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the mother needs to wake up !!!! and see shes not doing this boy any favors
The mother refuses to wake up. In light of that, I wonder what options there are for her son. He needs help or he will be really messed up (if he isn't already).
Someone needs to intervene. I explained that if the OP reports this to a school counselor, his wife will know it was he who did the reporting which might make things even worse for the boy.
So, yes, there has to be a way to intervene without making the situation even worse.
I have a question about a 15 yr old boys behavior towards his mother. Sometimes on the couch in the evening, or even at the dinner table, this quiet boy will lay his head on his mothers' shoulder or chest, and start nuzzling her. He will close his eyes, and smile while he's doing it. He will lay there for minutes at a time, and has spent 15 or 20 minutes like that some evenings. I have mentioned my distain at both of their behaviors to my wife, and she says I'm the only one who has a problem with it.
Last night we went to myparents house for a Halloween family get-together. In front of my parents, my two siblings, and their families, my wife (52) and her son pulled a blanket over themselves. And my stepson started hugging and nuzzling his mother. I immediately told him to pull himself off of her, quietly and discreetly, at first. He smirked at me, and then he closed his eyes, and continued. My wife ignored me.
My family members started noticing, and one by one, four of them came over to talk with me. Comments ranged from... "What's going on over there" to "that is totally inappropriate, what's wrong with her?".
I was embarrassed, so I asked her to get out from under the blanket with him, and she said they were cold.
I then went to the bedroom and got my stepson his hoodie. I also told them to get away from the open front door, where we were handing out candy. They moved to a couch across the room, where they immediately cuddled up again, this time with his arm around his mothers' shoulders. and him laying his head into the crook of her neck. By now, I had had enough ( I was mortified!)... I told them we were leaving... and I lashed out at her saying... if he was that tired after having sex, he should get home and get to bed! ( I know, not my finest hour, but this has been going on too long, in my opinion.) When we got home, and I tried to calm down, we didn't speak for 4 hours. My wife wanted to pretend like nothing happened. I told her she embarrassed me. She said no one else seemed to care. I told her about the comments, and she went to the bedroom, and closed the door to go to sleep.
Is this normal behavior between a mother and son, or do I have reason for concern?
Thanks for listening
It is not normal.
The kid's actions are directed at you. His mother is just the tool he is using. If she doesn't put a stop to it, I don't think it will stop for a year or two.
Ironically, the kid's actions are not an expression of love for his mother. Actually, he could not care less about her. If you weren't there he wouldn't act the way he does.
So. The kid is passive-aggressive. Mom is facilitating his actions. And you are out. I've seen in happen before, and I have never seen a happy ending.
I think my approach would be to help the kid in his social life. Do what you can to get him to date and the like. I don't think you will be successful at handling passive-aggressive behavior directly, so I'm suggesting you handle it indirectly.
The mother refuses to wake up. In light of that, I wonder what options there are for her son. He needs help or he will be really messed up (if he isn't already).
Someone needs to intervene. I explained that if the OP reports this to a school counselor, his wife will know it was he who did the reporting which might make things even worse for the boy.
So, yes, there has to be a way to intervene without making the situation even worse.
ok,, so not with a counselor, but id get another female in the family to talk with mother and another male to talk with son
some straight talk may be some hard medicine,,,,
that's what I would do...because if something unforeseen and crazy takes place,,,at least he made an effort on what he saw/knows at the time
ok,, so not with a counselor, but id get another female in the family to talk with mother and another male to talk with son
some straight talk may be some hard medicine,,,,
that's what I would do...because if something unforeseen and crazy takes place,,,at least he made an effort on what he saw/knows at the time
Good advice!
IMO, it would be best if the female who talks to the mother is from the mother's extended family as should be the male who talks to the boy. It's clear that the mother disregards what the OP's family thinks about the situation.
sorry OP but i got distracted by your story when you said you your 15 yo stepson spends UP TO TWELVE HOURS on the computer IN THE BASEMENT ALONE. why are you allowing him to do this? you do realize that there are tons of inappropriate material a 15 yo can access on the internet, right? wow, i really feel like parents have lost common sense to lazy parenting. do you even have parental controls on that computer? i am betting no.
