My son is socially immature. Does it get better? (activities, married, classes)

[glass_of_merlot]

I just have to keep trying different things. My bff has a son with add and he was doing karate for 3 years. It was really helping him.

[runswithscissors]

Originally Posted by Hopes

If he truly had an attention problem, he wouldn't be doing as well in school academically. He stares at bugs instead of listening to the coaches because baseball and soccer don't interest him yet. When the OP finds a sport or activity he enjoys, he will pay attention.

Playing devil's advocate here - that's not necessarily true. And neither statement rules OUT ADD (or some other conditions)

The mom said he's "on target". That's debatable if he's doing "well" if he is a high IQ child which is just an assumption on my part. But OK. But it's a false premise. And to all the naysayers about having him evaluated: a professional evaluation will find his IQ and facilitate his learning experience much better with an IEP. It should be done PRIVATELY - NOT BY THE SCHOOL'S people they may want to refer her to.

MY ADD kid was certainly "on target" and also put in gifted classes his entire school career even WITH ADD. How did he stay "on target"? ME. Granted, he LOVED school every September and went through all his books with an enthusiastic vengeance. Then a couple months later he was deflated. WHY? Because the DOPES would do things like score him low in ART "aesthetic abilities" in freaking first grade. Because HIS art wasn't as "pretty" and he erased holes in the paper BECAUSE OF HIS FINE MOTOR DEVELOPMENTAL LAGS. Don't even get me started on THIS. I didn't even KNOW he had them but I KNEW something was wrong; he had been doing REVERSALS for YEARS, too, no thanks to Montessori pre school who brushed it off as "normal for a boy".

His elementary school AP teacher was VERY understanding and I'll never forget one time said "He's very enthusiastic about History and at the same time if I hide a Jolly Rancher on a bookcase, in the middle of standing up giving me an answer he'll notices that Jolly Rancher and point it out."

This is the same kid who REFUSED to "study" Spanish and insisted he could "do it" because of watching Beavis and Butthead work at Taco Bell I kid you not. AND he was a good MIMIC. (facepalm LOL).

While he was excellent with the English language he had absolutely NO abilities with other languages even though his father speaks another language. I had to get a waiver from that requirement in college. His brain just doesn't FUNCTION that way.

I had to take the penmanship book home at 8 years old and promise to work on it privately but I actually threw it in the trash till May when I told them "I TOLD you - he has developmental lags but you wouldn't listen so I tossed the book out in September".

Now about the sports.

My ADD kid used to "pick flowers" (weeds) in front of the goal cage (fullback?) during soccer with another similar kid - who happened to be the coach's kid. LUCKILY he LOVED the camaraderie of team sports which IMO saved him socially. He played every season's sport and finally focused on hockey as is primary interest. His favorite though when younger was baseball because it was so much fun yelling "batter batter" and stuff in the dugout with the other kids. The parades etc.

So while you are right that a kid MAY find a sport that they love, that doesn't mean they'll pay any tremendous attention and even if they do that doesn't rule OUT something.

My kid could "pay attention" to his sports trading card XMAS gifts for HOURS on XMAS morning. BY afternoon they'd be all over the place a mess and he'd be upset that he could never get them organized.

So one year I did an experiment and had him take a Ritalin and within TWO HOURS every single card was in order, put in binders, labeled etc. NO, he didn't like the side effects of that drug but it WORKED. The only time I MADE him take it was in the "beginning" when he had a math test after lunch. (it has a very short half life).

There are generalizations that are all TRUE for human beings that are RULE INS even if they end up being not specifically the end diagnosis. And like I've recently found by working with people with dementia it's the same thing. Just some individual variances. And until you live with it you really can't always understand the nuances or specifics or when to worry or NOT worry.

The mom reported a NEW "red flag" (rule in) for "something":

While the other kids are focused on the coach my son is paying attention to a spider on the ground. But on the other hand he is in great shape from always running and moving around. Non stop energy. When he was 2 years old he used to go for walks with his grand parents. They brought the stroller but he refused. He would walk 5-8 miles without complaining.

I'm going to assume some of that is exaggeration especially the 8 MILES. Still, it's a significant part of the history that a doctor would be interested in noting if putting a puzzle together or determining IF there is any puzzle to be solved.

Also, note the mom didn't say "he didn't LIKE the sports so he wanted to stop. She said he wasn't interested/distracted." There's a difference.

I am grateful that he was born just in time to learn about the brain and it's tricks unlike his father who had to work 3 times as hard in school even though he also had a super high IQ and ended up with two masters degrees and a PhD and is now an international expert in his field. Who still needs a secretary to keep him organized and still after 40 years in this country has the worst accent you can imagine simply because it was too much "trouble" to work on it LOL.

I agree with the poster who said EQ is infinitely more valuable than IQ. I'm also grateful we didn't have that particular problem.

[monumentus]

Originally Posted by lovesMountains

I am completely serious and studies would back me up on this.

It might be helpful - therefore - to cite some of these studies for evaluation. Then we can check ourselves who or what the studies back up. You have been wrong about studies before.

[lovesMountains]

Originally Posted by glass_of_merlot

Wow, thanks again for all of your replies.
Now when Im finally at home again, two kids sleeping and husband at work, I can sit down and collect my thoughts again.

