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Old 08-29-2014, 05:12 PM
 
43,012 posts, read 89,279,775 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Megan2514 View Post
No one said the friends couldn't come. The younger daughter is not obligated to socialize with these girls. If she wants to go to her room, why not?
She doesn't have to socialize with them, but she is obligated to have basic manners to sit down at a table and eat with houseguests. She can go to her room afterwards. Most parents require their children to have meals at the family table with everyone else. You haven't provided one good reason she should be an exception.
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Old 08-29-2014, 05:25 PM
 
Location: Columbus, OH
575 posts, read 944,563 times
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I'm an introvert so I understand where the younger daughter is coming from. BUT! I think she should suck it up and deal with it. The world isn't going to cater to her introvertness and she needs to learn to deal with less than ideal situations. Why should older daughter have to be "punished" because her sister is an introvert? Now, if it's a daily thing, that needs to stop. But once a week or something like that? She will get over it. And if it's really THAT upsetting to her, the issue may be more than just being an introvert. Introverts aren't hermits and aren't scared of socializing - we just prefer to avoid dull, frivolous small talk.
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Old 08-29-2014, 07:15 PM
 
Location: Wisconsin
16,529 posts, read 16,049,048 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Hopes View Post
Having friends to dinner is a normal thing most people do. You should be celebrating that your daughter wants to bring her friends to the house, and her friends want to eat dinner with you. This shouldn't be restricted because of her sister's issues. The introvert needs to be exposed to uncomfortable situations so she can learn to cope. As an adult, there will be many functions she will need to attend that involve eating with other people. Her boss could decide to take everyone out to lunch, work Christmas parties, dinner with her boyfriend's family, etc.. She needs practice and help adjusting to these situations. Now is the time because you won't have an opportunity when she's older.
I agree with Hopes. Perhaps, slight modifications or rules such as the sister needs to notify her family in advance that she wants to invite a guest for dinner. Whether is a hour or two or a day or two,or more, in advance depends of your family. If you tend to have meals like pork chops or chicken breasts where you need to buy an extra serving is different that a family that has a lot of casseroles or perhaps spaghetti where all you need to do if you have an extra person is make a little extra or add another side dish.

Perhaps you can also have certain "family only" meal days or limit how many days a week that the older sister can have guests (especially if it starts to be a problem).
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Old 08-29-2014, 07:42 PM
 
Location: Raleigh NC
5,290 posts, read 4,601,677 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Megan2514 View Post
So eating lunch at school in front of a bunch of kids isn't enough "practice"? In your own home you better be able to avoid it!
It is unlikely she will set foot in the school cafeteria. Middle school lunch was a huge source of social anxiety for her so she is content to eat a granola bar in the courtyard with a friend rather than enter that cafeteria. When I consider how self conscious she is right now.........lordy, she was worried that someone would notice that her shoelaces were not of equal lengths.

And for what it's worth, the older's dinner guests are always boys.

I think we'll continue to improve our own family dinner habits, and if younger declines to join when we have company, I'll allow it.

Thanks for all your feedback.
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Old 08-29-2014, 09:20 PM
 
43,012 posts, read 89,279,775 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Stagemomma View Post
I think we'll continue to improve our own family dinner habits, and if younger declines to join when we have company, I'll allow it.
Since she has social anxiety, it's not a wise idea to let her decline eating with family when you have company. Social anxiety gets worse and more ingrained by escaping uncomfortable situations. Please don't bush this off as her being introverted because social anxiety has the potential to become disabling. Introverts don't have social anxiety. They are two vastly different things.

The number one thing you can do to help your daughter is to not enable her avoiding situations that make her uncomfortable or she fears. She may try to beg, plead, manipulate, tantrum---anything to avoid it. The more intense her response, the more likely she needs professional help. As a parent, it's easier to enable, but you'll ultimately regret it if it ends up being at the expense of your daughter's future happiness.

