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Old 10-07-2014, 09:08 AM
 
Location: Wonderland
40,904 posts, read 32,658,014 times
Reputation: 57027

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Boston_Burbs View Post
If your kid blows their education because you are paying for it, the problems existed well before college. I am position I am in today because my parents paid for my college and (gasp) bought me a car at 16, which I still drive. I am in my late 20s, with a kid, house and a stay at home wife. Absolutely no way I could have done that with debt. Only debt I have is a 15 year mortgage which will be paid off at 40.
I agree with the part I've bolded, and I commend you on your success in life, especially the part about your wife being able to stay home with your child. What a gift!

I appreciate you telling your story, because it shows how everyone's situations are different.

Neither of my sons in law had college paid for by their parents. Both of them joined the military and earned their educations via that route and didn't accrue a penny of debt along the way.

My daughters are 32 and 30. They are both stay at home moms, and their husbands both have great jobs. Both families live very comfortably with minimal debt and I am proud to say that all seven of my grandchildren are being home schooled and raised by intelligent, well educated parents in safe, nurturing homes. The future for my daughters and their husbands and kids looks very bright - much like your situation.

So - we agree that good parenting begins long before a adult child goes off to college. I am very grateful to the families of both my sons in law, who raised exemplary young men with great work ethics and intelligent minds. Though their families didn't pay a penny for their continuing education, they knew what had to be done and they did it, and without taking out a single student loan.

Kudos to you - and kudos to all the other young adults out there who know the value of a dollar and who don't take their situations, or their parents, for granted. The success or failure of an adult definitely DOES NOT DEPEND ON WHETHER OR NOT THEIR PARENTS FOOT THE BILL FOR COLLEGE.
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Old 10-07-2014, 09:15 AM
 
Location: Round Rock, Texas
10,064 posts, read 9,309,886 times
Reputation: 13128
Quote:
Originally Posted by Momma_bear View Post
Do you think this is what is ideal for most young adults? I don't. I think it is great that you survived it and have been successful in obtaining your education. However, I can't understand why a parent with the means to help their children would choose this type of life for them. I do not understand the mindset of parents with means, who choose to make their children suffer to obtain an education.

I understand that there are parents without means. If parents can't help then they cant. Parents should not be expected to live in squalor to send an adult child to school.

I also understand that there are times when the parent-child relationship is toxic. In such cases it is often better for the child to just get away from the toxic relationship.

For other people I simply do not understand the idea that they day a child turns 18 or graduates from high school he is to be cut loose to fend for himself. I just don't understand it. I understand parents who say they think their child should have some skin in the game and pay for something. But I cannot understand parents who are able to help and simply choose to see their child struggle. It is just a foreign concept to me.
I don't know. When I was 18, I *wanted* to be liberated from parental support and fend for myself. Then again, I'm my mother's (and my grandmother's) daughter. We're extremely independent by nature. Having my parents foot the bill for everything would mean that I was still tethered to them in some way and that's not what I desired. I am eternally grateful for their contributions to my education, but they didn't have the ample means that the OP's parents had and I have zero problem with that. I took out student loans under MY name, applied for Pell Grants, had scholarships, AND worked two jobs. I would NEVER think to expect them to pay $50,000 or more for my education.

I'm with Girl. We'll save a certain amount for college educations and that's it. Whatever it is, that's what it is. It doesn't matter how much either of us make and we're not pulling funds out of our retirement or putting second liens on our home.
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Old 10-07-2014, 09:37 AM
 
8,541 posts, read 5,262,232 times
Reputation: 9100
My parents helped with college. They paid for some and I paid for some. They took out some loans and I took out some loans. I worked PT during the school year and full time during the summers. I feel like this was the perfect compromise. I had to take some responsibility but I still had help and support. I would like to do the same for my kids one day.
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Old 10-07-2014, 10:05 AM
 
Location: Palmer/Fishhook, Alaska
1,256 posts, read 874,524 times
Reputation: 1895
Quote:
Originally Posted by lkb0714 View Post
More people like you? I agree that what that person went through was admirable that he/she survived, but it sound as if you think this is an acceptable way for hardworking, students with ability to attend college. It is not. No one should have to go through sacrificing their health, wellbeing, etc. to get an education.
Sure it is. The willingness to sacrifice builds the character needed to achieve real success. Their situation sounded a lot like my own. Living a cush life at home under the parents' roof doesn't help build character, sorry. Most older generations get it because they were expected to help themselves. Coddling wasn't part of the status quo then. I RESPECT a person like that poster FAR MORE than a person whose cushy life was set out before them by their parents. How the hell can you gain any real wisdom in life if the concept of even the tiniest struggle in life is so objectionable? Talk about living in a bubble..

Quote:
And what exactly did this person learn from this experience that they wouldn't have learned working part time and spending those other 40 hours on their education?
Why don't you ask them.

Quote:
This is the problem with this topic it comes down to insane extremes, like this person working dangerously long hours and others portraying all college students as drunken party animals if they get any assistance at all.
Helping a kid out is one thing. Being EXPECTED to bankroll the kid well into their 20s while they're living at home to boot is beyond the pale. Somewhere along the line that kid has to flee the nest. Nowadays people are taking the maximum number of years possible to do just that.

