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I think we do love them them just for being our children. Hormones have to have something to do with that. The first few hours after my babies were born, they sort of felt like strangers to me. Something kicked in. By the next day, I was the proud parent of the most beautiful baby in the world. It must be hard for the parents of the other babies who weren't as lucky as I was.
With our first, I think I grew to love the baby before he was born. That seemed natural to me, as I loved the baby's mother, so why not love the baby. But unfortunately, by the time our second baby was born, there wasn't much chemistry left between her mother and me, and I didn't feel the love immediately. Not immediately. It was a few days after she was born. I still remember it, standing in her room and looking down on her in her new bed. It just washed over me -- almost tangible. And sudden. That was 42 years ago and the feeling hasn't left me yet.
I think there are some women who don't love their kids. Especially if they didn't want them to begin with. Yes, the hormones are there at first, but they do go away. By that time most parents do love and have bonded with their children, but I think there are a lot of parents who just wish they hadn't had a child and nobody talks about that. Maybe people here aren't old enough to remember when there wasn't birth control. Sure, women adored their first kid, and the second and the third. But by the time you got to the tenth and beyond, for a lot of women, it wasn't the miracle it had been the first time. Especially when you had money issues.
I also have a hard time understanding women who say they love kids, but pay no attention whatsoever to them in public. Or slap them when they're irritated. Or drive recklessly when they're in the car, carseats and seatbelts aside. Even when I had my dog in the car, I was conscious of the fact that if I had an accident, he could be hurt.
My own mother just sort of let us kids raise ourselves. She was never concerned about anything we did or where we went. I've had severe headaches since I was a child, and if I had a daughter with headaches like that, I'd be camped out on the doctor's doorstep wanting to know what was wrong. My mom never even cared to ask how I felt. Likewise when I was on a school bus that crossed the train tracks as the gates were coming down. I would have been at that bus driver's throat if I had a child on that bus. My mom just shrugged when I told her. So I know what it's like growing up and not having a parent really give a hoot about you, and I know my parents never wanted kids to begin with. That's why I encourage people to want their kids before they have them. They're not something you can return or put back and they're permanent. Sometimes you love your kids by not having them.
I guess I was lucky. I wanted to be like my Mom. I wanted to love my kids the way she loved us. My first pregnancy was planned and we loved him while he was in my belly and fell in love with him when he came out.
My second wasn't planned, but I think it was fate. I was on the pill and got pregnant. My Mom was diagnosed with metastatic brain cancer. I feel there's a reason for everything that happens in life. Watching her die as I had this new life growing inside of me wasn't easy. I did go to church back then and felt that the pregnancy was a gift from God to keep me strong and give me faith while I watched the most loving and admired person in my life die. Mom died in Nov. and Bobby was born in April. What a bittersweet day. This beautiful child would never get the pleasure of knowing his Nana.
He asked me once if he was a mistake and I told him that he was my gift from God. I told him that he was my strength and hope during that time.
He died 4 1/2 years ago at the age of 21. I thank God for those 21 years with him. I honestly don't think I could have loved him more had I known he was going to die. I'm happy that he's with his Nana now. I've loved my kids with all of my heart and I guess I was blessed to not have had that dilemma when they were born.
Hahaha, I understand that. I was afraid that when my daughter got "older", like school-age, I wouldn't have that same attachment to her anymore. Instead, it just grew. I liked her as a teenager and I like her as an adult, too.
I had a friend that couldn't understand how we loved our children. She had no use for children, and had in fact been an only child and was never around a baby. She left a christening party once that she'd gone to with a date because she was carrying a beer from the bar and the newly-baptized was asleep in his little seat on the floor next to his mother...she tripped and dumped her beer over the baby. Another time she failed to recognize her best friend's daughter when another woman was holding her and she thought the other woman had had a baby and she didn't know.
But then she had her own. She could not believe how much she adored her daughter. When her little girl was a month or so into life, her husband said to her one night, "I really love our daughter, but you will always be first in my heart." She said she was speechless because she couldn't return the sentiment. She said her first thought was, "If it came down to it, I would kill you to save her."
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Originally Posted by shaylahc
I would do the same I believe it must be a biological function of preserving your own gene pool. I feel closer to my kids because they are literally a part of me. It would be like having to choose myself or my husband. I love my husband, but at the end of the day, I love me more. Same for my kids. I love them more. I love my husband, I just feel more fiercely about my children.
If I had to choose between me and my kids, I would choose my kids. I love them more than anything, even more than I love myself.
The way I see this...it's not a "blood thicker than water" thing. First of all, when I got pregnant that first time, I was really starting to question my purpose...I was working a lame retail job, I had no real goals in life. I was kind of drifting. And then this baby was there, that totally needed me for everything. I had a purpose. A sacred obligation. A mission.
