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Old 02-19-2015, 01:55 AM
 
Location: NC
502 posts, read 654,846 times
Reputation: 1114

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In my opinion, you are abusing your children by allowing their step-mother to treat them that way. I think your wife sounds mentally unbalanced. Why is she making all the decision for your children? They are your children! For goodness sakes, if you want them to have a phone, get them one!

You mentioned the things you have done over the past year. With the exception of managing to stay home as to not leave them alone with their crazy step-mother, everything you did was to appease your wife! What about what you have done to show your love and commitment and to honor your children?

I would suggest that you get therapy not only for yourself for your marital issues, but for your children, both individually and as a family unit (you and them). I think you might be surprised by the resentment and anger they have towards you for not protecting them and for choosing your wife, who clearly hates them, over them.

btw - As I read your initial post, bi-polar was the first thing that came to my mind as well - mostly because of the changing moods.

Your kids are going to need a lot of help, and if you want a relationship with them when they are older, you better start now trying to heal it.
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Old 02-19-2015, 06:34 AM
 
9,415 posts, read 11,314,827 times
Reputation: 20187
Wow, your wife sounds like a complete *****. I'd divorce her immediately, she abuses your children and abuses you. Grow a spine.
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Old 02-19-2015, 07:34 AM
 
Location: South Carolina
13,194 posts, read 17,751,493 times
Reputation: 22647
Quote:
Originally Posted by Djuna View Post
Wow, your wife sounds like a complete *****. I'd divorce her immediately, she abuses your children and abuses you. Grow a spine.

Grow a spine and a set and stand up to her and tell her to get out or you all go NOW !!!!
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Old 02-19-2015, 08:01 AM
 
1,677 posts, read 1,975,804 times
Reputation: 5479
Quote:
Originally Posted by armydad310 View Post
Please forgive me if this islong, I feel like ranting alittle today

Last night, the wife (kids step-mom) being her usual self, decidedonce again that my children deserve nothing. She decided to throw away a magazine they had just received in the mailyesterday that we got them a subscription to for Christmas. My daughters are 17 (in two weeks) and 15 andlive with us full time. Their bio-mom iscompletely out of the picture and canít have contact with them. Needless to say, this isnít the first timeshe takes things away from them. Ourcloset is littered with items she has taken away, and when I give them back,she immediately confiscates them again. They have no cell phones (even though I think they should have them),and no electronics at all except for a radio in their rooms. They arenít bad kids, no drugs, alcohol,partying, etc. Theyíre home with usevery night and seem to have very few friends, none of which ever come to ourhouse.

When the wife comes home from her job in the evening (afterI do), I can never tell how her mood is going to be. Even if she is in a good mood, the smallestthing will set her off. For example, theother day she tripped over one of her own shoes that she had just taken off andthrew it across the room, nearly hitting me. Luckily the kids werenít home at the time. Another time, she flips out because thereís afew crumbs left on the counter in the kitchen after the kids have cleaned it,sheíll keep making the re-do it until it passes a white glove test. Her father even stated ďitís her kitchen, shewants it cleaned a specific wayĒ. Iím ofthe mindset that I donít care how itís done, as long as itís done. Iíve tried talking to her parents, but allthey do is take her side and say Iím wrong. Excuse me, but theyíre MY kids, not hers or theirs. This as well as many other things is reallystarting to get to me lately. Iíve madean appointment for myself to go see a family counselor and maybe talk some ofwhat I am feeling out, as it feels like we all walk on egg shells around her.

We got into an argument a while back where she stated ďIímyour wife, you need to put me first in this familyĒ. At which point I told her ďMykids come firstĒ. Needless to say, shedidnít like that and throws that in my face anytime I over-rule some ridiculousnew rule she decides to put in place in regards to the kids. Anyway, I think Iím done ranting for now, ifyou made it this far, thanks for reading.
Regarding the bolded....you need to start acting like it. Why is she disciplining YOUR kids and making decisions about what they can and cannot have? That's your job. Why is it up to her to decide if they should have a cellphone? It sounds like you passed off your parental responsibilities to your wife so you don't have to be bothered, and she clearly resents it.