I wonder what they're gonna be like in a few years.....uniquely naive will be my guess. Not sure this will bode well for society at large.

Quote:
Originally Posted by lkb0714 View Post
I am sorry that you had to do all of that. College should be affordable for everyone. That being said it is beyond admirable that you did all of that and survived to tell the tale so to speak.
I agree completely. It SHOULD be affordable. However the act of figuring out how to make college financially happen for you via working, scholarships, grants, or loans, or some combination of all of the above.... if college is indeed what you wish to strive for.... is in itself, a great wakeup call to reality. You learn how to figure things out on your own. I believe this is a valuable lesson for the young adult. It certainly was for me.

Last edited by rhiannon67; 10-07-2014 at 10:26 AM..
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Old 10-07-2014, 10:24 AM
 
8,711 posts, read 8,913,183 times
Reputation: 12186
Quote:
Originally Posted by stellastar2345 View Post
I read this article
Fewer parents helping to pay for college - Jun. 26, 2014

I don't know much about their sources or anything, but it's saying only 77% of parents plan to help their kids out with college.

Why have a kid if you don't want to (or have the means to) help the kid succeed?

Say what you like about college, but good luck moving anywhere without a college degree.

Even a masters degree is becoming a pre req for a lot of good jobs.

Why is it expected that parents pay for college? All we see on the news is that Millenials are struggling with student loans, but now it's expected that parents pay for college?


I went to college around 2000 and got my engineering degree. I had grants and scholarships but the rest of tuition was paid for 99% by myself. I may have gotten some help from my parents, but not all of it. My sister graduated top of her class in nursing from BC. She took out loans and paid the tuition herself.

Many classmates also have loans. Honestly, I don't know of a single person in my class who had their parents pay their tuition in full. If there was one, they were def in the minority. I kept in touch with a lot of classmates and comparing school loan payments was always something we chatted about.

Fortunately for myself, i paid off my loans. I have a child now and it's just amazing to see that now it's almost EXPECTED to pay for your kids college education where I just went through a period where it was pretty much the norn for the child to take out loans and pay for it themselves.

I will help my child, but I'd like for them to have some skin the game. One of the best lessons i've ever learned was to be independant and responsible for myself. I even bought my own car, in 1997, with my own money for $5K. What 16 year old do YOU know of manages to save $5000 today to buy a car? Not many. But my parents wanted me to learn responsibility and it paid off. I'm pretty successful today due to these early lessons. I hopefully can teach the same thing to my child.

I intend to help my kid out as best as I can to prepare him for this world...and bankrolling him into his 20's is NOT a good lesson.
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Old 10-07-2014, 10:39 AM
 
530 posts, read 959,101 times
Reputation: 1134
Honestly I don't know how parents are affording to send their kids to college these days. I used the college cost calculator for our largest state college, and the total came to $30,000 a year, including tuition, fees, books, and housing (we live too far to commute). There is no way we could afford to pay a total of $360,000 for college ($120,000 per child).

When I was growing up, most people in my upper middle class neighborhood attended a four year college. Now I am seeing the trend of more people trying to save money by starting at a community college, trying classes online or utilizing trade schools. We may be using one of those scenarios at least for our oldest dd. She won't have the grades to get an academic scholarship, and she doesn't play sports.

The long and short of it is that this is a stressful topic for today's parents, and the OP is living in la-la land. We started saving for college when our kids were young, but then life happened. Years of increasing medical bills, food budgets, housing costs etc. just took their toll. I could live very inexpensively before I had kids, but now it isn't easy at all. For example, my dd asked to restart her allergy shots, and I am debating it because of the cost. She also wants another round of braces since she probably will need a phase two. She just started high school, and we aren't ready for college now. We will be even less ready if we make decisions, like getting braces, that will take away money for the future.
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Old 10-07-2014, 10:46 AM
 
Location: South Carolina - The Palmetto State
954 posts, read 1,478,153 times
Reputation: 1043
Flawed premise - this whole thread is based on this tired notion that if you don't have a Master's/Doctorate that you condemned to be no more than a serf (and therefore, "worthless to society").

Almost as bad as the "you didn't go to the right college/ all state schools are horrible" threads.
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Old 10-07-2014, 11:24 AM
 
3,558 posts, read 4,139,617 times
Reputation: 3743
I would bet $ there is a solid correlation between whether or not a student pays for any of their own schooling, and whether or not they know how to do a load of laundry.

But, the parents who spoon feed their children until they are 22 sure are "getting them ready to succeed on their own"
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Old 10-07-2014, 11:41 AM
 
Location: Clown School
9,999 posts, read 4,220,822 times
Reputation: 11552
Quote:
Originally Posted by rhiannon67 View Post
We need ore young people like you. Well done! I bet you learned a LOT along the way.....lessons far more valuable than you ever would have learned living at home under the protection of your parents.
aw thanks haha. I definitely learned to budget....the energy drinks were categorized as necessities! I learned that I could physically and mentally handle more than I ever knew. I learned the hard way that trying to be too practical can actually end up being impractical. Being organized and juggling priorities was also something I had to get good at. etc


Quote:
Originally Posted by lkb0714 View Post
I am sorry that you had to do all of that. College should be affordable for everyone. That being said it is beyond admirable that you did all of that and survived to tell the tale so to speak.

