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I also believe in leading by example.
So out go the booze, cigs, junk food, vegging in front of TV, gossip...
Or, the reverse could be said that (other than cigs--YUCK) that all of those are good for you, in moderation, so leading by example shows your child that you can have A drink with dinner and not have to binge drink or that an occasional ice cream cone isn't going to hurt you or sometimes you just need to turn everything off and vege in front of the tv, but not all day, every day....
So very grateful to have all the expert non-parents here set all the real-life parents straight. Kinda like having candy-stripers performing open-heart surgery.......
Wrong. Your idea that someone has to experience something in order to offer useful insights is patently ridiculous. For instance, do you really think people who haven't been raped fail to understand understand how traumatic that experience is? Anyone with an ounce of empathy in their body would get that. Being a parent doesn't automatically make a person a parenting expert. And just because a person isn't a parent doesn't mean they know nothing about parenting, either. How many stories of horrific child abuse by "parents" do you read every day?
True enough I don't think I showered without interruption for about 6 - 8 years, someone always needed to know where something was, even when Dad was home...LOL
Wrong. Your idea that someone has to experience something in order to offer useful insights is patently ridiculous. For instance, do you really think people who haven't been raped fail to understand understand how traumatic that experience is? Anyone with an ounce of empathy in their body would get that. Being a parent doesn't automatically make a person a parenting expert. And just because a person isn't a parent doesn't mean they know nothing about parenting, either. How many stories of horrific child abuse by "parents" do you read every day?
The op came here asking a question because he admittedly doesn't understand. That isn't even up for debate. If he understood he wouldn't be asking.
Do people seriously have such short memories? I was a kid once and I remember most of it. Even if I didn't realize I was difficult then, reflecting back with the maturity of an adult, I know I was difficult. Kids make tons of demands without thinking about how others feel. I still remember being this way. I'm a parent now and witness this daily but I don't need to be a parent to know how kids are.
The difficulty has nothing to do with cleaning and laundry. You're right. That stuff can be outsourced for not much money (if you could find someone reliable, which is debatable). Anyway, here's my take...
Every single thing you do, whether purposefully or unintentionally (and even unknowingly) is helping to form another human being into who they are and who they will become. And there is no instruction manual, but there are a million people telling you that you're doing it wrong. There are also a million people who will tell you you're doing it right and neither of these groups of people have any bearing on whether you actually are doing anything right or wrong! The most difficult times are when you know you need to do something (or you think you need to do something but in my experience often you don't have to do anything...silly phases eventually pass) but have no idea what that something is.
For better or worse, our own bad habits, flaws, anxieties as well is gifts, talents and positive character traits we will see reflected in our own children. They are your own personal mirror. Being a parent (at least a good one, which means being willing to see our own flaws and grow through them) is the ultimate life skills class in self help. Anytime you look into a mirror and see yourself as you really are, it's painful. I promise. Sometimes you will beam with pride. Sometimes you will cringe in horror, but you'll certainly never be bored. Being a parent changes you, if you let it (some don't) and wearing off all those rough edges by constantly being faced with things you need to improve will make your life fuller and happier. It is very personally rewarding, but hard. Sort of similar to marriage...or boot camp.
Seeing your kids make mistakes and letting them do it because they need to learn life lessons, seeing them suffer when they are sick or G-d forbid have a lifelong illness or disability, seeing them struggle through the pain of loneliness, will break your heart and bring you to your knees. And yet, there are times when, in a similar way to your spouse or anyone else you might live with for a long period of time, you can't stand to be in the same room as them. And yet, the next minute you would sacrifice anything you have to see them do well in life.
And then imagine...did you see the movie series Toy Story? Did it make you bawl your eyes out...maybe not if you're not a parent. But that circle of life, seeing youth grow and mature...it's just bittersweet. And you realize the preciousness of life and often you're much older than you wish you had been when it occurred to you that there is something to cherish in every moment of life. And you wish that you had spent your time better when your now nearly-grown kids were babies. You wish you had rocked them more and hurried them less, that you had not made such a big deal of the little things like making a mess or spilling their drink. You wish you could look into those sweet eyes again, while they still had the look of wonder that they lose around 4 years old. And then it's gone and they're gone.
And that's why it's hard. You probably really won't get it until you have kids.
Whether you work or stay home, there is always a person out there that dictates everything you do, every decision you make. Even if you are home, you are on-call 24/7 and just about everything you do while they are at school, you do with the kid(s) in mind.
Even if the hours of 8-3 aren't "hard" for a SAHP of a school aged child, your question regarding what's so hard doesn't even really apply. The "hard" parts of parenting don't just happen during certain hours. It is 24/7/365 for the rest of your life. Some say it is like having a piece of your heart walking around outside of your body. It involves a lot of worry, stress, and emotional investment.
When they hurt, you hurt. When you can't fix the hurt, you hurt more.