You have two teenage daughters who don't see their biological mom, who don't even have friends homes to escape to, no phones or computers, can't even enjoy their magazine subscription, forced to live in a home with a woman who hates them. When are you going to stand up and be a father?
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Old 02-19-2015, 09:01 AM
 
Location: Howard County, Maryland
4,994 posts, read 3,175,346 times
Reputation: 14937
Quote:
Originally Posted by armydad310 View Post
Please forgive me if this islong, I feel like ranting alittle today

Last night, the wife (kids step-mom) being her usual self, decidedonce again that my children deserve nothing. She decided to throw away a magazine they had just received in the mailyesterday that we got them a subscription to for Christmas. My daughters are 17 (in two weeks) and 15 andlive with us full time. Their bio-mom iscompletely out of the picture and canít have contact with them. Needless to say, this isnít the first timeshe takes things away from them. Ourcloset is littered with items she has taken away, and when I give them back,she immediately confiscates them again. They have no cell phones (even though I think they should have them),and no electronics at all except for a radio in their rooms. They arenít bad kids, no drugs, alcohol,partying, etc. Theyíre home with usevery night and seem to have very few friends, none of which ever come to ourhouse.

When the wife comes home from her job in the evening (afterI do), I can never tell how her mood is going to be. Even if she is in a good mood, the smallestthing will set her off. For example, theother day she tripped over one of her own shoes that she had just taken off andthrew it across the room, nearly hitting me. Luckily the kids werenít home at the time. Another time, she flips out because thereís afew crumbs left on the counter in the kitchen after the kids have cleaned it,sheíll keep making the re-do it until it passes a white glove test. Her father even stated ďitís her kitchen, shewants it cleaned a specific wayĒ. Iím ofthe mindset that I donít care how itís done, as long as itís done. Iíve tried talking to her parents, but allthey do is take her side and say Iím wrong. Excuse me, but theyíre MY kids, not hers or theirs. This as well as many other things is reallystarting to get to me lately. Iíve madean appointment for myself to go see a family counselor and maybe talk some ofwhat I am feeling out, as it feels like we all walk on egg shells around her.

We got into an argument a while back where she stated ďIímyour wife, you need to put me first in this familyĒ. At which point I told her ďMykids come firstĒ. Needless to say, shedidnít like that and throws that in my face anytime I over-rule some ridiculousnew rule she decides to put in place in regards to the kids. Anyway, I think Iím done ranting for now, ifyou made it this far, thanks for reading.
I'm truly sorry this is happening to you and your kids. It must be a miserable situation all around.

Regarding the "my kids" comments I put in bold . . . it seems to me that in a healthy step-parent situation, the step-parent should want to integrate into the existing family in such a way that the kids become "hers" as well as "yours." I don't know your history, so I may be off-base here; but when you and she were preparing to get married, what were the expectations regarding the kids? Did you always see them as "mine alone" or did you genuinely want her to come to see them as "hers" as well? And how did she feel about them? It seems pretty clear that she doesn't like them and doesn't consider herself to be their "real" mother; but were you aware of her feelings about this subject back when you were preparing to marry her?

I had some experience with this, years ago. I dated a girl for a time, and after we broke up she got married to someone else and had two kids. And then they got divorced, and she and I explored the idea of getting back together. But I was insistent that if we were to get married, the kids would have to be considered "ours" and not just "hers." I was quite fond of her kids, and they of me. But I knew that it would be very, very hard to become a single, cohesive family unit if the two children whom I would be co-raising would not be "mine."

Anyway, back to your situation. At the very least, you and your wife need to be consistent in your discipline. This whole thing about her confiscating their stuff, and you giving it back, just won't work. I have no idea which one of you is in the right, as to whether the kids' behavior merited the items being confiscated or not; but parents should show a united front in effective discipline. And that's clearly not happening in your household.

