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Old 10-02-2014, 03:50 PM
 
Location: New Mexico via Ohio via Indiana
1,418 posts, read 1,179,648 times
Reputation: 2226

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Still sorting through it. Love her, she's 22. Basically raised her since kindergarten. But I have not told anyone about her status and it isn't because it's a private issue, It's because I'm actually embarrassed to tell my friends. Always very feminine and traditionally very pretty and "passed" as straight through high school, and till the last year or so when she went full-on butch.
The thing that I'm most embarrassed about is not her, it's me and my embarrassment over it. Her mother and I are on the other side of the country from her (because of work) and it is easy to handle now.
I always talked a good game, supported gay rights for years, etc. But I think my worst nightmare would be to have her walk in and see all my friends after years and then I'd be .......uncomfortable, I guess.
Very confusing time for me. Always suspected it, not a shock. But I'm not announcing it either. She also has no idea I feel these things. My wife is much much better at this than me and i think she'd handle it as business as usual. I'd be sweating thru it.
I love her and want her to be happy. We talk a bit and we are fine as the relationship between all parties is. I'm just a bit ashamed over my "hiding" of this, and certainly me consciously planning to meet her "alone for dinner" as a visit instead of going to my friends parties and cookouts with her, or meeting the crowd at the local watering hole........ anyone else gone through this?
It isn't about my friends I know "if they were REALLY your friends.....etc etc" (they'd probably be cool with it actually). My parents are both passed away but after an hour or two with her, they'd have been fine with it (but might have felt the same apprehension regarding public acknolwedgement).
It really is "what will the neighbors say?" That's what shocks me about my thoughts about all this. That and she's an adult and I'm handling this like she's thirteen and got a nose ring and we're due at Grandma's for Thanksgiving dinner with the relatives in an hour.

Last edited by kpl1228; 10-02-2014 at 04:10 PM..
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Old 10-02-2014, 04:35 PM
 
Location: St. George, Utah
755 posts, read 833,457 times
Reputation: 1970
Fake it till you make it. I don't think you are horrible for feeling this way or thinking these thoughts, but act like you don't have them and eventually you won't, and you won't have any horrible, relationship-damaging moments to look back on or apologize for.

Fake it. It's a temporary worry, and you will see that it doesn't matter before long.

Let one of your "friends" call you stepdaughter a bull-dyke and see how fast your Papa Bear comes out.

Nothing has changed, after all. Except, presumably, a haircut.
See?
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Old 10-02-2014, 04:37 PM
 
43,012 posts, read 88,958,716 times
Reputation: 30256
This isn't something you call people announce any more than you'd call people to inform them she lost her virginity. You'll come to terms with it before you go back to visit and see your friends. Take her to your picnics and cookouts like you always did. There's no need to give people advance warning. If you truly accept it, the conversation doesn't even need to happen with other people because she's still your daughter, the same person she always was. If anyone comments or asks, just say, "Yeah, so?"

Last edited by Hopes; 10-02-2014 at 05:43 PM..
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Old 10-02-2014, 04:37 PM
 
12,913 posts, read 19,787,452 times
Reputation: 33915
Quote:
Originally Posted by Montanama View Post
Fake it till you make it. I don't think you are horrible for feeling this way or thinking these thoughts, but act like you don't have them and eventually you won't, and you won't have any horrible, relationship-damaging moments to look back on or apologize for.

Fake it. It's a temporary worry, and you will see that it doesn't matter before long.

Let one of your "friends" call you stepdaughter a bull-dyke and see how fast your Papa Bear comes out.

Nothing has changed, after all. Except, presumably, a haircut.
See?
I love this. And I agree, it's a period of adjustment that many parents would have to go through. No shame in that.

