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Old 01-23-2008, 08:14 PM
 
Location: Papillion
2,584 posts, read 9,365,866 times
Reputation: 889

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Quote:
Originally Posted by RoaminRed View Post
And when he gets sent off to the front lines because he has no education and no skill at anything? What then? She'll see her son coming home in a body bag because she thought the military could "make him a man".

The odds of a body bag are so slim. Look at the hundreds of thousands that have gone over and faithfully served.

If she keeps enabling him then he could just be in a body bag from drugs/guns/violence on the street later in life because she thought protecting him could protect her little boy.

I would much rather have my son (and yes I have one that same age) join the military and proudly serve his country and become a man. Would I hate it if something happened to him, of course but I would be so proud of him.
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Old 01-24-2008, 12:59 AM
 
Location: Seattle, WA
1,368 posts, read 5,881,925 times
Reputation: 534
Quote:
Originally Posted by Dave1215 View Post
The odds of a body bag are so slim. Look at the hundreds of thousands that have gone over and faithfully served.

If she keeps enabling him then he could just be in a body bag from drugs/guns/violence on the street later in life because she thought protecting him could protect her little boy.

I would much rather have my son (and yes I have one that same age) join the military and proudly serve his country and become a man. Would I hate it if something happened to him, of course but I would be so proud of him.
Preface: Im 20. I have multiple friends in the military. Some of have been wounded. None have been killed.

I considered joining the military. My father adamantly opposed it, promising to fund my college, etc if that was the issue... (which he had already agreed to do years before) I ended up deciding against it, and I think I made the right choice. I did take a year off between HS and college, and I worked. Here was the deal when I lived at home.

I owed rent. $350/mo. If I wanted food, I had to be on-time to the dinner table in the evenings. This didn't work out because of my work schedule usually, but I sometimes made breakfast if I got off work late enough. If I didn't pay that, I have every belief that my father would have had me leave. I'm also sure that he knew that I knew there were shelters around, and that I could go stay there if necessary.


Your son needs to start LOOKING for a job, putting in applications, trying to set up interviews, etc. Jobs don't always happen within a week. But, he better be showing that he's trying, getting letters of recommendation if possible, etc. Start charging him rent. And if he doesn't pay, drop him off at a shelter if nothing else.

And heres why this works, and while Im sure its heart-wrenching for any parent, the deal is simply that, if you kick him to the street. He hopefully gets the hint and gets his act together. If he doesn't, then he's in the right spot to be getting the support that he may need, and that you're unable to provide. Because whatever you're providing isn't working to get him on his feet. And the key goal is to get him on his feet. If what you're doing, isn't working, turn it over to someone else who has experience trying to do exactly that.

IF and when he gets his act together, establish a rent, rules, etc. and same thing. If he breaks them, then he goes to the curb. He can find friends, he can do whatever. You can remain there in support of him, but without enabling him.
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Old 01-24-2008, 01:56 AM
 
167 posts, read 235,148 times
Reputation: 302
When a friend of mine went throught this same situation, she took her son to the local homeless shelter. They both helped to prepare and serve the free lunch meal. Afterwards she asked to speak to the manager who over sees the shelter. This was a eye opener for not only her, but for her son also. She actually was able to show her son what life was like on the street. She also showed him the kind of life one leads when they do not have a job. Doing this also gave her a sort of peace in knowing that he had the knowledge of where to go and what to do if she was to kick him out. This also let him know that she was totally serious about kicking him. He did quickly get a job that he lost almost as fast as he found it. He has had several jobs since then, but he continues to find employment. They argue about his not being able to support his self and about his inability to save. I suggested to her what I do with my 16 year old. When he receives his paycheck he must put half of it into savings, he gives 10% to church, and the remaining amount is his to spend. Since he is only paid bi-weekly, he knows that he must split that amount and save half of it for the second week. He pays for the things that he wants, and I pay for the things that he needs.

They still butt heads on several issues, but things for them have settledown a bit. He's now 25 years old and she feels he's finally starting to find his way. I think that it is sad when we don't expect more of our children, and help them to plan for their futures. If we are always doing everything for them, how can they ever find out how good or hard life can be, and why would they want to know?

best of luck...lisa
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Old 01-24-2008, 09:22 AM
 
Location: Papillion
2,584 posts, read 9,365,866 times
Reputation: 889
Quote:
Originally Posted by Radek View Post
Preface: Im 20. I have multiple friends in the military. Some of have been wounded. None have been killed.

