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I recently told a friend of mine that I was on the fence about having kids.
His response: If you choose not to, who's going to take care of you when you get old?
I used to volunteer at a nursing home and I can't tell you how many residents would go months without a visit from their children, most of whom lived locally. I hate when people use that logic as a reason to have kids.
In response to the OP, I think there's pros and cons to both. I do think you're smart for considering the issue from all sides before you make any decisions.
I recently told a friend of mine that I was on the fence about having kids.
His response: If you choose not to, who's going to take care of you when you get old?
It irks me to no end when people use this as a reason for having kids. Not only does it smack of selfishness, but in no way does having kids ensure you'll be taken care of in your later years. How do you explain all the nursing homes out there saturated with elderly folks?
I completely agree with you there. I hate it when people say that to me, and believe me, I've heard it. It's ridiculous.
I recently told a friend of mine that I was on the fence about having kids.
His response: If you choose not to, who's going to take care of you when you get old?
It irks me to no end when people use this as a reason for having kids. Not only does it smack of selfishness, but in no way does having kids ensure you'll be taken care of in your later years. How do you explain all the nursing homes out there saturated with elderly folks?
100% Exactly. I work in radiology and if you people think that having kids some how relinquishes you of taking care of yourself or paying someone else to do it then you are sorely mistaken.
SOME people's kids come around and help out, many live in a different state entirely and people 70+ years old are taking care of themselves.
I chose not to have children because frankly, I just don't like children and I don't like the idea of being locked down for 20+ years. I prefer to have the freedoms that I have. I prefer the ability to just drop what I'm doing and go wherever I want.
I will benefit from less financial strain overall and will have a lower maintenance life overall.
I grew up thinking being childless was a huge tragedy and wanted to have many kids. Probably had something to do with me being an only child. In any case, here I am 38, no kids, no husband and very happy with my life and not really feeling like I'm missing out.
And I'm not someone who dislikes children - quite the contrary, I adore them. I love spending time with my friends' children and the kids in my family. And kids like me too - I had dinner with a friend's family last week and her 10 year old son was begging me to stay or come back for dinner the next night.
But I see the work my friends put into raising their children and the sacrifices they make, and I know that it is a decision not to be undertaken lightly. I also know that a two-parent home is the ideal, and I have no intention of getting married or taking on a partner these days. At the same time, I could see myself adopting or fostering at some point if I had the financial stability and free time to really provide a good environment.
I guess you could say I'm pleasantly ambivalent on the subject of children. I have a really happy life right now, but I think it could be happy in a somewhat different way should I have children at some point (though it's increasingly unlikely that will happen). But the other side of that coin is that children aren't necessarily always a source of joy. Sometimes they are a source of grief - family, after all, is a biological accident and nothing says you will all get along just because of a genetic link. My father is not related to me biologically, and I'm much closer to him than I am to my mother (who IS my biological mom).
On the one hand, I relish the low- maintenance life I have now. I am a hardcore introvert who needs his alone time and dislikes social gatherings. I have never been much of a kid person to begin with. I'm the youngest of 3 and didn't grow up around younger kids/babies. I am not stingy with money, as I frequently donate to charities, but I'll be the first to admit I am stingy with my time. Sundays in my book are for reading, writing, and watching TV.
However, I sometimes have paternal twinges that lead me to think that once I have a kid (I want a daughter), I will break out of my comfort zone and make my child the center of my universe.
The fact of the matter is that my risk-averse nature keeps me in check. There are so many unfavorable things that could happen when you have a kid (stress, less sex, child could turn out unruly or with health issues/disabilities, marital problems, etc) that I often ask myself why I would bother altering the relaxing, low-hassle life I have now.
1. For those of you who opted to have kids: Be honest. What are some things that you don't necessarily love about parenthood? Do you have regrets? Would you advise someone who's on the fence to think very carefully before taking the leap?
2. For those of you who opted not to have kids: Why did you choose not to have any? Are you happy with that decision, or do you at times feel pangs of regret?
Like Agent Smith in the Matrix says, it's about purpose.
What is your purpose or goal in life. If your purpose is to be selfish and enjoy your hoard of money alone then so be it.
That's all you need to ask yourself and rest will follow.
I stumbled into parenthood by being a dumb 20 yr old without birth control. I never had any intention of having kids. I never even liked children.
