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On the one hand, I relish the low- maintenance life I have now. I am a hardcore introvert who needs his alone time and dislikes social gatherings. I have never been much of a kid person to begin with. I'm the youngest of 3 and didn't grow up around younger kids/babies. I am not stingy with money, as I frequently donate to charities, but I'll be the first to admit I am stingy with my time. Sundays in my book are for reading, writing, and watching TV.
However, I sometimes have paternal twinges that lead me to think that once I have a kid (I want a daughter), I will break out of my comfort zone and make my child the center of my universe.
The fact of the matter is that my risk-averse nature keeps me in check. There are so many unfavorable things that could happen when you have a kid (stress, less sex, child could turn out unruly or with health issues/disabilities, marital problems, etc) that I often ask myself why I would bother altering the relaxing, low-hassle life I have now.
1. For those of you who opted to have kids: Be honest. What are some things that you don't necessarily love about parenthood? Do you have regrets? Would you advise someone who's on the fence to think very carefully before taking the leap?
2. For those of you who opted not to have kids: Why did you choose not to have any? Are you happy with that decision, or do you at times feel pangs of regret?
Your thoughts and worries are pretty realistic.
I am also an introvert that likes alone time, and am not a big "kid" person either.
If you have a kid, it might not be a daughter, so be prepared for that possibility.
Yes, more stress, less sex, a child with health problems, and a rocky patch in the marriage all happened.
All of these issues have taught me a lot about myself. It is hard to put into words, but having a kid that is nothing like you, yet exactly like you at the same time really teaches you a lot about yourself, about other people, and about life. It is an experience that can't be compared to or replaced by anything else.
Oversensitive much? Obviously OP wants to the opinions from both sides of the fence. As for the answer to OP's question, I wasn't keen on the idea of being a mommy in the first place. It seemed like too much work with little or no reward, and a lot of negatives on top of that. I even took an informal poll from all the parents I knew. I asked them what they got out of being parents. They all told me that being a parent was "fulfilling" but I also heard a lot of complaining: how expensive they were, how much stress the kids caused them, how little Timmy got sick with this or that, how hard it was to find a babysitter, etc. . .
So I decided to concentrate on my education/career and see if I might change my mind later. Many women told me that sometimes they don't want kids when they are younger but decide they want them later on. Not having kids when I was in my 20s ended up being a blessing in disguise. A few years later, I had a head injury that shattered any hopes I might have had of having my own biological kids. And had I had my own by then, it would have made their lives and my own much more difficult.
OP, you sound like you really don't want children. I suggest you don't have them unless you are 100% committed to having kids from moment one. They are a huge committment, and once you have them, there is no undo button. As a kid with an on again, off again father, I know from experience it hurts very deeply to have a flake for a dad. So don't become a parent if you're not sure.
It's not about being oversensitive - I'm not even sure what you mean by that. For years when these questions come up, I (along with most parents here) clearly advise people not to have children they don't want. The way the question was posed, was to encourage negative responses. Which to me seems to indicate (as others have pointed out as well - and what his previous thread also indicates) he doesn't want children but also doesn't want to have any regrets. All the big choices in life come with the potential for regret. Regardless of his choice, he may regret it. There is no way to guarantee he won't. Honestly of the two potential regrets available, I would rather he regretted not having children than regretted having children. No one should feel their existence is regretted by their parents. No one.
He indicated he was risk-averse - I think he's trying to hedge his bet. There's a saying that you can't get to second base and keep your foot on first. At some point, he's gonna have to take his foot off first - what second looks like is up to him.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Wmsn4Life
It was a very relevant point. The two questions could not be written with more biased language, and the OP in fact answered his own question by wording them that way. Ironic for such a "wordsmith."
OP, there are many, MANY ways to cure boredom, and kids should not be something that scratches an itch.
If you have to talk yourself into it, you shouldn't be a parent.
Thank you - exactly. Although I think it's great that people put serious thought into serious decisions such as this - and well they should. But the OPs words never seem to indicate that it's something he really wants to do - and he's a self-identified "wordsmith" so I'm presuming that his words are well considered.
