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My long-term GF and I have discussed marriage and children on many occasions. I am quite open to both ideas but there is one catch...she is totally lazy. She cleans...nothing. Either I do ALL of the cleaning for her or she pays one of her cousins to come over and do it.
Clothes, mail, dishes, and so on pile up everywhere. When I first met her she had a roommate, and blamed the mess on her. The roommate left and her house stayed in the same disarray.
Her car is a rolling trash can, literally. Her mother has medical issues and one day puked in the passenger's seat. The GF just mopped it up with a towel, sprinkled baking soda over it, then covered it with a towel....and left it that way.
Now, she does put her own clothes in the wash but more-often-than-not she will not dry them. She says she forgets. If there is clothing or other items on the bed she won't move them, usually. She'll just crawl into bed and either push them aside or leave them be. She claims that she doesn't "see them". Even when her clothes do get dry-usually because I throw them in the dryer-her clean clothes will just end up in a pile on the floor, becoming mixed in with the dirty. If she needs something from the store she will wait until I go out to run errands to have me get what-ever she needs for her. If she is thirsty she will wait until I go to the kitchen instead of getting a glass of water herself. She has never once cleaned a toilet, sink, bathroom, vacuumed the floor and so on since I have known her.
She also has really bad allergies, yet there is an inch of dust covering most things until I take care of it. She also claims to be tired all the time and complains about her coworkers and commute endlessly. Some weekends, she stays in bed until well in the afternoon/early evening. She can't even get out of bed to look out the window to see if it is snowing, she will call on me to do it for her citing that she is "already in bed" as if that was a legitimate excuse. And that is another thing: she has an excuse for everything; she can't go to the store because she has already put on her pajamas, is already in bed, I am closer to... and so on.
Even when we go out she will begin to complain that her feet/knee/stomach/head hurting soon enough and want to go home. Not all of the time, but enough times to make me wonder if these really do hurt or if it is just another excuse.
Keep in mind that I am asking a question about parenting here, not relationship advice. Despite the picture I paint above we do get along well, have things in common, can make each laugh like no other can, and she actually does like to do stuff...just not by herself usually and often times not for too long.
I don't think she will be a bad parent for the most part, I just don't see her being a good one in the sense that, because of how things are now, I would end up doing the majority of work. Knowing myself I know that I would feel resentment towards her, and I don't want that, or don't want a kid to be in the middle of that.
I know people go through mental changes after they have kids but I just don't see a "mom" gene turning on a switch in her considering that even when she does bring a dirty dish to the sink she can never put it in the sink...always sets it on the counter...and never even at least rinsing them off. Am I wrong? Can someone go from being totally, absolutely, lazy before having kids to taking care of business after kids?
She is a 30-something, college-educated, and has a solid career. Ironically, she is also a back-seat driver and claims to have OCD.
If she born Lazy woman I don't know if she will change. But if you think she is way too lazy think twice before you bring a innocent child in to it. Solid carrier is nothing when a woman is a lazy woman.
I think the standards of cleanliness stick to some degree. I am not dirty, but I'm very disorganized. I would sometimes forget diapers when I went out. Not sometimes...often. But I didn't forget to feed them, or anything major. I was just often buying diapers on the fly or borrowing them lol
I'm getting better about remembering things as I get older.
Still she might make you do all the baby care
I think it's a safe bet she is who she is. And you can choose to take it or leave it. Dont try to change her. It won't work
I know people go through mental changes after they have kids but I just don't see a "mom" gene turning on a switch in her considering that even when she does bring a dirty dish to the sink she can never put it in the sink...always sets it on the counter...and never even at least rinsing them off. Am I wrong? Can someone go from being totally, absolutely, lazy before having kids to taking care of business after kids?
No, not usually. Most often, the behavior she exhibits before pregnancy will get worse after the often overwhelming tasks of child care takes over her daily life.
If she cannot even clean vomit out of her car, what will she do with spit-up stained onesies or poopy diapers??? She will jeopardize her health, yours and the baby's.
VERY rarely, a parent will be inspired in their new role, but it for her to turn around her entire lifestyle and approach to health is a VERY long shot.
Quote:
Originally Posted by K-Luv
I don't think she will be a bad parent for the most part, I just don't see her being a good one in the sense that, because of how things are now, I would end up doing the majority of work. Knowing myself I know that I would feel resentment towards her, and I don't want that, or don't want a kid to be in the middle of that.
This ^^^ is absolutely right on all accounts.
I would not bring a child into the world with a person who lives like you have described here.
I wouldn't be so quick to dismiss her fatigue as an excuse. I'm similar to your GF, in terms of how I feel - however, I'm a SAHM and I keep the house clean, food made, I do all the shopping, errands, laundry etc. What I couldn't handle is having a full-time job while having kids, and I admire the women who can. I feel that lots of people think I'm lazy because I complain about being tired so much, but the truth is I feel exhausted, pretty much all the time. I've been to doctor after doctor and all my tests always come back fine, and no one can find a reason for it. I've also been like that since pretty much birth - I remember even as a child being tired all the time. It's really horrible and people who haven't been through it just can't understand - I have to forcefully drag myself through each day, and tasks that others don't even think about take a monumental effort for me. My body always feels worn out, like when recovering from the flu, and often the simplest things like cleaning up or even standing up at certain moments feel like too much. When I get up early in the morning I often need to sit down in between getting ready, because I get so weak my body just gives out. I'm only 31, slim, don't smoke or drink, exercise, get 9-10 hours of sleep a night - and I feel like I could spend all day in bed if I could. It's extremely frustrating and I feel like no one understands, including my husband.
