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Old 09-07-2014, 08:40 AM
 
6 posts, read 4,992 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mattie View Post
Ask him if he's happy. Tell him that's what you want most for him, and even if it means living apart, you are his mother, you love him. Give him an opening to say he wants to go back, if indeed he does. It's also possible he just needs some time to fit in with the new group, perhaps join a team, or an after school activity.
Thanks, it seems many of you advice to find where my son would be happier. And i think that's fair, I still need to find a way to talk about this without him understanding that maybe I don't want to be with him or anything alike. This also means that I should act according to his wishes rather than my own plans.

@Ringo1

I did try to directly confront people simply because I need to have a sort of human reaction feedback, I was thinking I was reasoning better this way. But I see what you mean by writing a letter and I am thankful for the advice, seems like a clever thing to do and a more solid approach.
Apart from the school, I do think my kid is happier here. He's always been curious and passionate about whatever caught his attention and he was not allowed to do a lot of things with my parents. I was away in the past years, when he was growing up to better discern what he actually wanted and there was nothing I could do from a distance if my parents said NO. I always wanted for him to be able to make his own choices, ideally because I wasn't. In this city he will be able to pursue whatever he wants, and he has some particular interests. Also, until now he has many times requested that we attend specific events that interested him (some concerts, movies, some expositions even). So this is why I believe the city is the place for him.

@hothulamaui
Thank you so much for the kind words they mean a lot to me. I am really trying what I can sadly many times I feel I am not adult enough to cope with these things myself and I just keep getting envious at some other parents who seem to be doing only the perfect things.

@Hopes
I did ask my kid what was that they told him that made him mad. He said they were asking who I was and he told them I was his mom. He said they were just starting to joke about it but then this kid he punched said some "gross words" and that was what triggered it. I didn't insist on the gross words because it just sounded like he doesn't want to word them so that was okay. No I don't think they actually know my age, I was just saying that as I imagined it going on (because really I heard that so many times by now)
I kinda tried to avoid the counseling part, mostly because they did more bad than good to me personally. Indeed, I should stop comparing situations because they are very different, but it's the only experience I can relate to and it's not a good one. I always found it easier to talk to people directly, most of the times they understand more than you would think. Not in this case, tho.
My kid likes to swim and he is always going to classes, this school now has its own pool and they are organizing swimming courses separately from whatever they do in school. He knows how to swim already but he goes there because he likes it. He also plays basketball, he always had, he's kinda tall and I guess the teacher is easily noticing him. However this has been in my mind for a while. I keep thinking if maybe this basketball thing doesn't make him kinda cool and like showing off a bit in front of the rest and feeling strong enough to hit the other kids.
Also, he is very good with drawing, especially very tech related stuff, he is following some online communities for digital art hobbyists and artists and he is constantly learning about it. I am sure part of the influence is my father, who is a tech maniac and probably found this as a common ground. I encourage this, my parents limited his internet access a lot and were rather making him concentrate on his homework, sometimes to the extent that they wouldn't even let him go out except on weekends. Maybe it's worth noting that my mother used to be a teacher herself but she's always been a lot lot different with her own kids than with her students.
So you see, I am quite proud of the little man. But worried, maybe he spends indeed too much time with me and my friends. He picked up some interests, like music, and ofc he comes with us. Maybe he would go with kids his age, but that wouldn't be possible without any adult attending anyway. He says he gets along with couple kids in school, but they didn't really have any common activities so I get it they are not as close. His closest friend till now is one of our neighbors' son who is also 1 year older, sounds like a good sport and they visit each other quite often or just hang together.
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Old 09-07-2014, 09:40 AM
 
