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Old 04-11-2009, 06:38 PM
 
9 posts, read 59,628 times
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I looked on this site to find help with my problem son. He is 19 years old, and since he was about 14 he's been awful to me. I am a single mother and of limited means, however, I have tried to do everything for him and my daughter and he has done nothing but make life miserable. I had tried to get him to talk to him, love him, spoil him, counseling, medication, you name it. It takes nothing to set him off, he has destroyed my home punching holes in all the walls, kicking the spindles out of my stairway, spitting at me, throwing food and drinks against walls, um, calling me horrible names, you just wouldn't believe it. I am trying to again repair yet more holes in the wall and he took a nutty today about his laundry and I told him to leave the house and don't come back. He threw a 16oz water bottle against the newly painted walls and left, (in the car that I am paying for both insurance and car payments). I locked the door so he couldn't get in and my daughter just called me to say that he had taken the trash can and dumped it all in my screened porch. Someone PLEASE TELL ME THROWING HIM OUT IS THE RIGHT THING. I am afraid I will cave.
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Old 04-11-2009, 06:52 PM
 
7 posts, read 28,873 times
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I can answer this from a different perspective. My brother and my dad had the same kinds of issues. My dad kicked him out. My brother's behavior stemmed from hurts he had suffered as a kid. Have you ever tried to find out why he is so angry or discontent? If not, you should. My dad never did and when he kicked my brother out it was for the same reasons as you. Adam was angry and could be violent at times. It made sense at the time, but now that he knows what was going on with my brother at the time, he sees now that kicking him out was the worst thing that he could have done. My brother needed my dad to stick with him and get him help. Once out of the house, he lived in homeless shelters and on the streets fro a few years. It changed his personality completely and he hates my dad.

Please don't misunderstand me, I get your dilemma, but kids don't just wake up with issues. Find out what's going on with your son and then see what can be done. If he really needs you, kicking him out will break him and you may never get your son back.
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Old 04-27-2009, 01:21 PM
 
12 posts, read 45,952 times
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Default Kicking out 18 year old son

I have written in here about my son several times. I have gotten a lot of the same advice, I appreciate all of you that take the time to give me a response. My son is now 19, he will turn 20 on 6/09. He is still living with my parents. He moved out of my house last February and he was mad at me for it. On his 19th birthday he and a 15 year old boy (same age mentally) were smoking pot and got the munchies. The boy the 15 year old suggested that they go into the high school cause it had cookies, pizza and ice cream, so they walked into an unlocked window and got caught on their way out. This is a Burg II in the state of Oregon apparently at least for my son, the 15 year old got expelled, nothing else. My son has been in and out of jail for probation violations, he is finally done with his community service, as of today, he has most all of his fines paid and the judge has given him 2 more years of probation, so he will be on probation until he is 22. I am angry about that, but I don't tell him. I see people rape children and get less time than my son and he didn't even eat any of the food, he walked into an unlocked door and didn't break anything. It is awful. I have no idea how he will ever get a job with a felony, they are bad.
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Old 04-27-2009, 01:23 PM
 
Location: southern california
55,237 posts, read 72,402,860 times
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kick him out. later he will thank you, not for kicking him out but for standing up to his terrible behavior. behind every loser there is a long line of professionals and family that would not would not stand up to bad behavior.
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Old 04-27-2009, 01:36 PM
 
Location: Fort Worth, Texas
10,716 posts, read 31,030,974 times
Reputation: 6654
Quote:
Originally Posted by ksaunmt View Post
My son is 18, we have constantly been in battle with him, since he was 5. He hated school, but he did graduate. He is now a lazy, unmotivated slug. Over the holidays he got kicked out of our home, he came back after a week, promising to change, and for a couple of weeks, things went well. Last night he stayed out all night again. One of our rules is to find a job and come home Sunday through Thursday. He chose not to. I know the right thing is to throw him out and stick with it, but my heart is breaking and I feel like I am dying. I don't want to do it. My husband says if we don't, I am enabling his behavior, I know he is right. How do I be okay with myself after it is done? I know he has nowhere to go, we live in a very cold climate, he has no job, his cars heater doesn't work and people do freeze to death here. How can I do it? I love him, but I am sick of being treated like this by him. Please give me advice, I need strength. I know it needs to be done if I ever want him to be an adult. Although he is consistent in saying "I am 18 Mom, I can do what I want". Help me, I need advice on how to be strong and do the right thing.

Thanks
I would give him say for example 30 days to get a job or enrolled in school (whatever the case may be). Then point out if he has not gotten a job in that amount of time, he will no longer have a place to live. I would point out to him that he should get the heat in his car fixed or speak to a friend who is willing to let him crash at his place.