I considered joining the military. My father adamantly opposed it, promising to fund my college, etc if that was the issue... (which he had already agreed to do years before) I ended up deciding against it, and I think I made the right choice. I did take a year off between HS and college, and I worked. Here was the deal when I lived at home.

I owed rent. $350/mo. If I wanted food, I had to be on-time to the dinner table in the evenings. This didn't work out because of my work schedule usually, but I sometimes made breakfast if I got off work late enough. If I didn't pay that, I have every belief that my father would have had me leave. I'm also sure that he knew that I knew there were shelters around, and that I could go stay there if necessary.


Your son needs to start LOOKING for a job, putting in applications, trying to set up interviews, etc. Jobs don't always happen within a week. But, he better be showing that he's trying, getting letters of recommendation if possible, etc. Start charging him rent. And if he doesn't pay, drop him off at a shelter if nothing else.

And heres why this works, and while Im sure its heart-wrenching for any parent, the deal is simply that, if you kick him to the street. He hopefully gets the hint and gets his act together. If he doesn't, then he's in the right spot to be getting the support that he may need, and that you're unable to provide. Because whatever you're providing isn't working to get him on his feet. And the key goal is to get him on his feet. If what you're doing, isn't working, turn it over to someone else who has experience trying to do exactly that.

IF and when he gets his act together, establish a rent, rules, etc. and same thing. If he breaks them, then he goes to the curb. He can find friends, he can do whatever. You can remain there in support of him, but without enabling him.

Thank you for this post and for your willingness to serve (even if you didn't). Also, thank you for your young wisdom into this situation, you are wise.
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Old 01-25-2008, 12:43 AM
 
Location: Seattle, WA
1,368 posts, read 5,881,925 times
Reputation: 534
Quote:
Originally Posted by Dave1215 View Post
Thank you for this post and for your willingness to serve (even if you didn't). Also, thank you for your young wisdom into this situation, you are wise.
Thanks for your comments.
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Old 09-30-2008, 10:31 AM
 
Location: Up in a cedar tree.
1,618 posts, read 5,847,593 times
Reputation: 556
Tell your son that the Military is hiring. They'll make a respectable man out of him! Or better yet, ask a recruiter to come over when he's on the sofa eating up all your food!
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Old 09-30-2008, 10:46 AM
 
Location: NJ
9,217 posts, read 20,236,504 times
Reputation: 6325
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mike78613 View Post
Tell your son that the Military is hiring. They'll make a respectable man out of him! Or better yet, ask a recruiter to come over when he's on the sofa eating up all your food!
The last post was 01-25-2008
How on earth did you find this thread to pop it back up again? LOL
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Old 03-09-2009, 03:24 PM
 
12 posts, read 46,032 times
Reputation: 32
Wow! I just finally read all of the posts. We went through hell with my son in Dec 2007 Jan 2008, he got into trouble with the law. I have never experienced issues like that in my life. He got two misdermeaners basically for theft, I have two pet peeves in my home, no lying and no stealing, he did both. This is the most amazing part of his story. He is the son of my first husband, who he hasn't seen since he was 2. He has always been a difficult child, although usually loving, he would lie even when the truth was better. My current husband (who adopted him several years ago) and I were diligent on watching his behaviors, took him to therapists, multiple times, had meetings at schools, had so many issues. He is a red head and got bullied brutally, and he was in the time just before they really cared about bullying, plus his worst bully was the principal of the high schools son. I believe most of the reason he was bullied is because of his attitude, and it got worse with the bullying. So last January, I told him, get out you choose where. He went to my folks house in Oregon. Didn't get a job, then he got a felony, this is the saddest part. He was the most immature 18 year old I have ever met. I have another child, she is morally decent and communicates with us very well, as we do her. We are both at home all the time, my husband works from home and I don't work. So we always watch our children, we know who they hang around with and if they go to someones house we meet the parents go to the house, get phone numbers, verify an adult will be around. Just trying to be a good parent, somehow in spite of all efforts we somehow failed with our son. I do NOT condone breaking the law. He was celebrating his 18th birthday with a 15 year old in Oregon. He was smoking pot and they got the munchies. The kid he was with said "dude the school has food in it", so they walked into an unlocked door and got busted coming out. The 15 year old got expelled, nothing else, my son, being 19 now, got a Breaking and entrering felony, with a Burglary 2 charge. I have no idea what all that means, I refused to help him. We do not have major bucks sitting around to hire a lawyer. He plead guilty cause his court provided attorney told him to, so he got the felony, 18 months probation, no restitution cause they didn't break anything or get away with anything, 50 hours of community service, theft class, and a pot class. Now my son is basically "giving up" he says there is no hope for him. He is unemployable, he hates himself. He doesn't speak to me now and blames me because I sent him away. I disagreed with him, he made his choices. I don't think his punishment was correct for his crime, but I am a mom. In the meantime, I have this son who will be 20 in June, doesn't work, might go back to jail. Broke his arm in July, needed surgery had no benefits, didn't get surgery, smokes cigarettes and has the worst asthma. I have no idea why he is so self destructive, he is angry, hates me. Anyone out there know what you can do about a kid like this, trust me, this is NOT from a lack of parenting, this kid is genetically screwed up, he must be since his biological father rots in prison for drugs. My son does smoke pot, but he won't do meth. Well, thanks for all the previous posts, the military won't take him, felony and the asthma, broken arm and then a woman totaled his car in January by t-boning him and causing a back injury, he settled for $1,000. When will it stop? How can he get out from under this? I think he wants to, but even I have no idea what to say to him anymore.

