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Old 10-07-2014, 12:51 PM
 
16,724 posts, read 13,721,279 times
Reputation: 40996

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Quote:
Originally Posted by kpl1228 View Post
Still sorting through it. Love her, she's 22. Basically raised her since kindergarten. But I have not told anyone about her status and it isn't because it's a private issue, It's because I'm actually embarrassed to tell my friends. Always very feminine and traditionally very pretty and "passed" as straight through high school, and till the last year or so when she went full-on butch.
The thing that I'm most embarrassed about is not her, it's me and my embarrassment over it. Her mother and I are on the other side of the country from her (because of work) and it is easy to handle now.
I always talked a good game, supported gay rights for years, etc. But I think my worst nightmare would be to have her walk in and see all my friends after years and then I'd be .......uncomfortable, I guess.
Very confusing time for me. Always suspected it, not a shock. But I'm not announcing it either. She also has no idea I feel these things. My wife is much much better at this than me and i think she'd handle it as business as usual. I'd be sweating thru it.
I love her and want her to be happy. We talk a bit and we are fine as the relationship between all parties is. I'm just a bit ashamed over my "hiding" of this, and certainly me consciously planning to meet her "alone for dinner" as a visit instead of going to my friends parties and cookouts with her, or meeting the crowd at the local watering hole........ anyone else gone through this?
It isn't about my friends I know "if they were REALLY your friends.....etc etc" (they'd probably be cool with it actually). My parents are both passed away but after an hour or two with her, they'd have been fine with it (but might have felt the same apprehension regarding public acknolwedgement).
It really is "what will the neighbors say?" That's what shocks me about my thoughts about all this. That and she's an adult and I'm handling this like she's thirteen and got a nose ring and we're due at Grandma's for Thanksgiving dinner with the relatives in an hour.
For your daughter's sake, you have to fake it, and support her.

My daughter is gay and when she came out I didn't have a clue. She was married to a man at the time. They divorced and she now has had a girlfriend for seven years and they really love each other. If she's happy, then I'm happy.

Is it difficult around other people? Only if they make it that way. I love my daughter dearly and I was afraid of what other people would say at first, but nobody said anything to my face. I heard about it in a roundabout way and I cut those people out of my life, because if you can't love my daughter, you can't love me either.

One day we were all out to dinner with the whole family and someone at another table made a comment about my daughter's girlfriend and snickered, "Is that a boy or a girl?"

I turned around and said, "She's a better person than you, either way." I was so angry.

From then on I only wanted to protect her. I hope you get there, too.
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Old 10-07-2014, 12:53 PM
 
16,724 posts, read 13,721,279 times
Reputation: 40996
Quote:
Originally Posted by Montanama View Post
Fake it till you make it. I don't think you are horrible for feeling this way or thinking these thoughts, but act like you don't have them and eventually you won't, and you won't have any horrible, relationship-damaging moments to look back on or apologize for.

Fake it. It's a temporary worry, and you will see that it doesn't matter before long.

Let one of your "friends" call you stepdaughter a bull-dyke and see how fast your Papa Bear comes out.

Nothing has changed, after all. Except, presumably, a haircut.
See?
Yep. I cut a friend and his wife out of my life when they disowned their son for being gay. I knew then they weren't the type of people I wanted to know.
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Old 10-07-2014, 01:32 PM
 
Location: New Mexico via Ohio via Indiana
1,435 posts, read 1,188,012 times
Reputation: 2269
Quote:
Originally Posted by convextech View Post
For your daughter's sake, you have to fake it, and support her.


One day we were all out to dinner with the whole family and someone at another table made a comment about my daughter's girlfriend and snickered, "Is that a boy or a girl?"

I turned around and said, "She's a better person than you, either way." I was so angry.

From then on I only wanted to protect her. I hope you get there, too.
Thanks.
It has happened once, and only once, after she came out and changed the appearance. A waiter asked my wife what "her son" was having for dinner. She got mad, our "son" laughed it off. I wasn't there but she does look like a high school boy now. My wife, however, was furious and was insulted. I told her to "get used to it." I might have said the same thing, totally innocently. But who knows?
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Old 10-07-2014, 01:55 PM
 
16,724 posts, read 13,721,279 times
Reputation: 40996
Quote:
Originally Posted by kpl1228 View Post
Thanks.
It has happened once, and only once, after she came out and changed the appearance. A waiter asked my wife what "her son" was having for dinner. She got mad, our "son" laughed it off. I wasn't there but she does look like a high school boy now. My wife, however, was furious and was insulted. I told her to "get used to it." I might have said the same thing, totally innocently. But who knows?

