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Old 10-05-2014, 09:54 PM
 
9,454 posts, read 15,015,271 times
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Ok, I'm just babbling away here....but I have two teens, ds ~18, dd 17.

DD will graduate this June. DS will graduate this summer, he needs some credit recovery.

We aren't in a position to help them as much as we'd like, but here's what I want for them. I spoke with DS and said pretend I'm packing you a bag with important things you will need if/when you go out in the world. Not to say we're kicking you out or we don't want you, just these are things I want to "pack" for you--

* A high school diploma. He's had a lot of trouble with school and we have him in some special credit recovery programs. I feel the school is doing everything they can to help him graduate, and he knows he doesn't have a chance without that diploma. So, that's the first item in his "kit"

*Job experience. Seems no one wants to hire you without experience. Well, he's on his way, he has a job at fast food, and has applied for a Christmas job doing overnight stocking at Macy's. Better than nothing on his first "important" job application

*Driver's license. Its not so easy to get without expense, etc. He's in a parent taught driver ed course. That DL is sooooooo important, for more than just driving!

*Social Security card. For obvious reasons

*A decent vehicle. We bought him a good used car from Craig's List and he is paying us back half. The rest is our gift to him to get launched. I've seen so many people unable to take jobs due to lack of transportation, its sad.

*A checking account. We got him a junior account on our account. When he got his first paycheck, he was so excited to cash it, then so crestfallen he'd have to pay ~ $15 just to cash it. That's what happens to those without credit to open a checking account. Sure, there's other ways to cash a check, but you're nickled and dimed to death with fees. Its outrageous!

*A credit card. He can't open one until he turns 18, but that's not too far off. Perhaps a secured card, something to build a credit history. We've found good credit is more important than money in the bank

*Last but not least, money in the bank! I advised him to save a percentage of his pay, don't blow it on nonsense. Try to have at least $500, preferably $1000, as a cushion against hard times, and for moving, if necessary.


There, that's what I can give them. Advice, which is sometimes better than cash. I tried to discuss the same with my DD, but she cuts me off and won't listen. She's worked for over a year and doesn't have one dime saved, she blows her money on eating out, manicures, yadda, yadda......

Ok, well, we all try our best with our children, but comes a time when they are adults and have to take on the world without us. We can only prepare them as best we can.


Oh, I forgot, the most important thing of all----your health. Without health, nothing else means a thing! DS told me last summer he smokes and would like to stop. I hesitated to approach a doctor, because it would be on his record forever! Instead, I helped him cut down, he kept a journal of how much he smoked and when. Turned out he was only smoking 4-6 cigarettes / day, which is better than 4-6 packs/day! We came up with ways to cut down, I bought him Nicorette gum, he said it helped. He does smoke an occasional cigarette, maybe one every 2-3 days, and he's trying to stop that. I'm really proud of him for his efforts! DD, oth, smokes and thinks we don't notice! She literally reeks of cigarette smoke, and I have no idea where she gets them, we don't smoke, never have, and never will.


Well, there, that's what I want to leave my children, sound good?
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Old 10-05-2014, 10:34 PM
 
12,913 posts, read 19,787,452 times
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The things you mention are useful, but you omitted the most important thing of all, which is a goal for the future and a plan to attain it.

Your son, who you said more than once in the education forum is currently in 10th grade, at 18. So, if he's in a credit recovery program, he's being pushed through the system due to his age. And if you're ok with him working overnight then you realize it. Nothing you have listed will secure his future if he doesn't have a good basic education at the very least. So, what's his plan?

You have also written several times that you looked forward to his turning 18 so you could indeed throw him out. If you're softening your stance, I'm glad. Somehow though, I think you believe if you can check off these boxes, you've done your job.
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Old 10-05-2014, 10:50 PM
 
43,012 posts, read 88,958,716 times
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I understand wanting children to achieve some very basic skills. For me, it was the driver's license. It made me crazy that my son didn't have one. He had a very good reason for never getting one. When he was 15, his friend was permanently paralyzed from the neck down while driving home one night as a new driver. But my parents died young and I just didn't feel I'd done my job as a parent if he didn't have a license before I died. He FINALLY got one at 22! I felt a huge relief, like I'd finally accomplished my last remaining parenting goal.
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Old 10-05-2014, 11:41 PM
 
9,454 posts, read 15,015,271 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mattie View Post
The things you mention are useful, but you omitted the most important thing of all, which is a goal for the future and a plan to attain it.

Your son, who you said more than once in the education forum is currently in 10th grade, at 18. So, if he's in a credit recovery program, he's being pushed through the system due to his age. And if you're ok with him working overnight then you realize it. Nothing you have listed will secure his future if he doesn't have a good basic education at the very least. So, what's his plan?

