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Old 01-12-2008, 05:28 PM
 
261 posts, read 858,062 times
Reputation: 114

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My son has been on this tirade for a while of yelling at us, throwing his fists up like he's going hit us, yelling at us that he hates us, screaming at us, stomping to his room and slamming doors.

I remember doing all of this when I was a teenager. Any thoughts?

We just moved and he is in a new school (stress related could be part of it) but this has been going on since May, right after he turned 5.

Any thoughts or ideas of how to deal with behavior. I take away his movie time, already limit TV and other punishments. I'm running out of ideas that will work.

Thanks,

Jenn
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Old 01-12-2008, 07:59 PM
 
Location: New York
371 posts, read 1,785,029 times
Reputation: 250
Hey Jenn,

Sounds like my son also. I have gotten to this point. I now enforce time outs and instead of his bedroom, he sits in a chair and faces the wall for 5 minutes. He absolutely hates it! Isn't that great. A punishment he hates and it doesn't hurt him. If he turns away from the wall or turns the chair I add another minute. I usually only have to give him one a day and then the counting works. I only get to 1 and he cooperates (sometimes 2), but that's it. I wish you a lot of good luck. I am sure you'll figure something out.

My son's defiance pretty much stepped up around this age too. I'm not sure why, but maybe they are trying to become more independent and want to stay our babies too. I know the thought of going to school this Fall kind of freaks him out, but he wants to and he doesn't. A lot of conflicting emotions they don't quite understand yet.

We moved last August and it was pretty stressful. Moving is huge! We moved cross country and he left all his friends and still says he wants to move back. I say when he's old enough to live on his own he can return if he wants to. He usually then says he doesn't ever want to live without Mommy or Daddy. I hope that's his innocence and not an indication of a 30 year old son living at home. LOL!! Just kidding. Good luck and I look forward to hearing all the responses you'll get.
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Old 01-13-2008, 07:05 AM
 
Location: Grosse Ile Michigan
24,718 posts, read 59,596,711 times
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We had some of those. we just refused to empower them. If they said "I hate you" we said "good! Hooray!" we used to compete for who could get the most "I hate you"s in one day. If they had fits/tirades, we paid as little attention as possible and stuck them in their rooms. If they went bananas and ripped their room apart, we left it that way for a while.

We believed that they are using their tirades to get power over you and/or get attention. If it fails to work, it will stop. If you give them attention or allow them to upset (control) you, it will get worse.

It seemed to work.

No one is an expert on child rearing. Every child is different. However some things seemed to work with any or al of our children.
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Old 01-13-2008, 08:19 AM
 
Location: North Texas
384 posts, read 850,456 times
Reputation: 256
Quote:
Originally Posted by aomething View Post
My son has been on this tirade for a while of yelling at us, throwing his fists up like he's going hit us, yelling at us that he hates us, screaming at us, stomping to his room and slamming doors.

I remember doing all of this when I was a teenager. Any thoughts?

We just moved and he is in a new school (stress related could be part of it) but this has been going on since May, right after he turned 5.

Any thoughts or ideas of how to deal with behavior. I take away his movie time, already limit TV and other punishments. I'm running out of ideas that will work.

Thanks,

Jenn
Limit his TV time? He deserves no TV time. I raised two fine boys who are now in their 20's and there were times that they tried to act out such as this as well. I explained to them that I am only required to provide food, water, shelter and a bathroom and that all other "luxuries" such as TV, games, toys, going to the park, etc. were not required and were taken away. They ended up in a very stark room with nothing on the walls and no toys to play with until they started to behave. When they were required to stay in their room with nothing but a bed their attitudes started changing. When they started to behave, and they did, I would only give them back priveliges periodically, not all at once. Once they know you are in control and not afraid to take everything away from them they will understand that you are in charge and what behavior is acceptable. You have to be in control and not be afraid to use tough measures. If you don't do it now you will have no chance when they are teens. Will this work for your situation? Don't know. It worked for mine.
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Old 01-13-2008, 08:32 AM
 
Location: Chicago
2,467 posts, read 11,120,545 times
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First, you need to think about what happened to trigger this? What happened in May? You said he moved schools. This could be the trigger if the old school ended in May. When young children are depressed/anxious, etc they act out like your son is. The important thing is to brainstorm why he is acting this way and then try to help that situation. If he's sad about moving to a new school, is it because he misses his teachers? Friends? If you're close enough, he could "earn" time to spend with these people based on good behavior. Help him to make friends where he is at now.
Also, take away ALL privledges (NO TV time, etc) unless he acts correctly. Create a detailed behavior chart outlining what you expect from him. He should earn stickers based on his good behavior and if he earns a certain number of stickers he gets something (TV time, to pick somewhere to go for lunch, etc). Just make sure that this done within a reasonable time frame (i.e., he can earn something small every day, but something bigger maybe by the end of the week) and that it's realistic so that he can "earn his way back" if he really messes up. You will need to stick with this for awhile though before it might sink in. Also, take everything "fun" out of his room and if he slams his bedroom door, literally take it off the hinges. He looses ALL priveledges until he starts earning his way back.
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Old 01-13-2008, 09:11 AM
 
Location: NJ
9,182 posts, read 20,208,384 times
Reputation: 6256
Quote:
Originally Posted by aomething View Post
My son has been on this tirade for a while of yelling at us, throwing his fists up like he's going hit us, yelling at us that he hates us, screaming at us, stomping to his room and slamming doors.