And there is absolutely nothing wrong with not wanting and having children. The issue with the OP (if I recall) is that his wife DOES want them.
Last edited by maciesmom; 01-22-2015 at 07:06 PM..
I had SIX kids 4 boys and 2 girls 13 -31 and there is no WAY I would do that again . I was married twice , 3 kids with each and I realize my life went downhill when I had my first son. My mother in laws were total nightmares . I had no extended family on my side so i was like fresh meat thrown to hungry lions ( my mother in laws ) FINALLY after my 5th the GP finally figure out that the pills they'd been pumping into me had NEVER worked due to my IBS and crohns ( sp) and they were surprised I didn't have SIXTEEN kids . My last one was due to an intentionally damaged condom by my ex husband who didn't want me to leave . I took her and left . Both my divorces were difficult and each ex offered the children everything but a Bentley. So they went and listened to years of untruths about me .
I wish none of this had ever happened .
I moved to Europe and married one last time. I am 52. We will never have kids and he adopted my youngest . The rest do not talk to me unless they want money .Thank goodness I am still in good shape I am trying to catch up in a career I love that had been on fire before I had kids , half assed after I had the kids and now trying t pick up the pieces of it again . I love them but I'd never do it again .
I had SIX kids 4 boys and 2 girls 13 -31 and there is no WAY I would do that again . I was married twice , 3 kids with each and I realize my life went downhill when I had my first son. My mother in laws were total nightmares . I had no extended family on my side so i was like fresh meat thrown to hungry lions ( my mother in laws ) FINALLY after my 5th the GP finally figure out that the pills they'd been pumping into me had NEVER worked due to my IBS and crohns ( sp) and they were surprised I didn't have SIXTEEN kids . My last one was due to an intentionally damaged condom by my ex husband who didn't want me to leave . I took her and left . Both my divorces were difficult and each ex offered the children everything but a Bentley. So they went and listened to years of untruths about me .
I wish none of this had ever happened .
I moved to Europe and married one last time. I am 52. We will never have kids and he adopted my youngest . The rest do not talk to me unless they want money .Thank goodness I am still in good shape I am trying to catch up in a career I love that had been on fire before I had kids , half assed after I had the kids and now trying t pick up the pieces of it again . I love them but I'd never do it again .
I had SIX kids 4 boys and 2 girls 13 -31 and there is no WAY I would do that again . I was married twice , 3 kids with each and I realize my life went downhill when I had my first son. My mother in laws were total nightmares . I had no extended family on my side so i was like fresh meat thrown to hungry lions ( my mother in laws ) FINALLY after my 5th the GP finally figure out that the pills they'd been pumping into me had NEVER worked due to my IBS and crohns ( sp) and they were surprised I didn't have SIXTEEN kids . My last one was due to an intentionally damaged condom by my ex husband who didn't want me to leave . I took her and left . Both my divorces were difficult and each ex offered the children everything but a Bentley. So they went and listened to years of untruths about me .
I wish none of this had ever happened .
I moved to Europe and married one last time. I am 52. We will never have kids and he adopted my youngest . The rest do not talk to me unless they want money .Thank goodness I am still in good shape I am trying to catch up in a career I love that had been on fire before I had kids , half assed after I had the kids and now trying t pick up the pieces of it again . I love them but I'd never do it again .
If birth control pills failed me once or twice, I'd have found another method. Just sayin'
Everyone except for the mentally disturbed should have children. The Bible says to be fruitful and multiply. Human beings are supposed to reproduce; we are biologically designed to want children and it is essential to our survival. Thus those who voluntarily refuse to bear children are in a way, mentally disordered since they are refusing to align with their natural roles. Many first world nations have been having problems due to a low birth rate and high rates of childlessness.
Seriously? Oh my goodness. I really had to check and see what year it was again. 2015, NOT 1898.
Consider me mentally disturbed then and very happy about it.
