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Old 05-23-2010, 02:53 PM
 
Location: colorado
2,788 posts, read 4,334,619 times
Reputation: 3313

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Quote:
Originally Posted by ksaunmt View Post
My son is 18, we have constantly been in battle with him, since he was 5. He hated school, but he did graduate. He is now a lazy, unmotivated slug. Over the holidays he got kicked out of our home, he came back after a week, promising to change, and for a couple of weeks, things went well. Last night he stayed out all night again. One of our rules is to find a job and come home Sunday through Thursday. He chose not to. I know the right thing is to throw him out and stick with it, but my heart is breaking and I feel like I am dying. I don't want to do it. My husband says if we don't, I am enabling his behavior, I know he is right. How do I be okay with myself after it is done? I know he has nowhere to go, we live in a very cold climate, he has no job, his cars heater doesn't work and people do freeze to death here. How can I do it? I love him, but I am sick of being treated like this by him. Please give me advice, I need strength. I know it needs to be done if I ever want him to be an adult. Although he is consistent in saying "I am 18 Mom, I can do what I want". Help me, I need advice on how to be strong and do the right thing.

Thanks

I know your getting lots of advice to kick him..I say NO he may be 18 but he is a kid still. Dont give up on him. Let him know in life there are consquences for our actions. My son was 17 acting like a jerk at times but I didnt give up on him. He is now 21 and in college. Needless to say he did get his girlfriend pregnant at the age of 17 and she was 15 Ive never seen 2 kids grow up so fast as they did. Both are in college and doing what they have too. Getting pregnant isnt the answer, but needs some kind of life change for him to grow up. Sometimes we hurt the ones that are closest to us. Im sure deep in his heart he dont mean to hurt you. Can he do stuff around the house to earn his keep until he finds a job. Tell him everyday you love him.. Say to him I love you even when you act this way. Would he volunteer somewhere to show him how lucky he is to have a mom who loves him..to have a warm house to come home too. ??
I wish you and your son the best..


Remember if we feed negative thoughts in our kids heads we tell them we dont care and soon they wont care..
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Old 05-24-2010, 08:43 AM
 
Location: NYC
1,758 posts, read 1,661,728 times
Reputation: 1209
What's going that you're fighting with a 5 year old? It almost sounds like he was doomed from the start.
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Old 05-26-2010, 07:24 AM
 
Location: Westchester County
1,096 posts, read 1,369,083 times
Reputation: 966
Quote:
Originally Posted by stormy night View Post
If I was being taken advantage of by my 18 year old son who has no desire to take care of his own business, I WOULD throw him out, I WOULD search his personal belongings as long as they were in MY house, and he wouldn't be enjoying too many utilities (at least those valued by 18 year old boys, i.e. video games, TV, stereo, things like that).

Damn Right!!
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Old 05-16-2012, 07:22 AM
 
1 posts, read 3,858 times
Reputation: 10
Quote:
Originally Posted by ksaunmt View Post
My son is 18, we have constantly been in battle with him, since he was 5. He hated school, but he did graduate. He is now a lazy, unmotivated slug. Over the holidays he got kicked out of our home, he came back after a week, promising to change, and for a couple of weeks, things went well. Last night he stayed out all night again. One of our rules is to find a job and come home Sunday through Thursday. He chose not to. I know the right thing is to throw him out and stick with it, but my heart is breaking and I feel like I am dying. I don't want to do it. My husband says if we don't, I am enabling his behavior, I know he is right. How do I be okay with myself after it is done? I know he has nowhere to go, we live in a very cold climate, he has no job, his cars heater doesn't work and people do freeze to death here. How can I do it? I love him, but I am sick of being treated like this by him. Please give me advice, I need strength. I know it needs to be done if I ever want him to be an adult. Although he is consistent in saying "I am 18 Mom, I can do what I want". Help me, I need advice on how to be strong and do the right thing.

