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Old 09-10-2014, 01:47 AM
eok
 
6,684 posts, read 2,971,267 times
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Serious behavior problems are more likely to be caused by problems with brain chemicals than by stepmothers. The first thing to do is take him to a psychiatrist to make sure his brain chemicals are ok. But be absolutely sure that it's a real psychiatrist, i.e. one whose degree is MD, not just psychology.

 
Old 09-10-2014, 02:24 AM
 
Location: The Netherlands
4,294 posts, read 2,899,393 times
Reputation: 4257
Quote:
Originally Posted by TestingMyPatience View Post

**I do not want responses from people saying that I am not their mother, that I have no business disciplining these children, they live with me and will NOT disrespect me. I am not just some woman that their father is screwing. I am not going anywhere and I will find a way to help him. So if you don't have anything nice to say to me, don't say it at all.**
How you write shows your mind. You have asked the public opinion, they are from public and they give it from their direct or indirect experiences and they are not bonded to please you. They say what they see from their eyes. And what I see from my eyes I am listing below, read it or leave it is up to you.
NO you are not their mother weather you like it or not that is the truth. Discipline kids need to be done by their father together with you. you cannot jump in to their biological mother frame. I am sure that is what you are trying to do. That is clear from your phrase. they live with me and will not disrespect me.
Respect is something you gain so the do trust. No they don't live with you their father also in the scene. He needs to involve with his kids together with you when it comes to discipline his kids. You need to gain their trust , you need to build up a good friend ship with them,before you come in to discipline his kids on your own, you need to let them feel that they can trust you, they can tell you any thing, and they need to feel that you(step mom) are there for them as their own mother. When you move in with them they see you are their worst enemy who take their father away. And in the same time you try to take the command to discipline kids, that is not how it work with children mind. And kids loves their parents to be together not to be apart so it is logical kids grow anger towards to their parents when it comes to a divorce or break up. you cannot discipline kids being a commander. Be soft , be kind, more listen, show that you care. But get their father involve too. I don't understand him either to give you the power to discipline his own kids.
Watch the step mom film where Julia Roberts act. There is the son you mention in your OP.
If you want to help kids father as you say. Be a good friend for the kids. That is the only way.
 
Old 09-10-2014, 05:50 AM
 
4,750 posts, read 3,334,604 times
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Well, you're his dad's girlfriend (or fiancée) and you moved in (even though you think being a fiancée has merit, it doesn't when kids are involved). By you moving in, you triggered something. Like you said, he doesn't know much about why his mom isn't there - maybe he needs closure. You say you aren't there to replace her, but in actuality that's exactly what you're doing. You're going to marry the father, you're going to live in the same house, and he's going to be disciplined by you - which are all things a mother does.

He's clearly unhappy with the situation (and maybe even depressed - depression in children). While it's quite rare for this to happen in young kids, it does happen.

It seems as if you're doing what you can to make this as smooth as possible, but he's not taking it well. Like everyone has suggested, get him some professional help. And also, does the older sibling know something that you don't? You might be able to get answers from the older child. Do you know if the dad has had women move in before you?
 
Old 09-10-2014, 08:18 AM
 
Location: Bloomington IN
5,894 posts, read 7,149,859 times
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OP--your posts seem more focused on respect and discipline rather than the fact that you love this child (which you said you do) I wonder if that demanding attitude is what comes across to the children rather than the love. With a young boy that has to be feeling abandoned and a lack of love from his bio-mother, you are just another person in his life that isn't showing him that you love him.

Until you can get the family into counseling, I would recommend having a quiet, calm one-on-one talk with him. Take him to a park or some where quiet. Make a date for just the two of you. Be honest with him. Put it all out on the table. Tell him how you feel about him. Tell him your "dream" for the family. Ask him to tell you how he feels. Ask him how the two of you can work together. Neither of you will get everything you want, but come up with some compromises. It's okay to be honest and say that his mother leaving him is not a good thing. Most importantly tell him and show him everyday that he is loved by you. When is the last time you just went up and hugged the kid for no reason? I know he is young, but even children appreciate (and respect) honesty.
 
Old 09-10-2014, 09:54 AM
 
Location: Fort Lauderdale, Florida
8,240 posts, read 7,534,213 times
Reputation: 17263
Quote:
Originally Posted by TestingMyPatience View Post
He is very aware that we are engaged. He was happy about it!