43,012 posts, read 89,100,171 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Melenike View Post
I kinda tried to avoid the counseling part, mostly because they did more bad than good to me personally. Indeed, I should stop comparing situations because they are very different, but it's the only experience I can relate to and it's not a good one. I always found it easier to talk to people directly, most of the times they understand more than you would think. Not in this case, tho.
Talking to the guidance counselors for ideas doesn't necessarily mean counseling for your son. My school district has a program that helps children gain confidence, etc.. It's a big group of kids, not one on one counseling. I've seen some children blossom into amazing self confident people. If your school district doesn't have something like that, maybe the counselor will recommend karate. Martial arts are great for learning self control and respect for others.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Melenike View Post
My kid likes to swim and he is always going to classes, this school now has its own pool and they are organizing swimming courses separately from whatever they do in school. He knows how to swim already but he goes there because he likes it.
Instead of lessons, what about swim team?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Melenike View Post
He also plays basketball, he always had, he's kinda tall and I guess the teacher is easily noticing him. However this has been in my mind for a while. I keep thinking if maybe this basketball thing doesn't make him kinda cool and like showing off a bit in front of the rest and feeling strong enough to hit the other kids.
That's not fair. You're stereotyping your son. You didn't like when people did that to do you. Don't do it to your son. It's not like he's walking around bullying kids for no reason. He reacted to a student who are bullying him by saying sexual things about his mother. You can't take basketball away from him. It's the one place he may make friends and start to feel like he fits into the new school.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Melenike View Post
Also, he is very good with drawing, especially very tech related stuff, he is following some online communities for digital art hobbyists and artists and he is constantly learning about it. I am sure part of the influence is my father, who is a tech maniac and probably found this as a common ground. I encourage this, my parents limited his internet access a lot and were rather making him concentrate on his homework, sometimes to the extent that they wouldn't even let him go out except on weekends.
I think it's better for your son to live with you.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Melenike View Post
So you see, I am quite proud of the little man. But worried, maybe he spends indeed too much time with me and my friends. He picked up some interests, like music, and ofc he comes with us. Maybe he would go with kids his age, but that wouldn't be possible without any adult attending anyway. He says he gets along with couple kids in school, but they didn't really have any common activities so I get it they are not as close. His closest friend till now is one of our neighbors' son who is also 1 year older, sounds like a good sport and they visit each other quite often or just hang together.
Give him time. He'll make friends. He just started at this new school. I think it's fine he goes to concerts with you and your friends. Have him invite the neighbor kid to come along. That way he'll have someone his age with him when he goes with you. Even if he doesn't have a friend to take along, it's okay for him to go with you and your friends. Eventually he can go with kids his own age.
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Old 09-07-2014, 02:15 PM
 
15,838 posts, read 18,488,781 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mattie View Post
Where does your son want to be, with you, in a new school, or back with your parents and his previous school?

I understand you think you're doing the right thing, in taking over full responsibility for your son, but after 14 years, it's going to be a huge adjustment for him. Does he want to make it?
I agree. If you had wanted to take over his raising, it should have happened years ago. I think you should do th right thing for him in this situation. I know that is hard....but for him, it would allow him to be a normal adolescent, on of the hardest times in his life....At 14, moving to a new neighborhood is harder than ever....and his being singled out for what might have been a tragedy for you when you were young, is too high a price to pay.
Congrats on making your life better, and making his better too by getting your education and making your way in a hard world. You are doing great....and you could stay close to him, have him on weekends, or whatever you both decide...or you go visit him there.
But, if you are asking advice....I say take him back to the home he has known for 14 years.
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Old 09-07-2014, 02:26 PM
 
43,012 posts, read 89,100,171 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JanND View Post
I agree. If you had wanted to take over his raising, it should have happened years ago. I think you should do th right thing for him in this situation. I know that is hard....but for him, it would allow him to be a normal adolescent, on of the hardest times in his life....At 14, moving to a new neighborhood is harder than ever....and his being singled out for what might have been a tragedy for you when you were young, is too high a price to pay.
Congrats on making your life better, and making his better too by getting your education and making your way in a hard world. You are doing great....and you could stay close to him, have him on weekends, or whatever you both decide...or you go visit him there.
But, if you are asking advice....I say take him back to the home he has known for 14 years.
How is living with his mother being an abnormal adolescent? Even though he knew that home for 14 years, he wasn't happy and he missed his mother. This is where he wants to be. Just because he's having a normal adjustment to a new school is no reason to give up. If he had lived with her his entire life, he could have still needed to change schools.
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Old 09-07-2014, 02:55 PM
 
12,932 posts, read 19,831,249 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Hopes View Post
How is living with his mother being an abnormal adolescent? Even though he knew that home for 14 years, he wasn't happy and he missed his mother. This is where he wants to be. Just because he's having a normal adjustment to a new school is no reason to give up. If he had lived with her his entire life, he could have still needed to change schools.
What's with the head smack? I don't see where the OP mentioned her son wasn't happy with his grandparents, more like he missed his mother, and his grandmother's rules were strict. Show me a teen who doesn't think rules are strict. That isn't necessarily a bad thing.

I think the OP needs to hear it from her son, and make it easy for him to be open with her.

OP, how far away from your parents are you living now?
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Old 09-07-2014, 03:07 PM
 
43,012 posts, read 89,100,171 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mattie View Post
What's with the head smack? I don't see where the OP mentioned her son wasn't happy with his grandparents, more like he missed his mother, and his grandmother's rules were strict. Show me a teen who doesn't think rules are strict. That isn't necessarily a bad thing.

I think the OP needs to hear it from her son, and make it easy for him to be open with her.

OP, how far away from your parents are you living now?
The head smack was for JaneND implying that her son was having an abnormal adolescence.