I wonder though if that is something you plan for your own children to go through as well when they are of college age?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Momma_bear View Post
Do you think this is what is ideal for most young adults? I don't. I think it is great that you survived it and have been successful in obtaining your education. However, I can't understand why a parent with the means to help their children would choose this type of life for them. I do not understand the mindset of parents with means, who choose to make their children suffer to obtain an education.

I understand that there are parents without means. If parents can't help then they cant. Parents should not be expected to live in squalor to send an adult child to school.

I also understand that there are times when the parent-child relationship is toxic. In such cases it is often better for the child to just get away from the toxic relationship.

For other people I simply do not understand the idea that they day a child turns 18 or graduates from high school he is to be cut loose to fend for himself. I just don't understand it. I understand parents who say they think their child should have some skin in the game and pay for something. But I cannot understand parents who are able to help and simply choose to see their child struggle. It is just a foreign concept to me.
I was adamant about avoiding any debt. Loans were not an option, though I got a small amount of financial aid. It would've made life easier during college, but I absolutely hate being chained down in any way.

And that's a main reason I refused to let my parents pay for college. I had a really toxic relationship with my mother, and my father let it happen to the both of us. So the day after I graduated high school, while they were at work, I packed my stuff, hired a guy with a truck to pick me up, and left nothing but a goodbye note for them to come home to.

The first year at college was stressful because I had my mother harassing me to the point of nearly needing to file a restraining order. But then once I got her and her friends to back off, I felt deeply calm even among the chaos of juggling school and work, because now everything was my choice, and my way of being independent and building my own future.

And I would love for my future children to feel in-charge of their own destiny. I'd work with them so that they pay as much as they can with a reasonable work schedule or internship, and help them with the rest. I'd also encourage them to find roommates, too. Or maybe live alone if possible. I never got to do that, since I got married at 22 a few years ago.

But I don't want my future children to feel like they have to resort to going at it completely alone. I've made careful notes on how my mother alienated me, and also plan to take parenting classes. Also, if we're living somewhere else, they probably won't be attending college in one of the most expensive cities in the country !

And health would be a top priority. It was hard to ace a midterm when I was hallucinating bugs everywhere because I hadn't slept in 2 nights straight. @_@
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Old 10-07-2014, 12:33 PM
 
Location: ATL -> HOU
4,129 posts, read 3,221,864 times
Reputation: 3149
Quote:
Originally Posted by Boston_Burbs View Post
If your kid blows their education because you are paying for it, the problems existed well before college.
Completely agree with you. When I was young and growing up my parents made sure that I valued my education. If I didn't do well enough in school there would be consequences, when I did better, I was rewarded. I tried hard in high school and got around 25 credit hours worth of college done thanks to AP. I got to college and my parents didn't want me to work. They wanted me to focus on my education. They paid as much as they could for necessities and the rest got put on loans. According to some people in this thread that means I slacked off, got all Cs in an easy major and partied non stop which isn't the case at all. I didn't spend that extra time partying or watching Netflix, I spent that time studying. Some classmates would go off to work, come back and find me still in the lab working on something. I knew that if I messed up they wouldn't have a problem cutting off the money. But it didn't take me working during the semester for me to work hard at school. My parents taught me early to work hard. Don't enjoy all this physical labor? Get an education. Don't want to work in a fast food place? Get an education. It worked.

I get that for some people it takes that leap to learn. One of my cousins never grew up until he joined the Army. Another made it to college and failed out. They learned the hard way and now work hard with their job. That high school student that doesn't pay attention in class and is too busy with friends? Yeah they'll probably have a tough time adjusting to college and investing their own money might be what it takes. But if the only way to teach your child how to care for their future is to dump them off on their own as soon as they graduate, you missed a teaching opportunity along the way.


Quote:
Originally Posted by houstan-dan View Post
I would bet $ there is a solid correlation between whether or not a student pays for any of their own schooling, and whether or not they know how to do a load of laundry.

But, the parents who spoon feed their children until they are 22 sure are "getting them ready to succeed on their own"
Really? Laundry? Of all things I think that's the thing most college students know how to do on their own. Laundry room at my dorm was always busy. At my different apartments I often had to wait on someone to finish their load. Didn't matter how their college was paid for. The only way their parents were also doing their laundry was if they lived at home. A couple of my friends had everything paid for. Their college house had a top of the line washer and dryer. And they knew how to use it. They also cooked very well (that's probably less common in college students today) and had no problem cleaning the house. Just cause their parents were paying for everything didn't mean their parents also lived with them. And by the way, they'll graduate in May after 5 years with a bachelors and masters in accounting. They will be completely debt free and already have full time job offers with a top 4 accounting firm in the DFW area after doing a 2 month internship getting paid $25 an hour. Their older brother did the same thing a few years before and after 2 years had enough money for a 3 year old BMW 7 series. They'll be plenty successful and that's with them not working at all and having everything paid for.
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