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Hello everyone,
I have been searching for some answers and advice and I hope I'm not in the wrong place, I am quite desperate with the whole situation.
Let me begin with the problem as is. I am 27 year old, mother of a soon to be 14 yo son. As it probably is obvious, we have been through a lot. Since I was for the longest part basically a kid myself I used to live with my parents and they were a great part of my son's education and growing up process. Somehow I made it to he collage few years back and I attended it in another city, where obviously I went without my son. Last year, after graduation, I finally found a better job and I decided it was time to take over my own family because financially it was possible and because my son now is at least able to move around the city on his own. I also thought he would be needing more space, my parents, although sure I am most grateful for everything they have done and tried, are most of the time overwhelming and I am also sort of bothered that I have the feeling they are kinda using me as a bad example of things not to do.
So my son moved with me, got in a different school, with all the new people around him. At first it seemed like everything was okay, but in a few months I figured other kids were teasing him about his mother, me. I have to say that my age is probably more obvious that I would like it to be, i was never very.. ladylike I guess and I tend to dress up like any other 20 something would. And I have been told many times that we look rather like brother and sister. Also, my son resembles me, he's tall and pretty well built for a 14.
We never had this issue before, probably because the much younger kids weren't really aware of things and he had a lot of friends, people didn't treat him like he was different. For such an absurd reason! Plus, sure, there were my parents who were many times with him.
I was worried but I got really nervous when he got into a fight with some other boy. I know my son and he is not the violent type, he's usually very friendly and outgoing, he used to be one of the popular ones. But I know he wouldn't take insults without an answer, like probably most other boys. I tried to talk to him and explain that he needs to ignore teasings like that because they are ridiculous. Sure he said "yes" but I know his situation didn't improve.
Now I have to say, sure at his age I was not really in a good position. Besides getting pregnant, I used to be one of the kids that was always answering violently. I know he is not like that, because he would have acted like it before. But I can imagine what is going on at his school, some rumours about the 13 pregnant mother and the kids who don't know, don't care and area always saying mean things even if they don't really mean anything. Truthfully, I felt hurt myself, I cannot not take it personally. It's me they are finding ridiculous, after all.
On one of the parent meetings, I tried to approach the mother of the kid bothering my son. She made me feel like I was a stupid little girl without any right to talk about whats bad and whats not and definitely not in place to talk about how she educates her children. I felt like crying all the while talking to her because all she did was just to put me in my place when my intention was exactly the other way around. And the worst of it is that she is partly right, my son was the one hitting her son first...
I am so angry and sad and I realize that I maybe made it even worse. I tried to talk to the teacher, she just said that kids are scolded for bad things they say, if they brawl their are sent home, but she cannot do much about it, just a disciplinary leave at most, and that I should make a priority out of stopping my boy hitting other kids because it is a serious matter.
I am very worried, I don't want this issue to persist. Next year we would have to worry about getting him into a good high school, it would break my heart to have this things hindering his priorities now. I really don't know what to do and my parents cant be talked to, simply because they would just relate it back to how I was... I feel useless as a parent, I can't stand the idea that I wasn't even able to reason with the other mother.
Where does your son want to be, with you, in a new school, or back with your parents and his previous school?
I understand you think you're doing the right thing, in taking over full responsibility for your son, but after 14 years, it's going to be a huge adjustment for him. Does he want to make it?
Hugs to you Mom, I know you are trying hard to do all the right things.
Here's the reality though...he's 14 - the time for "mothering" him as long since passed.
What he needs now more than anything is a good male role model to mentor him.
Please, for his sake, consider letting him return to your parents and his familiar life and friends.
