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Old 02-22-2015, 04:15 PM
 
1,316 posts, read 955,366 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by armydad310 View Post
We got into an argument a while back where she stated “I’myour wife, you need to put me first in this family”. At which point I told her “Mykids come first”.
She is right.

She is your wife. Your kids should not run the show.

If you wanted your kids to be your children AND your spouse you shouldn't have gotten married.

This whole "kids come first" thing ruins TONS of marriages and results in spoiled, self-centered children who grow up to be spoiled, self centered adults. Teach your kids that they are not the center of the universe and everything might be better for you.
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Old 02-22-2015, 04:16 PM
 
1,316 posts, read 955,366 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ms_Christina View Post
Just hold on to those girls of yours. You are all they have
If that is true, he is doing them a great disservice in life.
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Old 02-22-2015, 04:19 PM
 
Location: here
24,611 posts, read 29,008,178 times
Reputation: 31458
Quote:
Originally Posted by mizzile View Post
She is right.

She is your wife. Your kids should not run the show.

If you wanted your kids to be your children AND your spouse you shouldn't have gotten married.

This whole "kids come first" thing ruins TONS of marriages and results in spoiled, self-centered children who grow up to be spoiled, self centered adults. Teach your kids that they are not the center of the universe and everything might be better for you.
um... how did you get this from the OP?
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Old 02-22-2015, 05:23 PM
 
436 posts, read 310,699 times
Reputation: 655
Is it really that hard for people to stop ranking family members as most and least important? They have different roles and different needs, and there shouldn't be a hierarchy.
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Old 02-22-2015, 05:33 PM
 
12,967 posts, read 19,994,128 times
Reputation: 34274
Quote:
Originally Posted by mizzile View Post
She is right.

She is your wife. Your kids should not run the show.

If you wanted your kids to be your children AND your spouse you shouldn't have gotten married.

This whole "kids come first" thing ruins TONS of marriages and results in spoiled, self-centered children who grow up to be spoiled, self centered adults. Teach your kids that they are not the center of the universe and everything might be better for you.
The rules are different when it's a second marriage. Who looks out for the interests of the children involved if the custodial parent doesn't?
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Old 02-22-2015, 05:36 PM
 
436 posts, read 310,699 times
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Hence stories like Hansel and Gretel and Cinderella and Snow White, etc.
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Old 02-22-2015, 05:43 PM
 
Location: Portlandia "burbs"
10,236 posts, read 13,615,816 times
Reputation: 25856
Quote:
Originally Posted by armydad310 View Post
Please forgive me if this islong, I feel like ranting alittle today

Last night, the wife (kids step-mom) being her usual self, decidedonce again that my children deserve nothing. She decided to throw away a magazine they had just received in the mailyesterday that we got them a subscription to for Christmas. My daughters are 17 (in two weeks) and 15 andlive with us full time. Their bio-mom iscompletely out of the picture and can’t have contact with them. Needless to say, this isn’t the first timeshe takes things away from them. Ourcloset is littered with items she has taken away, and when I give them back,she immediately confiscates them again. They have no cell phones (even though I think they should have them),and no electronics at all except for a radio in their rooms. They aren’t bad kids, no drugs, alcohol,partying, etc. They’re home with usevery night and seem to have very few friends, none of which ever come to ourhouse.

When the wife comes home from her job in the evening (afterI do), I can never tell how her mood is going to be. Even if she is in a good mood, the smallestthing will set her off. For example, theother day she tripped over one of her own shoes that she had just taken off andthrew it across the room, nearly hitting me. Luckily the kids weren’t home at the time. Another time, she flips out because there’s afew crumbs left on the counter in the kitchen after the kids have cleaned it,she’ll keep making the re-do it until it passes a white glove test. Her father even stated “it’s her kitchen, shewants it cleaned a specific way”. I’m ofthe mindset that I don’t care how it’s done, as long as it’s done. I’ve tried talking to her parents, but allthey do is take her side and say I’m wrong. Excuse me, but they’re MY kids, not hers or theirs. This as well as many other things is reallystarting to get to me lately. I’ve madean appointment for myself to go see a family counselor and maybe talk some ofwhat I am feeling out, as it feels like we all walk on egg shells around her.

We got into an argument a while back where she stated “I’myour wife, you need to put me first in this family”. At which point I told her “Mykids come first”. Needless to say, shedidn’t like that and throws that in my face anytime I over-rule some ridiculousnew rule she decides to put in place in regards to the kids. Anyway, I think I’m done ranting for now, ifyou made it this far, thanks for reading.
Well, I understand why you told your wife that your children come first - you were already on the defensive and protecting your kids. But you really would have been better not responding to her comment at all, and I'm sure you know that now.

Two things come to my mind:

Can I assume that your daughters moved in with you later? Were you and your wife planning on children of your own, or did she expect to live child-free?

Also, do you know if she is happy in her job??? If she leaves worth frustrated and angry, then she may be taking it out on her family.

I do believe that it'd also be best not to bring her parents into the web - it will only make things worse. But I agree that she is not providing a healthy environment for your daughters.
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Old 02-22-2015, 06:04 PM
 
Location: here
24,611 posts, read 29,008,178 times
Reputation: 31458
Quote:
Originally Posted by zenapple View Post
Is it really that hard for people to stop ranking family members as most and least important? They have different roles and different needs, and there shouldn't be a hierarchy.
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Old 02-22-2015, 10:37 PM
 
13,087 posts, read 12,645,349 times
Reputation: 37697
Quote:
Originally Posted by mizzile View Post
She is right.

She is your wife. Your kids should not run the show.

If you wanted your kids to be your children AND your spouse you shouldn't have gotten married.

This whole "kids come first" thing ruins TONS of marriages and results in spoiled, self-centered children who grow up to be spoiled, self centered adults. Teach your kids that they are not the center of the universe and everything might be better for you.
And this has NOTHING to do with the original post. Did you even read it?
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Old 05-15-2015, 03:31 PM
 
9 posts, read 14,156 times
Reputation: 26
So I’ve been in counseling for a few months now. I’m beginning to see how she tends to operatein in a cycle. Everything seems to go well for a while, then out of the blue, right back to where we were. I can almost predict when it’s going to happen. The counselor and I have been talking a lot about respect given and received. The more I think about it, the more it comes to mind that she doesn’t respect anyone in the household. The kids give it to her (mostly, like anybody, they have their outbursts at times ,but nothing ever violent.) I give it to her, but we never get anything back itseems. I even brought up the whole “you should put me first” thing she said to the counselor, and that’s when the respect conversation began. I’ve alread yhad one panic attack and sometimes it feels like I’m about to have another, that scared me a lot. I don’t know how much longer I’m going to give the counseling before taking the next step and ending the marriage. It still hurts alot every time I think about it even though I’ve been in this situation before with my ex (the kids bio-mom). Thanks again to everyone for the great advice, I really do take it all in and appreciate it.
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