So there is that...my kids NEED me where my husband is a grown adult who SHOULD be able to survive without me if it comes to it. Their wants do not always trump his (or mine) but their NEEDS do. If the house was on fire, I'm not coming out without both of my sons. My husband, he's on his own. I hope he makes it. I do love him...I don't always like him...but it's easier to forgive my sons when they do annoying things, because they are kids. And I feel like if they do the wrong things, it's at least partly my fault for not teaching them or parenting them better on that particular point. My husband, when he does annoying things I feel like he should know better. I am NOT his Mommy. Shouldn't have to be. But on the other hand, I fully expect the kids to grow up and get out and move on...but my husband and I could have many more years together (or not?) after that. And as the boys get older, I'm letting the apron strings go more and more slack, looking ahead to a day when they won't be children anymore, and trying to repair any damage that has happened in my marriage over all the years I focused more intently upon my parenting obligations.
But I have always believed that, improbable life threatening "who do you save" scenarios aside, my husband is important at least partially because my kids need their father in their lives. Starting with that reason and for plenty of other reasons on top of that. Probably a more accurate way to look at it is, my #1 priority is the family, at least until the kids become independent. Then, we'll see how it goes.
I keep hearing people insist that whether or not they were actually planning children, once they had them, they had love for them like no other, it was fulfilling, unconditional love, etc etc.
This all sounds all well and good, except I honestly find it hard to believe. How do you truly love someone just for the sake of having come out of your body, especially when it's just a baby? Feel responsible for caring for it, yes. But actually loving it?
For me, love takes time. And two-way interaction. And positive experiences. Etcetera
Infants are pretty much all the work/stress/energy without the interactivity that normally make children a joy to be around.
I can see myself gradually loving the child more and more as time went on, unless s/he was a complete nasty brat all the time.
But immediately? Instant unconditional love the very minute it was yanked out my innards? That doesn't seem possible.
Then again, even romantically I've never fallen in love quickly. It was a purposeful, gradual thing.
Also, I'm NOT saying I would dislike it or not treat the children with the utmost care. Just that actual love takes time -- and until then, my motivation would be duty and responsibility, as well as the love I have for my husband.
Is there something wrong with me? Because I've never heard of anyone feeling the same as me.
Before I had children, I was fully cognizant of the fact that I really did not understand what it was like to have children.
At.
All.
I think that's a useful attitude to have, because it's true.
By your own admission, you have no children and have little experience with them. Yet you are rejecting the collective testimony of many who do have children. Consider whether or not that is wise.
A parent's automatic love for their own children is as natural as a child's complete and total love for its parents. Welcome to evolutionary biology 101.
I fell in love with our daughter the minute she was born. And when I got pregnant with #2 I thought for sure I'd never love him as much as my first - but yet, I did. From the minute he arrived.
It's just something that happens.
Even to those of us who are tough nuts to crack.
I'd die for my kids - I'd risk life and limb for my kids. I look at them every day and can't believe they are mine. Even when they are fighting with each other, or being annoying, or making a mess of their just cleaned rooms, or deliberately ignoring my request to put their dishes in the sink. I love 'em. Good and bad.
I hear all the time that parents are worried that they'll never be able to love their new kids as much as their old kids. For me, it was the opposite. Who knows, maybe my hormones the second time around were more effective (ha!) but I didn't really bond with my first until after the second was born.
I do worry a little about how I'll bond with the fourth now that I have such a close relationship with my third. I do worry sometimes. So I guess I get that a bit more now, what the first-time mothers are worrying about when they go on to have their second.
I keep hearing people insist that whether or not they were actually planning children, once they had them, they had love for them like no other, it was fulfilling, unconditional love, etc etc.
This all sounds all well and good, except I honestly find it hard to believe. How do you truly love someone just for the sake of having come out of your body, especially when it's just a baby? Feel responsible for caring for it, yes. But actually loving it?
For me, love takes time. And two-way interaction. And positive experiences. Etcetera
Infants are pretty much all the work/stress/energy without the interactivity that normally make children a joy to be around.
I can see myself gradually loving the child more and more as time went on, unless s/he was a complete nasty brat all the time.
But immediately? Instant unconditional love the very minute it was yanked out my innards? That doesn't seem possible.
Then again, even romantically I've never fallen in love quickly. It was a purposeful, gradual thing.
Also, I'm NOT saying I would dislike it or not treat the children with the utmost care. Just that actual love takes time -- and until then, my motivation would be duty and responsibility, as well as the love I have for my husband.
Is there something wrong with me? Because I've never heard of anyone feeling the same as me.
I loved my baby the moment I knew I was pregnant. I love my children because they are part of me and because they are my children. I love my children because of who they are and the people they are becoming. It took no time, it was immediate. And it wasn't conditional. They are my blood.
It's partly that you feel so protective of a child that is completely helpless. They need you and you respond to that. Here is this perfect tiny human that you want to surround with love.
I don't understand how there are people in the world who do NOT feel that and who abuse or neglect or even kill their children. I thought about that a lot when my granddaughter was born. She is surrounded with love from everyone who interacts with her. All children deserve that and I hate thinking that there are children who are not loved.
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I believe it must be a biological function of preserving your own gene pool. I feel closer to my kids because they are literally a part of me. It would be like having to choose myself or my husband. I love my husband, but at the end of the day, I love me more. Same for my kids. I love them more. I love my husband, I just feel more fiercely about my children.