I would put your expectations of him down in black and white so he sees what you are saying. I would start bringing home empty boxes and start packing his stuff up so he knows you are serious. Then you are going to have to tough it out and follow through if he doesn't meet whatever your requirements are.
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Old 04-27-2009, 01:40 PM
 
Location: Fort Worth, Texas
10,716 posts, read 31,030,974 times
Reputation: 6654
Quote:
Originally Posted by ksaunmt View Post
I have written in here about my son several times. I have gotten a lot of the same advice, I appreciate all of you that take the time to give me a response. My son is now 19, he will turn 20 on 6/09. He is still living with my parents. He moved out of my house last February and he was mad at me for it. On his 19th birthday he and a 15 year old boy (same age mentally) were smoking pot and got the munchies. The boy the 15 year old suggested that they go into the high school cause it had cookies, pizza and ice cream, so they walked into an unlocked window and got caught on their way out. This is a Burg II in the state of Oregon apparently at least for my son, the 15 year old got expelled, nothing else. My son has been in and out of jail for probation violations, he is finally done with his community service, as of today, he has most all of his fines paid and the judge has given him 2 more years of probation, so he will be on probation until he is 22. I am angry about that, but I don't tell him. I see people rape children and get less time than my son and he didn't even eat any of the food, he walked into an unlocked door and didn't break anything. It is awful. I have no idea how he will ever get a job with a felony, they are bad.
I personally would not allow him to be a burden on your parents. He has traded one cushy spot for another. He is still not being responsible and here he has broken the law and no doubt contributed to the deliquency of a minor your making excuses for him. Get serious here or your son will spend his entire life a deliquent.

His record can be expunged in most states and there are companies like UPS that will hire people with a criminal record if they have shown they have cleaned their life up. As long as you and your parents are nursemaiding him though, he will have no reason to.
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Old 04-27-2009, 09:44 PM
 
5,945 posts, read 12,719,242 times
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This is what I'm afraid of. We have two boys. Currently, they don't give us any trouble and I really don't have any worries. Our oldest is a year away from being old enough to work, and is already taking steps towards becoming a lifeguard. (He takes junior lifeguarding classes every summer, all summer, to train for the job and gain pre-job experience. He plans to work as a lifeguard throughout high school and college.) But I know that there will probably come a time when, at some point, my husband and I will have to stick together and practice "tough love" for our boys. I am much softer than my husband, and I feel that if/when this time ever comes up, my heart will just absolutely break wide open. So, OP mama, I feel you. You're currently facing one of my biggest fears!

I wish I had some advice for you, but I've never been in your situation so I really don't have anything to share. My gut feeling, though, is that you and your husband need to tackle this together, face it together, and keep up a solid front. Don't let the kids play one against the other. In addition to your relationship with your son/children, you also must think of the relationship with your husband/partner. The kids will move on and eventually find their own way, but you and your husband - that relationship needs to stay strong so that you can continue to live the rest of your happy lives together once your baby birds have flown off to have their own adventures.

Make sure your babies know you love them, but that you also are done cleaning up their messes for them. It's time for them to fly with their own wings now. Even writing this makes my heart hurt! But I know it's just a part of life that all parents must go through at some point. Childbirth was physically painful, but all the rest is more butterflies and tears... Good luck.
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Old 04-28-2009, 07:24 AM
 
1,577 posts, read 3,266,067 times
Reputation: 530
Sounds like he needs ADHD therapy to me. And possibly some medication for it.
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Old 04-29-2009, 02:24 PM
 
101 posts, read 484,019 times
Reputation: 91
I disagree at 18 years old he probaly still feels like a child. Most ppl are not ready to leave home at 18 years old and its not right to kick him out. He's 18 fdor god's sake thats not a magic number! Give him some time! He needs to find himself! Geez
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Old 04-29-2009, 04:06 PM
 
Location: Texas
14,969 posts, read 13,763,873 times
Reputation: 4539
Quote:
Originally Posted by Aniyasmommy View Post
I disagree at 18 years old he probaly still feels like a child. Most ppl are not ready to leave home at 18 years old and its not right to kick him out. He's 18 fdor god's sake thats not a magic number! Give him some time! He needs to find himself! Geez
I agree that 18 is not a magic number. I also agree that most 18 year olds are not ready to be on their own. There's a difference, however, between an 18 year old who is TRYING to make something of themselves and one who is not, who doesn't seem to care about anything, and who is disrespectful.

OP's son is almost 20 now...the post you commented on was from over a year ago. She DID kick him out - now he has committed crimes and is on probation and living with OP's parents.
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