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OP here again.....As it said in needlepoint in the Warden's office when he realizes that Andy escaped in The Shawshank Redemption: "His judgement cometh and that right soon..."
I know that day is coming. Christmas is coming up. If I go to gatherings and reunions with friends without her, it'll be obvious. I need to do it, I know.
What might be even more comfortable than the conservative old fogies are the young liberal friends (and children of friends). "What do think of THAT, huh?" Betcha didn't think THAT when she was in high school!" Very friendly, but will say ANYTHING (and love watching me squirm just for the thrill-----easily done btw). They'll say it with her there too. Not sure how I feel about all of it.
The Warden who had a person killed for telling the truth about Andy D
That about sums up Stephen's Kings feeling on the hypocrisy and so justly mirrors your own. Great selection!
The point of the advice is to keep the embarrassment to himself rather than burdening his wife or stepdaughter with it. To grin and bear it until he gets through this, which is only a period of adjustment, without saying or doing something hurtful and damaging to the relationship, all unnecessarily.
In other words, his fears are, as OP seems to recognize, likely temporary and largely unfounded. "Faking it" just means not saying or doing something that he can't take back just because he's feeling something that while understandable is almost certainly not going to be a permanent issue.
Do you speak every thought you have, in every circumstance? No. There are many moments in life where we need to act as though we are okay with something until we are. Many times that we find something kind to say rather than what we really think at the moment. There's no need to share every emotion we have with others, especially if we know it's going to hurt them. That's why many suggested he join a group where he can express these thoughts and work through them without damaging his family along the way.
To say that "faking anything is morally wrong and undesirable" shows a profound lack of empathy, imo, and I am notorious for lacking a filter, lol. No one is suggesting he fake who he is. He loves his stepdaughter. That's who he is. The embarrassment is temporary. "Fake it till you make it" means focus on the love, on the outcome you want, as if you're already there and keep the rest to yourself.
"Real" friends, btw, do that when needed to maintain a friendship. If you have to do it all the time, I agree the friendship is not genuine. But we all censor ourselves for the sake of others' feelings, and well we should. It's a matter of maturity to know what is your own issue to deal with and what needs to be spoken/shared with others.
But it's not a guarantee that the person is going to "adjust" to this. Maybe they will never find it acceptable and when they finally bring it up to their friend, their response is going to be: "That happened 6 months ago. Why are you just telling me this for the first time?"
And yes, I do speak every thought I have in every circumstance. If another person and myself go to say something at the same time and that person's response causes the conversation to go in a completely different direction, then maybe I miss a few thoughts to say, but I never stop myself from saying something just because it might make them mad.
There is never a morally valid reason to fake something. I want to know what you are really thinking. Even if you eventually are able to see an issue the way I see it, I want to know the path you took to come to your understanding. It means more as a friend to see someone go through a lot to please me than to just tell me what you think I want to hear. I would be much more hurt if you hid something from me than to just tell me what you feel. To "fake it till you make it" means I don't even know who you are, but a robot who only outputs a scripted set of actions and conceals his true identity.
If you censor yourself for the sake of my feelings, that is your own insecurity that you can't handle my response.
Most parents don't love their children or feel proud of them on a contingency basis. We tend to love them no matter what and generally don't hitch our pride wagon to their sexual orientation.
Most parents don't love their children or feel proud of them on a contingency basis. We tend to love them no matter what and generally don't hitch our pride wagon to their sexual orientation.
So if your child had a 40% average, was uncoordinated, and was always in trouble at school, you'd love them to the same degree as a child with a 99% average, captain of several sports teams, and beloved by their teachers?
He does not have a girlfriend. The part of the question was is he married. That is something he is just waiting for Gay Marriage to be legal in his state. He is telling the truth. He is just not saying who he would marry. It makes it less uncomfortable for the other party, to say what he says, than if he said, "Hell No, I am gay and want nothing to do with women".
What I have seen, is he has a lot of real good women friends that know he is gay. He is like a girl friend when with them. He is not hitting on them, and they can relax with him more than they can with men friends that are not gay. On the other hand if someone is bothering them, he becomes their protector. They are comfortable with him, and he makes them feel safe.