This. Combined with the fact that the OP had to ask "Should I be concerned?"
Really, OP? The problems in your household aren't evident to you?
As bad as I hate to interject this into the conservation... Here goes.
As a son, who loves his mommy and more than likely rejects and/or dislikes his step-dad the boy seems to me trying to cut in (not sexually) but stay between the step-dad and his mom. By blowing up you are letting the boy know he's getting under your skin sorta speak. Anyone who has ever dated a single mom or a woman with kids should know that the male (in this case) the boy would be very jealous of his mother giving another male any attention. It''s not a sexually thing (might be in this case) but more of she's mine and you can't have her mentality. I have seen this more than once but it usually goes away with time and building a friendship with the boy.
That's sick. There is something wrong with the kid. Your wife probably loves it and she feels like Mother Superior.
My stepdaughter snuggled with her daddy for many years but she's a girl, and he raised her himself.
and why is it OK for a teenaged girl to "snuggle" with her father? That sounds very creepy to me.
I think the OP is exaggerating a bit....saying the boy sits in front of her 'gazing' at her for an uncomfortable amount of time or "hugging her for minutes at a time". It's clear the OP thinks the boy has a sexual thing for his own mother.
OP, someone else mentioned that you said the kid spends 12 hours at a time on the computer in the basement. Have you or his mother checked his browsing history? Do you have parental controls on the computer?
As bad as I hate to interject this into the conservation... Here goes.
As a son, who loves his mommy and more than likely rejects and/or dislikes his step-dad the boy seems to me trying to cut in (not sexually) but stay between the step-dad and his mom. By blowing up you are letting the boy know he's getting under your skin sorta speak. Anyone who has ever dated a single mom or a woman with kids should know that the male (in this case) the boy would be very jealous of his mother giving another male any attention. It''s not a sexually thing (might be in this case) but more of she's mine and you can't have her mentality. I have seen this more than once but it usually goes away with time and building a friendship with the boy.
Or could be they both need counseling.....
^ This is the most straight forward logical explanation. Basic territorial stuff.
It reminds me a bit of a younger cousin about that age who would stare at my breasts all the time. When i asked a male friend, his reply was "so what, i stared at my sister's all the time too when I was his age." Not *exactly* the same but normalizes things a tad more.
Someone above also mentioned he might be gay. What do you think OP?? I also question autistic type traits as understanding social boundaries is also difficult for them.
What does he do on the computer? Have you checked his cache and computer history? Looking at porn is normal at his age but if is he looking at "incest fetish" erotica? Or is he looking at guys? Or just playing online strategy games?
Also, what is your wife's stage of menopause? Is she mourning not having more children? Is she depressed and he is consoling him? Is this giving her a perverse pleasure? (The obvious question)
The thing is that most people are soothed by cuddling. I cuddle w many male platonic friends but I don't have a husband or bf. This is YOUR role. Is this her way of telling you that you are not fulfilling it?
For what its worth, I cuddled w my mother and even slept in her bed at times until I was 14 (im female.) She was extremely needy and it was very soothing to me at the time. Later I discovered that my mom has borderline personality disorder. This makes her extremely needy and unable to "self sooth."
Sorry to be all over the place, but everything needs to be considered to try and assess "normal." Because just *on the surface* I would not call it normal.
Easy- send the kid to live with his dad- problem solved- Your real problem is your wife-who totally disrespected you and humiliated you in front of your family-unforgivable-(and I bet it wasn't the first time) boot her out and you're good to go-
next?
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( I know, not my finest hour, but this has been going on too long, in my opinion.) When we got home, and I tried to calm down, we didn't speak for 4 hours. My wife wanted to pretend like nothing happened. I told her she embarrassed me. She said no one else seemed to care. I told her about the comments, and she went to the bedroom, and closed the door to go to sleep.
