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Old 10-07-2014, 05:06 PM
 
Location: Wonderland
41,152 posts, read 32,829,251 times
Reputation: 57370

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Quote:
Originally Posted by denverian View Post
Boys do tend to beat the heck out of the house though lol! All our baseboards need a re-paint!
You're not kidding.

And there was about a five year span where EVERY SINGLE SPRING we had to take one or both boys to the ER to have something stitched up or x rayed or set. We called it "spring fever." It was like warm weather hit, and they went completely crazy outside.
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Old 10-07-2014, 05:15 PM
 
11,572 posts, read 5,541,332 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by planning View Post
It's usually your own fault.

You want to stack the incentives for them to be truthful with you so there is no need for them to be sneaky.

With us, if they get caught doing something they did not ask us about or that they lied about, their punishment is 3 times as worse as if they just tell us in the first place.
Ummm, really? You NEVER told a lie when you were a teen?

We most certainly taught her why it's important to be honest---and there were consequences when she was caught in a lie.

One thing I learned about teens is that despite all that they have been taught, they still get sneaky sometimes. And many times, despite your best efforts, you don't find out about it.
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Old 10-07-2014, 08:06 PM
 
Location: Columbus, OH
575 posts, read 940,074 times
Reputation: 674
I responded to a post like this not too long ago. I'm not very old, in my mid-20s. So I remember my teenage years well. I wasn't an awful teen. I never did the sex, drugs, and partying thing (until college haha). I rarely ever lied to my parents and if I did, it wasn't usually anything major. I just had a crappy attitude and the typical I know everything So I'll tell you a few things that worked for my parents with my siblings and the foster children they cared for:

I was never just handed money as a teen, I always had to do something extra on top of my regular chores to earn it - such as washing the car or cleaning the yard. My siblings and I always had chores and we were never paid for the chores because our parents said that since they put a roof over our heads and feed us, it's part of our responsibility to help with the chores. You don't get paid for responsibilities. Once I had a job (at 16) though, my parents NEVER gave me money. They would let me borrow $20 or something for a few days until I got paid but they fully expected their money back on pay day. I always paid them back.

We were also grounded for an entire grading period if we brought home anything lower than a C-. This meant you were grounded for an entire 9 weeks... But you got $10 per A on your report card (even gym!).

Our parents bought our first car. However, car insurance and anything else was entirely on us. If we couldn't afford car insurance, we didn't drive. If we did something to our car and couldn't fix it, we didn't drive. Our parents would give us rides to work if needed - but we had to give them gas money.

I think a huge contributing factor is that we always ate dinner as a family and had family discussions about how everyone was and what was going on with them as well. We'd get home from school and my Mom would be in the kitchen putting the finishing touches on dinner.

What I'm getting at is that my parents never handed out anything. Maybe they didn't because they couldn't (I'm the second oldest of 7). Either way, it taught me to be responsible and I never expected a hand out. I knew if I faced any real trouble, my parents would be there for me. But if I financially screwed myself because I decided new shoes were more important than my car insurance, I had to face the consequences of that.
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Old 10-07-2014, 09:04 PM
 
11,616 posts, read 19,752,606 times
Reputation: 12056
Quote:
Originally Posted by KathrynAragon View Post
You're not kidding.

And there was about a five year span where EVERY SINGLE SPRING we had to take one or both boys to the ER to have something stitched up or x rayed or set. We called it "spring fever." It was like warm weather hit, and they went completely crazy outside.
They have my picture in the computer at the local ER!
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Old 10-07-2014, 09:37 PM
 
Location: Wonderland
41,152 posts, read 32,829,251 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Momma_bear View Post
They have my picture in the computer at the local ER!
LOL I feel your pain.
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Old 10-07-2014, 10:11 PM
 
1,252 posts, read 1,330,144 times
Reputation: 3317
Quote:
Originally Posted by randomparent View Post
That's just not true. I've had my rough moments as a parent, but I really like my kids. I think they're great people. Sure, they sometimes snap at their father and me, but I'm guilty of the same. It's part of being human. Isn't there anyone else here who enjoys their teens?
Yes, I enjoy my teens! They are fabulous people. When they were little, it was all about setting the stage for when they would become teenagers. They knew I was in charge, but with all the expectations came a lot of love. And consistency! That's huge. I meant what I said and I learned NOT to say things I didn't mean. They had to know my word could be counted on and I worked very hard on that.