It is very hard to handle the stress from the constant yelling, screaming, fighting between him and his older sibling. He just doesn't listen. SO when he doesn't, I warn him that in a certain time frame, if he doesn't do as we have asked then things start getting taken away. If he goes over, I give another time frame of how long it gets taken away.
The only mother figure he has known, his mom has abandoned him.

I think he is subconsciously testing you.

Agree, take him to counseling.
 
Old 09-11-2014, 02:20 PM
 
Location: encino, CA
866 posts, read 375,325 times
Reputation: 1132
Quote:
Originally Posted by TestingMyPatience View Post
I have been with my fiance for some time now and knowing the situation, I moved in with him and his children. As their mother has been on and off in their lives, she is more non-existent recently. After multiple conversations with my fiance, he wants me to play a leading role in their lives and basically be their step mother. In turn, seeing as they do not have a constant mother in their lives, he would like me to be a disciplinary in the house hold as well. Unfortunately, that doesn't work so well for me, as we had planned.
IMO, this can only work if you become his actual WIFE and then you may be able to have an impact on the kids.

Quote:
I'd say over the last 6 months, the youngest child has become a holy terror. He used to be the happiest kid in the world and I never see him laugh or smile anymore. He wakes up in a horrible mood, he is disrespectful, he punches things (Not anyone else yet) but he does pull on his hair when he gets angry as well as other things. He doesn't listen. He is rude to everyone. It seems as though he hates everything about life. He gets in my face and tells me that I don't do anything and that I need to start doing things (Such as discipline his older sibling) instead of him. He barks orders at me. He is extremely out of hand. He isn't just like this with me and his father, he is like this with his grandparents as well. He doesn't listen to me, or anyone for that matter. He throws tantrums that last for hours.
IMO, and coming from my own childhood experience, the kid is severely damaged by very inadequate Past parenting that FAILED to socialize him better from day one or perhaps some mysterious "disorder" but his behavior is saying that something is VERY WRONG in his life and he is SCREAMING for help thru his misbehavior. Your task will be to first, understand what happened to him to produce this behavior and then figure out a way to RE-PARENT him to have and use more adequate social skills. I'd go looking for a counselor or therapist to TEACH me and the father how to HELP my son. There are also a lot of online resources to help you as well.

Quote:
I feel as though he is bottling things up, about his mother. Like he feels abandoned. What if he feels like I'm going to take off like she did?
I'd guess that he feels a lot of unhappy, angry, FEARFUL and disturbing things since his parents broke up.

Quote:
I don't know if there are any other step parents who are in a similar situation, but we need a new way to go about this. I worry about him, and what he could do if he extends his anger to other people.
If this was my situation, I'd begin by getting the dad and myself into some kind of parent training or counseling to LEARN HOW to HELP all of the kids in that family but I'd also get married ASAP so the kids can see that I really am their new mom.

good luck,
jim
 
Old 09-11-2014, 02:56 PM
 
Location: encino, CA
866 posts, read 375,325 times
Reputation: 1132
Quote:
Originally Posted by TestingMyPatience View Post
He is very aware that we are engaged. He was happy about it!
It is very hard to handle the stress from the constant yelling, screaming, fighting between him and his older sibling. He just doesn't listen. SO when he doesn't, I warn him that in a certain time frame, if he doesn't do as we have asked then things start getting taken away. If he goes over, I give another time frame of how long it gets taken away.
In my family, the constant yelling, screaming, pushing, hitting, and general animosity and eventually bitter hatred that existed between my 1 yr older brother and I was first placed there when I was born and our parents FAILED to help my brother lovingly and happily accept me from day one. Then, after I was born and INVADED my brother's happy life, and his parents turned most of their very limited amount of love and attention over to me, thus abandoning their 1st child, my brother decided that I was the unwelcome, menacing ENEMY and undertook a savage campaign to get revenge and punish me as much as possible from the very beginning. He knew his own parents were hurting him but could not confront his beloved and much needed parents so his only option was to turn his RAGE onto an easier and SAFER target - the new baby!

I am saying all of this so you and any other parents might understand what our very foolish parents did to both of us by FAILING to promote love and respect in their family.

