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You probably need therapy too, to deal with your own feelings on the subject. It must be one of the most difficult things a parent can hear. You will need support as you help him deal with this.
Get him therapy with a therapist who is comfortable with transgendered and bisexual teens...not to change him. Do not try to change him. If he is transgendered, you can really mess him up by not accepting him. If it's a phase, he needs to see it through, not be pushed one way or another.
This ^. Do not send him to a bigoted therapist who will try to teach him to "be a man". He needs to go to someone who is non judgemental and that he can feel comfortable talking to.
You better support him and show him you will love him no matter what. Tell him maybe that will be okay, lets talk about it and also if you can, get some professional help. Someone HE likes and can talk to. Tell your son it is okay. Tell him don't worry about what other kids at school say or think. 13-17 are tough ages for kids and it seems he is pretty upset. Please support him or it could be much worse. These days he will be fine if he can be in a city somewhere, but he needs to get to the adult stage. Support is huge from you!
No reputable doctor/ surgeon will do ANYTHING without your son having extensive therapy to help him determine if that is really the best path. All the other behavior leading up to this sounds like standard teenage stuff.
This could be a turning point or nothing - do nothing drastic now other than find a therapist that SPECIALIZES in and has lots of experience in transgender issues. Good luck to you both.
I'm lost, confused, scared, angry, sad, depressed, disappointed... the list is endless. I don't know what I'm more upset about: my son's changes, or my inability to cope with the changes.
So my son tells me he wants to be a girl. He'll be 15 next month. This is after he spent the last nearly 2 years changing completely to someone I don't recognize. First came the little changes: him being less social and more withdrawn. Gradually, he changed his entire wardrobe to black. His taste in music and movies changed: he likes old movies and goth/punk music. He starts wearing eyeliner. He wants a mowhawk. He paints his nails. He becomes a vegetarian.
Before I know it, I'm looking at this young adult who hates conformity, who says that the kids who wear 'normal' clothes and behave 'normally' are just 'mindless robots'. He refuses to wear certain things because he wants to be different. He says at the dinner table that he's 'bisexual'. Really. At dinner. In front of his 10 year old sister.
And yesterday, I had the rug pulled out from under me when he sits me down to have a talk, and he tells me he wants to be a girl. I mean, he was crying, telling me he wants hormone supplements and wants to be a girl. The kid isn't even 15 yet. And I handled that conversation about as good as if someone had told me my pet cat died while choking on my pet hamster. I then spent the rest of the night being unable to go more than 5 minutes without breaking into hysterical tears and hyperventilating. Surely this is a nightmare, right? I mean, my son, who has NEVER been close to being feminine or frilly, says he wants to be a girl.
I'm not the most emotionally stable person, I know this. I have spent years on anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medications for my own messed up childhood and adolescence. I don't handle stress or drama well at all. He knows this, I know this, everyone knows this. So of course, this isn't something I'm able to be okay with right now. I am at a point where I just want to roll back the clock to where he was 5, when he was talkative and just an all-around typical boy.
Are there any others parents out there who are struggling with this? How do I get past this? Can I?
PS - I have told my son that I love him and I wouldn't trade him for anything. I told him that I just need time because I'm just not ready to handle this change right now. He knows I haven't disowned him and that I do NOT hate him. He knows that I am just struggling to understand who he is from one week to the next.
It's very unfortunate that someone has broadcast the opinion that: people can choose their gender. It's one of the most bizarre beliefs that are fed to children. Gender isn't a choice, it's a birth right. Girls can be tom boys, and boys can be effeminate, but that's pretty much the extent of gender choice. Anything beyond that, in my humble opinion, is self mutilation.
Tell him to wait until he's 25 years old to make that decision. By then, he'll most likely have moved beyond this "phase", and will have a more balanced perspective on what he actually wants. If he wants to proceed with unnecessary surgeries that will most likely destroy his health and leave him more confused than ever, he can do that without putting the burden of the decision on you.
No reputable doctor/ surgeon will do ANYTHING without your son having extensive therapy to help him determine if that is really the best path. All the other behavior leading up to this sounds like standard teenage stuff.
This could be a turning point or nothing - do nothing drastic now other than find a therapist that SPECIALIZES in and has lots of experience in transgender issues. Good luck to you both.
I agree that you need to find a therapist that specializes in transgender issues. If you live in a small town you may have to travel to a bigger city for appointments but that is better than going to a general psychologist/therapist/psychiatrists who has very little experience in that area.
Maybe your son should talk to someone about why he wants to act in odd ways to feel that he is unique. Perhaps he could discover whatever his strengths are and build on those in order to stand out amongst the "robots". What sports, hobbies, skills has he developed and what he is interested in doing ... beyond his pre-occupation with his appearance?
It's very unfortunate that someone has broadcast the opinion that: people can choose their gender. It's one of the most bizarre beliefs that are fed to children. Gender isn't a choice, it's a birth right. Girls can be tom boys, and boys can be effeminate, but that's pretty much the extent of gender choice. Anything beyond that, in my humble opinion, is self mutilation.
Tell him to wait until he's 25 years old to make that decision. By then, he'll most likely have moved beyond this "phase", and will have a more balanced perspective on what he actually wants. If he wants to proceed with unnecessary surgeries that will most likely destroy his health and leave him more confused than ever, he can do that without putting the burden of the decision on you.
And that's all this is. Your opinion. You are correct, gender isn't a choice. And sometimes, the physical doesn't match the psychological. Do some research on the burden of trying to live with that mismatch.
And that's all this is. Your opinion. You are correct, gender isn't a choice. And sometimes, the physical doesn't match the psychological. Do some research on the burden of trying to live with that mismatch.
We're talking about 15 year old boy that seems to be doing all sorts of unusual things with his appearance in order to feel unique ... to feel different from the "robot". I think it's strange and unhealthy that this boy views others so negatively. There's an awful lot more going on here than gender confusion.
It's surprising how many people eagerly look past what appears to be typical teenage angst and focus on supporting uniqueness via surgery.
He's too young to transgender but handling this well now could save his life.
It will be okay!
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