Last edited by Jaded; 10-07-2014 at 01:33 PM..
Reason: Removed deleted posts
Still sorting through it. Love her, she's 22. Basically raised her since kindergarten. But I have not told anyone about her status and it isn't because it's a private issue, It's because I'm actually embarrassed to tell my friends. Always very feminine and traditionally very pretty and "passed" as straight through high school, and till the last year or so when she went full-on butch.
The thing that I'm most embarrassed about is not her, it's me and my embarrassment over it. Her mother and I are on the other side of the country from her (because of work) and it is easy to handle now.
I always talked a good game, supported gay rights for years, etc. But I think my worst nightmare would be to have her walk in and see all my friends after years and then I'd be .......uncomfortable, I guess.
Very confusing time for me. Always suspected it, not a shock. But I'm not announcing it either. She also has no idea I feel these things. My wife is much much better at this than me and i think she'd handle it as business as usual. I'd be sweating thru it.
I love her and want her to be happy. We talk a bit and we are fine as the relationship between all parties is. I'm just a bit ashamed over my "hiding" of this, and certainly me consciously planning to meet her "alone for dinner" as a visit instead of going to my friends parties and cookouts with her, or meeting the crowd at the local watering hole........ anyone else gone through this?
It isn't about my friends I know "if they were REALLY your friends.....etc etc" (they'd probably be cool with it actually). My parents are both passed away but after an hour or two with her, they'd have been fine with it (but might have felt the same apprehension regarding public acknolwedgement).
It really is "what will the neighbors say?" That's what shocks me about my thoughts about all this. That and she's an adult and I'm handling this like she's thirteen and got a nose ring and we're due at Grandma's for Thanksgiving dinner with the relatives in an hour.
It will get better for you soon, and before you know it, you won't have any problem with it at all. It's just a new experience for you, but you just stick it out because the truth is, the neighbors have their own issues to deal with and they aren't really worrying about yours. They make small talk because they don't know what else to say and ask the same old questions. So as Donald Draper says on Mad Men, you don't what's being said, change the conversation.
Yeah, you know, just because you know it isn't right to feel the way you do doesn't mean you aren't gonna feel that way. Kudos for being honest. You WILL get over it- its just taking some getting used to.
Lets face it- sex and talking about sex has been skewed in America since day one. Either its been completely overdramatized or shoved under the carpet. It takes a long while to strike a happy medium on these things when you consider that the Puritans were some of our first settlers. Its tough because it makes it really explicit- with straight people, it isn't like you look at them and think, "they are having sex later". With people you know are gay it makes the whole sex thing a lot more explicit, if that makes sense. It just puts it on the table in a way that makes a lot of people uncomfortable. Which honestly is a great argument for everyone to get over it and realize its JUST sex, we all have it, lets move on.
I have no doubt you will. I know its a tough thing to get used to but you know, I bet your friends wouldn't think a thing about it- and if they did, you probably would be bothered by that. Friends should accept you for who you are and who your family is. With friends who didn't, who needs em? Who wants that kind of judgement?
Good luck, in any case.
So if your child had a 40% average, was uncoordinated, and was always in trouble at school, you'd love them to the same degree as a child with a 99% average, captain of several sports teams, and beloved by their teachers?
Absolutely, yes. To do otherwise quite frankly makes one an awful person, and it's definitely not the norm amongst any real parents that I know IRL (thankfully).
So if your child had a 40% average, was uncoordinated, and was always in trouble at school, you'd love them to the same degree as a child with a 99% average, captain of several sports teams, and beloved by their teachers?
I don't think you understand love. Furthermore, your method of sorting children into groups of desirables and undesirables is very 1940s Germany, so I'm just going to assume you're not being serious.
I don't think you understand love. Furthermore, your method of sorting children into groups of desirables and undesirables is very 1940s Germany, so I'm just going to assume you're not being serious.
Unfortunately there are parents out there like that but I don't think it's common. It's very unfortunate and I feel sorry for her daughter. Your kids is everything you have and if a parent can't show unconditional love to their own children, than why even have kids. I think I have an idea and it doesn't include love.
Last edited by glass_of_merlot; 10-07-2014 at 12:08 PM..
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