You have also written several times that you looked forward to his turning 18 so you could indeed throw him out. If you're softening your stance, I'm glad. Somehow though, I think you believe if you can check off these boxes, you've done your job.
I can't define a goal for him. That's up to him. All I can do is help him with the tools he will need to basically launch himself.
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Old 10-06-2014, 11:37 AM
 
9,666 posts, read 7,638,989 times
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Are your children considering post-high school education or job training of some kind? Have they scheduled meetings with their high school guidance counselor(s) to discuss their options?

In addition to providing the excellent tools you've listed, you might consider taking your children to the nearest college campus for a visit, or a visit to the local vocational school. Their goals are up to them - but you can help provide them with information about pathways towards achieving those goals.

Most colleges provide free tours and orientation sessions (by appointment) to visiting potential students. Your children may not be aware of what's out there, so help them find out.
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Old 10-06-2014, 12:29 PM
 
9,454 posts, read 15,015,271 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CraigCreek View Post
Are your children considering post-high school education or job training of some kind? Have they scheduled meetings with their high school guidance counselor(s) to discuss their options?

In addition to providing the excellent tools you've listed, you might consider taking your children to the nearest college campus for a visit, or a visit to the local vocational school. Their goals are up to them - but you can help provide them with information about pathways towards achieving those goals.

Most colleges provide free tours and orientation sessions (by appointment) to visiting potential students. Your children may not be aware of what's out there, so help them find out.

Thanks, but we've already done all that. Its a long story, we truly hope each one pursues college or some sort of trade school. Both my dh and I have Master's Degrees, so we do value education. Its just that, for a lot of reasons I don't wish to post, pursuing post-secondary education won't be an option as soon as they graduate. We hope they continue at a nearby community college, at least get some of the basics out of the way, and keep in the habit of studying.

It wasn't my intent to discuss my childrens' entire future, just some ideas many overlook or wait until the last minute. Of course, they won't get far with just the items I've listed, but they won't get anywhere without them.
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Old 10-06-2014, 01:03 PM
 
4,743 posts, read 3,575,539 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MaryleeII View Post
* A high school diploma. He's had a lot of trouble with school and we have him in some special credit recovery programs. I feel the school is doing everything they can to help him graduate, and he knows he doesn't have a chance without that diploma. So, that's the first item in his "kit"
These days you may need one of these to work at Starbucks. I would drop it from the list. Its the college diploma you need.



Quote:
Originally Posted by MaryleeII View Post
*Job experience. Seems no one wants to hire you without experience. Well, he's on his way, he has a job at fast food, and has applied for a Christmas job doing overnight stocking at Macy's. Better than nothing on his first "important" job application
Change to College internship. The internship you secure in college is VERY important and will help guarantee a job upon graduation. No one has ever cared I worked at Mr Gattis, Babbage software, or pizza hut.


Quote:
Originally Posted by MaryleeII View Post
*Driver's license. Its not so easy to get without expense, etc. He's in a parent taught driver ed course. That DL is sooooooo important, for more than just driving!

*Social Security card. For obvious reasons
yeah you need a driver license in your pocket, not your kit.

And the SSN card. . i've never used it. . I think the passport (use the SSN to get that) is far more secure way to prove US citizenship. SSN is too risky if lost.




Quote:
Originally Posted by MaryleeII View Post
*A decent vehicle. We bought him a good used car from Craig's List and he is paying us back half. The rest is our gift to him to get launched. I've seen so many people unable to take jobs due to lack of transportation, its sad.
Depends on city.


Quote:
Originally Posted by MaryleeII View Post
*A checking account. We got him a junior account on our account. When he got his first paycheck, he was so excited to cash it, then so crestfallen he'd have to pay ~ $15 just to cash it. That's what happens to those without credit to open a checking account. Sure, there's other ways to cash a check, but you're nickled and dimed to death with fees. Its outrageous!
Direct Deposit or places like USAA, Etrade, ALLy bank (online banks) without the fees.



Quote:
Originally Posted by MaryleeII View Post
*A credit card. He can't open one until he turns 18, but that's not too far off. Perhaps a secured card, something to build a credit history. We've found good credit is more important than money in the bank
- bills in his name (such as cell phones), open bank accounts, all build credit history.


Quote:
Originally Posted by MaryleeII View Post
*Last but not least, money in the bank! I advised him to save a percentage of his pay, don't blow it on nonsense. Try to have at least $500, preferably $1000, as a cushion against hard times, and for moving, if necessary.
yeah, 1 month isn't enough. Most advise 3-6 months depending on profession time to rehire.

