Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I googled before coming here, but couldn't find this exact issue. My daughter behaves better when only one of her parents is around. It's as if she enjoys turning her mother and me against each other. She doesn't have that option when it's just me or just my wife alone with her. Dinnertime, especially, is when she seems to love to needle us, but doesn't do any of that when it's just me.
Anyone have any thoughts on this? All I could find on google was the "my kid behaves better at school than at home." Thanks.
Dinnertime is prime time for family drama. The table is like a stage, and it is a rare time when the whole family is looking at each other with (relatively) few distractions. It brings out all kinds of personality quirks. (The picky eater! The one who won't sit still! The silent statue! The eye-roller!)
Don't fall for it. You and your wife have to be on the same page, consistent with what is allowed and what is not. Set the expectations with your daughter, and follow through if she does not abide by them.
Dinnertime is prime time for family drama. The table is like a stage, and it is a rare time when the whole family is looking at each other with (relatively) few distractions. It brings out all kinds of personality quirks. (The picky eater! The one who won't sit still! The silent statue! The eye-roller!)
Don't fall for it. You and your wife have to be on the same page, consistent with what is allowed and what is not. Set the expectations with your daughter, and follow through if she does not abide by them.
This. Have a discussion with your wife when daughter isn't around, and figure out what your goals are for your daughter, and how you'd each deal with problems individually. Not only do you need to be on the same page, but you need to have each other's backs. No need to let things escalate, nor to be harsh with your daughter, but you will need to be firm and consistent with her.
Some mutual role-playing might be helpful - first you, then your wife take the part of your daughter and try out some of her tactics on your spouse. Once you've figured out what leads to her behavior, engage in some role-playing with your daughter - you or your wife take the role of your daughter and let her be a parent. Light might dawn!
Figure out what your daughter's typical button-pushing behaviors are - and remove the buttons. It may be as simple as calmly saying, "No, that's not going to happen, we told you why not, and we're not going to talk about it anymore tonight. Now, what happened at school today?" (changing the subject is a great tactic). Be prepared for her to pout, get weepy and accusatory, and perhaps run off to her room in tears at first. Keep calm, and carry on! Ignore the obvious efforts to manipulate, empathize and reward what is positive.
You and your wife can either "feed" into this or agree that it will not happen. You need to present a united front. My husband and I always either checked with each other when one of our kids had a request that seemed out of line or asked the child directly, "What did your mother/father say?"
For this kind of thing, our standard line was, "Your mother/father already said no" or whatever was appropriate.
There were plenty of times my H and I disagreed about parenting issues, but we discussed it privately later. If one of us disagreed with the other allowing our child to do something, we didn't discuss it in front of the child. We both learned to let it go for the moment and discuss later. Sometimes it was simple things like not eating dinner and others times it was more complex issues like curfew times, etc.
I think that prevented a lot of the playing off of each other drama. It's not that they didn't try, but in the end we didn't let it work very often. It comes down to you and your wife making the decision to not let it work when your Daughter tries it.
This is probably one of the most common parent/child conflicts of all time......your kid is seeking to divide and conquer.
If you figure out how to solve it, let me know
LOL. My daughter is 4. When does it end? (rhetorical question)
In seriousness, is there a word for this behaviour? If it's so common, I'm wondering why I couldn't find anything. I'm not precisely looking to solve the problem as much as understand it. Thanks!
LOL. My daughter is 4. When does it end? (rhetorical question)
In seriousness, is there a word for this behaviour? If it's so common, I'm wondering why I couldn't find anything. I'm not precisely looking to solve the problem as much as understand it. Thanks!
Your daughter is testing you & your spouse. If she succeeds at age 4 it will be much, much worse at age 8 or 10 and she may be totally unbearable to be around as a teenager.
LOL. My daughter is 4. When does it end? (rhetorical question)
In seriousness, is there a word for this behaviour? If it's so common, I'm wondering why I couldn't find anything. I'm not precisely looking to solve the problem as much as understand it. Thanks!
You will get more suggestions as this thread progresses, but I think the "present a united front" advice will come up time and again. They listen better when there is only one parent because they know there is no alternative to appeal to and nobody else to displace the one parent's attention from them (and only them), which is what they want.
The info in out there, but doing a Google search is probably casting too wide a net. Look for some other parenting specific forums and search them, or register and pose this same question.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
(rhetorical question)
