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My daughter is only in 1st grade, but the mean girl behavior is already starting. Earlier in the school year she was on the receiving end, but now she gets along fine with those girls. However... now she's starting in with someone else. In our apartment complex, she has a close friend (J) who lives across the way, and another girl (A), who she has always been friendly with, but not as close as with J. I watch A in the mornings before school, because the school bus comes after her parents have to leave for work, and over the past month or so I've noticed that my daughter has been a little cold toward A, but I just chalked it up to her usual morning grouchiness. I talked to her about it and reminded her that A is a guest in our home and she needs to watch how she talks to A. I figured that was the end of that, because my daughter has never been one to be deliberately rude to other kids.
So, it happened again. I asked my daughter what the problem is, and she told me that she doesn't like A because J says that "A is always bragging and saying she all of this stuff, like clothes from Justice and American Girl dolls, but she says they're at her grandma's house." I told her that maybe it's true, or maybe it isn't, that's really none of her concern; if J doesn't like her, that's between the two of them and she needs to butt out. The next couple of mornings afterward, she was nicer to A, but it was one of those I'm-only-being-nice-because-my-mom-is-watching.
Then, over the weekend I took my daughter out for sushi lunch for her birthday, and invited J along (A wasn't home). They mentioned A and the bragging, so I tried to diffuse it by suggesting that maybe A's parents keep the stuff as her grandmother's so her little brother doesn't wreck it, just as my older son keeps his train set at my in-law's house. They let it go after that, but then yesterday and this morning my daughter started in on her again!
I'm really getting steamed here because of my own baggage as a kid (I was the "have not" who always lied about having what everyone else did, although my friends were too polite to call me out on it), but mostly I'm mortified by how my daughter is acting! I want to be like "Get over yourself, your clothes aren't from Justice either, and you have AG knock-offs." I've tried to use, as a teaching tool, the time she was being treated that way by the two girls on her bus. I'm strongly considering having her take a break from J, since they only play together on the weekends because we're all pretty strict about weeknights being for homework and family time. J isn't really a "mean" kid either, just very outspoken and a bit critical of other people, but not in a malicious way.
Any suggestions? I understand that not everyone "clicks" or has to be friends, but this girls is with us 5 mornings a week, and I won't put up with her being treated disrespectfully.
I would usually just talk to my daughters about what might be prompting the other child's behavior, or tell them a story about my childhood and how I felt, and how that relates to how the other girl is behaving.
I also tell my kids that you can be friends with someone without liking every single thing about them, and that learning to get along with everyone is a life skill.
You can also remind your daughter how it felt to be on the receiving end of the mean behavior, and how she was probably really sad when that was happening, and that you're sure she doesn't want to make somebody else feel as bad as those other girls made her feel.
What role does your husband play in modeling behavior for/disciplining his children? Maybe he can be a stabilizing component; all of that "drama" can't be generated by first grader. Sushi lunches, clothing brands and parental "baggage" might be secondary to the childrens' other needs.
I would sit your daughter down again and explain to her how she is making A feel. Remind her of how she felt when she was on the receiving end. Let her know that behavior is not tolerated ever.
I would also ask her how she feels about A. Tell her to take J out of the equation (if she can she is young!). Ask her what she likes about A, why she is A's friend. Talk about all the good things about A.
I think being consistent is all you can do. It's tough, but you are a good mom for recognizing it and trying to teach your daughter to be kind!
Come again? I took the child out for ONE sushi lunch for her BIRTHDAY; we virtually never have meals out because we can't afford it, so it was a special treat. Our children's clothes are hand-me-downs or thrift store finds, and we live in a working class neighborhood. My husband is just as mystified as I am on how to deal with this, if not more so, although friends with older daughters have told us that this is the age where it starts now.
Quote:
Originally Posted by RP2C
What role does your husband play in modeling behavior for/disciplining his children? Maybe he can be a stabilizing component; all of that "drama" can't be generated by first grader. Sushi lunches, clothing brands and parental "baggage" might be secondary to the childrens' other needs.
Thank you. She's a sensitive kid, so I'm hoping to make her see that she's is really hurting someone's feelings. It's not like I'm forcing her to have play dates or pretend to like her, but there's no call for being catty and disrespectful.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Hedgehog_Mom
I would usually just talk to my daughters about what might be prompting the other child's behavior, or tell them a story about my childhood and how I felt, and how that relates to how the other girl is behaving.
I also tell my kids that you can be friends with someone without liking every single thing about them, and that learning to get along with everyone is a life skill.
You can also remind your daughter how it felt to be on the receiving end of the mean behavior, and how she was probably really sad when that was happening, and that you're sure she doesn't want to make somebody else feel as bad as those other girls made her feel.
Thank you. It's really a whole new ball game once they're in school and starting to be more selective of who their friends are, and it seems to be harder than what boys go through. I have a son in 4th grade, and he's still at the stage where he'll be best friends with anyone who wants to ride bikes together.
Quote:
Originally Posted by veuvegirl
I would sit your daughter down again and explain to her how she is making A feel. Remind her of how she felt when she was on the receiving end. Let her know that behavior is not tolerated ever.
I would also ask her how she feels about A. Tell her to take J out of the equation (if she can she is young!). Ask her what she likes about A, why she is A's friend. Talk about all the good things about A.
I think being consistent is all you can do. It's tough, but you are a good mom for recognizing it and trying to teach your daughter to be kind!
Thank you. It's really a whole new ball game once they're in school and starting to be more selective of who their friends are, and it seems to be harder than what boys go through. I have a son in 4th grade, and he's still at the stage where he'll be best friends with anyone who wants to ride bikes together.
It is crazy. I remember my daughter at the age of 4 saying she was fat. All her friends told her so. I was in shock. Mean girl behavior starts younger and younger.
And then there is my son, you described it perfectly, if the kid can ride a bike they are best friends!!
I am dreading this new phase of development with my oldest daughter, who is also in 1st grade. All these social and friendship minefields we will have to begin navigating, hurt feelings (both on the giving and receiving end), etc.
I can relate to how you feel about how your daughter is treating A. I don't think there is anything that would disappoint me more about my daughter right now than if she was deliberately mean to another kid (being rude to an adult is a close second). I would also feel it reflects poorly on me as a parent.
I think you just have to keep talking about it, without harping on it. We've always told my daughter that she doesn't have to like everyone, but she needs to be kind. Kids can't always see things from someone else's perspective when they're that young.
This behavior peaked in 3rd and 4th grade for us and then again in 6th and 7th grade.
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