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I hate to be the debbie downer of the day, but my teenage daughter, whom we love so much, simply doesn't bring me the joy I used to have from her.
I guess it's the attitude we get from this child, but all i see her as anymore is a money drain. The only time she speaks to us is when she needs something. Won't even sit in the room with us.
I told my wife this morning that i just don't see her as anything but a financial liability now.
My attitude sucks too, it seems.
Next time she asks for money, toss her the classifieds section (for jobs).
Just don't add to it, "Get a job b**********", because that would really damage your relationship
My parents refused to pay for my car, gasoline, car insurance, etc. I moved out at 19.
CraigCreek, just the attitude and all the "dead air". That's all. Just seems like she wouldn't appreciate and wouldn't even attempt to maintain conversation. Why waste the time?
That's a pretty negative attitude on your part, to assume that she would behave in this way. Why not give her a chance? Make sure all smart phones and other devices are turned off, and go somewhere really intriguing, so you can talk about your surroundings, if nothing else. True, you may have to rebuild trust, if she doesn't open up at least a little...so you may need to do this sort of thing several times. Try once a week get-togethers with your daughter, at a time that works for both of you. Anything more may interfere with her existing social life and might well lead to resentment.
Long walks and long car rides together are also good opportunities, as are going to art galleries, having a snack after attending a movie or play, and so on. Talk about what you've just experienced if you do any of these latter suggestions. Don't feel as if you have to rehash the father-daughter relationship - just treat her as a young woman with interesting opinions of her own. While she may always be daddy's little girl (or you may wish that she were always daddy's little girl), now's the time to start treating her as a young adult, at least in such settings and situations, if you want to improve communication and trust..
You'll have to be patient and not expect immediate positive results - but don't automatically expect negative results, either. You're not going to get anywhere with her unless you provide an opportunity - maybe lots of opportunities - and set the scene for better communication.
@wmns4life , yep my car. And I am sure I'm wrong here, but you're assuming by the brand of the car that it seems hypocritical to complain about money. It's a 10 year old car, long since paid for, at a time when our finances WEREN'T being sucked out by a high schooler. But again, I know you aren't assuming anything, and i'm just being paranoid, since you asked about it. but thanks for noticing.
That wasn't what I was going to say, but since you're already so open minded, I'll spare you from my "assumptions" about the car in your profile pic.
I will say that I have 3 boys, two of whom are teens, and if you bail on your daughter now, you will never be close to her even when she ISN'T acting like a brat.
Taking her to lunch might put the two of you in too much of an awkward situation, but one-on-one time is a good thing. It's better if you are doing a parallel activity where you aren't just sitting there staring at each other, like looking for something at a store or taking a walk.
Most importantly, TEACH HER how to care about other people. TELL HER (when the time is right ... teens have to be in a fairly receptive mood) that other people matter, that parents have feelings too, and that common courtesy includes asking other people about their days and being interested in their lives.
Go to her events anyway.
Ask her about her day anyway. (Not TOO many questions, or you'll overstay your welcome.)
Include her in what you're doing. It's always good to be asked.
Tell her you love her every day, even if you don't feel it at that moment.
Even though she is 14, you still have to model what you want to see from her just like if she were a toddler. If you use that nasty sarcasm with her, you'll get it right back.
If my daughter had been this disrespectful at 15, she would have been going without special privileges. Maybe yours can't work outside the home yet, but she sure can help out around the house. My daughter had daily chores at 15 that she had to do, and extra chores I'd give her for payment of extra money she needed for activities.
As hard as it might be, you need to sit down w/ her and have a heart to heart talk about her attitude. You mention in your profile that one of your favorite books is self improvement. Maybe this is something you too need to work on. This all didn't happen overnight and won't be fixed overnight. How is her relationship w/ her mom? I have always kept a good relationship w/ my now 18 yr old daughter. My husband had to work a little harder being he traveled and was away more. We made sure to sit down and eat as a family, even if it meant going out to eat so there weren't any distractions. Letting her stay alone in her room can be unhealthy. Many teens develop depression from being alone that leads to more serious things like drinking, drugs, even cutting.
Take an interest in her activities. My husband knew our daughter's schedule and what classes she was taking. He made sure to inquire about her schedule a few times a week. He would draw her into a conversation by talking about her interests, like movies she likes, books she was reading, her favorite music she listened to. You also mention in your profile that you like cycling. How about asking your daughter to go riding sometime w/ you? I've found out more about my daughter on long hikes or rides than by just sitting at home. If you can't do something alone w/ her, maybe your wife can go along.
She's only 15, don't throw in the towel. Work on your attitude and that may help hers. It doesn't have to get worse. I wish you all the best.
That wasn't what I was going to say, but since you're already so open minded, I'll spare you from my "assumptions" about the car in your profile pic.
I will say that I have 3 boys, two of whom are teens, and if you bail on your daughter now, you will never be close to her even when she ISN'T acting like a brat.
Taking her to lunch might put the two of you in too much of an awkward situation, but one-on-one time is a good thing. It's better if you are doing a parallel activity where you aren't just sitting there staring at each other, like looking for something at a store or taking a walk.
Most importantly, TEACH HER how to care about other people. TELL HER (when the time is right ... teens have to be in a fairly receptive mood) that other people matter, that parents have feelings too, and that common courtesy includes asking other people about their days and being interested in their lives.
Go to her events anyway.
Ask her about her day anyway. (Not TOO many questions, or you'll overstay your welcome.)
Include her in what you're doing. It's always good to be asked.
Tell her you love her every day, even if you don't feel it at that moment.
Even though she is 14, you still have to model what you want to see from her just like if she were a toddler. If you use that nasty sarcasm with her, you'll get it right back.
thank you for your comments, wmns4life. And also, craigcreek.
One way I have been able to steal her away from her busy personal life is driving lessons. And yep, that car in my profile pic, with all 133k on it, has been her practice vehicle!
the older your kids get, the smarter your parents become. When I was a teenager, I was bullet-proof, invisible, and WAY smarter than my parents. Now, I'm dumb as a rock and they're freakin' geniuses. 'Course, it's taken 50 years for that to happen. . .
Lather, rinse, repeat, for every teenager. We were all that way. They're that way now, and they'll always be that way.
When a child is at their worst, it's time for the parent to be at their best. You have to continue to lead by example. If you take on the same attitude that she has, she will continue to mirror that image. I remember going through that phase with my dad. Eventually, I realized that I only made myself look terrible and I changed my outlook. Now I'm thankful for all the times he stood firm, yet calm and collected while I went through my teenage phase.
Well children are expensive. I think we feel jaded about relationships with people all the time, even our own children. I'm sure you still love her.
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