To the OP, I didn't want kids because I just plain don't like them. Now, I get along with them fine, but not to take them home and see to their needs. I can't stand needy kids pulling on me. A crying baby makes my hair stand on end and I want to run for the hills.
I am so happy it's much more acceptable for people to question wanting children today. When I was 20, if I said I didn't want kids, I was practically tarred and feathered. I'm so glad I never had any and a lot of the younger women who were trying to convince me otherwise now regret their choices. So no, I am not the loving, happy aunt that plays mommy to someone else's kids. I just feel relief that I listened to my gut feeling and didn't give into pressure from everybody.
1. For those of you who opted to have kids: Be honest. What are some things that you don't necessarily love about parenthood?
I don't love how expensive it is raising two kids! But I'm nearing the finish line as my younger is turning 17 soon. But wait, he'll get is driver's license soon, oh crap....
Quote:
Do you have regrets?
That I didn't have kids sooner. I was 34 when our first was born.
Quote:
Would you advise someone who's on the fence to think very carefully before taking the leap?
No, I'd say go for it. Our first was a surprise!
If you really didn't want kids you wouldn't be asking for advice. You will regret it when you're 60 and childless. Nieces and nephews aren't the same as sons and daughters.
On the one hand, I relish the low- maintenance life I have now. I am a hardcore introvert who needs his alone time and dislikes social gatherings. I have never been much of a kid person to begin with. I'm the youngest of 3 and didn't grow up around younger kids/babies. I am not stingy with money, as I frequently donate to charities, but I'll be the first to admit I am stingy with my time. Sundays in my book are for reading, writing, and watching TV.
However, I sometimes have paternal twinges that lead me to think that once I have a kid (I want a daughter), I will break out of my comfort zone and make my child the center of my universe.
The fact of the matter is that my risk-averse nature keeps me in check. There are so many unfavorable things that could happen when you have a kid (stress, less sex, child could turn out unruly or with health issues/disabilities, marital problems, etc) that I often ask myself why I would bother altering the relaxing, low-hassle life I have now.
1. For those of you who opted to have kids: Be honest. What are some things that you don't necessarily love about parenthood? Do you have regrets? Would you advise someone who's on the fence to think very carefully before taking the leap?
2. For those of you who opted not to have kids: Why did you choose not to have any? Are you happy with that decision, or do you at times feel pangs of regret?
I have three children. I feel strongly that raising children is NOT for everyone. It is incredibly high-maintenance. You are responsible for their life and well-being, ensuring their safety, education and character. It is a HUGE undertaking. No parent knows just how big of a role it is until they become one.
You like alone time? Good luck finding some time to yourself with a child. That child will want to be with you and will need you. To an extent children need parents to be willing to make social connections on their behalf. In time you will realize it won't be fair to the kid to spend your Sundays inside reading when your child wants to play outside or go on an outing. Weeknights will be for homework, family dinner, bedtime. Hours after work will be very busy.
I will be honest. I used to be very selfish and loved my time for myself. My hours off work were for me. I questioned my own ability to be able to adjust to motherhood. What made having children right for me was the fact that I had always envisioned having a family. I worked very long hours in my profession, and I was ready to embrace another chapter of my life. I wanted to be a hippy sahm, and now I am. I am fortunate that it has worked out as I had planned. But I wanted it. I had to learn patience. I had to learn how to put aside my own stress and fatigue and give to my children because they need me. It is a long hard journey, but it is a life lesson that I want, I chose and I now embrace.
Just as there are no guarantees in life, there are no guarantees in life with children, and you have to be willing to accept that if you choose to bring children into your life. There are risks. Bad things happen. Your heart can be ripped apart. Your life can be destroyed when you love something so much. On the other hand, you love something that much! It is wonderful! Think long and hard about that one!
I wish everyone gave so much thought to parenthood as you are before having kids.
OP: from one introvert to another, the hardest part of parenting has been not getting the alone time I need on a regular basis. It's not too bad when they're babies, and you may luck out and have a couple of introverted kids... alas, I am surrounded by extroverts at home.
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