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Old 10-06-2014, 10:39 AM
 
704 posts, read 989,914 times
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Does anyone in this house communicate? From your attitude no wonder she doesn't talk to you. Does your family eat dinner together? Do you know her friends? Have you discussed how you feel about being a money pit? What does mom say about all of this? I'm sure your daughter has an attitude but what about you?
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Old 10-06-2014, 10:40 AM
 
13,009 posts, read 12,440,016 times
Reputation: 37270
Has it occurred to you that she may have a crap attitude because YOU have a crap attitude? You sound really entitled, and I suspect you've passed that attitude on to your kid.

Kids ARE a financial drain. They ARE a source of stress. They ARE NOT all sunshine and giggles. Growing up is a painful and scary process, and when the person who's supposed to be a source of love and support decides that you're not worth the emotional investment... well, what's a kid supposed to do?

You act like you're just being edgy and honest by admitting this, but it just makes you look foolish. What did you expect? Having a kid isn't all about you and your emotional fulfillment - it's about making sure your child has the support, structure and encouragement to grow up into a functional and independent adult who is capable of pursuing a happy life. That requires putting in effort when you really don't feel like it and having enough faith in your kid and the upbringing you provided her to understand that there will be rough spots and you will get through them together. Not to write her off because she's not expressing the affection and gratitude you feel is your due.

You can be mad at your kid from time to time. You can be disappointed in her from time to time. But writing her off emotionally as a mere financial liability because she's going through a moody/bratty phase at FIFTEEN (and not, you know, using drugs, knocked up, running away, failing every class, etc. - stuff I've seen in 15-year-olds before) makes you look like the TRUE immature brat.

This is the time you should be reaching out to your daughter and spending time with her even when her attitude sucks. I was constantly embarrassed by my parents at 15 - I didn't want to spend time with them at all. I was going through a terrible time at school and feeling awkward and ugly and depressed and unhappy. I lashed out a lot. But my parents - for all their glaring flaws - did not give up on me or withdraw their emotional investment in me.

It's not about you. Grow up so you can help your kid do the same.
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Old 10-06-2014, 10:46 AM
 
Location: SLC, UT
1,571 posts, read 2,153,006 times
Reputation: 3833
Quote:
Originally Posted by ashpelham View Post
She will be 15 on Halloween.

Yeah, I know I'm pretty much the darkest-hearted human that has ever walked earth. I mean, I'm just to the right of Attilla the Hun.

I just sick of the puffed up, huffy attitude. Her mom and I were attending her band events at high school, until the last time we came, and she wouldn't even make eye contact with us. WTF-ever. So...I'm like, she can figure it out on her own.
LOL - you sound like a teenager yourself.
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Old 10-06-2014, 10:50 AM
 
235 posts, read 226,841 times
Reputation: 845
That's just how teenagers are. Stop giving her money until she starts working for it.
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Old 10-06-2014, 10:53 AM
 
33,035 posts, read 12,497,258 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ashpelham View Post
I hate to be the debbie downer of the day, but my teenage daughter, whom we love so much, simply doesn't bring me the joy I used to have from her.

I guess it's the attitude we get from this child, but all i see her as anymore is a money drain. The only time she speaks to us is when she needs something. Won't even sit in the room with us.

I told my wife this morning that i just don't see her as anything but a financial liability now.

My attitude sucks too, it seems.
Her delight when you walk through the door, the laughing over your goofy jokes, the cuddling on the coach watching Veronica Mars reunions--gone.

They are pulling away and becoming their own person. Which is what good parents want. Part of that is doing the opposite of what they know you want them to do. Children who know they are loved are apt to be the hardest ones to love through this stage because they know deep in their bones that whatever they do, you'll be there for them.

But you don't have to be treated like a doormat either.

Start by scheduling a time to sit down with her and talk about what's going on in her life. Try to leave out the part that you are hurt about her being such a pain in the patootie. Is there some reason she seems so unhappy all the time?

