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Old 09-09-2014, 02:00 PM
 
7,237 posts, read 12,650,197 times
Reputation: 8513

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Quote:
Originally Posted by TestingMyPatience View Post
We have discussed a counselor. Someone who isn't involved in our everyday madness to sit down with him and just talk to him. I'm just afraid of how he is going to act.
The bottom line is that you need to know what's going on with him so that you, him and family can deal with it. It could very well be that something inappropriate happened to him and he's not able to cope with it, in addition to LilShorty's list of possibilities.

 
Old 09-09-2014, 02:07 PM
 
15 posts, read 12,185 times
Reputation: 15
Quote:
Originally Posted by charmed hour View Post
IMO, how long you've been with their father does matter. If you're "new" to the scene and coming into their home and laying down new rules, of course the child is going to act out. Change is scary for kids. Having an absentee parent doesn't negate the child from wanting his mother to be in his life. He may even be hoping for his mother to "come home" one day. You moving in blew that right out the water.
Me and their father have been together for 6 years. They know that she isn't coming back. As they get older their father talks to them about that a little more. They don't really know what she has done. The older child remembers certain things. The youngest, does not because he was very young.

I definitely wasn't a disciplinary when I first came around. It took me a year or so before I took any of that on. I didn't jump right in and make all of these drastic changes. I would never do that.

It's not just me he isn't listening to. It's everyone.
 
Old 09-09-2014, 02:10 PM
 
875 posts, read 643,986 times
Reputation: 2079
I think some family counseling sessions would be a good idea. I wouldn't frame it as the 10-year old being the source of all problems, so much as "This is somebody who could help us all get along better".
 
Old 09-09-2014, 02:12 PM
 
Location: Houston, TX
13,157 posts, read 7,398,957 times
Reputation: 27262
Quote:
Originally Posted by TestingMyPatience View Post
**I do not want responses from people saying that I am not their mother, that I have no business disciplining these children, they live with me and will NOT disrespect me. I am not just some woman that their father is screwing. I am not going anywhere and I will find a way to help him. So if you don't have anything nice to say to me, don't say it at all.**
Since you're asking for responses on a public forum, you will get a wide variety of responses, and some of them you won't like. I think it's rather uncouth to ask for help and then try to direct what you want the responses to be.
 
Old 09-09-2014, 03:02 PM
 
Location: Wisconsin
16,487 posts, read 15,923,785 times
Reputation: 38796
Quote:
Originally Posted by TestingMyPatience View Post


I'd say over the last 6 months, the youngest child has become a holy terror. He used to be the happiest kid in the world and I never see him laugh or smile anymore. He wakes up in a horrible mood, he is disrespectful, he punches things (Not anyone else yet) but he does pull on his hair when he gets angry as well as other things. He doesn't listen. He is rude to everyone. It seems as though he hates everything about life. He gets in my face and tells me that I don't do anything and that I need to start doing things (Such as discipline his older sibling) instead of him. He barks orders at me. He is extremely out of hand. He isn't just like this with me and his father, he is like this with his grandparents as well. He doesn't listen to me, or anyone for that matter. He throws tantrums that last for hours.

(snip)
How is his behavior at school?

Does he laugh and smile there?

Is he rude to everyone at school?

Does he throw tantrums that last for hours?

IF he exhibits these behaviors at school as well as at home I am sure that his school has recommended assessment for possible placement in a program for children with emotional/behavioral problems.

In fact, if this child exhibits problems as severe as you are describing I would recommend counseling for the entire family asap. Although, it is fairly rare, it is possible that your fiancé's child may even need intensive psychological treatment, possibly even a period of inpatient treatment at a children's psychiatric hospital.

Again, it is quite unusual, but there are even cases of extremely depressed 10 year olds committing suicide (usually by an "accident" like running into traffic or an "accident" with a gun or poison). Do you really want to risk something like that happening? If you had a teenage or adult friend who "used to be the happiest teen/adult in the world and now did not laugh or smile" and seems to "hate everything about life" would you just ignore it or would you immediately try to get help for your friend? Shouldn't you do as much for you fiancé's child?

Last edited by germaine2626; 09-09-2014 at 03:14 PM..
 
Old 09-09-2014, 03:09 PM
 
Location: Ohio
5,627 posts, read 4,637,631 times
Reputation: 6732
You simply cant, even 6yrs later walk in and suddenly say " thats it, listen to me!" because id want to smack you (as the birth mom) and so would the kid.

You were new, like a toy. Now youre going Incredible Hulk on them and they want you out.
 
Old 09-09-2014, 06:00 PM
 
Location: Kansas
19,189 posts, read 14,068,763 times
Reputation: 18141
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ohky0815 View Post
You simply cant, even 6yrs later walk in and suddenly say " thats it, listen to me!" because id want to smack you (as the birth mom) and so would the kid.

You were new, like a toy. Now youre going Incredible Hulk on them and they want you out.
I agree with the above quoted post. The family needs to go to counseling. I am wondering OP if you are concerned about how the child will act or what the counselor might have to say to you that you wouldn't like. The counselor isn't going to be offended by the way the child will act. Demanding respect? Yeah, that will work, not! Despite how you see yourself, you are woman living with their father and you could come or go and most likely, they prefer the latter. Suggest you go to counseling before the situation gets further out of hand. You are not a legal parent so perhaps their father could talk with the school psychologist and see what help might be available. Respect is not an automatic given due to one's position but earned. You have came across very negatively in your posts and, frankly, I am concerned for the child.
 
Old 09-09-2014, 10:05 PM
 
Location: U.S.A., Earth
4,342 posts, read 2,611,289 times
Reputation: 3814
Well, it ain't puberty. That happens in a few more years for boys.

If you can't lay down some ground rules for mutual respect, then it sounds like some professional help may be in order.
 
Old 09-09-2014, 10:26 PM
 
5,413 posts, read 4,818,147 times
Reputation: 9351
Quote:
Originally Posted by TestingMyPatience View Post
Me and their father have been together for 6 years. They know that she isn't coming back. As they get older their father talks to them about that a little more. They don't really know what she has done. The older child remembers certain things. The youngest, does not because he was very young.

I definitely wasn't a disciplinary when I first came around. It took me a year or so before I took any of that on. I didn't jump right in and make all of these drastic changes. I would never do that.

It's not just me he isn't listening to. It's everyone.
Doesn't mean he isn't having problems with it now..as his maturity and understanding grow..or just from offhand comments his friends/classmates make.

Family counselling as soon as possible....he might be the squeaky wheel in the family for bigger problems the family has...or he just may need some help coming to terms with things. Either way....you all sound like you could use a little help and support.
 
Old 09-10-2014, 12:00 AM
 
455 posts, read 487,129 times
Reputation: 770
I agree that the children need to be respectful whether they lived in your home or not....that being said after 6 years why no respect for a marriage commitment before moving into your home and desiring greater responsibility/involvement with his children?
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