Now that they are teens, I can pull back a bit. They know what we expect from them and instead of constantly laying down the law we can enjoy each other and the time we have left before they leave home. They know I plan to start another career when they are gone and that I have sacrificed these years to raise them. I would never pretend there haven't been rough days getting here, but I absolutely have loving, respectful teenagers (16 & 17) and yes, it is so possible.

To the OP, I would guess your negative attitude is really obvious to your daughter and her behavior in part, is a reaction to that. You can improve your relationship, but it is going to have to start with you.
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Old 10-07-2014, 11:22 PM
 
Location: Wonderland
41,152 posts, read 32,829,251 times
Reputation: 57370
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cdarocks View Post
Yes, I enjoy my teens! They are fabulous people. When they were little, it was all about setting the stage for when they would become teenagers. They knew I was in charge, but with all the expectations came a lot of love. And consistency! That's huge. I meant what I said and I learned NOT to say things I didn't mean. They had to know my word could be counted on and I worked very hard on that.

Now that they are teens, I can pull back a bit. They know what we expect from them and instead of constantly laying down the law we can enjoy each other and the time we have left before they leave home. They know I plan to start another career when they are gone and that I have sacrificed these years to raise them. I would never pretend there haven't been rough days getting here, but I absolutely have loving, respectful teenagers (16 & 17) and yes, it is so possible.

To the OP, I would guess your negative attitude is really obvious to your daughter and her behavior in part, is a reaction to that. You can improve your relationship, but it is going to have to start with you.
You yourself admit "I would never pretend there haven't been rough days getting here," and your kids are now 16 and 17. I get the feeling that the OP is venting - and to me, it's OK to say, "Wow, I can't stand the attitude of my 15 year old daughter!" LOTS of good parents can't stand the attitudes of their 15 year old daughters!

When my kids were teens, there would be days when I would have said, "I enjoy my teens!" Then there would be days when, like the OP, I would have said, "I cannot stand the smirk on that child's face a minute longer!" Both emotions are normal - and in fact, both can occur within minutes of each other when dealing with a moody teenager.

I think it's important for parents to know that no matter how consistent they are, how loving, how supportive, etc - with teens, sulky and smart alecky and even deceptive and ornery behavior all falls well within the range of "normal and predictable." I wouldn't be so quick to assume that negative behaviors from adolescents are necessarily the fault of the parents, or the natural outcome of negative parental behaviors. Many good parents are very unpleasantly surprised when their little darlings suddenly get a massive dose of hormones and peer pressure simultaneously and suddenly sprout little red horns out of the tops of their heads.

It's good to be introspective about our parenting and to constantly try to improve, but it's also good to be able to vent AWAY from the kids in question, and to be able to put things into perspective. Adolescence is a notoriously trying time for many parents, so there's nothing too surprising or guilt inducing about that development in and of itself. As parents, it's not our responsibility to accept blame for adolescent hormones or temperamental mood swings - our responsibility lies within how we respond to those very common challenges.
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Old 10-07-2014, 11:46 PM
 
Location: Tucson/Nogales
16,504 posts, read 20,061,098 times
Reputation: 22485
No babysitting jobs in the neighborhood?

I babysat from age 12 to age 16, when I got my first real job. Nice cash income, no income taxes. If I wanted spending money, being from a low income family, I had no choice!

I regretted, many a Saturday or Friday night, when I was babysitting, and my more affluent friends were out having a good time!

And nowadays, with our aging population, there could be some caregiver relief jobs in the neighborhood as well!
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Old 10-08-2014, 12:27 AM
 
3 posts, read 2,895 times
Reputation: 38
Quote:
Originally Posted by ashpelham View Post
She will be 15 on Halloween.

Yeah, I know I'm pretty much the darkest-hearted human that has ever walked earth. I mean, I'm just to the right of Attilla the Hun.