Lost in fear about my son.
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Old 03-09-2009, 03:32 PM
 
Location: Texas
14,969 posts, read 13,773,323 times
Reputation: 4539
Quote:
Originally Posted by ksaunmt View Post
Wow! I just finally read all of the posts. We went through hell with my son in Dec 2007 Jan 2008, he got into trouble with the law. I have never experienced issues like that in my life. He got two misdermeaners basically for theft, I have two pet peeves in my home, no lying and no stealing, he did both. This is the most amazing part of his story. He is the son of my first husband, who he hasn't seen since he was 2. He has always been a difficult child, although usually loving, he would lie even when the truth was better. My current husband (who adopted him several years ago) and I were diligent on watching his behaviors, took him to therapists, multiple times, had meetings at schools, had so many issues. He is a red head and got bullied brutally, and he was in the time just before they really cared about bullying, plus his worst bully was the principal of the high schools son. I believe most of the reason he was bullied is because of his attitude, and it got worse with the bullying. So last January, I told him, get out you choose where. He went to my folks house in Oregon. Didn't get a job, then he got a felony, this is the saddest part. He was the most immature 18 year old I have ever met. I have another child, she is morally decent and communicates with us very well, as we do her. We are both at home all the time, my husband works from home and I don't work. So we always watch our children, we know who they hang around with and if they go to someones house we meet the parents go to the house, get phone numbers, verify an adult will be around. Just trying to be a good parent, somehow in spite of all efforts we somehow failed with our son. I do NOT condone breaking the law. He was celebrating his 18th birthday with a 15 year old in Oregon. He was smoking pot and they got the munchies. The kid he was with said "dude the school has food in it", so they walked into an unlocked door and got busted coming out. The 15 year old got expelled, nothing else, my son, being 19 now, got a Breaking and entrering felony, with a Burglary 2 charge. I have no idea what all that means, I refused to help him. We do not have major bucks sitting around to hire a lawyer. He plead guilty cause his court provided attorney told him to, so he got the felony, 18 months probation, no restitution cause they didn't break anything or get away with anything, 50 hours of community service, theft class, and a pot class. Now my son is basically "giving up" he says there is no hope for him. He is unemployable, he hates himself. He doesn't speak to me now and blames me because I sent him away. I disagreed with him, he made his choices. I don't think his punishment was correct for his crime, but I am a mom. In the meantime, I have this son who will be 20 in June, doesn't work, might go back to jail. Broke his arm in July, needed surgery had no benefits, didn't get surgery, smokes cigarettes and has the worst asthma. I have no idea why he is so self destructive, he is angry, hates me. Anyone out there know what you can do about a kid like this, trust me, this is NOT from a lack of parenting, this kid is genetically screwed up, he must be since his biological father rots in prison for drugs. My son does smoke pot, but he won't do meth. Well, thanks for all the previous posts, the military won't take him, felony and the asthma, broken arm and then a woman totaled his car in January by t-boning him and causing a back injury, he settled for $1,000. When will it stop? How can he get out from under this? I think he wants to, but even I have no idea what to say to him anymore.

