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Old 09-24-2014, 02:07 PM
 
Location: Cleveland, Ohio
10,835 posts, read 12,871,245 times
Reputation: 7073

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Wmsn4Life View Post
You already know how to do it. You and your wife just need to stop caving. PERIOD.

The son doesn't need training. You do.
+1. Totally agree.

Sleep training? Sleep consultant??? what the.... Is this modern parenting?

We have always just: put our only kid to bed.
It's bedtime, therefore you go to bed. There are no ifs ands or buts. No arguments. No crying. Never.
Go. To. Bed.
He has slept in our bed one time in 4 years. The very next night he wanted to sleep with us again... ah. I see where this is going. NO.

He's 4 now and we have never, not one time, had a hard time putting him to bed in 4 years.
I'm not trying to brag or anything just saying: you need to just put his butt to bed and stand FIRM. THIS IS THE NEW NORMAL.
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Old 09-24-2014, 02:44 PM
 
6,461 posts, read 6,105,318 times
Reputation: 9778
Some of you posters are really coming down hard on the OP.

1. It's not the worst thing to have your child sleep with you.

2. It's not the worst thing to have your child cry it out a bit.

3. The child is not going to die of SIDS and sleeping alone. This is such a non issue.

4. A person can put the intimacy of their marriage first and it not harm the kids.

5. A person can have a child come between their marriage partnership and no one benefits from that. A child is never going to thank you for letting your intimacy slip and causing marital issues. If you can get "creative" and have a close marriage with your child in the bed with you...fine. don't hold others to that standard.

The OP is a good dad with a good kid. give him a break.
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Old 09-24-2014, 03:05 PM
 
5,563 posts, read 7,647,609 times
Reputation: 5830
Melatonin works, just ask you child's pediatrician for the dose.

ETA: I never learned how to fall asleep as a child and now I'm a total insomniac. My husband and son are both good sleepers, but they were both taught very young.
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Old 09-24-2014, 05:23 PM
 
Location: Silicon Valley
16,765 posts, read 20,546,143 times
Reputation: 30836
I agree that you need a routine, and you need to never cave.

Unless he honestly has the flu or something that severe.

Kids are actually really easy to train. You just need to be consistent. And you need to be the boss.

Also, be sure you are monitoring his food and water intake before bed. No sugar after noon, for instance. No caffeine ever, except maybe some chocolate before noon.

I was the oldest of four kids, and babysat a million of them before I even left home. It was second nature to me with my daughter. Bedtime routine, then to bed.

My daughter had a hard time napping. So, we finally came up with a compromise. She could read her books or play with her dolls, etc., but she had to stay on her bed. That ended up working for us. She'd often end up sleeping, but not always, but I needed her naptime as much as she did lol!

If your son isn't autistic, you can train him. You and your wife both need to be consistent. You don't need experts. It's really easy, honestly. There will be resistance for a few days to a week, so expect that much time to be uncomfortable, but worth it for the prize.

I read a great book when I was pregnant with my daughter and I forget who wrote it. But in it, the author said that if a child comes home from school, for instance, every day and asks for a cookie, when the rule is no cookies before dinner - and you give in one time out of ten, you have trained that child to ask every day.

Another thing I learned is that kids respond really well when you say it's a "rule." The new bedtime rules are .... And, remember the new rule is....... Kids learn what rules are really quickly, and they respect them if they are consistent. His future teachers will thank you profusely for teaching him about rules.

Good luck. I think the biggest challenge will be for you and your wife to agree to a plan and stick to it.

I wouldn't let him ever fall asleep in your bed, BTW. You lay on his bed with him, read him his story, and leave him in his bed. Not only does it make him want to be in your bed, but it can freak him out to wake up somewhere else.

FWIW
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Old 09-24-2014, 06:21 PM
 
1,176 posts, read 1,900,127 times
Reputation: 1397
Quote:
Originally Posted by Zeurch View Post
Kids who go to sleep crying growing as haters when they get older.

It's really simply not true that a set of frustrated parents who want to regain their bedroom autonomy (which is completely understandable, well within their authority and ability and totally okay) and accomplish this by putting their foot down with their child will somehow turn that child into a hater. Seriously, that's not true.

There is nothing wrong with having your child sleep in your bed either, AS LONG AS IT's AN ARRANGEMENT THAT IS WORKING FOR EVERYONE. There are many cultures where the entire family sleeps in the same bed until the kids marry and move out... I'm not suggesting that there is any problem with that. I don't, however, think it's healthy to let a pre-schooler take the family in a direction that the family doesn't agree with. Some measure of regaining control is called for, I think.
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Old 09-24-2014, 06:54 PM
 
936 posts, read 1,219,423 times
Reputation: 1414
Two things...

First, you cannot force a child to sleep (well, without medicating them!) so stop trying. Explain to the child that mom and dad need some quiet time and that starts at 8:00PM (or whatever time you decide). So stick with a nightly routine...as mentioned bath, jammies, story book, lights out, nighty night. "You don't have to go to sleep but you must stay on your bed and be quiet since mommy and daddy need quiet too." Be sure to start with limiting fluids afer dinner, do not respond to the child loudly calling for you, crying, begging, if the child comes out of the room do not utter even one word, put the child back on the bed and leave the room. Do not talk to the child about anything because then they know they are getting attention. They will respond to any attention, even negative attention. Do not reinforce this behavior. Seriously, if they are fed, dry, in comfy clothes, and the room is child proofed...what are you so worried about? There were times my daughter would stand on her bed (her "island" she called it) and danced, sang, read books...sometimes she was still reading at 10pm when I went to bed and passed by her door, and sometimes she fell right to sleep at 8pm. But bedtime is bedtime, no arguments, no compromises, we are not negotiating.