I just sick of the puffed up, huffy attitude. Her mom and I were attending her band events at high school, until the last time we came, and she wouldn't even make eye contact with us. WTF-ever. So...I'm like, she can figure it out on her own.
Bless a parent's heart because I can only imagine how discouraging this situation can be. Folks, it's human nature that the little joys we love so much turns out to be the adolescent hellion that our nightmares don't dare feature. As human beings heck yes you'll (well those of us who actually have feelings) internalize it. Just like everything in life, we know every day's not going to be a blast or provide those warm & fuzzy moments (we see in TV commercials), so we are left disappointed & discouraged. And good grief, they're just verbally expressing disappointment at the daughter's sour & disrespectful attitude, which is healthy. Some of the crude comments on here are as if some of you are sitting on a throne passing judgment along with comments to make yourselves feel like you may be such the better parent to have kept it together & how you've managed to keep it together (even after a Saint required a time-out to cope) .

Just like the crappy days at work or happenings in life, this too shall pass. You should focus on problem solving through this & look at the bright side of things (harder when you're in the trenches)...that one day you will look forward to sharing with her how patient and loving you were during her less than darling episodes & all without the need for a sedative of any kind. Plus, to help you could gently let her know you're not the Bank of Mom & Dad (Bank of M&D - as my Dad nicely explained to me) & that learning a little responsibility may help her though this clearly challenging period by finding employment. So when she does go to the ATM she may (not guaranteed, we're talking about a teenager here) have a greater respect for the difference between the Bank of M&D and Little Miss will work for what she wants and be too preoccupied with that to be a nasty disrespectful brat. That's just how entitlement starts coming across after a period of time. Your role will simply be considered as redirecting her negative energy.

Additionally, she'll get an educational opportunity out of this too...though it will take a few years for that realization & you may never get thanked for it. Needless to say it's quite disrespectful to not speak w/ your parents at all unless & avoid being in the same room as them unless they've done something ungodly to you...so what did you forget to pay the mortgage thereby threatening the comfortable roof over her head, cut off the cable bundle or disable wifi?! We only realize these very important lessons our parents teach us when we look back and that light bulb goes on in our head. However, right now the light is totally off - think darkness. In the meantime, please continue to attend her games and such as these moments of your being a good parent are even more important for you than her (remember she's clueless now - lights will remain out for the next few years, but stay the course). You could find a light moment when she's not in the pissy mood (focus as these times will be rare, so you must move swiftly when they present themselves) and ask if she'd like to head out for a bite to eat with you. The point being is you want her to engage with you, not end up sitting across from you making you feel as if they're doing you a favor with their presence therefore, dialogue or interaction's not necessary. You need to patiently wait for that moment...then pounce!! Stay strong & keep in mind that you ARE the prudent one in this relationship then analyze, problem solve & remember that this is short term & above all you'll get through it. Peace be with you!!

Last edited by Princess1013; 10-08-2014 at 01:57 AM.. Reason: Inproper context
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Old 10-08-2014, 03:36 AM
 
130 posts, read 98,822 times
Reputation: 68
Quote:
Originally Posted by KathrynAragon View Post
I haven't read the whole thread, so I'm probably repeating a lot of what has already been said, but here goes.

OP, teenage girls are of the devil - especially between the ages of 13 and 15. OF THE DEVIL. When my girls were in that age range (they're 20 months apart), I caught myself thinking, "That whole Lord of the Flies idea, with kids being trapped on a deserted island together...it's not such a bad idea. Where can I send these two horrible creatures for a few years?"

But I practiced tough love from them. I made my expectations clear, and I made sure they knew I loved them even when they also knew I was about to lower the boom on them. Sometimes I had to tell myself, "OK, God must have known that I could handle these two, because I believe He promises not to give us anything we can't handle, so God - help a sister out down here!"

Now they are 30 and 32 and they are wives and mothers themselves - and I couldn't be prouder of both of them. Not only do they get along great now, and they are fabulous mothers to my grandkids - they really seem to appreciate me. They both have told me on various occasions, "Wow, I was a real brat sometimes," and I tell them, "Yep, and so was I when I was that age. And your girls will be too! But hang in there - it's worth it."


Why did you think they were so terrible between 13-15?
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