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Old 01-11-2008, 04:02 PM
 
Location: Between Here and There
3,684 posts, read 10,839,295 times
Reputation: 1650

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Ok this is for all you daughters and moms out there since I have no way to understand this.

Background: This mother of the bride was an aquaintance from work. She was having extreme problems with her teenage daughter and basically told her she was no longer welcomed in the house when she was 17. I had a casual relationship with the daughter who then called me (from the hospital after a suicide attempt) and told me she had no where to go could she stay with me. I got a lot of help when I was that age so I figured it was my turn and said yes. She lived here for almost two years and is now out on her own doing great. We are extremely close and she loved by me as one of my children, the relationship bothers her mother even though I also know her mother totally appreciates that I took her in. She did reconcile with her mom but knows that living in another state is the only way to deal with her, they are oil and water. She is 22 now and got engaged at Christmas, she wants a fall wedding. She asked me to help her mom with the planning. The daughter and I have the same taste and her mom doesn't...so I think since she doesn't live in the state she wanted someone who was looking out for her interests. Her mom doesn't want my help and is planning an event for herself and not taking into account what the daughter wants....she actually booked a reception site after her daughter said she hated the idea...what is that? I offered money to make sure that the daughter can have what she wants but the mom told me that she didn't want to do that....I just don't understand why it matters where the money comes from if it gets the daughter the day she wants instead of some makeshift as cheap as possible thing. I mean I found a place that would do the whole thing for $6700 for 150 people...I mean everything soup to nuts...and it's beautiful. Offered to give her whatever she needed over what she could afford and she said no....what is that?!? She said flat out that she is the mom and that she needs to do this, and that by me talking to the daughter about stuff is ruining her fun and not to send the daughter any more ideas or info. I agreed not to start a war, but I have to tell the daughter so she knows why I'm suddenly not interested in her wedding. How do I tell her that with out causing a problem?

I know I have to get out of the middle...but I really want the daughter to have her dream wedding. I was thinking of just giving the daughter the money and letting her say she saved it to contribute to the wedding at the location she wants instead. That way the mother wouldn't need to know. What would you do?



(Note: my mother died when I was very young and I do not even remember her, no one took that place in my life growing up so I have no reference for the mother daughter thing.)
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Old 01-11-2008, 04:16 PM
 
Location: Texas
690 posts, read 2,353,894 times
Reputation: 451
Ooh, boy. I do not envy you.

You know what I'd do? I'd tell the daughter that as much as I love her and want her to be happy and would do anything in the world for her, I was NOT going to get involved in this and come between she and her mother. This is something for the daughter to work out with her mother - as in, give her a hearty, "I love you but BACK OFF." - and until that happens, things are going to get worse. You need to remove yourself from the situation and let the daughter and the mother come to an agreement first, IMO.
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Old 01-11-2008, 06:17 PM
 
Location: NJ
9,164 posts, read 20,195,772 times
Reputation: 6215
Quote:
Originally Posted by irishmom View Post
Ok this is for all you daughters and moms out there since I have no way to understand this.

Background: This mother of the bride was an aquaintance from work. She was having extreme problems with her teenage daughter and basically told her she was no longer welcomed in the house when she was 17. I had a casual relationship with the daughter who then called me (from the hospital after a suicide attempt) and told me she had no where to go could she stay with me. I got a lot of help when I was that age so I figured it was my turn and said yes. She lived here for almost two years and is now out on her own doing great. We are extremely close and she loved by me as one of my children, the relationship bothers her mother even though I also know her mother totally appreciates that I took her in. She did reconcile with her mom but knows that living in another state is the only way to deal with her, they are oil and water. She is 22 now and got engaged at Christmas, she wants a fall wedding. She asked me to help her mom with the planning. The daughter and I have the same taste and her mom doesn't...so I think since she doesn't live in the state she wanted someone who was looking out for her interests. Her mom doesn't want my help and is planning an event for herself and not taking into account what the daughter wants....she actually booked a reception site after her daughter said she hated the idea...what is that? I offered money to make sure that the daughter can have what she wants but the mom told me that she didn't want to do that....I just don't understand why it matters where the money comes from if it gets the daughter the day she wants instead of some makeshift as cheap as possible thing. I mean I found a place that would do the whole thing for $6700 for 150 people...I mean everything soup to nuts...and it's beautiful. Offered to give her whatever she needed over what she could afford and she said no....what is that?!? She said flat out that she is the mom and that she needs to do this, and that by me talking to the daughter about stuff is ruining her fun and not to send the daughter any more ideas or info. I agreed not to start a war, but I have to tell the daughter so she knows why I'm suddenly not interested in her wedding. How do I tell her that with out causing a problem?

I know I have to get out of the middle...but I really want the daughter to have her dream wedding. I was thinking of just giving the daughter the money and letting her say she saved it to contribute to the wedding at the location she wants instead. That way the mother wouldn't need to know. What would you do?



(Note: my mother died when I was very young and I do not even remember her, no one took that place in my life growing up so I have no reference for the mother daughter thing.)
Why is the mother planning the wedding?
I would not let someone else pick where I wanted to have it.
The daughter should be picking it, telling the mother where she wants to have it.. it is her day after all.

Do you live in the same state as the daughter? How often do you actually see her?
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Old 01-12-2008, 07:20 AM
 
3,107 posts, read 8,030,631 times
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I am a former p/t wedding coordinator. You have done a wonderful deed for this young woman but you aren't her mother; mom probably resents to some extent the role you have played of late in her daughter's life and feels that "mother of the bride" is HER domain and not yours. Sharing the role with you is not at all what she envisions.