I remember doing all of this when I was a teenager. Any thoughts?

We just moved and he is in a new school (stress related could be part of it) but this has been going on since May, right after he turned 5.

Any thoughts or ideas of how to deal with behavior. I take away his movie time, already limit TV and other punishments. I'm running out of ideas that will work.

Thanks,

Jenn
Depending on the kid, he may hate you more the more strict & punishing you are.

He's 5, not old enough to understand why he's so mad, and instead of trying to talk to him to find out what's so bad about the new house / location / school, you are punishing him more. He could feel like no one is on his "side"

Has he made any friends yet at his new place? Talk to the teacher, ask how he is there. Sounds to me like he needs a big hug, telling him that eventually he will meet new friends and will like his new place very much.
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Old 01-13-2008, 09:41 AM
 
Location: Assisi, Italy
1,845 posts, read 3,824,886 times
Reputation: 353
Ok

We need data points. Is this ALL the time? Is he tired? sugared up? hungry?
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Old 01-13-2008, 04:44 PM
 
Location: NJ
9,182 posts, read 20,208,384 times
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BTW, I'm not saying not to punish him.. but the punishment should be something that isn't so harsh. The corner for a few minutes, or his gameboy / favorite thing for a certain time. I remember being little & getting punished for doing something due to stress, yet no one cared to ask me why I was acting up.
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Old 01-13-2008, 06:14 PM
 
12,446 posts, read 13,091,627 times
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I agree with the post to keep the reaction to him to a minimum. Even when a discipline or punishment is delivered like time-out it is done in a calm fashion. I also encouraged the use of words, even if he wasn't participating in that, over time it got through. So things like "It sounds like you're really angry" "It sounds like you are really frustrated and upset." helps to put words and feelings to it for him, which are good skills for him to get.

Big emotions can feel really scary to a kid, unmanageable, dangerous like he's going to hurt himself or someone. If he sees they are received in a way that is not earth shaking, but calm and reasonable and every-day it can help them become more manageable. If he's kinesthetic and needs to blow off steam physically then the plastic bat banging pillows is good. Mine was more verbal, like the shouting and saying I hate you and what worked with him was the verbal expression. It has to be OK for a kid of mine to tell me whatever he is feeling, including hate and anger and whatever, it is important he develop a language for his feelings. That was a tool I wanted my kids to have. His feelings are valid, it's not up to me to talk him out of them or punish him for them.
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Old 01-13-2008, 06:56 PM
 
261 posts, read 858,062 times
Reputation: 114
Well, I've been trying to put all of this advise together and come up with a way to talk with DS. This evening DS was climbing underneath the dining table. Not a problem, as he has always liked to do that. DH told him to go wash hands and then go sit at table to get ready for dinner. DS sat under the table ignoring DH, was told a 2nd time, still ignoring. Third time resulted in DH yelling for him to get out from underneath table and DS yelling back, "You are such a cry baby, Dad, get over it, you can't tell me what to do". That got my blood boiling. I escorted son to his room, we put on PJ's and sat him on his bed for 10 mins. He had been defying us all day, but was getting better later on, so we thought things were starting to sink in. He told him earlier in the day that if he was fresh to us again - words that hurt - then he would be sleeping on the bottom bunk of his bunkbed set. When we moved, we had promised son that he could have the new bunk bed set he got last year for Christmas, set up in new house. So, we set them up. But today, we told him that we if he misbehaved then he would sleep on the bottom. This upset him. We followed through. He is sleeping on the bottom is not real happy about having to do so.

He had a time out today, and we put him into a chair facing the wall, with an egg timer so that he knew how long he had to be there. This helped, we think.

I did manage to talk with son today about why he thinks he gets angry and he said it was because he missed me whenever he goes to school. He didn't make a whole lot of sense. In May, he turned 5, then "graduated" from Preschool in June and then spent the whole summer home with me. During the summer we were doing renovations on our condo to sell it, he was dropped off at family and friends houses for playdates. Maybe he's feeling upset that we didn't completely involve him in the renovations, but he was involved in the staging, cleaning, open houses. We spoke to him all summer about moving and we even have playdates setup with his friends from our old neighborhood to hopefully make him feel better.

He's only been in school 3 full days, so he hasn't made LOTS of friends but he has made a couple. Son is very friendly, outgoing, loveable and funny and will not have problems making friends, but I know he's feeling stressed, I'm just not sure what else to do.

Sorry if I've been rambling. Thanks for reading my long post.

Jenn
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