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Old 09-30-2014, 07:10 AM
 
10,403 posts, read 7,488,333 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by EvilCookie View Post
IMO, DON'T back off; continue to stay on top of him, what he is doing, schoolwork, and most importantly mental and emotional health, and keep a sharp eye out for the anxiety, social issues and conflicts, depression and so on. Give him responsibilities and set expectations for him to stick to them. Remove privileges like screen time if need be. Keep him busy - extracurriculars, sports, chores, whatever it takes, it sounds like he needs structure and external motivation if he doesn't have it internally. Good luck!
Did you catch that? ^^^From someone who's been through it. Loud and clear. Don't back off! When your son looks back, do you want him to say "Didn't you care that I was miserable and failing?". Do everything you can!! And that bully crap needs to stop YESTERDAY. I don't care if you have to stand in the hall and take videos. If your son is being bullied, first it's illegal and second, he's probably not the only kid being bullied. wth? That needs to stop. If the school won't help then change schools.
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Old 09-30-2014, 07:50 AM
 
Location: Dallas TX
14,303 posts, read 20,563,635 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by EvilCookie View Post
This, and since you clarified that he's being bullied, why aren't you focusing on this first and foremost?? Stopping the bullying, even if it requires changing schools or moving, should be the number one priority for you right now. What exactly is happening? How bad is it? Him being unfocused could very easily be nothing but a consequence of the bullying - it's hard to think about homework if you're afraid of coming to school each day. So can the anxiety - of course he's anxious if he knows he'll be getting bullied at school! Wouldn't you be?

What are you doing to solve the problem - have you talked to the teachers, administrators, principal? Bullying has led kids to suicide, please take care of this if you care about your son
Thanks all, he is not being bullied anymore!! I just reread my OP, thought I put that in past tense. He was bullied, past tense. Trust me, I was on top of this, and sadly the school was horrible. It is a long story, but I know this definitely changed him. The school he is in now is so much better.

I try to get him to join different clubs. He 'forgets' to go. We invite his friends over, take him out, force him into social situations that we know he will be okay once he is in.

He just started ADHD meds, this has been a struggle trying to find the right one and dosage. But we are working with a doctor for this and anxiety. An awful combination.
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Old 09-30-2014, 09:23 AM
 
Location: Long Island, NY
7,846 posts, read 10,260,869 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by veuvegirl View Post
Thanks all, he is not being bullied anymore!! I just reread my OP, thought I put that in past tense. He was bullied, past tense. Trust me, I was on top of this, and sadly the school was horrible. It is a long story, but I know this definitely changed him. The school he is in now is so much better.

I try to get him to join different clubs. He 'forgets' to go. We invite his friends over, take him out, force him into social situations that we know he will be okay once he is in.

He just started ADHD meds, this has been a struggle trying to find the right one and dosage. But we are working with a doctor for this and anxiety. An awful combination.

What ADHD meds is he on? Once you get the right med and dosage, you'll notice an improvement. My daughter is ADHD and is on the daytrana patch 15 mg. Most of the ADHD meds are 8 hr time-released so if he's forgetting things at 3pm or even earlier then maybe whatever he's on isn't strong enough. I feel for you. I know how stressing it can be. Hopefully the doctor finds the right dosage.

Don't give up or let him fail. I've had to make notes for my daughter and make sure she's super organized. I tried "motivation" rewards but really, a lot of times they just can't help it and they forget. Have you tried reducing electronic stimulation like video games or cell phone use (if he has one)? Kids with ADHD tend to focus much more on that and it becomes too much of a distraction. How are his sleeping habits?
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Old 09-30-2014, 10:09 AM
 
Location: Corona del Mar & Coronado, CA
1,573 posts, read 1,121,724 times
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Have you thought of joining a church with a good high school youth program?

You don't have to buy into the theology of the church, but people have used churches as social gathering places for a long time. Most youth groups I've seen have been really inclusive of people.

I know it is a stretch for some people, but I've seen a lot of kids bloom that way.
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Old 09-30-2014, 10:16 AM
 
7,497 posts, read 9,282,777 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by veuvegirl View Post
Frankly I feel stupid posting this, but am at my wits end with my son. He is an extremely sweet boy, but has no motivation. He has a very hard time making friends (bad bulky issue) and suffers from anxiety. He is in his freshman year of high school.

