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Old 09-18-2014, 07:54 AM
 
Location: VA
629 posts, read 307,651 times
Reputation: 250

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I am the only child and my fiance is as well. We want to have 2-3 kids (we would be lucky to have 2 due to my age of starting too late) but her mom and her other family members say we should have at least 5. Now I love kids but I want to know how to deal with the pressure. How can I support 5 if we are blessed to have that many? I definitely don't want to just have one child because that experience wasn't beneficial for me. Some told me I'm too introverted and have poor social skills and I think its due to me being the only child and I didn't know the importance of socializing when I was young plus my family don't really care for me or my mom but that's a different story. My fiance is extraverted but her parents raised her differently, spoiled her rotten, and her family is very close and they care about each other and they instilled more confidence in her.

Next, what should a couple who is going to be married soon consider when it comes to family planning? I know there are many issues like fianaces, time available to spend with kids, etc. What do u think? In this day and age, what would make u determine to have 1 child versus 2, 3, 4, and so on. How can u know if u are able to take care of multiple kids emotionally, financially, etc.?

Finally, some advise to families who have 1 child and want to keep it that way. Just know its a big gamble doing this. I personally would suggest having 2 if u can. Being the only child is a lot of pressure and you have to learn so much on your own. All the spotlight is on u. Some only kids do well and be successful, ger married, have kids, etc.and it works out for the parents but others don't. Supposed if u want grandkids, ur only child is ur only chance for grandkids. Supposed if ur kid is infertile, or have a hard time finding a person to mate with, or if they are gay/lesbian, or they marry a person who is infertile, or they are a late bloomer and wait too late, or doesn't want kids or partner doesn't want them, or have a career or education path which pushes marriage and breeding back, or if they get with the wrong crowd and go to jail for many years during childbearing age, or if something unfortunate happens to your only child like them passing away, getting sick or a disease that hurts their chance to have kids, etc. You may instill feelings of guilt on ur kids for not keeping the family line and heritage going and that's gonna make them feel bad. I seen a lot of this happen. I seen one old man get disgusted with his only 40-42 yo daughter for not getting a man and providing him with a grandchild. I know you may think I am making this up, but I seen stuff like this happen before. Also, the only child may feel sad because they know when they get older, they will be lonely and have to worry about who will take care of business when they get older and who will put them away. One thing about life is that everything doesn't always happen the way you desire it to be, and life will throw obstacles sometimes huge and unchanging obstacles in your way.

Please consider my advice because I feel so many regrets now because I didn't realize when I was young the things I know now. Now the choice as to how many kids u have is yours and I am not the one to tell you what to do with your body, but just know having just one child is a huge gamble that could come with regrets later on.

Last edited by VABlkCONSERV; 09-18-2014 at 08:13 AM..
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Old 09-18-2014, 08:07 AM
 
Location: The Netherlands
4,294 posts, read 2,891,409 times
Reputation: 4257
I have one kid. And I am much happy with her. I am not a woman who make many kids to please others or to full fill some ones desire . If she does not want to give me a grand child that is fine. That is her choice and I do respect that.If she wants to be a lesbian that is fine too that is her life her choice. If I don't become grand mother that is fine it is not worlds end. By the way why do you think people need to be greedy for grand kids? Why do you think that need to feel guilty for not keeping the family line? What is a family line? Is there any point if you have family line but many drug dealers, abusers,murders, womanizers in the family? Where are you from China or some Asian country there they believe that very highly but not in our families. My parents got 2 kids my aunt and uncle got non because they decided not to make kids. They enjoy traveling all over the world. All about giving good child to the society not how much you give to the society. Thank you for your advise but I don't consider. I don't see no point.

Last edited by Zeurich; 09-18-2014 at 08:27 AM..
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Old 09-18-2014, 08:17 AM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
39,308 posts, read 37,896,251 times
Reputation: 74107
You are worrying about a LOT of things!

My advice is to keep it simple: It's YOUR life, your body, your family.

DO what YOU think is best.

We have 3 kids. I will tell you that things got MUCH more difficult with the 3rd. I love them all and would not change my mind about having them, but having that 3rd child really put a strain on our money, time and attention.

Start to practice simple replies to your family members when they start to butt in. What they are saying about YOUR family is natural, but it's inappropriate for them to EXPECT you to follow their wishes.


So begin to think of simple responses that you are comfortable saying when they go there. Something like, "Well, if you want to send me a check every month to help pay for 5 kids, we'll talk." Something to shut them down.

In reality, you cannot change them. You can only control what YOU think. So go with your gut.

To me, the point with parenting is quality. You do the best you can do. There is no magic number of how many is *the perfect* number of kids or what age is *the perfect* age. You have to decide how many kids YOU would be able to parent to the best of your ability and be comfortable with that choice.
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Old 09-18-2014, 09:15 AM
 
Location: VA
629 posts, read 307,651 times
Reputation: 250
Quote:
Originally Posted by Zeurch View Post
I have one kid. And I am much happy with her. I am not a woman who make many kids to please others or to full fill some ones desire . If she does not want to give me a grand child that is fine. That is her choice and I do respect that.If she wants to be a lesbian that is fine too that is her life her choice. If I don't become grand mother that is fine it is not worlds end. By the way why do you think people need to be greedy for grand kids? Why do you think that need to feel guilty for not keeping the family line? What is a family line? Is there any point if you have family line but many drug dealers, abusers,murders, womanizers in the family? Where are you from China or some Asian country there they believe that very highly but not in our families. My parents got 2 kids my aunt and uncle got non because they decided not to make kids. They enjoy traveling all over the world. All about giving good child to the society not how much you give to the society. Thank you for your advise but I don't consider. I don't see no point.
I didn't mean to offend your choice. I was just sharing my negative experience. Again, like I said its the parents choice as to how many kids they want. In your situation, u seem to have a good healthy mindset. My family is different and my experiences with them were negative due to many reasons. You make some very good points and ur daughter is lucky.

Some people when they get older, they desire to see the next generation go on. Their friends and family members their age have grandkids and they notice that they brag about their grandkids and I guess they feel left out. Sometimes grandparents want to spoil and keep their grandkids and some people are very family oriented. When they get together during holidays, they want to see their kids, grandkids, etc. You are very right about feeling guilty because I shouldn't put this burden on me. I do feel that my grandmother who passed felt away from me versus some of her other grandkids because I was the only one who didn't have kids yet except another one. Its a lot of issues with my family and my grandma (dads mom) didn't like my mother so that plus my personal struggles also strained my relationships with my family. I guess my environment wasn't healthy so that's why I feel the way I feel. But please note I am not an intrusive person and I don't tell people what to do with their bodies, I just wanted to share my experiences.
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Old 09-18-2014, 10:45 AM
 
Location: Wisconsin
7,215 posts, read 7,584,781 times
Reputation: 7717
Quote:
Originally Posted by Wmsn4Life View Post
So begin to think of simple responses that you are comfortable saying when they go there. Something like, "Well, if you want to send me a check every month to help pay for 5 kids, we'll talk." Something to shut them down.
That's a pretty good response.

It's pretty rare for any families to have that many children anymore. Around here, one or two kids per family is the norm. The couple families I know that have 4-5 kids don't pretend it's easy, though they are happy. Every family is different.
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