OP, there are lots of support groups for parents of gay children. You might want to check into one.
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Old 10-02-2014, 05:38 PM
 
Location: San Antonio, TX
10,860 posts, read 18,883,731 times
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It's great that your daughter is comfortable enough to tell you about this part of her life. Since she doesn't live near you, you've got some time to adjust to it before your friends see her. I'd guess if you act like she's still the same daughter that you've always been proud of (because she is still that same person), your friends will act like it's no big deal either. Sure, they may tell each other something about it when you're out of earshot, but pretty soon it will all blow over and be no big deal. There's that little bit of adjustment when you haven't seen someone in a long time and they've changed a lot, but pretty soon your mental picture of that person adjusts to their new reality.
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Old 10-02-2014, 07:30 PM
 
Location: Dunwoody,GA
1,861 posts, read 4,554,426 times
Reputation: 1932
Well, I say bless you for being honest about your discomfort. I think that most people love their kids, but something like this can come as a shock, no matter how liberal you may be. My best friend's brother is gay and pushing 40 now. He "came out" to his parents around 15 years ago. It is extremely sad to me to hear that his parents have still, to this day, told none of their friends that he is gay. They are going with the whole "confirmed bachelor" facade (despite him having lived with a partner for pushing 10 years now). Yes, we live in the South, and yes, they are conservative and religious, but it just pains me to hear of their shame. He is a delightful human being with a lovely partner. The fact that his parents feel that they have to keep this "secret" is just completely incomprehensible to me. I hope that you and she and spend some time together and talk through this. Don't let it affect the remaining years of your relationship with her.
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Old 10-02-2014, 07:32 PM
 
Location: Greater NYC
2,857 posts, read 4,694,079 times
Reputation: 3751
Quote:
Originally Posted by Montanama View Post
Fake it till you make it. I don't think you are horrible for feeling this way or thinking these thoughts, but act like you don't have them and eventually you won't, and you won't have any horrible, relationship-damaging moments to look back on or apologize for.

Fake it. It's a temporary worry, and you will see that it doesn't matter before long.

Let one of your "friends" call you stepdaughter a bull-dyke and see how fast your Papa Bear comes out.

Nothing has changed, after all. Except, presumably, a haircut.
See?
Yes, yes, the fake it til you make strategy is best. Before you know it, one day you'll realize you're not faking and it simply no longer embarrasses you. It's merely an adjustment period.

But make sure you're faking it WELL -- your stepdaughter and your family deserves nothing less.
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Old 10-02-2014, 08:16 PM
 
1,640 posts, read 3,179,301 times
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I think this is fairly normal, to be honest. It takes a person a long time to come to terms with their sexuality, and it can be just as hard for parents to come to terms with it as well. I agree with fake it till you make it, with time you will become more comfortable with the idea and it will seem normal to you. I do think it takes a lot to admit it makes you uncomfortable. I feel like a lot of people are supportive of gays & lesbians, as long as it's someone else's kids, kwim? It can be a bitter pill to swallow, because your dreams for your child have changed. Parents may worry about whether or not they will have grandchildren, if their child will face discrimination, etc. Eventually most parents accept it and move on.
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Old 10-03-2014, 07:59 AM
 
65 posts, read 130,492 times
Reputation: 121
If this is a confusing time for you, just imagine how your step-daughter is feeling. Even if she doesn't show it, I can almost guarantee she's struggling a little bit. The best thing you can do for her, is something you've already begun doing. You are hitting your feelings about it head on, and that is the first step toward total acceptance. I opened this thread, as a lesbian, expecting to feel my blood boil over your situation, but I really feel for you. I commend you for being honest about things and having the mindset to be a little embarrassed that you feel that way. I say, deal with your feelings and work through them on your own, and fake it outwardly until you do.

Also, I don't think you're necessarily hiding anything. I have an aunt who was very offended that I didn't personally call her up to announce that I had my first girlfriend (as another woman who "passes" for straight). This is not an aunt I'm particularly close to, and we have never had a phone conversation. My question to her was, did she expect me to personally call to say I have a new boyfriend? No. So this should be no different. Sure, everyone has their own feelings about my sexual status, but those are their issues, and they aren't my problem to deal with. So yes, people might talk. They might ask questions, and they might whisper behind closed doors. But so what? Let them, and just keep loving your daughter. Just from what you posted, I have a feeling you're all going to be fine. She's going to visit, your friends are going to see her, you'll wade through a few awkward moments, and later you'll look back and wonder what all the fuss was about.
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Old 10-03-2014, 09:36 AM
 
Location: The Netherlands
4,294 posts, read 2,880,122 times
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you care about what other people say over the happiness about your step daughter? I understand it is hard for parents but is there any other option other than accept as they are? Also possible that where you live is not that much accepted like where I live? I know it is always easy to say than done. I have daughter I know for sure it will hard for me too if she become so... but I am not worrying about neighbors or any one.
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