So my brother just hated my guts in the beginning and, since I had no reason to hate or fear him, I totally loved and respected him in the beginning and did not fight back for a very long time. Meanwhile, my brother brutally abused me while our parents looked on with humor and/or total indifference! They could have turned it all around at that point by stopping my angry brother's withering attacks and HELPING him respectfully accept me but they just left us to our own devices and after a while, I began to fight back and changed from loving and respecting my older brother to HATING HIM just like he HATED ME! So, probably like the kids in your family, our own parents set us up to become bitter, abusive ENEMIES from day one just by FAILING to promote friendly respect in our family! Our parents never did HELP us to stop the fighting but, one day my brother and I had the most viscous fist fight ever (we were about 14 then) and I accidentally broke off his front tooth with a wild punch over my shoulder while he was pummeling me from behind and the shock of that plus our terrible fear of our parents pretty much stopped the fist fighting but not the hostile attitudes we had carried since my birth. Over the years, my brother and I finally stopped being such bitter enemies and have since "made up" but we have never talked about why we hated each other so much as kids even if I now (at 76) understand how it all began with VERY BAD PARENTING!

So all I can offer about your kids is that someone, somehow has to intervene in their lives and HELP them happily, lovingly and RESPECTFULLY accept each other and the sooner the better BEFORE things get very serious and dangerous as it almost did with my brother and I.
Timeouts and other "disciplines" would have NOT help my brother and I respectfully accept each other. We were careful, polite and "respectful" when dad and mom were around to intimidate us but, as soon as our parent's backs were turned, we became bitter, vengeful and violent ENEMIES again!

It was always within our parents power and their DUTY to promote love and respect in their family BUT THE DIDN'T - for whatever reasons that must have come from their own troubled pasts.

I hope this helps others see what happened and how to prevent or correct it.
good luck,
jim
 
Old 09-11-2014, 03:13 PM
 
Location: encino, CA
866 posts, read 375,325 times
Reputation: 1132
Quote:
Originally Posted by TestingMyPatience View Post
They live with me and I will not be disrespected. I will not lay down and take whatever **** they throw at me. I will stand my ground.
I am with you on that. Now the next step is to figure out how to acquire their genuine love and respect. IMO, that can only happen if you behave normally and respectfully your self to set a good example and it has to be done by BOTH parents/adults in the home.

Quote:
I am sorry but if you were to marry someone who has children, you would understand. I am not ruthless, my discipline is very simple. I do not yell and scream at them unless they are at each others throats and that is the only way I can get them under control.
In my experience, the only thing that got us "under control" was a dreadful FEAR of our parents but we went completely crazy when they weren't around to "control" us. IMO, my parents should have and could have modeled respect, love and DIGNITY for us kids to see and COPY. There was a lot of animosity, FEAR and unhappiness in our home which influenced us kids to be very bad when we dared to be.

Quote:
My fiance and I have been together for 6 years. So I am not new to them.
Maybe the fact that after all of this time, you still are NOT his wife is bothering some of the kids.?.
When he finally makes you his bride and wife, I'd imagine the kids will see you in a very different and more respectful light and then you can truly fulfill the role of "mother" for them.

good luck,
jim
 
Old 09-12-2014, 01:10 PM
 
15 posts, read 12,192 times
Reputation: 15
Quote:
Originally Posted by Scooby Snacks View Post
Since you're asking for responses on a public forum, you will get a wide variety of responses, and some of them you won't like. I think it's rather uncouth to ask for help and then try to direct what you want the responses to be.
I don't think it's anyone's business to tell me if I should or should not discipline. There has been an agreement between their father and I and he wants me to take on that role. If people don't like it, than so be it. But I don't want to hear it.

Just like I tell our 10 y/o, if you don't have anything nice to say, then don't say anything at all. I want help, not criticism.
 
Old 09-12-2014, 01:49 PM
 
15 posts, read 12,192 times
Reputation: 15
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ohky0815 View Post
You simply cant, even 6yrs later walk in and suddenly say " thats it, listen to me!" because id want to smack you (as the birth mom) and so would the kid.

You were new, like a toy. Now you're going Incredible Hulk on them and they want you out.

It shows that you don't know our situation. Their mother is a drug addict, a woman who ran around on her husband while he was at home with their kids. Who they never saw because she was with other men. She has abandoned them. I'm the only form of female stability they have in their lives, that they have ever had. The oldest has fully accepted me and so has the youngest. The youngest isn't acting out at my discipline, they understand my role and they love me. But there is something WRONG. You're not getting the big picture here. He needs help.

The birth mother, has no say. She's no where to be found.
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