Don't take my word for it. Start researching it and talk to a professional. If she's already in treatment, talk to her therapist.
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Old 08-30-2014, 12:06 AM
 
104 posts, read 76,741 times
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As long as the older one isn't bringing friends over every day, the younger one is going to have to learn to deal with it.

Since when did it become acceptable to use labels to excuse any sort of ridiculous behavior? Being an introvert is one thing. Not wanting to eat around other people is a serious problem that should be handled, and soon (it's worth noting that "not wanting to eat in front of other people" is also a sign of an eating disorder).

But if younger simply doesn't like having people over? She has to learn to deal with it. She's 14, she's old enough. She's going to be one heck of a spoiled brat if you coddle her.
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Old 08-30-2014, 12:13 AM
 
5,413 posts, read 4,847,336 times
Reputation: 9351
Quote:
Originally Posted by Stagemomma View Post
It is unlikely she will set foot in the school cafeteria. Middle school lunch was a huge source of social anxiety for her so she is content to eat a granola bar in the courtyard with a friend rather than enter that cafeteria. When I consider how self conscious she is right now.........lordy, she was worried that someone would notice that her shoelaces were not of equal lengths.

And for what it's worth, the older's dinner guests are always boys.

I think we'll continue to improve our own family dinner habits, and if younger declines to join when we have company, I'll allow it.

Thanks for all your feedback.
That isn't being an introvert...that is social anxiety and maybe a touch of OCD.......don't confuse the two and get her help.
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Old 08-30-2014, 12:34 AM
 
Location: Franklin, TN
105 posts, read 87,657 times
Reputation: 160
Quote:
Originally Posted by Hopes View Post
Since she has social anxiety, it's not a wise idea to let her decline eating with family when you have company. Social anxiety gets worse and more ingrained by escaping uncomfortable situations. Please don't bush this off as her being introverted because social anxiety has the potential to become disabling. Introverts don't have social anxiety. They are two vastly different things.

The number one thing you can do to help your daughter is to not enable her avoiding situations that make her uncomfortable or she fears. She may try to beg, plead, manipulate, tantrum---anything to avoid it. The more intense her response, the more likely she needs professional help. As a parent, it's easier to enable, but you'll ultimately regret it if it ends up being at the expense of your daughter's future happiness.

Don't take my word for it. Start researching it and talk to a professional. If she's already in treatment, talk to her therapist.
Oh the drama! The kid is 14, she's a teenager, let her be for Pete's sake!

Not everyone who prefers to be alone or not socialize often needs "help". If she is forced she will shut the family out as an adult. Trust me.

For the record, the only time I'm around people I don't want to be around is at work because it pays my bills. I choose not to involve myself in things I don't want to be involved in.

Younger daughter sounds smart to me!
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Old 08-30-2014, 12:47 AM
 
5,413 posts, read 4,847,336 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Megan2514 View Post
Oh the drama! The kid is 14, she's a teenager, let her be for Pete's sake!

Not everyone who prefers to be alone or not socialize often needs "help". If she is forced she will shut the family out as an adult. Trust me.

For the record, the only time I'm around people I don't want to be around is at work because it pays my bills. I choose not to involve myself in things I don't want to be involved in.

Younger daughter sounds smart to me!
So you really think it's okay for the child to demand her sister not bring get home any friends when she's around? It's even one thing to be antisocial to someone they do not know...but when you try to control family meembers and worry that your shoe lies are not the same length....well. ..honestly I don't get what that has to do with being an introvert.
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Old 08-30-2014, 01:12 AM
 
Location: Franklin, TN
105 posts, read 87,657 times
Reputation: 160
Quote:
Originally Posted by ScarletG View Post
So you really think it's okay for the child to demand her sister not bring get home any friends when she's around? It's even one thing to be antisocial to someone they do not know...but when you try to control family meembers and worry that your shoe lies are not the same length....well. ..honestly I don't get what that has to do with being an introvert.
Umm no. Read again. It's not okay to demand that the yd eat dinner with them if she doesn't wish to. She has as much of a right to be alone as od has to have guests. I was responding to hopes.
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