You can still be his Mom and stay very involved in all he does, but 14 is a really rough age to go to a new school and try to fit in. I know you dreamed of the day you could have him in your own place, but it just took you a little too long to make that happen and now is not the time. I'm sorry
This is something I tried to understand for a long while too. I trully don't think he wants to go back and on the other hand I really want this for him. I know he loved my father very much (and so do I...) while my mother was constant source of issues. However I didn't hear anything from him wanting to go back. When I was away he was always waiting for me to come back almost every week and whenever he was having issue with his grandparents he would call me to vent about it. My mother is hard to live with as a teenager, maybe she gets that because I was how I was, although she was pretty harsh when i was young too. She doesn't let you have any privacy, she doesn't agree to almost anything. When I decided to take him with me I honestly believed I was solving this issue. I tlked to him and he was anxious to get to where I was, he likes going places, he wanted access to places he couldn't get to before, like a swimming pool and all stuff that small towns like ours don't have. I know he misses his old school, but it's been already a year.
My parents live in a small town, my kid would eventually have had to leave anyway. Maybe I could have waited until high school but this was also an issue, I wanted him in a better school where he would get better teachers (well now this didn't really work quite well). And the selfish part of it, if you can consider this selfish, is that indeed i was worried that anther 2 years away would have affected our relation. Because the kid is growing up and eventually growing independent.
Hugs to you Mom, I know you are trying hard to do all the right things.
Here's the reality though...he's 14 - the time for "mothering" him as long since passed.
What he needs now more than anything is a good male role model to mentor him.
Please, for his sake, consider letting him return to your parents and his familiar life and friends.
You can still be his Mom and stay very involved in all he does, but 14 is a really rough age to go to a new school and try to fit in. I know you dreamed of the day you could have him in your own place, but it just took you a little too long to make that happen and now is not the time. I'm sorry
Oh don't be sorry, please, it's why I wrote this here, to ask for advice. You know I am not very good with judging things, and situations like this make me only see my flaws... I wish I wouldn't let myself get carried aways with these feelings of guilt or lack of confidence. What matters to me is that everything ends up as close to perfect as possible. I do feel empowered somehow now, because my job is allowing me to do stuff I couldnt before.
Yes I do believe my father is his perfect male model. Besides, I'm single and have been for a while and will probably continue to be simply because I don't feel like messing with any person from the outside, for now at least.
You think I should ask him if he wants to go back? I'm not 100% that he would tell me "yes" if that were the truth, it would probably make him feel like he was letting me down I don't know...
Ask him if he's happy. Tell him that's what you want most for him, and even if it means living apart, you are his mother, you love him. Give him an opening to say he wants to go back, if indeed he does. It's also possible he just needs some time to fit in with the new group, perhaps join a team, or an after school activity.
Hello everyone,
I have been searching for some answers and advice and I hope I'm not in the wrong place, I am quite desperate with the whole situation.
Let me begin with the problem as is. I am 27 year old, mother of a soon to be 14 yo son. As it probably is obvious, we have been through a lot. Since I was for the longest part basically a kid myself I used to live with my parents and they were a great part of my son's education and growing up process. Somehow I made it to he collage few years back and I attended it in another city, where obviously I went without my son. Last year, after graduation, I finally found a better job and I decided it was time to take over my own family because financially it was possible and because my son now is at least able to move around the city on his own. I also thought he would be needing more space, my parents, although sure I am most grateful for everything they have done and tried, are most of the time overwhelming and I am also sort of bothered that I have the feeling they are kinda using me as a bad example of things not to do.
So my son moved with me, got in a different school, with all the new people around him. At first it seemed like everything was okay, but in a few months I figured other kids were teasing him about his mother, me. I have to say that my age is probably more obvious that I would like it to be, i was never very.. ladylike I guess and I tend to dress up like any other 20 something would. And I have been told many times that we look rather like brother and sister. Also, my son resembles me, he's tall and pretty well built for a 14.
We never had this issue before, probably because the much younger kids weren't really aware of things and he had a lot of friends, people didn't treat him like he was different. For such an absurd reason! Plus, sure, there were my parents who were many times with him.
I was worried but I got really nervous when he got into a fight with some other boy. I know my son and he is not the violent type, he's usually very friendly and outgoing, he used to be one of the popular ones. But I know he wouldn't take insults without an answer, like probably most other boys. I tried to talk to him and explain that he needs to ignore teasings like that because they are ridiculous. Sure he said "yes" but I know his situation didn't improve.