I applaud you for seeking counseling for yourself, and I would further recommend seeking family counseling for all four of you -- or just you and your kids, if your wife refuses to participate. Good luck to you.
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Old 02-19-2015, 11:34 AM
 
Location: Chicago area
13,133 posts, read 7,256,350 times
Reputation: 50201
Wow those poor kids. My heart breaks for them. I was raised by a mentally ill alcoholic mother that I had no choice but to be with. You have put your children in harms way with a mentally ill step mother that they should not have to be subjected to. You must be in love with or in lust with this woman to have let this dysfunctional behavior continue. It's a sad situation when your priorities and wants are out of sync. Your ex wife was dysfunctional enough for you to divorce her, yet you marry yet another dysfunctional person to take her place? Is there some kind of pattern here? Are you addicted to dysfunctional relationships? Those kids need at least one parent that will advocate for them and you need to step up to the plate. I think you would benefit from therapy to discover what it is in you that attracts this dysfunction. I hope some day you experience a healthy balanced relationship because one you do you will never want to tolerate dysfunctional again.
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Old 02-19-2015, 12:53 PM
 
4,586 posts, read 4,432,794 times
Reputation: 4341
Divorce! Plenty of fish in the sea...Kids come first.
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Old 02-19-2015, 01:04 PM
 
Location: Syracuse IS Central New York.
8,517 posts, read 3,826,092 times
Reputation: 4005
If things have gotten worse, not better, in the past year, it's time to visit a lawyer not a counselor. Your primary responsibility is to your daughters. Your wife is abusive to both you and your children. That is no way to live.

Why you married this woman is a mystery to me. I don't perceive any love in your household. Time to end this charade of a marriage.

It's long overdue that you stand up to this woman. If she becomes violent, call the police.
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Old 02-19-2015, 01:05 PM
 
Location: here
24,483 posts, read 28,851,362 times
Reputation: 31077
Quote:
Originally Posted by jojow View Post
In my opinion, you are abusing your children by allowing their step-mother to treat them that way. I think your wife sounds mentally unbalanced. Why is she making all the decision for your children? They are your children! For goodness sakes, if you want them to have a phone, get them one!

You mentioned the things you have done over the past year. With the exception of managing to stay home as to not leave them alone with their crazy step-mother, everything you did was to appease your wife! What about what you have done to show your love and commitment and to honor your children?

I would suggest that you get therapy not only for yourself for your marital issues, but for your children, both individually and as a family unit (you and them). I think you might be surprised by the resentment and anger they have towards you for not protecting them and for choosing your wife, who clearly hates them, over them.

btw - As I read your initial post, bi-polar was the first thing that came to my mind as well - mostly because of the changing moods.

Your kids are going to need a lot of help, and if you want a relationship with them when they are older, you better start now trying to heal it.
Yes, this
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Old 02-19-2015, 01:19 PM
 
Location: Mt Shasta , Ca.
1,810 posts, read 1,255,294 times
Reputation: 3805
[QUOTE as it feels like we all walk on egg shells around her.
[/quote]



I was in an abusive relationship like this once. Thank God only 18 months until I was watching TV and they were talking about people who don't even realize they are in an abusive relationship and should NEVER feel as if they are constantly walking on eggshells with their SO ( or anyone for that matter ) such a small sentence made me realize. It was up to me as it will be for you to decide when to end this and live your life in peace as a bachelor or remarried . Not everyone is going to act like this , She is responsible for her own crap behavior nd your kids WILL resent you later for it .. I have a 30 something that hasn't spoken to me in years over this 18 month terrible relationship, REALLY resents this guy in our lives after over 20 years. He was just a vicious person .
My mom also acted like your wife when we were kids and no one goes to see her now at all including her friends , much less family . .
You're going to have to do the changing as at this point it's VERY unlikely that she will and you are damaging those girls exposing them to this nut.
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