You seem to be implying that there is no reason for a parent to stay home when the kids are in school. To that I say, try working full time while your spouse works long hours or travels for work, and get a kid (let alone 2 or 3) to soccer practice or dance by 4:30 or 5:00 multiple times/week, get a healthy dinner on the table, make sure they get their homework done and bags packed for the next day, make sure they bathe... plus get all the cleaning, laundry, etc done. Go ahead. Try it.
All that, plus-you have to try to "reason" with people who have no reasoning skills, deal with people who can't postpone their needs/wants even for a second when they're tiny, and not for very long even when they're a bit older, and on into high school. Kids are impulsive, I could go on and on. I enjoyed it very much, but it was a lot of work.
Quote:
Originally Posted by don1945
I never felt that one minute of raising our two Sons was really "difficult", it was just something we enjoyed and made the best of. Sure, there were times that money was tight, and problems like that, but not enough to make it unbearable or unpleasant.
My Wife at the time was an RN, so I would work during the day, and she would go to bed for a few hours when I got home, then work 11-7. While she was at work I would take care of them and have them up and fed the next morning. She would put them in bed with her and they would sleep for a few more hours so she could get some sleep too. We were both young and able to handle those schedules.
Yes, it was somewhat hard, but once they were in school things settled down a little. But would I trade it for anything ? Not for all the money in the world !
Don
Selective memory if you can't remember ever feeling it was difficult.
Before I had kids, I was a hard-charging, 70+ hour a week mortgage bank VP. Loved my work. One of my employees came to me to give me a heads up, to let me know that she wanted to resign in a couple of months-- her children were starting middle school, and she wanted to be home with them... I was intrigued -- why NOW? Most people would be going BACK to work at her stage.
You've got that right. I thought the same thing...and frankly, when I was growing up, that was the time many SAHMs thought about re-entering the work force.
However I didn't really understand how parenting has changed until we went through it. I found parenting teenagers MUCH more work than any other stage, including infanthood. You have to be a master diplomat, litigator, therapist, coordinator, resource specialist, etc.
not having kids , you have a different perspective than being a parent,,
if you look at one day, or a few hours segment, in the prism of a work-shift,,,you can say that doesn't seem so tough
however,.. your world changes when you first hold your baby, this is part of you, you are the baby's protector, and nurturer, your own upbringing comes into play.. because you are now an adult, and echos of your past come into play,,,, from feeding, to letting the baby cry, to spending time,,,,when the baby is a toddler, how much time do you spend,,,, holding them when they are sick, and,,,how not to be screaming at them when they are irritable,,,as they grow,,you can remember similar struggles (first day of school) and not repeat/cycle the crap part of your own childhood- all along the way...
half the houses- parents are divorced,,,,or major tension with one spouse, or one parent mother is working two jobs,,,father left town or a drug addict,,,or both parents work,,,,get home late in the afternoon,,
this is life,,,just not parenting,
and parents don't give themselves enough "sanity, balance" time,,,, to defragment, refocus,,, one day falls into the next..
a parents' worry, never ceases,,,, because you have to protect them from the dangers of society without scaring them..
its easy to look from a distance and critique...that doesn't look so tough...but until you walk in that persons shoes you don't have a right to judge...
when my son was in first grade he was being bullied by a bigger kid,,, so being the protector, I went in and talked with the teacher, was very heavy handed with her,,"if this school cant stop bullying" maybe ill take him to another school" the teacher looked at me and somberly said , "this particular boys mother is dying of cancer , she is on her deathbed, he was just told she will die soon, this boy is acting out.. he is angry ...and doesn't know how to cope with this, he will soon be moving away to live with his aunt
I felt two inches tall.... now I felt bad for this boy, I didn't know the full picture!!!!
it so easy to misjudge!!
I use to parse out my boss's job and say- he's a manager and has a simpler (labor intensive) job...but I never saw the other side,,,where he has to fire people, or give a speech or presentations in front of hundreds - a mature skill set I didn't have at the time,,
I have a funny story related to your last paragraph. One time when my brother, cousins and I were all in our early-mid 20s, we were at a family gathering. We were all complaining about our bosses, they didn't know anything, etc, etc. My oldest cousin looked at my father, and said, "Uncle K, you've had a long career in management, what do you think of this conversation"? My dad replied "I think it's hard to get the job done when everyone working for you thinks they know more than you!". It was a good life lesson.
Quote:
Originally Posted by JrzDefector
I don't have kids, but I understand how hard it is. That's kind of why I'm not a parent. Try raising a puppy. A newly weaned pup, or better yet, one that had to be weaned early for whatever reason. Then multiply the difficulty by 10. Because a kid needs you for EVERYTHING. Unlike a pup, they don't just drag themselves over to the teat to nurse. You can't stick it in a crate like you do a puppy.
Try multiplying the difficulty by 10,000 and you might be close. The bold is so true. They have to be supervised, every minute for at least a decade. You have to do it, or pay someone else to do it.
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