Plus that isn't last

401k - always do the company match. Earlier you save for retirement, the better.
health insurance - working in a kitchen, slice your hand, its 30k. You can't take the risk
- if HSA


Quote:
Originally Posted by MaryleeII View Post
DS told me last summer he smokes and would like to stop. I hesitated to approach a doctor, because it would be on his record forever! Instead, I helped him cut down, he kept a journal of how much he smoked and when. Turned out he was only smoking 4-6 cigarettes / day, which is better than 4-6 packs/day! We came up with ways to cut down, I bought him Nicorette gum, he said it helped. He does smoke an occasional cigarette, maybe one every 2-3 days, and he's trying to stop that. I'm really proud of him for his efforts! DD, oth, smokes and thinks we don't notice! She literally reeks of cigarette smoke, and I have no idea where she gets them, we don't smoke, never have, and never will.

Well, there, that's what I want to leave my children, sound good?

Visiting the doctor isn't something to avoid. There is laws that require insurance to exist pre existing conditions. Always go for your annual physical, get your health shots

and stop smoking. seriously. More and more employers are - in states that allow it either won't hire smokers OR significantly increase your insurance. I see this (as a health insurance employee) to continue to make life hard for smokers. Quit. Or it will cost you more than your life.
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Old 10-06-2014, 01:49 PM
 
9,454 posts, read 15,015,271 times
Reputation: 15409
Quote:
Originally Posted by ChrisFromChicago View Post
These days you may need one of these to work at Starbucks. I would drop it from the list. Its the college diploma you need.





Change to College internship. The internship you secure in college is VERY important and will help guarantee a job upon graduation. No one has ever cared I worked at Mr Gattis, Babbage software, or pizza hut.




yeah you need a driver license in your pocket, not your kit.

And the SSN card. . i've never used it. . I think the passport (use the SSN to get that) is far more secure way to prove US citizenship. SSN is too risky if lost.





Depends on city.




Direct Deposit or places like USAA, Etrade, ALLy bank (online banks) without the fees.




- bills in his name (such as cell phones), open bank accounts, all build credit history.




yeah, 1 month isn't enough. Most advise 3-6 months depending on profession time to rehire.

Plus that isn't last

401k - always do the company match. Earlier you save for retirement, the better.
health insurance - working in a kitchen, slice your hand, its 30k. You can't take the risk
- if HSA





Visiting the doctor isn't something to avoid. There is laws that require insurance to exist pre existing conditions. Always go for your annual physical, get your health shots

and stop smoking. seriously. More and more employers are - in states that allow it either won't hire smokers OR significantly increase your insurance. I see this (as a health insurance employee) to continue to make life hard for smokers. Quit. Or it will cost you more than your life.



Hey, look, I don's smoke, never have, neither does my dh. And its NOT about previous existing health conditions, really, I know more than you give me credit for. Its once smoking is in your record, it follows you forever, even if you've quit. It can make health insurance more expensive, life insurance more expensive, geez, you're acting like we're some sort of white trash that doesn't know the basics. We know what we're doing, you don't know WTH you're talking about! Its important to have him quit, that much I know, but what you don't seem to realize is, its important not to leave a trail behind you in the form of medical documentation, etc. I said he's quitting, in 3 months time he's decreased his smoking about 90%, so, going to a doctor wouldn't have any faster results and would mark him for future health insurance. Even Obamacare has different levels for smokers vs non-smokers.

You don't know our whole story, stop acting like you do---unless you want to spend your time searching for my previous posts to find something to attack me with.
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Old 10-06-2014, 02:03 PM
 
12,913 posts, read 19,787,452 times
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Obamacare has a surcharge for current smokers. It doesn't ask if you ever smoked, merely if you "do".

But, I see the real Marylee is back. And, she doesn't really care if her kids are prepared for life going forward. She's done her part.

I hope I'm wrong Marylee, and you will not close the door on your kids. I know they've put you through the wringer, but neither one sounds remotely ready to be on their own.

Last edited by Mattie; 10-06-2014 at 02:13 PM..
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Old 10-06-2014, 02:12 PM
 
Location: southwestern PA
20,426 posts, read 35,707,564 times
Reputation: 38829
Quote:
Originally Posted by MaryleeII View Post

You don't know our whole story, stop acting like you do

:::sigh:::

And here we go again!

Yes, no one here is a mind reader... we only know what YOU tell us about your "whole story". So don't get mad when people don't know what you don't tell them.

And, if you don't want people to make comments, don't make the post. YOU choose to open up the conversation, then you get mad when it does not go as you would see fit.
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