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OP, I empathize with the role you are placed in as a step parent. It sounds as if your stepson is trying some kind of power play but your wife isn't putting a stop to it. Snuggling under a blanket at your relative's house is inappropriate. Your response of getting the hoodie sent an appropriate message that your wife ignored. The eye contact seems like a challenge.
Brief hugs, kisses on the cheek, seem more age appropriate physical parental displays of affection for a mom and her teen son. She needs to understand this and redirect his behavior.
A bit more... him staring into her eyes is unsettling (I did that with her during our dating) May not be sexual, still disturbing as he is almost six foot tall, and is beginning to look like a grown up.
Always acts the same... quiet, reserved, a little shy, yet is also dismissive of me... yup a normal teenager, who spends six hours a day minimum on the computer in his bedroom, in the basement,EVERY day!10 to 12 hrs on the weekends!
My son was over six feet tall before he was in 8th grade. I'd sometimes expect him to behave like a full grown adult, and I had to constantly remind myself he was still a child. I'm talking about expectations about responsibilities, etc.. If you started doing this about cuddling long before now simply because he looked more adult-like as he was maturing, your reactions weren't appropriate for his age back then and contributed to this new weird dynamic in your family that is unhealthy.
My son was over six feet tall before he was in 8th grade. I'd sometimes expect him to behave like a full grown adult, and I had to constantly remind myself he was still a child. I'm talking about expectations about responsibilities, etc.. If you started doing this about cuddling long before now simply because he looked more adult-like as he was maturing, your reactions weren't appropriate for his age back then and contributed to this new weird dynamic in your family that is unhealthy.
It doesn't sound like the OP didn't anything wrong. Mom was cuddling a 15 year old teen at a family gathering outside of their own home. It would be different if the kid was younger.
I don't think mothers and sons shouldn't cuddle. I do think that behavior that makes others uncomfortable, and when those taking part have been told so, is inappropriate. The issue here is with the mother, who should be mature enough to mingle with the adults and not huddle with her teen on the couch.
OP, does this boy have any friends? How does he have the time to spend 6 hours a day, and up to 12 on a weekend day, on the computer? Get him out of the basement and involved in something worthwhile.
We have close friends with sons the same ages as ours. Her boys are very touchy feely compared to mine, but the family dynamic is very loving. They frequently hug and drape their arms around their mother (and me), but it seems very natural in the proper setting.
It doesn't sound like the OP didn't anything wrong. Mom was cuddling a 15 year old teen at a family gathering outside of their own home. It would be different if the kid was younger.
What do you think the OP did wrong?
I'm not saying it was appropriate to cuddle at a family gathering. I'm saying it's possible the OP had a reaction long ago, at a younger age when there was nothing wrong with it, that may have contributed to this weird dynamic in the family.
I would get on his computer while he's gone (if it's not password protected...maybe while he's in the shower or something if it is) and see what in the world he's spending so much time looking at. It may give you a clue about whether this behavior is normal or not....what other kinds of things are going on in his life.
My son did not want to cuddle with me any more at 15, and no normal boy would, especially in public. At 15, they are usually pulling away from their mommies, and that is a normal part of growing up.
It all sounds very strange, especially the part about her ignoring you and then just going to bed without addressing your concerns.
Gender isn't really the issue here, the suspected Oedipal component can swing with fathers and daughters as well. The descriptions you've given remind me a lot of the Norma/Norman Bates dynamic created by the Bates Motel series. I don't say that to be funny, just drawing a reference from something current.
Nothing they did with each other (in the first season anyway, I fell off it after that) was overtly wrong or sexual, but you'd be hard-pressed to find someone who thought their relationship and attachment to one another was healthy and appropriate (and well within your right to ask them what the hell they're smoking once you did).
Anyway, an underlying issue is still an underlying issue, so it doesn't matter if it's not sexual, if he's just being territorial, if he's just responding to some deeply-rooted prohibition of affection when he was younger or if he has social, developmental or other spectrum issues that are only now beginning to present themselves or whatever else could be going on. It's unhealthy behavior for his age. That's all that matters.
OP,
Get to the root of it however you can, which seems it may be difficult, so perhaps start with getting to the root of why his mother (your wife unless I totally misread the whole thing) is so protective of their dynamic. Just a note, you'll have an easier time doing that if you get the sexual parallels out of your head and don't lash out according to that.
Other things...
1) She's 52 and her son is 15? That's kind of late in the game to have a child. What was the situation there between her and the boy's biological father and what were the circumstances surrounding her pregnancy with him? You've been married 11 years, so you married when he was 4, but how long were you in her life prior to that?
2) You've been to marriage counseling, so there are other issues going on. Mind expanding on that?
3) I don't blame you for feeling that much more uncomfortable given the son's build. I had a buddy in high school who looked like a grown man. Six foot two, buff, and a goatee half beard sort of thing going on. If I saw him snuggling up against his mom under a blanket, I'd cringe.
Ahem. How is your sexual relationship with his mother? It's not that I mean to pry, and you don't need to answer (to me). I think you should answer it to yourself. Because that's where the answer to this question lies.
If you have a quality romantic relationship with your wife, it wouldn't matter a bit to you how she relates to her son. If there has been a problem in that department lately, there's your answer. I hate to be the one who breaks it to you, but you sound jealous. VERY jealous. The boy is not having sex with his mother, and is not romantically attracted to her. However, she may be feeling uncomfortable around you, and he is responding to her discomfort. Children (and he is still a child at 15, regardless of his height) often sense parental distress, and respond accordingly. I think that's what this is.
But only you would know about this, for sure.
Sex life is fine... She probably wants it more than I do... but with stepkids in their mid teens hard to find opportunities to fit into both schedules. On their fathers visiting days, kids can do whatever they want, go wherever they want. We used to schedule Weds night as date night, but kids are old enough to choose whether or not they want to go to dads' house, And they bounce around day to day on the weekends.
Secondly... not jealous, this just is inappropriate behavior in public (I think at home also!). Some people grow up without learning boundaries, these are the self-centered people that believe adultery and lying are okay. My wife insists that I spend evenings with her watching recorded tv shows when she is not doing activities for/with her kids. I used to go to these activities with her/them, but then the kids wouldn't talk to me, and I got the hint and stopped going with them. And if she is feeling uncomfortable around me (your words), as an adult, she should talk to me or a counselor about this problem, not try to compensate with her 15 year old son.
( Remember Norman Bates?? If not, watch Bates Motel...)
My son did not want to cuddle with me any more at 15, and no normal boy would, especially in public. At 15, they are usually pulling away from their mommies, and that is a normal part of growing up.
I agree with this. It's not normal at all. What's happening isn't healthy. I just feel the OP might have had an issue with cuddling when the boy was younger, and that might and contributed to his overly focusing his attention on his mother to compete with his step father in this regard. It's common for stepchildren to compete with their stepparents in many different ways. I have no advice to the OP except for him to evaluate how his prior reactions might have inspired his stepson undermine their marriage in this manner. If the wife won't do marriage counseling or family counseling, perhaps the OP would benefit from going to counseling on his own for assistance in determining if he wants to remain married or divorce.
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yup a normal teenager, who spends six hours a day minimum on the computer in his bedroom, in the basement,EVERY day!10 to 12 hrs on the weekends!