That being said, I think that the daughter may have to step up to the plate and either plan the wedding herself or tell her mother exactly what kind of participation she wants from you and her mother.

If her mother has a problem with that and refuses to contribute, then it is what it is. At that point, the young woman can approach you for the help you're willing to give. If she wants her mother involved, then they need to have a mature conversation about the details. Daughter has to be willing to make this wedding happen on her own - dream wedding or not - if she wants to avoid further conflict with her mom.

Weddings really should be a personal affair that reflects the personalities of the bride & groom - not a parent's taste. I think that getting mom involved to the extent of even picking the site will create more friction in the long run.
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Old 01-12-2008, 08:27 AM
 
Location: In the real world!
2,178 posts, read 8,219,530 times
Reputation: 2772
I would back out of it and tell the daughter she needs to plan her own wedding if she wants what she wants or just accept what Mom is doing and keep quiet about it. She may be better off just having a small wedding where she is and forgetting all this other stuff. Do her own wedding where she is so she can do it HER way, invite Mom and Mom will only be a "guest" and come in to play the role of mother of the bride. (Mom obviously don't care what the daughter thinks or wants anyway so why not have part of what she wants by doing it herself?)
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Old 01-12-2008, 08:59 AM
 
2,222 posts, read 9,137,109 times
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She should elope. The mother is not listening to her daughter (same old problems?) and is jealous of you. I just can't see what should be a wonderful day turning out as anything but a disaster at this point.
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Old 01-12-2008, 06:25 PM
 
7,788 posts, read 10,443,690 times
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I would "get out of the middle" but not "out" altogether.

To a large extent, I think Sampaguita offered excellent advice. Let's face it: Mom already resents you for having done what she couldn't do. You have a connection with her daughter that she somehow couldn't have. I don't doubt that she is grateful as well, (at least I hope she is!!!) however, battle lines become drawn when it comes to mothers and weddings. (Trust me, I fought with mine endlessly until I walked down the isle. The woman damn near drove me nuts!) That being said, I think you need to be honest with the daughter. You certainly seem to have a close enough relationship with her, and I would hope that she would respect your honesty and position in this whole triangulated affair! I would continue to maintain a close relationship with her, however, as I suspect that she will continue to need your understanding and emotional support as regards her mother.

This is just a thought, but what about the idea of giving the daughter the money that you offered to spend on the wedding as a wedding present to pay for the honeymoon? --That's a sort of "happy medium" for you, as it is so clear to me how much you love this girl, and want to see her happy. So a part of me is thinking: Let the mother do the wedding, let the daughter learn to communicate her wants and dislikes to her mother, and you remain on standby for the emotional fallout/support. And find out from the daughter and her fiance where they would most like to go on a honeymoon. I would have no qualms telling them that under the circumstances, (vis-a-vis the situation with the mother) that this was perhaps the best of scenarios...It may not be the perfect, beautiful wedding she wants, but Paris is very nice in the fall...And I don't doubt she would love you for that, only second to the love she knows that you have provided for her emotionally.

???

Take gente care.
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Old 01-12-2008, 11:48 PM
 
Location: Between Here and There
3,684 posts, read 10,839,295 times
Reputation: 1650
Thanks for the advice. I already booked their honeymoon as a present to them. And honestly the mother liked all the ideas that I was giving her until I backed her daughter about the venue she booked...I agreed it was ugly and expensive for ugly and all of a sudden my help was not wanted. I offered the money because honestly I don't think a few thousand dollars should stop anyone from having what they want if it's possible to come up with it and for me that's not going "I'm bored" shopping for a few months (sad but true) so why not give it to her to help.

I stepped out (well I was told to by the mother) explained to the daughter I would help her in anyway she wanted, but that she needed to tell her mother what she wanted. I also told her if she either liked the place I sent her better or found another place that she liked better to find out how much, if anything, her mother wanted to give her to help pay for the wedding and to tell her that she and her fiancee will do the rest and I would help her on the side if needed. Neither of us knew her mom would get quite this freaky and territorial over it. The daughter's words were "Welcome to my childhood, this is how it has always been!" It's not worth having a huge fight with her mother over it, we actually do quite like eachother under normal circumstances. So hopefully she will come to her senses and ask for help if she needs it, I know the daughter will come to me if she needs it.

She is going to look at wedding gowns tomorrow so that will be fun for her, I told her to take her cousin (lives in the same area) with her and have a fun day. Hopefully that will put the focus back on the fun part for her again.

This is such a good place to vent, thanks for listening.
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Old 01-13-2008, 05:10 AM
 
Location: FL
1,943 posts, read 7,627,049 times
Reputation: 2236
I think I am going to go against some people. I don't think you should step out. Unforuntately, children cannot choose who their parents are, and sometimes...it is a shame who they have. You are more of less like her "foster" mother or "adopted" mother. And yes, I know that the real mother is the blood mother...but if they have had such a rocky relationship as you say....maybe blood doesn't matter.

But I do agree that this daughter, being her age and out of the mother's house...needs to put her foot down and tell her mother she will not be having the reception there, no ifs,ands or buts. It is her choice and her wedding. And then she will have eyou right there to support her for her choice. If the mother wants to be petty and pull out, then it shows what kind of selfish person she is, and how important you are....and it was the right choice for you to be more involved than the blood mother. Sometimes it isn't about blood and who technically is in the family. Sometimes it is just all about who loves you and wants to do what is best for you, and not just what is best for themselves.
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