He seems like a lost puppy, not understanding he needs to write down his homework, do his homework and follow up. I have been micromanaging this kid from the first day of high school. If I stop, he fails tests, quizzes amd doesn't do his homework. When I ask him what is going on he gives me a blank stare. I have tried taking away everything until he improves his grades, motivating by giving him back electronics.

Quite honestly it frightens me for him becoming an adult. He is four years away from graduating and I can't see him beyond high school.

Anyone have a child that was like this? Suggestions please! I would appreciate people not bashing
It's a good idea to nip the anxiety and making-friends thing in the bud. I'm now 30 and just now coming to terms with the fact that I have to get help for my inability to make friends and lack of social skills and how it's held me back thus far professionally.
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Old 09-30-2014, 11:11 AM
 
2,540 posts, read 3,304,624 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Osito View Post
It's a good idea to nip the anxiety and making-friends thing in the bud. I'm now 30 and just now coming to terms with the fact that I have to get help for my inability to make friends and lack of social skills and how it's held me back thus far professionally.
This is a tough one, though. Because not only does HE need to want and try to make friends, but the other kids need to want to be friends with him. And kids are a tough a bunch at that age. I'm also 31 and STILL struggle with making friends - what seems to come naturally to other people is, for me, a very specific effort that's almost like dating, I think about what to say, when to call, when to show initiative without being a nuisance, it's kind of exhausting and still I don't feel like people gravitate to me the way they do to others.

But the type of person is extremely important. Maybe he can find something he's interested in where he can meet a group of 'his' type of people - be it 'nerds' or whatever. Something in common, even if it's a video game. Feeling included and as a part of something works wonders for confidence - I speak from experience.
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Old 09-30-2014, 11:31 AM
 
2,540 posts, read 3,304,624 times
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Originally Posted by bellakin123 View Post
What ADHD meds is he on? Once you get the right med and dosage, you'll notice an improvement. My daughter is ADHD and is on the daytrana patch 15 mg. Most of the ADHD meds are 8 hr time-released so if he's forgetting things at 3pm or even earlier then maybe whatever he's on isn't strong enough. I feel for you. I know how stressing it can be. Hopefully the doctor finds the right dosage.
Call me crazy but I don't understand this current trend of jumping to popping pills for any little thing - and especially for kids. It's just looking incredibly overprescribed right now. Yes some cases require it - but it really should be a last resort. And no, forgetting your homework isn't it. Kids are forgetful - especially when it comes to stuff they don't like. I was like that, my sister was like that; she also used to constantly lose and forget her things everywhere - neither of us has ADHD. Our parents harped on us enough to keep track of this stuff and eventually we learned. I still forget stuff every now and then - because I'm human, not because I need to be on meds.

Honestly it just sounds like a kid going through one of the worst ages (remember being 13? 13 is the worst), and dealing with all the changes and puberty and self-esteem issues, and not having a support network, a circle of friends to get him through it to boot. And that's tough. To me it sounds like he's miserable and lonely - and maybe distancing himself emotionally from the mundane details of life to escape. Maybe he can't keep his mind on schoolwork because he's beating himself up inside, thinking he's a loser and will never be good at anything or have friends. I may be completely off base here - but again I'm speaking from experience because I've been there (as a girl which was probably even tougher) and I know what that's like.

If I were you I'd lay off the meds for a bit - they're not vitamins, they're heavy-duty medications that alter the brain and personality. They have side effects. You can feel like a different person on them. They might be an instant patch-up solution to remembering his homework but they're not really solving anything aside from that. Talk to him. Does he talk to you, does he open up? Find out what he's feeling, what he's thinking. Stop focusing on remembering schoolwork for now because that's not the most important thing here. Find out what's really going on in his life and make sure he is okay. Then go from there - reminders, charts, rewards, schedules, you can do all that to help him stay on track, that's the easy part, but you need to start at the root.

