Parents: what if your child had no interest in dating? (boys, son)
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My oldest daughter has shown no interest in serious dating. She's 28 and has spent the last 5 years traveling all around the world. She's based in South Korea teaching English and spends her free time backpacking through South East Asia, South America, Europe, the Middle East. She's currently in Paris. I think it's fantastic she's doing what she loves. I haven't even really thought about it until this thread.
Do you think there's a difference between that and her coming to you and saying that she had no interest in dating, romantic love, or children - ever? Because that's what I'm basing my answer on. I think it's one thing if you are busy with your life so it just hasn't happened but if you are purposely avoiding it like it's a bad thing, I would think that there was something else concerning going on. I mean, this is all just my opinion - but if my child seemed really happy traveling the world and doing what they loved - I probably wouldn't think about it. If my child told me straight out that they wanted to avoid any kind of romantic love - that would make me sad.
I can't imagine anyone saying those things. It seems so bizarre. I'm pretty sure my kids will end up with a partner because they're normal and have me as their Mum.
I can't imagine anyone saying those things. It seems so bizarre. I'm pretty sure my kids will end up with a partner because they're normal and have me as their Mum.
That's how I feel, too. I would feel like I did something wrong if my children thought that romantic love was something to be avoided.
I think this sums up my thoughts best. I'm really trying not to be condescending here, and I fully get that there are other avenues to happiness and personal fulfillment. At the same time, my marriage and my family have become, much to the surprise of my younger self, the bedrock of all that matters in my life.
I would never have thought of it that way, because my parents did not have a happy marriage. I was in the camp of skeptics, very leery of the prospect myself. Until I met my wife.
It's one of those things you really cannot describe to someone who hasn't gone through it. It's like describing skydiving or an orgasm or performing in front of a large and appreciative audience. It's an experience that you can try to understand intellectually, but until you go through it fully, you'll never get it on an emotional plane -- the plane that really matters.
To me, the great sadness of those who refuse to even consider a relationship is that they are spurning the opportunity to experience life at its richest and fullest. It is the chance to fully come to grips with the rhythms of life, no matter how maddening and time-consuming it might be. It is the equivalent of walking down a street in New York and forgoing a dozen world-class restaurants in order to eat at the Olive Garden. Or passing up the chance to see a live concert because you download that artist's music to an mp3. Or not going to Paris because you can buy a Fodors guide for less. In that sense, the insubstantiality of the boyfriend/girlfriend of the month is thin gruel compared to the real thing.
The past is not prologue. The bad impressions you have of relationships from the dysfunction of your parents or other people is not an indicator of how yours will be. Instead, loving relationships come for wisdom, from the choices you make. Not only in the person you choose to walk through life with, but in how you choose to treat that partner everyday and how you allow yourself to be treated. In my own life, I learned from my parents' strange and awkward marriage and applied those lessons to my own. As a result, I can tell you with absolute conviction that the past does not dictate the future.
C-D, a very interesting question. I know quite a few here have grown children and more have younger children. What if your child when they become an adult has no interest in dating whatsoever? What if they came to you and said they had no interest in marriage, romantic love, or having children? Would you feel something is wrong with them?
I have no interest in marriage, dating seriously, or having a family. I'm an only child and I don't really discuss my feelings on love with my mother and only talk relationships with very trusted friends. Mom is probably fine with me not having children or not marrying.
I would suspect that my child had emotional barriers that prevented him or her from desiring to bond with people, particularly if, in addition to having no desire to form romantic relationships, also had no desire to form significant platonic social bonds, as well. Triply so if my child had difficulty bonding with me or my husband as parents.
I've taught special ed, am working on a master's degree in counseling psychology, and have worked with enough children with developmental and neurological impairments that affect social development to not have my suspicions if someone is completely disinterested in forming social/emotional bonds. If, however, I saw these signifiers in my own child, it's likely that I'd have picked up on them long before that child reached adulthood.
Would I suspect something is "wrong" with him or her? No. I don't look at it in terms of the "right" way to be or the "wrong" way to be. Would I suspect some type of condition that affects social interaction? Probably. Especially in the case of global symptoms.
I think, one of the greatest gifts a parent can recieve is grand kids. Although, I have yet to experience fatherhood, I hope someday I can recieve such a wonderful gift. That said, I would just be proud and elated that my kid/s (if I were to have any) live a happy fulfilling life, with or without a relationship.
Well said! And I think you and the op will have it happen.
My child wouldn't have to come to me to tell me this. I would already know, simply based on his behavior. This is not a criminal act on his part; it endangers no one; it is not disrespectful or immoral. Why would I call it wrong?
Perhaps I would not understand it, but i would respect it and not intervene in any way.
Location: "Silicon Valley" (part of San Francisco Bay Area, California, USA)
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Originally Posted by The Dissenter
C-D, a very interesting question. I know quite a few here have grown children and more have younger children. What if your child when they become an adult has no interest in dating whatsoever? What if they came to you and said they had no interest in marriage, romantic love, or having children? Would you feel something is wrong with them?
Yes, I would fear that something was wrong organically with the brain, or something of that nature. I mean these are basic human instincts.
Quote:
I have no interest in marriage, dating seriously, or having a family. I'm an only child and I don't really discuss my feelings on love with my mother and only talk relationships with very trusted friends. Mom is probably fine with me not having children or not marrying.
So you're telling me you've never felt like you're in love with someone? Even I, never having been in a relationship, have found five people about whom I felt that way.
I don't want to date either -- I want it to happen organically -- but I have found people for whom I had romantic feelings and it made me feel sad when they did not reciprocate my feelings. I can't imagine someone not running into someone who induces romantic feelings.
Location: Huntersville/Charlotte, NC and Washington, DC
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Originally Posted by neutrino78x
Yes, I would fear that something was wrong organically with the brain, or something of that nature. I mean these are basic human instincts.
So you're telling me you've never felt like you're in love with someone? Even I, never having been in a relationship, have found five people about whom I felt that way.
I don't want to date either -- I want it to happen organically -- but I have found people for whom I had romantic feelings and it made me feel sad when they did not reciprocate my feelings. I can't imagine someone not running into someone who induces romantic feelings.
Nope never felt like I was in love with someone.
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