You could mention that it is probably embarrassing to have to ask for money all the time, so you would be glad to set up a system where she our earn the money she needs without asking.

Surely, there are things around the place that need doing. Set up a chart and a payment amount. Once a week she could submit an invoice and you write her a check.

Or help her get a job. Babysitting is quite lucrative these days. $10+/hour in most places. B&Bs and motels need housekeepers. Elderly people need companions. Neighbors need lawn work....

Help her find volunteer opportunities to explore career fields she might be interested in.

The hardest part of the 15 - 18 y/o time is that you feel like you are ready for the world but you are still being treated like a little kid. Treat her like an adult.

Erma Bombeck had a wonderful riff on how if we treated our friends like our kids. "Ed, I saw you drink out of that milk carton, don't try to fool me. Sandra, you need to wash your hands before coming to the table. Betty, quit slouching..."

Pretty soon she will truly be an adult. Time to start practicing.

Fingers crossed.
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Old 10-06-2014, 11:01 AM
 
Location: Birmingham, Alabama
2,056 posts, read 1,837,055 times
Reputation: 3530
thank you all for your wonderful comments. I can tell that many of you put in some real thought, and for that, the kindness of strangers, I am grateful.

Even the ones I didn't really want to hear (jrzdefector, pupmom, etc). Grateful to you as well.

Yeah, my attitude sucks and it probably feeds the problem. I will work to not show that side of myself. THAT may be the biggest challenge of all in being a parent to a teen: staying strong, and also being humble. Good Lord, those two things just don't seem to belong in the same room, like she and I!

The daddy-daughter lunch thing idea turns my stomach right now, to be honest. but the things that are the hardest to do are the ones we should work on the most, no?

Thanks again to all of you.
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Old 10-06-2014, 11:08 AM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
39,034 posts, read 37,675,762 times
Reputation: 73641
Is that your car in your profile pic?
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Old 10-06-2014, 11:24 AM
 
2,778 posts, read 1,343,691 times
Reputation: 2418
Maybe you should sell your daughter into the slave trade. You might even be able to make up all of the precious money she has cost you.

Seriously though-- if that's how you see her, I can't really say it's a mystery why she sees you the way she does.
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Old 10-06-2014, 11:26 AM
 
9,663 posts, read 7,638,989 times
Reputation: 17502
Quote:
Originally Posted by ashpelham View Post
thank you all for your wonderful comments. I can tell that many of you put in some real thought, and for that, the kindness of strangers, I am grateful.

Even the ones I didn't really want to hear (jrzdefector, pupmom, etc). Grateful to you as well.

Yeah, my attitude sucks and it probably feeds the problem. I will work to not show that side of myself. THAT may be the biggest challenge of all in being a parent to a teen: staying strong, and also being humble. Good Lord, those two things just don't seem to belong in the same room, like she and I!

The daddy-daughter lunch thing idea turns my stomach right now, to be honest. but the things that are the hardest to do are the ones we should work on the most, no?

Thanks again to all of you.
Since I suggested this, I am curious about why the notion of dining with your daughter "turns your stomach". Can you elaborate??
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Old 10-06-2014, 11:30 AM
 
Location: Birmingham, Alabama
2,056 posts, read 1,837,055 times
Reputation: 3530
Quote:
Originally Posted by CraigCreek View Post
Since I suggested this, I am curious about why the notion of dining with your daughter "turns your stomach". Can you elaborate??
CraigCreek, just the attitude and all the "dead air". That's all. Just seems like she wouldn't appreciate and wouldn't even attempt to maintain conversation. Why waste the time?

@wmns4life , yep my car. And I am sure I'm wrong here, but you're assuming by the brand of the car that it seems hypocritical to complain about money. It's a 10 year old car, long since paid for, at a time when our finances WEREN'T being sucked out by a high schooler. But again, I know you aren't assuming anything, and i'm just being paranoid, since you asked about it. but thanks for noticing.
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