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Old 05-18-2015, 05:18 PM
 
3,476 posts, read 2,199,049 times
Reputation: 7245

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Quote:
Originally Posted by randomparent View Post
Menopause. Seriously, it makes us crazy, and it can go on for years! I feel like my brain has been invaded. Your second post tipped me off. I'm not saying you don't have some serious relationship issues to resolve, but menopause probably has something to do with your wife's difficult personality. If you can hold on for the ride, my older female friends assure me that things will smooth out considerably.
Even if his wife was in menopause, it doesn't excuse her behavior. Menopause doesn't make women "crazy". I know plenty of people who have gone through it and not ever thrown things or told their husband to put them first because they're the wife.

OP, I'm not sure what you're waiting for. It sounds like it's time to move on. I'll bet you and your kids will be happier.
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Old 12-02-2018, 12:23 AM
 
1 posts, read 130 times
Reputation: 10
New step mom here. First thing I want to say is I commend you for looking into counseling. That shows you are willing to work out the situation. Second, it sounds like she is hurting. Something is going on with her and it may have nothing to do with how your step kids do chores, etc. Counseling together may help as well. Also I’d like to know if every other parent who says a step parent is to be put on the back burner then why get married at all? I have been in my SD’s lives for 4 and a half years before we got married. It takes a tremendous amount of patience, hard work and dedication. I’d also like to ask if every other parent knew what was to happen in their marriages that were challenging before they said I do. I mean is there something I’m missing? Just because you know they have kids doesn’t mean you know the future and the things that could transpire. Being a stepparent is the hardest role to take. You do everything just like a parent but you maintain boundaries of bio parent being the main discipline and walk a fine line of even doing things that the bio parent would be doing or wanting to do with them. Example: when the kids were small it was a BIG deal when we took the youngest to places she hadn’t been before to the bio mom. And all the firsts you are naturally there for because the kids are fulltime with us. Being a step parent is still a hard job even when you “understand what your signing up for”. If bio mom doesn’t instill any values or rules like you have in your house this can be an uphill battle. I want my SD’s to take care of their things and clean up after themselves my husband agrees but they have no chores the 6 months we’ve been married. I can see it being difficult for you and your kids when they believe they are doing fine and it’s not up to her standards. You don’t think your kids are doing somethings on purpose because your wife asks them to do things? Example: SD12 told me she doesn’t hang things when I brought her clothes on hanger for her to put away in her closet. She also was still up late after I told her it was time for bed. Her response was my husband didn’t tell her. They know they need to be in bed by 9 and to sit at the table and eat dinner without phones or iPads. She’s making you take over some responsibility in making them clean etc because she’s trying to take care of herself. It is better rules and discipline come from you in the first place but if you aren’t there and she needs to talk alone with you about something involving your kids then please believe her. If you really had a heart to heart no holds on the conversation for you both and just heard each other and really listened without trying to fix anything I think it would help. Good luck and I hope it works out for you.
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Old 12-04-2018, 09:01 AM
 
Location: Texas
7,150 posts, read 2,601,593 times
Reputation: 15112
Quote:
Originally Posted by armydad310 View Post
We got into an argument a while back where she stated “I’myour wife, you need to put me first in this family”. At which point I told her “Mykids come first”. Needless to say, shedidn’t like that and throws that in my face anytime I over-rule some ridiculousnew rule she decides to put in place in regards to the kids. Anyway, I think I’m done ranting for now, ifyou made it this far, thanks for reading.[/font]
Families should not be a contest of "who comes first." There are times when the kids come first. There are other times when the mom or dad have to come first. It all depends on the situation. If you don't grasp this you aren't mature enough to be in a marriage. I feel sorry for this woman. She is probably reacting to years of abuse, neglect and being treated as second rate.

This post is a perfect example of why I'm grateful I never married a man with children from a previous marriage. Thank God. I see now I made the best decision for myself and left those single dads to struggle raising their kids alone. (Smug smile).
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Old 12-07-2018, 12:18 PM
 
11,252 posts, read 9,327,063 times
Reputation: 14713
Quote:
Originally Posted by armydad310 View Post
So Iíve been in counseling for a few months now. Iím beginning to see how she tends to operatein in a cycle. Everything seems to go well for a while, then out of the blue, right back to where we were. I can almost predict when itís going to happen. The counselor and I have been talking a lot about respect given and received. The more I think about it, the more it comes to mind that she doesnít respect anyone in the household. The kids give it to her (mostly, like anybody, they have their outbursts at times ,but nothing ever violent.) I give it to her, but we never get anything back itseems. I even brought up the whole ďyou should put me firstĒ thing she said to the counselor, and thatís when the respect conversation began. Iíve alread yhad one panic attack and sometimes it feels like Iím about to have another, that scared me a lot. I donít know how much longer Iím going to give the counseling before taking the next step and ending the marriage. It still hurts alot every time I think about it even though Iíve been in this situation before with my ex (the kids bio-mom). Thanks again to everyone for the great advice, I really do take it all in and appreciate it.
I am going to say something I hope you will understand I mean with kindness not as an attack. Whether with this woman or any other, you need to learn how to stand up to yourself, hold on to your nuts and not let someone walk on you. You cannot appease your way to happiness. And you may be so passive as to be attracting people who want (subconsciously) to walk on someone.
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Old Yesterday, 09:30 PM
 
Location: Bloomington IN
5,978 posts, read 7,217,414 times
Reputation: 14387
Quote:
Originally Posted by somebodynew View Post
I am going to say something I hope you will understand I mean with kindness not as an attack. Whether with this woman or any other, you need to learn how to stand up to yourself, hold on to your nuts and not let someone walk on you. You cannot appease your way to happiness. And you may be so passive as to be attracting people who want (subconsciously) to walk on someone.
The OP has been gone for years. He's not reading this. Not sure why it was resurrected.
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Old Today, 01:46 AM
 
Location: North Dakota
7,195 posts, read 8,356,035 times
Reputation: 9658
Yet another zombie thread...
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Old Today, 01:48 AM
 
2,580 posts, read 4,509,927 times
Reputation: 6232
This is terrible. About 15 years ago I dated a very nice man for a couple years. We both had kids in high school. Our agreement was, the kids come first. If one or the other of us had to cancel plans to do something together because of a sick child or other pressing child-related problem, we were right on board. It rarely happened, but it made the relationship a lot less stressful to know that each of us valued the other's commitment to the children and were accepting of that. And we really enjoyed each other's kids.

Sadly, we didn't end up together, but I would never have treated his son and daughter the way your wife treats your children. Worse, she is throwing things at you. That is abusive, and some day it might escalate to something worse than a shoe. She sounds miserable and is making everyone else miserable, too. If counseling doesn't set things straight, you have to make a decision about how much of that behavior you're willing to expose your kids to.
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Old Today, 07:40 AM
 
11,252 posts, read 9,327,063 times
Reputation: 14713
Quote:
Originally Posted by NDak15 View Post
Yet another zombie thread...
Sorry. I always wind up replying to these.
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