I have a child and a second on the way, and yes, it is HARD sometimes. But since I don't work, I'm at least happy that I can be at home and do things at my own pace. I see being a mom and housewife as my job, and I try to do a good job at it. I'll admit sometimes I'll let DS watch TV for a bit longer than he should because I just can't bring myself to get off the couch. But I don't think I'm a terrible mom, and I would be devastated if I didn't get to experience motherhood because of this stupid fatigue that I can't help and that makes my life miserable as it is. My advice - be kind to your GF. She could very well be dealing with chronic health issues that can't be diagnosed, just like mine. Be supportive, talk to her.
Before we had kids, my husband and I had a pretty messy house. When I still worked, our house was messy even after we had our daughter. Piles of laundry, that kind of thing. We were good about throwing out diapers though. Once I was staying home, the house was clean. I didn't get any more energy or feel any more motivated. The reason we were bad about cleaning the house before is that it wasn't anyone's clear cut responsibility...if I cleaned, I felt like next time my husband would assume I would do all the cleaning. He felt the same way. Once I was staying home with the kids, the housework and childcare was my responsibility and I got it done. It's actually harder to keep a small, crowded space clean than a bigger house, strangely enough.
My next door neighbor has two kids and a really messy house...sometimes my oldest will help the mom carry groceries in if she sees her getting home from the store with the baby, and she says the neighbor has a layer of stuff on the floor so deep you can't see their carpet. They have a two-story so you'd figure they'd keep that kind of mess upstairs where it didn't really show, but I guess not.
Anyhow, she may not ever change. It sounds like you enjoy being with her, but it also sounds like having a child might put more of a burden on you. Have you talked to her about it? Not a lecture, not nagging, just told her that you can see spending the rest of your lives together and raising a family together, but that you feel like all the household work already falls on you?
What does her family's house look like? Is it super-messy, or really, really clean? Sometimes people are messy because they never learned better and other times they are messy because their parents were obsessive about cleanliness. The ones who never learned better can be taught. you could use the Flylady website or make a plan together for keeping up with the housework.
Before we had kids, my husband and I had a pretty messy house. When I still worked, our house was messy even after we had our daughter. Piles of laundry, that kind of thing. We were good about throwing out diapers though. Once I was staying home, the house was clean. I didn't get any more energy or feel any more motivated. The reason we were bad about cleaning the house before is that it wasn't anyone's clear cut responsibility...if I cleaned, I felt like next time my husband would assume I would do all the cleaning. He felt the same way. Once I was staying home with the kids, the housework and childcare was my responsibility and I got it done. It's actually harder to keep a small, crowded space clean than a bigger house, strangely enough.
My next door neighbor has two kids and a really messy house...sometimes my oldest will help the mom carry groceries in if she sees her getting home from the store with the baby, and she says the neighbor has a layer of stuff on the floor so deep you can't see their carpet. They have a two-story so you'd figure they'd keep that kind of mess upstairs where it didn't really show, but I guess not.
Anyhow, she may not ever change. It sounds like you enjoy being with her, but it also sounds like having a child might put more of a burden on you. Have you talked to her about it? Not a lecture, not nagging, just told her that you can see spending the rest of your lives together and raising a family together, but that you feel like all the household work already falls on you?
What does her family's house look like? Is it super-messy, or really, really clean? Sometimes people are messy because they never learned better and other times they are messy because their parents were obsessive about cleanliness. The ones who never learned better can be taught. you could use the Flylady website or make a plan together for keeping up with the housework.
That is true! We've just moved into our very first house, 2800 sq ft after living in apartments all our lives. I was really intimidated at all the cleaning it would take, but actually I've been putting in less effort and it looks way cleaner than our apartment ever did, lol. There's a big playroom/ media room upstairs where no one sees all the toys and mess, and when you come in you see the formal living room and dining room which we almost never use so it's nice and tidy all the time, making a good impression. Plus there's lots of storage room, garage, laundry room etc to tuck away all the mess behind closed doors, lol.
I always found keeping a small space clean, but I wouldn't keep as much stuff. Now in a bigger home it's like a snake in a can. Things shoved out of sight but...man if the kids are looking for something, it explodes
I know people go through mental changes after they have kids but I just don't see a "mom" gene turning on a switch in her considering that even when she does bring a dirty dish to the sink she can never put it in the sink...always sets it on the counter...and never even at least rinsing them off. Am I wrong? Can someone go from being totally, absolutely, lazy before having kids to taking care of business after kids?
She is a 30-something, college-educated, and has a solid career. Ironically, she is also a back-seat driver and claims to have OCD.
It would be very unrealistic for you to have the expectation or even hope that your gf would take care of business after kids. It's bad enough that she can't do it for her health, but what really makes it a unrealistic expectation/hope is the fact that she doesn't appear to own up this... failing nor does it appear that she's even putting in effort to curb this behavior.
The problem with mess-blind people is that they get worse as they age, especially when they have someone cleaning up after them. My husband is mess-blind and a lazy "cleaner , and it's an issue that really sticks in my craw. He's otherwise an awesome person.
If you are the stay at home dad and she was out earning the vast majority of the money, then you wouldn't have to concern yourself as much about her laziness. I seriously doubt she will change much for the better, more likely she will get worse. I have a friend and his wife sounds a lot like yours in almost every respect. He has been married for around 15 years, and has finally tired of the situation. They have one child and that child is hardly ever engaged in anything enriching, the wife and son are always on the phones or ipads playing video games. I'd say that is a likely outcome for you and your girlfriend.
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