Thanks
That's your own flesh and blood, don't kick him out, give him another chance, our children needs a foundation, without a foundation they can't stand alone, he's only 18 yrs old. My son was a little bit like that but we talked to him a lot and he changed,he's now a 20 year old young man and working at the USPS as a Window Clerk. I love my son and those words like "get out,you're 18 " will not come out of my mouth, no way, this is United States I don't want my son to be homeless. But no matter how old are my own children i would not want to kick them out if they don't have a place to go. I'm not that kind and i think it has something to do with my culture.
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Old 05-18-2012, 04:56 PM
 
Location: North Carolina
102 posts, read 276,807 times
Reputation: 221
You are enabling him. Here's what you say, "Yes, you are 18, and since you seem to think of yourself as a responsible and mature adult capable of functioning independently, you will begin to act like one. If you continue living under my roof, you will abide by my rules. If you decide that you cannot be imposed upon to respect me and my rules, feel free to get out, find your own dwelling place, and get a job. If you remain here, you will get a job, you will respect my rules, and you will be responsible and mature. If you think that's too much to handle, leave."
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Old 05-18-2012, 05:22 PM
 
Location: Los Angeles>Little Rock>Houston>Little Rock
6,488 posts, read 6,806,062 times
Reputation: 17358
The OP posted this four years ago. I hope the kid has his act together by now.
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Old 05-19-2012, 10:12 AM
 
47,576 posts, read 59,891,066 times
Reputation: 22228
Quote:
Originally Posted by laramero View Post
That's your own flesh and blood, don't kick him out, give him another chance, our children needs a foundation, without a foundation they can't stand alone, he's only 18 yrs old. My son was a little bit like that but we talked to him a lot and he changed,he's now a 20 year old young man and working at the USPS as a Window Clerk. I love my son and those words like "get out,you're 18 " will not come out of my mouth, no way, this is United States I don't want my son to be homeless. But no matter how old are my own children i would not want to kick them out if they don't have a place to go. I'm not that kind and i think it has something to do with my culture.
Only if you can count on providing for your child the rest of his/her life. There's a problem in that -- parents often get old and even die.

I know a family that is facing this issue right now - the parents couldn't bear to throw the wayward daughter out. She has an on-off drinking problem, can't hold down a job, hasn't worried about holding down a job because she had a free place to live and dear sweet dad would always make sure she had food to eat, even provided her a phone and vehicle so she could try to get a job. The mother died a number of years ago, and now the father has died and this 55 year old woman no longer has anyone to take care of her, pay her bills. She has siblings but none of them are exactly eager about becoming her new enabler and the siblings all have families of their own.

It's best to do the tough love at the appropriate age because you may not always be there to take care of adult children you allowed to remain helpless.
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Old 05-19-2012, 03:26 PM
 
Location: southwest TN
8,210 posts, read 14,649,640 times
Reputation: 14888
The "kid" is now 22 and I assume the OP has made a decision as to kicking him out or not.

This thread is 4 years old.
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Old 04-16-2015, 06:11 AM
 
