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Old 01-08-2008, 08:30 AM
 
Location: Dallas, Texas
3,589 posts, read 2,974,016 times
Reputation: 533

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Yep, the BF has turned into a fiance and I'm meeting his kids the Sunday after this one. I'm freaking terrified.

Any tips on how to handle just this first meeting? My fiance finalized his divorce within the last couple of weeks and the divorce was pretty bitter; lots of bad feelings on both sides. He and his ex do their best to not fight in front of their daughters (who are 4 and 6) but it still does happen from time to time...usually instigated by his ex-wife.

The girls are still apparently hopeful that daddy will move back home because they miss him a lot and the younger one asked Santa for "lots of daddies" for Christmas because she doesn't get to see hers as often as she wants. He sees them three times a week and starting soon will have custody of them every other weekend, plus he'll visit them during the week. My fear is that they'll meet me and immediately see me as a threat. There's no chance of their parents getting back together, but they're little and don't see the shades of grey; just black and white. Daddy has a new girlfriend = Daddy won't get back together with Mommy = New girlfriend is baaaaaaad.

Opinions? Suggestions?
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Old 01-08-2008, 08:44 AM
 
1,363 posts, read 5,342,463 times
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Have something fun planned and play with them. Don't kiss and hug their dad a lot in front of them at the first meeting-like not even holding hands. Just keep it simple. If they ask you questions, "Are you gonna marry my daddy? You know you're not my mommy?" Just be honest and don't make a big deal over it. Just be nice and don't show fear-they'll pounce all over that. LOL-J/K. Have fun!!!

I used to tell my mom, in front of my step-father, if I had three wishes I would only use one and it would be for her and my dad to be back together. LOL. Step-dad was a wonderful guy, and totally didn't deserve stuff like that, but he just let it roll off his back. My sister called him "dad" the first time we met him and he told her right from the get go he was not her father. She had one and he was not looking to take his place.


And congrats on your engagement!!
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Old 01-08-2008, 09:14 AM
 
Location: Dallas, Texas
3,589 posts, read 2,974,016 times
Reputation: 533
Quote:
Originally Posted by regarese View Post
Have something fun planned and play with them. Don't kiss and hug their dad a lot in front of them at the first meeting-like not even holding hands. Just keep it simple. If they ask you questions, "Are you gonna marry my daddy? You know you're not my mommy?" Just be honest and don't make a big deal over it. Just be nice and don't show fear-they'll pounce all over that. LOL-J/K. Have fun!!!

I used to tell my mom, in front of my step-father, if I had three wishes I would only use one and it would be for her and my dad to be back together. LOL. Step-dad was a wonderful guy, and totally didn't deserve stuff like that, but he just let it roll off his back. My sister called him "dad" the first time we met him and he told her right from the get go he was not her father. She had one and he was not looking to take his place.


And congrats on your engagement!!
Thanks for the tips, I will keep all of it in mind.
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Old 01-08-2008, 10:09 AM
 
Location: makin' bacon
3,340 posts, read 2,552,980 times
Reputation: 1483
I agree that showing affection would be a bad idea at least for a while. I would just try to act natural, show an interest in what they like to do and spend some time doing those activities with them.
Good luck and congratulations!
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Old 01-08-2008, 11:51 AM
 
Location: Twilight Zone
875 posts, read 759,721 times
Reputation: 69
Quote:
Originally Posted by nativeDallasite View Post
Yep, the BF has turned into a fiance and I'm meeting his kids the Sunday after this one. I'm freaking terrified.

Any tips on how to handle just this first meeting? My fiance finalized his divorce within the last couple of weeks and the divorce was pretty bitter; lots of bad feelings on both sides. He and his ex do their best to not fight in front of their daughters (who are 4 and 6) but it still does happen from time to time...usually instigated by his ex-wife.

The girls are still apparently hopeful that daddy will move back home because they miss him a lot and the younger one asked Santa for "lots of daddies" for Christmas because she doesn't get to see hers as often as she wants. He sees them three times a week and starting soon will have custody of them every other weekend, plus he'll visit them during the week. My fear is that they'll meet me and immediately see me as a threat. There's no chance of their parents getting back together, but they're little and don't see the shades of grey; just black and white. Daddy has a new girlfriend = Daddy won't get back together with Mommy = New girlfriend is baaaaaaad.

Opinions? Suggestions?
Congrats on your engagement! My suggestion is the same as the others - don't show affection in front of the girls. Just be friends with them and really don't expect much in return.

If they mention their mother, be supportive in what they say about her.

I remember when I was in the same situation.....my future step-son (age 8 at the time) once told me (when I was filling him in on the rules in my home), you're not my mom, you can't boss me around. I stated very simply that no, I wasn't his mother nor was I trying to be, but it was my home, and I did make the rules in my home. He never said anything like that again.

I wouldn't mention anything to the girls about getting married just yet.

Good luck!
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Old 01-08-2008, 05:19 PM
 
3,107 posts, read 8,032,106 times
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I don't have any experience at all in this arena but sounds like you got a lot of sound advice. Good luck and CONGRATULATIONS!
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Old 01-09-2008, 12:26 PM
 
Location: Chicago
2,467 posts, read 11,120,545 times
Reputation: 851
Definitely just be relaxed and if they do treat you oddly (aren't interested or are mean), just smile and brush it off. Have fun activities plan, always support positive things they say about their parents, and answer their questions honestly. Also, I can almost guarentee they will not be terribly fond of you or won't get what's going on. Just don't take it personally.

Last edited by jessiegirl_98; 01-10-2008 at 07:04 PM.. Reason: spelling
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Old 01-09-2008, 12:39 PM
 
Location: Dallas TX & AL Gulf Coast
6,848 posts, read 9,819,003 times
Reputation: 33334
Congratulations nD!

Just trust your instincts with the girls... you're very intelligent so I know you'll do just fine. Just let it all develop slowly.

Also, as you're probably already aware, once the ex finds out (and trust me, she will from the girls), things may hit the fan and get rocky. So, just be a good girl scout and "be prepared"!

Wishing all of you the best and blessings to all!
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Old 01-10-2008, 09:59 AM
 
Location: Florida
278 posts, read 818,647 times
Reputation: 170
Maybe you could also bring an age appropriate game/craft gift that you could do together. That way, you can get to know each other with a 'buffer'.
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Old 01-10-2008, 11:47 AM
 
Location: Texas
690 posts, read 2,354,613 times
Reputation: 451
I absolutely agree with the above advice about curbing affection towards Daddy, for a while. My advice would be to be honest with them. Treat them as people you are genuinely interested in knowing more about and answer any questions they ask as honestly and openly as you can (to a point, of course!).

You'll do just fine. Congratulations on your new family.
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