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When you stand back and look at the larger picture, this is the post that makes the most sense. It cuts down to the issue.
I wouldn't necessarily agree that someone not wanting to be involved necessarily dictates an emotional immaturity or any other issue, but with the OP's posting history Liberty really nailed the issue down.
Again, I have no issue with someone who wants to remain unattached... to each their own... it's the underlying reasons that should be addressed. I hope that the OP does a little soul searching and can answer the question honestly.
I will also add that my response to this question is pretty much based on Dissenter - and not simply a child that doesn't have a girlfriend/boyfriend.
My family thinks something is wrong with me since I don't have anyone. They think either I'm a lesbian or I'm just odd for not dating. If I had a child I wouldn't care if they weren't interested, I would probably be relieved. It wouldn't really bother me. I certainly wouldn't think they are missing out on anything, and I wouldn't think it's sad to not have an interest in it. As I really don't think it's something to be sad over.
People make their own happiness and different things make people happy, and people have different priorities.
My Mother has assumed I'm gay in the past because I've never brought a girl home, or ever been in a relationship. That's one of the very few things I do not like about my Mother. Very ignorant thinking in that regard.
She then tries to twist it around after I shut her up by saying that she isn't saying I'm gay, but that if I was, I could come out with it.
If I had kids, there's no way I would indulge in that kind of ignorant thinking.
I'm not a parent yet but like Dewdroplet, I believe that every parent wants what they believe is best for their offspring. When you are in a loving and fulfilling relationship, it follows that you would want those that you love to be just as happy (if not happier) as you are. Mothers tend to have this very selfless approach when it comes to love.
I will say something and I hope you won't take offense to it: I believe that your "lack of interest" in marriage and love stems from the need to shield yourself from the pain of multiple rejections, self-doubt and lack of contentment with your life. I've met a few people, who like you, got out of the game because it was much easier than to risk it all for love. Now in their retirement, they regret taking the easy way out.
As a medical student, I spent a lot of time listening to Seniors reminisce. A common theme that comes up frequently is loneliness and lack of companionship. Another theme is regret which is often tied to missed opportunities (no children or grandchildren, worked too hard and didn't spend enough time with loved ones, failed to mend relationships, didn't travel enough or have enough adventures, etc).
Love is not easy. Relationships are hard work but they can be extremely fulfilling when done right.
I do believe that your Mom is not entirely okay with you being alone and not marrying. In truth, very few mothers are.
Regardless, it is your life. You still have the opportunity to salvage the situation.
I think this sums up my thoughts best. I'm really trying not to be condescending here, and I fully get that there are other avenues to happiness and personal fulfillment. At the same time, my marriage and my family have become, much to the surprise of my younger self, the bedrock of all that matters in my life.
I would never have thought of it that way, because my parents did not have a happy marriage. I was in the camp of skeptics, very leery of the prospect myself. Until I met my wife.
It's one of those things you really cannot describe to someone who hasn't gone through it. It's like describing skydiving or an orgasm or performing in front of a large and appreciative audience. It's an experience that you can try to understand intellectually, but until you go through it fully, you'll never get it on an emotional plane -- the plane that really matters.
To me, the great sadness of those who refuse to even consider a relationship is that they are spurning the opportunity to experience life at its richest and fullest. It is the chance to fully come to grips with the rhythms of life, no matter how maddening and time-consuming it might be. It is the equivalent of walking down a street in New York and forgoing a dozen world-class restaurants in order to eat at the Olive Garden. Or passing up the chance to see a live concert because you download that artist's music to an mp3. Or not going to Paris because you can buy a Fodors guide for less. In that sense, the insubstantiality of the boyfriend/girlfriend of the month is thin gruel compared to the real thing.
The past is not prologue. The bad impressions you have of relationships from the dysfunction of your parents or other people is not an indicator of how yours will be. Instead, loving relationships come for wisdom, from the choices you make. Not only in the person you choose to walk through life with, but in how you choose to treat that partner everyday and how you allow yourself to be treated. In my own life, I learned from my parents' strange and awkward marriage and applied those lessons to my own. As a result, I can tell you with absolute conviction that the past does not dictate the future.
My Mother has assumed I'm gay in the past because I've never brought a girl home, or ever been in a relationship. That's one of the very few things I do not like about my Mother. Very ignorant thinking in that regard.
She then tries to twist it around after I shut her up by saying that she isn't saying I'm gay, but that if I was, I could come out with it.
If I had kids, there's no way I would indulge in that kind of ignorant thinking.
I wouldn't get so bent out of shape over it... a lot of people have said or thought that just thinking through options of what could be the issue or reasoning for not engaging in a "conventional" type of a living style, it's more of the tone that makes it a disparaging remark, and only you know your mother in that regard.
C-D, a very interesting question. I know quite a few here have grown children and more have younger children. What if your child when they become an adult has no interest in dating whatsoever? What if they came to you and said they had no interest in marriage, romantic love, or having children? Would you feel something is wrong with them?
In a word, yes. Not the having children part, but a lack of interest in dating or romantic partnership would greatly concern me.
I think this sums up my thoughts best. I'm really trying not to be condescending here, and I fully get that there are other avenues to happiness and personal fulfillment. At the same time, my marriage and my family have become, much to the surprise of my younger self, the bedrock of all that matters in my life.
I would never have thought of it that way, because my parents did not have a happy marriage. I was in the camp of skeptics, very leery of the prospect myself. Until I met my wife.
It's one of those things you really cannot describe to someone who hasn't gone through it. It's like describing skydiving or an orgasm or performing in front of a large and appreciative audience. It's an experience that you can try to understand intellectually, but until you go through it fully, you'll never get it on an emotional plane -- the plane that really matters.
To me, the great sadness of those who refuse to even consider a relationship is that they are spurning the opportunity to experience life at its richest and fullest. It is the chance to fully come to grips with the rhythms of life, no matter how maddening and time-consuming it might be. It is the equivalent of standing on a street corner in New York and walking past a dozen world-class restaurants in order to eat at the Olive Garden. Or passing up the chance to see a live concert because you download it to an mp3. Or not going to Paris because you can buy a Fodors guide for less. The insubstantiality of the boyfriend/girlfriend of the month is thin gruel compared to the real thing.
The past is not prologue. The bad impressions you have of relationships from the dysfunction of your parents or other people is not an indicator of how yours will be. Instead, loving relationships come for wisdom, from the choices you make. Not only in the person you choose to walk through life with, but in how you choose to treat that partner everyday and how you allow yourself to be treated. In my own life, I learned from my parents' strange and awkward marriage and applied those lessons to my own. As a result, I can tell you with absolute conviction that the past does not dictate the future.
Your last two paragraphs should be a required sticky for this forum. This is the most eloquent description of how people who shield themselves from close interpersonal relationships, especially romantic ones, are robbing themselves of the stuff of life.
I see my son being like this. He is a teen now woth no interest whatsoever. As long as he is happy, that is all I care about.
Because something makes you happy, doesn't mean it will for another person. People love traveling to other countries, it doesn't mean it's the right solution for everyone to achieve happiness.
My oldest daughter has shown no interest in serious dating. She's 28 and has spent the last 5 years traveling all around the world. She's based in South Korea teaching English and spends her free time backpacking through South East Asia, South America, Europe, the Middle East. She's currently in Paris. I think it's fantastic she's doing what she loves. I haven't even really thought about it until this thread.
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