We joke that our "daughter-in-law" is the son we never had. It doesn't offend her. She indeed is the one who does all the guy things. She dresses in Skater Boy clothes, wears Vans & Hurley, and does the heavy lifting. I think it's only offensive when someone does it on purpose.
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Old 10-07-2014, 03:47 PM
 
Location: Denver, Colorado U.S.A.
14,174 posts, read 22,535,436 times
Reputation: 10428
Quote:
Originally Posted by kpl1228 View Post
Still sorting through it. Love her, she's 22. Basically raised her since kindergarten. But I have not told anyone about her status and it isn't because it's a private issue, It's because I'm actually embarrassed to tell my friends. Always very feminine and traditionally very pretty and "passed" as straight through high school, and till the last year or so when she went full-on butch.
The thing that I'm most embarrassed about is not her, it's me and my embarrassment over it. Her mother and I are on the other side of the country from her (because of work) and it is easy to handle now.
I always talked a good game, supported gay rights for years, etc. But I think my worst nightmare would be to have her walk in and see all my friends after years and then I'd be .......uncomfortable, I guess.
Very confusing time for me. Always suspected it, not a shock. But I'm not announcing it either. She also has no idea I feel these things. My wife is much much better at this than me and i think she'd handle it as business as usual. I'd be sweating thru it.
I love her and want her to be happy. We talk a bit and we are fine as the relationship between all parties is. I'm just a bit ashamed over my "hiding" of this, and certainly me consciously planning to meet her "alone for dinner" as a visit instead of going to my friends parties and cookouts with her, or meeting the crowd at the local watering hole........ anyone else gone through this?
It isn't about my friends I know "if they were REALLY your friends.....etc etc" (they'd probably be cool with it actually). My parents are both passed away but after an hour or two with her, they'd have been fine with it (but might have felt the same apprehension regarding public acknolwedgement).
It really is "what will the neighbors say?" That's what shocks me about my thoughts about all this. That and she's an adult and I'm handling this like she's thirteen and got a nose ring and we're due at Grandma's for Thanksgiving dinner with the relatives in an hour.
As a gay son, I'd say you're doing much better than my parents did. I've never been close to them in adulthood, partially due to their negative reaction to finding out I'm gay. But it took me years to deal with the reality that I'm gay. Most parents are going to take time to deal with it and come to terms with it as well. Don't beat yourself up over it, just take baby steps. It'll all work out.
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Old 10-07-2014, 05:17 PM
 
Location: Portland Metro
2,274 posts, read 3,700,539 times
Reputation: 2619
I just took a moment to imagine what a thread like this would have looked like 20 years ago, and found myself thankful that so much progress has been made. To steal from Dr. King, it is the content of her character that really matters.

Kudos to the OP for your honesty and kudos to the C-D community for supporting the OP and showing what the prevailing attitude is.
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Old 10-07-2014, 06:11 PM
 
820 posts, read 942,389 times
Reputation: 1166
People are embarrassed of you for being close minded.
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Old 10-07-2014, 06:43 PM
 
29,938 posts, read 15,264,016 times
Reputation: 15665
Quote:
Originally Posted by kpl1228 View Post
It really is "what will the neighbors say?" That's what shocks me about my thoughts about all this. That and she's an adult and I'm handling this like she's thirteen and got a nose ring and we're due at Grandma's for Thanksgiving dinner with the relatives in an hour.
Love the humor - you and her will be just fine.
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Old 10-07-2014, 06:44 PM
 
Location: 60630
11,668 posts, read 17,085,369 times
Reputation: 10714
Quote:
Originally Posted by sjdemak View Post
People are embarrassed of you for being close minded.
Who are you talking about? Please read the whole OP and understand what it is she is saying. Most of us here giving her props for being honest with us and herself, and she does know she is the one with the problem. Nobody is denying that.
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Old 10-07-2014, 07:01 PM
 
29,938 posts, read 15,264,016 times
Reputation: 15665
Quote:
Originally Posted by allenk893 View Post
If you don't want to support homosexuality or your daughter being one, you don't have to. You owe no one an explanation or apology.
Interesting. I'm of the mindset that if you're going to withhold support to a loved one over such an integral part of their identity, you do in fact owe at the very least an explanation.

As luck would have it, the OP has it right and no apologies will be needed.
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