Now I have to say, sure at his age I was not really in a good position. Besides getting pregnant, I used to be one of the kids that was always answering violently. I know he is not like that, because he would have acted like it before. But I can imagine what is going on at his school, some rumours about the 13 pregnant mother and the kids who don't know, don't care and area always saying mean things even if they don't really mean anything. Truthfully, I felt hurt myself, I cannot not take it personally. It's me they are finding ridiculous, after all.
On one of the parent meetings, I tried to approach the mother of the kid bothering my son. She made me feel like I was a stupid little girl without any right to talk about whats bad and whats not and definitely not in place to talk about how she educates her children. I felt like crying all the while talking to her because all she did was just to put me in my place when my intention was exactly the other way around. And the worst of it is that she is partly right, my son was the one hitting her son first...
I am so angry and sad and I realize that I maybe made it even worse. I tried to talk to the teacher, she just said that kids are scolded for bad things they say, if they brawl their are sent home, but she cannot do much about it, just a disciplinary leave at most, and that I should make a priority out of stopping my boy hitting other kids because it is a serious matter.
I am very worried, I don't want this issue to persist. Next year we would have to worry about getting him into a good high school, it would break my heart to have this things hindering his priorities now. I really don't know what to do and my parents cant be talked to, simply because they would just relate it back to how I was... I feel useless as a parent, I can't stand the idea that I wasn't even able to reason with the other mother.
You and your son need to have a heart to heart. My son started over at a new school in a new state when he was a sophomore in high school. It was a hard adjustment and he was initially very excited about the move.
It took about a year for him to make some really good friends; he wasn't necessarily the outgoing type then. I'm telling you this only so you know it CAN be done.
Is this a place where you honestly think your son can thrive? Where does he want to be?
These are separate issues than if he is getting teased in school. That is a whole nother ballgame and it's hard to address.
Start with a well-written letter to the teacher with a cc to the Principal. Comment on their 'zero tolerance' policy (most schools have them now) and cite examples.
Leave a paper trail. You are young but you must stand up for your son if necessary.
you are doing great as a single parent. you should have your son with you now that you can take care of him. I think if you left him with your parents he would end up resenting that you and him never lived together. do the best you can, is all that anyone can ask of you. boys getting into fights at his age is something that happens. continue to teach him the right way and you two will be ok. best of luck
It's unusual they are commenting about your age. It's more likely they are attracted to you and saying thinks like "I want to do your mother" and that's what's causing him to attack them.
I see no reason to send him back to your parents if he wants to be with you. Unless he asks to go back, I think he would be very hurt if you suggested it. Work together on his learning how to control his temper. Ask the guidance counselor at school for suggestions. The guidance counselor will have more knowledge of what resources are available than his teacher.
In the meantime, hang in there. He'll be changing schools next year. High school will have more students, and his mother won't be as noticeable to other students.
Is he involved in any sports and activities? Finding like minded kids with a common interests will help him make a few friends.
It's unusual they are commenting about your age. It's more likely they are attracted to you and saying thinks like "I want to do your mother" and that's what's causing him to attack them.
I see no reason to send him back to your parents if he wants to be with you. Unless he asks to go back, I think he would be very hurt if you suggested it. Work together on his learning how to control his temper. Ask the guidance counselor at school for suggestions. The guidance counselor will have more knowledge of what resources are available than his teacher.
In the meantime, hang in there. He'll be changing schools next year. High school will have more students, and his mother won't be as noticeable to other students.
Is he involved in any sports and activities? Finding like minded kids with a common interests will help him make a few friends.
I agree with Hopes. At the HS most students never even see or meet the parents of their classmates, unless they are good friends that are invited to each others houses to study or to relax. And, in those cases you will just be "Johnny's Mom" not just seen as " a hot, young Mom".
Work with the guidance counselor to help your son with his anger issues and help him gain friends by encouraging him to join clubs or sports or whatever he is interested in doing.
Good luck to you. Congratulations on all of your hard work and achievements so far.
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