Lost in fear about my son.
Does he still live with his grandparents? If he does, I'd ask them to meet with his probation officer and explore other options for him. I'd also ask them to remove him from their home. The PO can provide assistance on getting a job.

I would not help him with a thing other than drug treatment or counseling if he wants it. I would make every effort to pay for that even if it was a struggle. I would absolutely not allow him to return home.

Does he know his biological father? Does his biological father like jail (obviously most likely not)? Maybe you could arrange some type of visit between them where dad could explain what a hard road it is.

As sad as it is, you may just have to completely let him go. I'm beginning to think more and more that we need to raise the age of majority back to 21. 18-20 year olds are just too immature in many cases to handle their own lives and parents need to have more options to control these kids (and, yes, they are still kids). Unfortunately the way the law is now there is not a thing you can do. You have zero control and it might be best to just let go.

Last edited by afoigrokerkok; 03-09-2009 at 03:42 PM..
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Old 03-09-2009, 03:43 PM
 
1,481 posts, read 1,763,790 times
Reputation: 328
Quote:
Originally Posted by ksaunmt View Post
Wow! I just finally read all of the posts. We went through hell with my son in Dec 2007 Jan 2008, he got into trouble with the law. I have never experienced issues like that in my life. He got two misdermeaners basically for theft, I have two pet peeves in my home, no lying and no stealing, he did both. This is the most amazing part of his story. He is the son of my first husband, who he hasn't seen since he was 2. He has always been a difficult child, although usually loving, he would lie even when the truth was better. My current husband (who adopted him several years ago) and I were diligent on watching his behaviors, took him to therapists, multiple times, had meetings at schools, had so many issues. He is a red head and got bullied brutally, and he was in the time just before they really cared about bullying, plus his worst bully was the principal of the high schools son. I believe most of the reason he was bullied is because of his attitude, and it got worse with the bullying. So last January, I told him, get out you choose where. He went to my folks house in Oregon. Didn't get a job, then he got a felony, this is the saddest part. He was the most immature 18 year old I have ever met. I have another child, she is morally decent and communicates with us very well, as we do her. We are both at home all the time, my husband works from home and I don't work. So we always watch our children, we know who they hang around with and if they go to someones house we meet the parents go to the house, get phone numbers, verify an adult will be around. Just trying to be a good parent, somehow in spite of all efforts we somehow failed with our son. I do NOT condone breaking the law. He was celebrating his 18th birthday with a 15 year old in Oregon. He was smoking pot and they got the munchies. The kid he was with said "dude the school has food in it", so they walked into an unlocked door and got busted coming out. The 15 year old got expelled, nothing else, my son, being 19 now, got a Breaking and entrering felony, with a Burglary 2 charge. I have no idea what all that means, I refused to help him. We do not have major bucks sitting around to hire a lawyer. He plead guilty cause his court provided attorney told him to, so he got the felony, 18 months probation, no restitution cause they didn't break anything or get away with anything, 50 hours of community service, theft class, and a pot class. Now my son is basically "giving up" he says there is no hope for him. He is unemployable, he hates himself. He doesn't speak to me now and blames me because I sent him away. I disagreed with him, he made his choices. I don't think his punishment was correct for his crime, but I am a mom. In the meantime, I have this son who will be 20 in June, doesn't work, might go back to jail. Broke his arm in July, needed surgery had no benefits, didn't get surgery, smokes cigarettes and has the worst asthma. I have no idea why he is so self destructive, he is angry, hates me. Anyone out there know what you can do about a kid like this, trust me, this is NOT from a lack of parenting, this kid is genetically screwed up, he must be since his biological father rots in prison for drugs. My son does smoke pot, but he won't do meth. Well, thanks for all the previous posts, the military won't take him, felony and the asthma, broken arm and then a woman totaled his car in January by t-boning him and causing a back injury, he settled for $1,000. When will it stop? How can he get out from under this? I think he wants to, but even I have no idea what to say to him anymore.

Lost in fear about my son.
Oh, honey, I pray for you. You must be so sad.

Look up conduct disorders. There is a great site that helped me. It is conductdisorder dot com. I'm typing it out because you can't advertise here. I'm not advertising. Just know it will give you help. Go to the forum and look for parent emeritus...just for parents of kids over 18.

The people there are so helpful. You think you are alone, but you are not.

Hope this helps.
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