But my older son (now 23) is the only person in the world, including my husband, that really truly understands me. I don't know if it's a genetic thing and he thinks the same way I do or what. But I do know that life would be lonely without him.
My younger son is like a clone of my husband. I can predict how he will feel about something just knowing how my husband thinks. It will be a comfort if/when I lose my husband to have my son.
So, those are two totally selfish reasons that I don't regret parenthood. I still don't like other people's children (sorry!), but I adore my own kids.
Last edited by Book Lover 21; 01-22-2015 at 10:56 AM..
Reason: sp
Location: Scott County, Tennessee/by way of Detroit
3,352 posts, read 2,824,164 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Wordsmith12
I recently told a friend of mine that I was on the fence about having kids.
His response: If you choose not to, who's going to take care of you when you get old?
It irks me to no end when people use this as a reason for having kids. Not only does it smack of selfishness, but in no way does having kids ensure you'll be taken care of in your later years. How do you explain all the nursing homes out there saturated with elderly folks?
You are so right... it doesn't insure you of being taken care of....I have one son who is 32 and he would NEVER take care of me....and he shouldn't have to....some sons would probably drop everything and help out....he wouldn't.... I can't even get him to keep in touch... His wife just announced on Facebook as coming "out of the closet" to say she is someone who never has felt there urge to have a child....I read that and it was like a punch in the gut...why she did that through social media I will never know...they are both doctors and they made their choice...I would never say anything to her..keep my trap shut... In the end it's your decision but don't listen to these people about when you are older....that is craziness....
I love kids but was always on the fence about them. When I was in my 20's and 30's I was more concerned about having a fantastic career versus having kids. I knew people who did both but also saw the dark side and that was these women who ended up leaving their career reluctantly to be full time mothers. Yes some want to do it but many I know were pressured into by their husbands. I knew I never had the interest in being a stay at home mom and some of these men wanted it that way. Even if both of us still had full time careers I knew it was likely I would end up doing more than him. Not to mention I have a weak stomach and couldn't deal with dirty diapers. Plus I get irritable with little sleep and a baby often is up all night.
I'm going to marry later in life (I am 43, about to turn 44)so my risks are higher and throw in the fact I have some health issues. My boyfriend has some issues too and he doesn't think he'd be able to father a child due to health issues. We've talked about adopting an older child but not sure or when. If I was to become pregnant we would accept it and won't be doing anything to prevent it if it happens (we are both Catholic)but likewise won't care if nothing happens. In the event we don't get married I would only seek out men with that same mentality (and without kids).
I had a child because I couldn't imagine not having one, simple as that. I couldn't see my life any other way, I always knew I wanted a family and knew I would be devastated and would never be truly happy if for some reason I didn't.
That said, I'm like you in some ways that you mentioned like being an introvert and needing my downtime. And from that perspective, let me tell you, it's been HARD sometimes. The first year, when he was a baby, it wasn't bad because it wasn't as mentally involving. But when you have a two, three, four year old running around talking, whining, demanding, asking questions, needing to be entertained, ALL day long, let me tell you it gets exhausting. And before I had him, I never imagined just how draining it can get - I was convinced that when it's YOUR child, it's all so adorable that you never get fed up with it. Ha! So yes, if you're like that, and if you're on the fence about having kids, I would say WAIT. Especially since you're a man and aren't biologically limited in time the way women are. Wait until you are absolutely sure you want a child. When you can't imagine NOT having one. Because even with starting at that point, it is hard. If you start off with being ambiguous, you may very well regret it down the road and wishing you made a different decision. If you decide to have kids, be prepared to have things different and to sacrifice your time and peace and quiet. It has to be worth it to you.
I always wanted kids, but through various circumstances, ended up having my one and only in my early 40s. So I had a very long go of it living a child-free life. It's a cliche and non-parents sometimes get frustrated when you try to explain, but you just truly cannot understand how much your life changes and how much you change as a person when you become a parent. I don't mean that as a reason why everyone has to have a kid, just that whatever anyone tells you, you won't understand it until you are living it, if that is the choice you make.
Personally, I love being a mom. That doesn't mean it's endless fun. The first few years can be unimaginably exhausting and grueling (with wonderful times too, of course!). But it gets better. My son is 10 now and pretty self sufficient. I have a lot more time to myself, although I also truly enjoy his company and like to do activities with him.
I think the reality is that both sides have their pros and cons, and chances are you will have times you regret the choice you made, either way. And times where you couldn't imagine your life any other way.
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