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Old 10-08-2014, 02:41 AM
 
130 posts, read 98,613 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by randomparent View Post
I don't feel that way either, and I'm also very grateful. My kids often ask for more than I feel comfortable giving them. My stock answer is, "That's just not possible at the moment. Can I help you figure out how to earn the money yourself?" And, yes, they sometimes fuss & fume, but I calmly re-state the above until they get the message.


I think you should be honest with your kids that you just don't think you should spend X money on Y product.

Saying "that's just not possible at the moment" when it's not financially true can damage your relationship long-term when your adult kids realize that it was possible when they were younger and you just didn't want to.
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Old 10-08-2014, 04:32 AM
 
19,237 posts, read 11,137,433 times
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Each child is different and the comments in here prove it, as all of you were kids, well maybe not all. Kids and parents relationships are either good or terrible- some you make, some you break and some just wither at your hand. Be accountable as a parent. Selfishness is to me the worst part of bad parenting, its no longer about you babe! Invest not just money but love and TIME in the kid, Each kid needs something different, but money and things is just a "filler" - and kids that are ignored get angry and stay that way... they have MUCH higher expectations of you than you of them! lead by example.
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Old 10-08-2014, 04:40 AM
 
Location: The analog world
15,565 posts, read 8,734,436 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by planning View Post
I think you should be honest with your kids that you just don't think you should spend X money on Y product.

Saying "that's just not possible at the moment" when it's not financially true can damage your relationship long-term when your adult kids realize that it was possible when they were younger and you just didn't want to.
My kids have everything they need and much of what they want. To the extent that it is reasonable, they are aware of our family finances and priorities. If I choose to say, "Sorry, that's just not possible. May I help you figure out an alternative?" I think it empowers them to stand on their own two feet. Are they always content to hear it? No, of course not, but I'm not worried that any of them will look back on an occasional "No" and think the worst of their father and me. Believe me, they are well taken care of, and they know it.

By the way, if anybody is on-line at the moment in the western U.S., the blood moon is in its full glory right now.

Last edited by randomparent; 10-08-2014 at 04:50 AM..
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Old 10-08-2014, 05:09 AM
 
Location: Tucson for awhile longer
8,874 posts, read 12,914,194 times
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I'm far from being young, yet I can actually remember believing my parents were the most embarrassing, idiotic, and above-all unsophisticated people I could ever possibly meet. I did anything I could think of to avoid being seen with them. Among those things I did was get a job and earn money to buy things I wanted that they didn't see any point to. That solved a lot of problems and I eventually got over myself.
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Old 10-08-2014, 07:04 AM
 
Location: Wonderland
40,885 posts, read 32,642,286 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by planning View Post
Why did you think they were so terrible between 13-15?
Probably mostly due to raging hormones and the typical and very normal stresses of transitioning from dependent child to independent adult.
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Old 10-08-2014, 08:56 AM
 
1,229 posts, read 1,321,209 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by KathrynAragon View Post
You yourself admit "I would never pretend there haven't been rough days getting here," and your kids are now 16 and 17. I get the feeling that the OP is venting - and to me, it's OK to say, "Wow, I can't stand the attitude of my 15 year old daughter!" LOTS of good parents can't stand the attitudes of their 15 year old daughters!

When my kids were teens, there would be days when I would have said, "I enjoy my teens!" Then there would be days when, like the OP, I would have said, "I cannot stand the smirk on that child's face a minute longer!" Both emotions are normal - and in fact, both can occur within minutes of each other when dealing with a moody teenager.

I think it's important for parents to know that no matter how consistent they are, how loving, how supportive, etc - with teens, sulky and smart alecky and even deceptive and ornery behavior all falls well within the range of "normal and predictable." I wouldn't be so quick to assume that negative behaviors from adolescents are necessarily the fault of the parents, or the natural outcome of negative parental behaviors. Many good parents are very unpleasantly surprised when their little darlings suddenly get a massive dose of hormones and peer pressure simultaneously and suddenly sprout little red horns out of the tops of their heads.