I like the idea of sports. He has played baseball and soccer before but he he is so distracted. While the other kids are focused on the coach my son is paying attention to a spider on the ground. But on the other hand he is in great shape from always running and moving around. Non stop energy. When he was 2 years old he used to go for walks with his grand parents. They brought the stroller but he refused. He would walk 5-8 miles without complaining.
Im not sure team sports is his thing yet, but how about Martial Arts?
They have some great Martial Arts schools around where I live. I know it's not teaing the kid social skills but it teaches him self discipline and confidence?

See, I knew you had great mom instincts

Martial arts are a great way to build a child's self-confidence - sign him up today!

[DonCarlodiCalatrava]

How "socially mature" were YOU at age 8? Do you actually believe that real children necessarily conform to the "criteria" set forth in self-help books? Has it not occurred to you that, in a society as wildly unpredictable and dysfunctional as ours, many of the "cultural norms" are themselves idiotic? Why do you want to squeeze your son into a prefabricated box?

[glass_of_merlot]

Originally Posted by DonCarlodiCalatrava

How "socially mature" were YOU at age 8? Do you actually believe that real children necessarily conform to the "criteria" set forth in self-help books? Has it not occurred to you that, in a society as wildly unpredictable and dysfunctional as ours, many of the "cultural norms" are themselves idiotic? Why do you want to squeeze your son into a prefabricated box?

I just want whats best for him. How is wanting him to have friends squeezing him into a fabricated box?

[lovesMountains]

Originally Posted by glass_of_merlot

I just want whats best for him. How is wanting him to have friends squeezing him into a fabricated box?

It's not

Look, there are a lot of "opinions" on this thread, just pick and choose carefully which ones you will give any credibility to and ignore the rest

[texdav]

He's 8 year old. But I might make a suggestion. Find out something with social interaction to join him into he will accept at least. I am 67 and when I was that age I and all my friends attended ballroom dancing classes which taught a lot more than that really. The fact that everyone did it made it easier to accept. But really now I see it was a conspiracy of mothers. I think so many now just do not interact especially with both sexes activity. When it came to attending a dance I had no problem approaching and asking girls as they had taught that in class. I also knew now to dance after asking. I married a Cajun (Louisana French heritage). My wife then and its still is common; went to Cajun dance halls with parents; there family affairs. Kids are common and no one gets out of hand. They start by dancing with father in his arms; then the mother by joining palms facing each other to see steps; then line dances. My wife can cut a rug I can tell you from waltz to ******- bug and no paid lessons. But still some in their 60-late 70's can waltz like they are still 20's. Get him going is my advise altho you might have to give it some thought and effort.

[psr13]

Originally Posted by glass_of_merlot

I just want whats best for him. How is wanting him to have friends squeezing him into a fabricated box?

Well, that depends on his personality. Not everyone needs a lot of friends, and many of us are happiest with just one or two. Again, I would ask if he's naturally an introvert (don't try to change him) or if he isn't and something else is going on.

[nuala]

Originally Posted by glass_of_merlot

I’m hesitant to write this because I don’t want to be judged, but I’m to the point now where I really could need some advice or encouraging words.



I have an 8 year old boy who is in third grade this year. He is a very sweet and caring person. Academically he is right on target for his age group. He reads and write well. He is great at math and he is very knowledgeable about the world in general. He gets that from watching the news with me, National Geographic, documentaries etc. He is your typical curious 8 year old boy. Of course he also watch kids programs.

However, he is also very childish…or socially immature. He has a hard time making friends who wants to hang out with him. He was not like this before he started school (kindergarten) but the older he gets, it’s like his maturity level is not catching up.
When I take him to the park he has no problems playing with 4 and 5 year olds. He realizes that they are much younger, but it’s like he becomes the leader instead of the follower, like he is with his own age group.


When I take him to school in the morning I observe him waiting in line for the teacher. I noticed how the other boys in his class are discussing the latest games, movies etc and he don’t know how to join the conversation. He might try but comes out saying something unrelated and the other boys are pretty much ignoring him. He also have a problem with being too impulsive and loud when he plays, and getting into people’s faces. It's annoying I'm sure for the other kids.

We used to have a problem with him keeping his hands to himself, luckily that’s not much of a problem anymore.


I asked him yesterday who he played with on recess that day and he said “nobody, I tried to talk to A and B but they couldn’t hear me and I kept calling their names “.
In other words, they are ignoring him.
When I ask him if he likes school he says yes. He always seems happy to go to school and always looks forward to go and meet his “friends”. It’s like he doesn’t realize he is putting people off.
Am I overreacting? Sense my son doesn’t seem bothered by it should I just let it go until it actually becomes a problem?
I remember making friends when I was his age and I would have been devastated if nobody wanted to play with me.

Thanks for reading.

Wow. All the bolded parts -is my son. Who is on the high autism level. Happy to go to school, as if doesn't understand that the social life will be hard that day, as every day. Complaining about random push or mocking, but happy to go to school again. Not knowing, how to connect with peers. Playing with much younger kids in the park. Rather talking at them about his interests, liking that the kids are sponging all his talk. Curious about how the world works -and yes, being deeply affected by some tv shows - tornadoes, volcanoes, construction, science. Not moderating his tone of voice = being loud, unless reminded. Yes, I tell the school psychologist and the teachers that it is as if he is 2-3 years behind emotionally. These are known and classified shortcomings of an ASD child. For which he gets an aide for about 10 hours a week at school.