Second, the skill you are trying to teach is to put themselves to sleep by themselves, alone. Sitting next to the bed until they fall asleep is not helping. Everyone, babies/children/adults, normally wakeup multiple times everynight. If a person does not have the skill to put themselves to sleep by themselves they may have chronic sleep problems.

You do not need a sleep counselor. You need a backbone. This child has joined your established family, not the other way around. This is your house and you control the resources. What are you going to do when it comes to homework, manners, etc...cave? I understand the whole co-sleeping thing, have lots of friends who do it. I also had lots of friends, before that theory came along, that were still sleeping with 7 year olds who refused to fall asleep by themselves because a parent always caved to crawling in bed with the child. After several years of this they all ended up sleeping in their clothes everynight because they were so tired from work and the kids that they would just sleep all night in the kids' beds.

To make the sleep thing easier I would be sure that the child is napping no more than 90 minutes during the day and getting up at 7 or 8 in the morning. 1-3 hour nap (I'm going with 1-1/2 to be in the middle) and 12 hours at night. So if you put them to bed at 8pm they should sleep until 8am, approximately.
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Old 09-24-2014, 07:27 PM
 
161 posts, read 165,770 times
Reputation: 239
Quote:
Originally Posted by Peregrine View Post
+1. Totally agree.

Sleep training? Sleep consultant??? what the.... Is this modern parenting?

We have always just: put our only kid to bed.
It's bedtime, therefore you go to bed. There are no ifs ands or buts. No arguments. No crying. Never.
Go. To. Bed.
He has slept in our bed one time in 4 years. The very next night he wanted to sleep with us again... ah. I see where this is going. NO.

He's 4 now and we have never, not one time, had a hard time putting him to bed in 4 years.
I'm not trying to brag or anything just saying: you need to just put his butt to bed and stand FIRM. THIS IS THE NEW NORMAL.
You're fortunate that your one and only child is a good sleeper and incredibly obedient. And "no crying"? Wow. I can't imagine having a young child so docile.

May all your years of parenting be so simple and easy!
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Old 09-24-2014, 07:33 PM
 
1,640 posts, read 3,181,922 times
Reputation: 3467
I solved my toddler cosleeping problem by sticking her in bed with her sister (who was 4 at the time, she was 2). Worked like a charm! I had another baby at the time so I wasn't cosleeping with 2 kids! They coslept happily until the younger one decided she wanted her own bed. She was 4.
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Old 09-24-2014, 11:30 PM
 
Location: Tucson for awhile longer
8,874 posts, read 12,931,398 times
Reputation: 28957
What on earth is a "sleep consultant"?
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Old 09-24-2014, 11:39 PM
 
35,121 posts, read 37,853,466 times
Reputation: 61846
Quote:
Originally Posted by utsci View Post
Two things...

First, you cannot force a child to sleep (well, without medicating them!) so stop trying. Explain to the child that mom and dad need some quiet time and that starts at 8:00PM (or whatever time you decide). So stick with a nightly routine...as mentioned bath, jammies, story book, lights out, nighty night. "You don't have to go to sleep but you must stay on your bed and be quiet since mommy and daddy need quiet too." Be sure to start with limiting fluids afer dinner, do not respond to the child loudly calling for you, crying, begging, if the child comes out of the room do not utter even one word, put the child back on the bed and leave the room. Do not talk to the child about anything because then they know they are getting attention. They will respond to any attention, even negative attention. Do not reinforce this behavior. Seriously, if they are fed, dry, in comfy clothes, and the room is child proofed...what are you so worried about? There were times my daughter would stand on her bed (her "island" she called it) and danced, sang, read books...sometimes she was still reading at 10pm when I went to bed and passed by her door, and sometimes she fell right to sleep at 8pm. But bedtime is bedtime, no arguments, no compromises, we are not negotiating.

Second, the skill you are trying to teach is to put themselves to sleep by themselves, alone. Sitting next to the bed until they fall asleep is not helping. Everyone, babies/children/adults, normally wakeup multiple times everynight. If a person does not have the skill to put themselves to sleep by themselves they may have chronic sleep problems.

You do not need a sleep counselor. You need a backbone. This child has joined your established family, not the other way around. This is your house and you control the resources. What are you going to do when it comes to homework, manners, etc...cave? I understand the whole co-sleeping thing, have lots of friends who do it. I also had lots of friends, before that theory came along, that were still sleeping with 7 year olds who refused to fall asleep by themselves because a parent always caved to crawling in bed with the child. After several years of this they all ended up sleeping in their clothes everynight because they were so tired from work and the kids that they would just sleep all night in the kids' beds.

To make the sleep thing easier I would be sure that the child is napping no more than 90 minutes during the day and getting up at 7 or 8 in the morning. 1-3 hour nap (I'm going with 1-1/2 to be in the middle) and 12 hours at night. So if you put them to bed at 8pm they should sleep until 8am, approximately.

Why would a parent have to explain anything to a child?
You put them to bed, tell them to stay there and leave the room.
If they get up you put them back in bed.

We never had our children in our bed except the day we brought them home from the hospital.
I went to bed with them in my arms and we slept for a few hours. After that, they were in their own rooms in their own bed and never any fuss after that when it was time for bed.

Original Poster: Time to be a Parent and teach your child that you are the Parent and they will do as you tell them to do and stay in bed.
No explaining, no negotiating, put them to bed and be done with it.
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