It's good to be introspective about our parenting and to constantly try to improve, but it's also good to be able to vent AWAY from the kids in question, and to be able to put things into perspective. Adolescence is a notoriously trying time for many parents, so there's nothing too surprising or guilt inducing about that development in and of itself. As parents, it's not our responsibility to accept blame for adolescent hormones or temperamental mood swings - our responsibility lies within how we respond to those very common challenges.
I agree with you, Katharyn. The purpose of my post was to first of all offer hope that you can have a good relationship with your teens. Second, when teens get difficult I see various responses from parents...and one of those responses is to disengage entirely, which is what the OP sounds like to me. I hope I am wrong, but if that is the case the relationship will not improve. I hope its just venting and nothing more.
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Old 10-08-2014, 09:03 AM
 
33,134 posts, read 39,067,107 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ashpelham View Post
I hate to be the debbie downer of the day, but my teenage daughter, whom we love so much, simply doesn't bring me the joy I used to have from her.

I guess it's the attitude we get from this child, but all i see her as anymore is a money drain. The only time she speaks to us is when she needs something. Won't even sit in the room with us.

I told my wife this morning that i just don't see her as anything but a financial liability now.

My attitude sucks too, it seems.
Probably just a phase she's going through, just roll with it for now later in her journey to maturity she will come to love her Mom and Dad again.
I got 2 daughters at the moment going through similar phases of life,i'm not giving them a hard time about it just constant fatherly love,they'll come around sooner or later, i also remember my own teenage years where i was very rebellious toward my parents, to the point that Dad ultimately threw me out of the house/nest, now later in life my Mom and Dad are the greatest people in the world
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Old 10-08-2014, 09:15 AM
 
Location: Wonderland
40,885 posts, read 32,642,286 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Cdarocks View Post
I agree with you, Katharyn. The purpose of my post was to first of all offer hope that you can have a good relationship with your teens. Second, when teens get difficult I see various responses from parents...and one of those responses is to disengage entirely, which is what the OP sounds like to me. I hope I am wrong, but if that is the case the relationship will not improve. I hope its just venting and nothing more.
Well, you're totally right about the disengaging. Even if it is tempting sometimes! Not a good idea, though...not ever. Not with a teen.
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Old 10-08-2014, 01:01 PM
 
Location: Near Nashville TN
7,201 posts, read 11,323,049 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ashpelham View Post
....... It's a 10 year old car, long since paid for, at a time when our finances WEREN'T being sucked out by a high schooler. But again, I know you aren't assuming anything, and i'm just being paranoid, since you asked about it. but thanks for noticing.
What is she doing with all this money she's asking you for? Where is it all going? Clothes? Beauty parlors? Jewelry? Are you talking large amounts of money weekly, or just a few bucks here and there? At 15 she should be able to find job baby sitting or dog walking, something. At 14 I got a job with a local veterinarian and worked a few hours after school a few days a week. My parents still bought my clothes but I paid for all the extras kids these days feel parents should pay for. Things they feel "entitled" to. I paid for a phone in my bedroom, my better quality RCA hifi setup and my 45 rmp records. My junk jewelry and perfumes, a nice collar for my dog,... all those extras some kids hit their parents up for. It taught me the value of a dollar.


I worked from then on.....

Last edited by =^..^=; 10-08-2014 at 01:13 PM..
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Old 10-08-2014, 01:38 PM
 
Location: Near Nashville TN
7,201 posts, read 11,323,049 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mortpes View Post
The typical American child of today is of course only a money drain. The government states that and our culture verifies that. A parent simply has no chance of any influence over the school, social, media, etc. influences of today.
But the parent can say "NO" to a demanding youngster. One who demands money for $80 designer jeans and $90 sneakers or a new iPod because it's the latest and greatest. There is nothing positive about handing over the cash every time a teenager wants something. As a greatgrandmother I haven't seen this kind of spoiling (as we called it) make teenagers better adults down the road, or make them love their parents more. And all generations including mine had these teens and parents who spoiled them.

Don't kill the messenger: I remember reading somewhere that children were an asset when this was a agrarian society. They earned their keep and were not just loved but NEEDED on the farms. They were also NEEDED as old age security. They didn't feel their parents owed them everything their hearts desired. They added financially to the household income. When parents grew old and feeble, they were cared for. But today's urban children, still loved, are no longer NEEDED and have become a liability. Instead of adding to the family welfare and financial security, they take away from it with endless demands for one thing or another. They expect parents to buy them what they want but it doesn't make them love or respect the parents more. And we now have SS for our old age so most grown children feel little responsibility toward aged parents. It doesn't matter how much we spent on them as teenagers. How much they drained us financially. They put us in Nursing Homes and go about their lives. (Not the exact words but as close as I remember them).
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