Sorry for the long post - this just touched a nerve for me on a personal level.
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Old 09-30-2014, 01:16 PM
 
Location: Long Island, NY
7,846 posts, read 10,260,869 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by EvilCookie View Post
Call me crazy but I don't understand this current trend of jumping to popping pills for any little thing - and especially for kids. It's just looking incredibly overprescribed right now. Yes some cases require it - but it really should be a last resort. And no, forgetting your homework isn't it. Kids are forgetful - especially when it comes to stuff they don't like. I was like that, my sister was like that; she also used to constantly lose and forget her things everywhere - neither of us has ADHD. Our parents harped on us enough to keep track of this stuff and eventually we learned. I still forget stuff every now and then - because I'm human, not because I need to be on meds.

Honestly it just sounds like a kid going through one of the worst ages (remember being 13? 13 is the worst), and dealing with all the changes and puberty and self-esteem issues, and not having a support network, a circle of friends to get him through it to boot. And that's tough. To me it sounds like he's miserable and lonely - and maybe distancing himself emotionally from the mundane details of life to escape. Maybe he can't keep his mind on schoolwork because he's beating himself up inside, thinking he's a loser and will never be good at anything or have friends. I may be completely off base here - but again I'm speaking from experience because I've been there (as a girl which was probably even tougher) and I know what that's like.

If I were you I'd lay off the meds for a bit - they're not vitamins, they're heavy-duty medications that alter the brain and personality. They have side effects. You can feel like a different person on them. They might be an instant patch-up solution to remembering his homework but they're not really solving anything aside from that. Talk to him. Does he talk to you, does he open up? Find out what he's feeling, what he's thinking. Stop focusing on remembering schoolwork for now because that's not the most important thing here. Find out what's really going on in his life and make sure he is okay. Then go from there - reminders, charts, rewards, schedules, you can do all that to help him stay on track, that's the easy part, but you need to start at the root.

Sorry for the long post - this just touched a nerve for me on a personal level.

Were you and your sister tested for ADHD? I'm just curious because back when I was a kid, there wasn't testing like today so maybe kids who lost and forgot stuff all the time were ADHD but didn't know it?

The bolded--that's exactly why I changed neurologists. The first one we saw immediately prescribed meds and my daughter is only borderline ADHD. I refused meds because I thought she was too young (she was 7 at the time) and the side affects were frightening. What got me upset is that he is a very well known and reknowned child neurologist so it baffled me that he was quick to put her on medication without even trying alternative methods--methods that he offered on his website!

It was our last resort with our second neurologist. We saw her for about 2 years before we decided to try medication and we started at the lowest possible dose. We saw the doctor monthly and went over progress or if there were set-backs such as grades. Our doctor knew our position on medication and she doesn't believe in instant medicating. This is why it's extremely important to find a doctor that is not pharma-happy.

Medication is not only for "forgetfulness". I'm 44 and I forget stuff all the time. The medication is also for attention deficiency. That means while my daughter is listening to her teacher, that little thread hanging off her binder has suddenly grabbed her attention. Or maybe she's focused on the way the eraser sounds when it's tapped against her desk. Or maybe it's the one yellow leaf on the tree outside. Or maybe it's doodling in the back of the book.

I have no regrets in putting my child on medication because it was a thought-out process with prior monitoring and Connors scales and feedback. You can only do so much "rewarding" until your kid doesn't give a hoot about the reward anymore. There is no "right or wrong". It's up to each parent to do their research and hopefully they find the right doctor.
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Old 09-30-2014, 02:06 PM
 
Location: Dallas TX
14,303 posts, read 20,563,635 times
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Thank you all so much for the great input. I think definitely we are at a time where many doctors will suggest pills, it is scary. I waited until this year to have my son try medication. He has been to three different doctors, all whom diagnosed him with ADHD. You definitely need to do what you think is right for your child in the case as there is no one size fits all.

I just am at a loss with this type of behavior and how to help motivate him!! You all have given me great suggestions without judging, thank you so, so much!
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Old 09-30-2014, 02:13 PM
 
7,239 posts, read 12,656,411 times
Reputation: 8513
I think you should also carve out a time for something like a Mommy & Son date (though, don't call it that. That would horrify him), this way you can have a relationship that's pressure-free, and a way to touch base. You need to get the communication lines open.
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