Your recommending the OP asking her son how he feels and what he wants is completely appropriate. JanND's tone was not. Based on what the OP shared, I think it sounds like this is where he wants to be. Her parents were difficult, often didn't let him out except on weekends, he missed her when she wasn't around, etc. His having a difficult adjustment to a new school doesn't mean it's bad for him to be with his mother. I agree he should be able to go back to live with his grandparents if that's what he wants. I think he's where he wants to be though.
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Old 09-07-2014, 09:53 PM
 
6 posts, read 4,992 times
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I will talk to him. But I will do it when we will have another talk about his problems at school, I guess it will sound more like me trying to find a solution for his problem rather than sending him away out of the blue. Plus, I guess it's best to ask about it when he's on a difficult time so he won't feel like giving me a convenient lie. On the other hand, I don't really feel like he will want to go. But indeed, I would not forgive myself for trying to impose something on him that maybe hurts him more than I imagine.
The thing with my parents is complicated. They were strict when I was little too and I always felt like escaping them. My mother always cared about what people said rather than trying to make things less painful for me. I don't question their morality or principles, I know they taught the right things to my son, but I am still 120% that there comes a day when a kid needs a public hug without mother questioning whether people are watching or not, so to speak. Also, although it's not something we talk about, my relation with them has long been irreversibly deteriorated. They lost every trace of respect for me when I got pregnant and since then they just continued to treat me like nothing changed. I was stuck with them home feeling useless and constantly being reminded that all I do is trouble. Also the town was really a toxic environment for me, because I guess people always remembered me in a certain way. However, these things did not revert back to my son back then, because my parents where always backing him, they were the ones carrying him to school and walking him back home, talking to the teachers and everything else. For this I am most grateful because I suppose the situation would have been a disaster without them.

But I still can't accept the fact that they treat me like this in front of him, my son told me on various occasions that they were using me as a bad example and I simply cannot have that. I argued with them countless times about it but nothing got resolved. I think when I left for college he was somwhat constantly fighting them while missing me and this might have turned to what it was in the end, when he anxiously agreed to come with me.

What really makes me angry is that they are now more strict on my son, although he's nothing like I used to be. I don't understand why he has to follow some rules made to prevent stuff that happened to me when he's not that kid.

My parents live at about 3 hours by car. It's not too far away, indeed.
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Old 09-08-2014, 10:33 AM
 
13,496 posts, read 13,994,017 times
Reputation: 11120
Quote:
Originally Posted by JanND View Post
I agree. If you had wanted to take over his raising, it should have happened years ago. I think you should do th right thing for him in this situation. I know that is hard....but for him, it would allow him to be a normal adolescent, on of the hardest times in his life....At 14, moving to a new neighborhood is harder than ever....and his being singled out for what might have been a tragedy for you when you were young, is too high a price to pay.
Congrats on making your life better, and making his better too by getting your education and making your way in a hard world. You are doing great....and you could stay close to him, have him on weekends, or whatever you both decide...or you go visit him there.
But, if you are asking advice....I say take him back to the home he has known for 14 years.

if the op had wanted to take over his raising it should of happened years ago? the op was a young teenager with no way to earn a living, just how was she supposed to take over at that point? the op is now grown and has a job and can take care of her son. did it ever occur to you that the son if he stayed with his grandparents would resent his mother for just giving up on raising him and turning it over to the grandparents? it would be very natural for the son to think his mother really didn't love him all that much if she never bothered to try to live with him and be in his life as a parent, not a week end visitor.

many, many children move all through their life and it does not effect negatively. military families move all the time. in fact I moved every 3 years of my childhood, was I sad to leave friends, yes, but it was exciting to meet new people and expand my horizons. to this day I love to travel and think one of the reasons was I moved so many places when I was young.

at 14 it is not the kids wants that should be put at the forefront. the parent while considering the feelings of the son should make the decision. at 14 most kids would prefer to spend the day x-boxing instead of school. so tell me how good of a decision maker can they be?

the best thing this mom can do is parent her own child if she has the resources to do so. a kid will feel more normal living with his mother than with his grandparents and no mom in the picture.

the op has also stated things about her mom and how she raised her that she does not want inflicted on her son. for that reason alone I would keep the kid with her. a mother who has done nothing but be a young mom does not need to shown as a "bad example" to her own son.

if the grandparents want to see him let them come see him. time will tell how important the son is to the grandparents by how often they visit or keep in touch. you would be surprised how many people who profess to be so attached don't try to had to extend themselves unless it is given them on a silver platter.
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Old 09-08-2014, 03:10 PM
 
Location: Wisconsin
16,506 posts, read 15,977,386 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by hothulamaui View Post
(snip).

if the grandparents want to see him let them come see him. time will tell how important the son is to the grandparents by how often they visit or keep in touch. you would be surprised how many people who profess to be so attached don't try too hard to extend themselves unless it is given them on a silver platter.
I agree, that I have seen situations among my friends where parents/grandparent say that they will "absolutely die" unless they see their grandchildren frequently but put 100% of the burden to travel on the adult children who are working five or six days a week while the grandparents are retired, have the financial resources and are healthy enough to travel.
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