4 posts, read 3,927 times
Reputation: 10
Default My Husband gave my son a choice

I need some advice. So my husband is very old fashion and was always to himself. My son and my husband never saw eye to eye on things. Always had different opinions on subjects. My son always felt he was right.
My son always did good in school but he did not got the praise he needed from his father. Both my husband and I were raised Catholic, we made both my daughter and son go through the sacraments. I never really went to church I stopped for awhile but I still believe in my faith. At 17 my son decided to go back to church,
he was going every Sunday and while in college he continued to go and even joined a religion group. When he was home for the summer we told him he needed to look for a job. I even found something for him but he declined because it interfered with Church. This was very upsetting to my husband. My husband was concerned that this religion was going to affect his school work. He truly bothered my husband that my son was going to church. My son was always respectful does not drink or take drugs and rarely went out, he is a good kid. At the age of 19, my husband gave my son a choice he said while you are living under my roof I do not want you going to church. He told my son I don't care while your away at college or elsewhere what you
do But those are my rules. I will give you shelter help you financially but I cant support this church thing. My Son was upset and told me "my father is not going to take away my god from me. I am going to leave". My son was so upset that I didn't stop my husband and that I let him kick my son out. He is now staying with family in a folding bed in the living room. This as become a burden on them too, but my son has nowhere to go. My husband will not talk to his son and he tells me he has no son. My son is 21 does not work still goes to college and lives off what ever money he gets from family. My daughter who still lives with us tells me we are not a family, and I know she is hurting too. My son tells everyone his father threw him out and that he has been mentally abused. My son will never come back to his home and does not want to see his father. they have not talked for over a year now.
I know my son is very hurt, I feel that going to church is his right although I worry that he does too much with religion and does not look to help himself in work. He is now not doing that well in college. At home when I look at my husband I'm constantly reminded about the hurt he caused. At the holidays I chose to be with my family and son and I left my husband home. I felt I could not abandon my son. I cant continue living like this. I am broken inside. My son needs a home. Am I wrong, I'm starting to think maybe I should leave my husband and be there for my children even though they are adults. Should I now give my husband an ultimatum. Some advise is needed please
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Old 04-16-2015, 03:48 PM
 
15,255 posts, read 16,538,805 times
Reputation: 25403
Quote:
Originally Posted by worried5 View Post
I need some advice. So my husband is very old fashion and was always to himself. My son and my husband never saw eye to eye on things. Always had different opinions on subjects. My son always felt he was right.
My son always did good in school but he did not got the praise he needed from his father. Both my husband and I were raised Catholic, we made both my daughter and son go through the sacraments. I never really went to church I stopped for awhile but I still believe in my faith. At 17 my son decided to go back to church,
he was going every Sunday and while in college he continued to go and even joined a religion group. When he was home for the summer we told him he needed to look for a job. I even found something for him but he declined because it interfered with Church. This was very upsetting to my husband. My husband was concerned that this religion was going to affect his school work. He truly bothered my husband that my son was going to church. My son was always respectful does not drink or take drugs and rarely went out, he is a good kid. At the age of 19, my husband gave my son a choice he said while you are living under my roof I do not want you going to church. He told my son I don't care while your away at college or elsewhere what you
do But those are my rules. I will give you shelter help you financially but I cant support this church thing. My Son was upset and told me "my father is not going to take away my god from me. I am going to leave". My son was so upset that I didn't stop my husband and that I let him kick my son out. He is now staying with family in a folding bed in the living room. This as become a burden on them too, but my son has nowhere to go. My husband will not talk to his son and he tells me he has no son. My son is 21 does not work still goes to college and lives off what ever money he gets from family. My daughter who still lives with us tells me we are not a family, and I know she is hurting too. My son tells everyone his father threw him out and that he has been mentally abused. My son will never come back to his home and does not want to see his father. they have not talked for over a year now.
I know my son is very hurt, I feel that going to church is his right although I worry that he does too much with religion and does not look to help himself in work. He is now not doing that well in college. At home when I look at my husband I'm constantly reminded about the hurt he caused. At the holidays I chose to be with my family and son and I left my husband home. I felt I could not abandon my son. I cant continue living like this. I am broken inside. My son needs a home. Am I wrong, I'm starting to think maybe I should leave my husband and be there for my children even though they are adults. Should I now give my husband an ultimatum. Some advise is needed please
You should start your own thread because most people will read only the original post and reply to that.

I'm sorry about the situation with your son. Do you have a way to support yourself if you left your husband? No point in plunging all of you into poverty by leaving. Can your son get financial aid so that he can live on his own, or with roommates? Your son's religion is his business, but he is old enough to get a job and shoulder and he ought to be able to find one that doesn't interfere with church.
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