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Thread summary:

Little sister self destructing; advice on telling mother about her partying, drinking and sexual promiscuity, should I tell mother or keep it a secret, little sister lives 2600 miles away

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Old 01-15-2008, 10:31 PM
 
Location: The mountians of Northern California.
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I hope it works out for your sister. 14 is so young.
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Old 01-16-2008, 06:54 AM
 
Location: Chicago 'burbs'
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I'm so sorry that this happened. Your poor sister needs someone she trusts to be there for her. You have tried so hard, hopefully you telling your mother will only be a temporary setback to your relationship with your sister. Is there an Aunt or one of your old friends that lives by her who would be willing to step in as a "Big sister"?
Kids need guidence at this age, and supervision!! Yelling doesn't accomplish anything when you've already lost control. They need set rules and consistant follow-through! I hope your mother will wake up soon and be a mother to this girl that really needs her. If not I hope she will just get fed up and let your sister come live with you. You sound like you are ready for the challenges it may bring.
Best of luck to you all. I really hope things change for the better soon!!
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Old 01-16-2008, 11:42 AM
 
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People don't change or seek help until they hit their own personal bottom, that could be years or never, people don't accept recovery until they are ready.

The greatest gift you can give yourself and your sister is to get yourself into an Al-Anon meeting, for families and friends whose loved ones are alcoholics/addicts. There you have all the support and practical advice from people who have gone through exactly what you are going through. You are not alone.
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Old 01-16-2008, 12:39 PM
 
Location: Burlington County NJ
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Quote:
Originally Posted by noplacelikeWA View Post
Thanks for the replies, I decided to tell. I just couldn't let her hide this from my mom. So far the results are...


1. My sister hates me for betraying her, she told me off and doesn't want me involved in her life in any way. This is what I expected but it is also so heartbreaking. I love her sooo much and I really want to help her, I just hope she forgives me sooner rather than later.

She'll get over it - she's 15

2. My mom played cool with me as usual but I expect she reacted much worse with my sister. The routine with her is always the same, yell and scream, ground her for a week and then forget it ever happened. She did make some effort by taking her to a NA meeting and setting up GYN appt for next week, I just hope this time she keeps on it and really helps her get over the drug/drinking and monitors whom she lets her hang with more closely.

I hope she will too

I would contact CPS if I thought they would actually do something, unfortunately I am very familiar with the abuse/neglect laws where they live and at this point they would likely do nothing.

If you honestly feel that your sister in is mental or physical danger by being with your Mother then call - the worst they can do is nothing - but maybe they will do something. It could be as simple as offering counseling!

I am thinking about offering to pay for rehab if she is willing to go. First I need to find a program that won't inconvienence my mom too much before I propose this idea. (She was evaluated a couple of months ago and they reccommended she go into inpatient care immediately, she refused but agreed to out patient treatment. My mom decided not to bother at the time because of the cost and inconvienence.)
I think you are a wonderful caring sister for being willing to go this far for her. If you can get her into an inpatient program that would probably be the best.....time away from Mom might be what she needs. Check out with CPS or whatever if she even has a choice....she may not - in which case it would be up to your mother.
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Old 01-17-2008, 08:57 AM
 
Location: Johns Island, SC
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I wish I had less experience with this than I do.... my other sister started drugging at 15 as well. It took her 10 years to hit bottom and in the mean time she had 4 children. At one point it got to be too dangerous for the kids and I did contact the authorities and after 5 years of fostering them my husband and I adopted all 4 children. We have been raising them as our own for the past 7 years. Even after finally sobering up, she hates me for "taking her kids away" to this day.

My baby sister may only be 15 but she has all the support in the world to hate me for the rest of her life. Both my mom and my other sister encourage her to believe I am a control freak and a terrible parent because I am way too strict. I also just discovered that I have been blocked from viewing her myspace page. This tells me that my mom is not keeping to her so called plan to get her away from the loser friends that keep dragging her down.

The whole situation seems hopeless again.
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Old 01-17-2008, 10:23 AM
 
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I have no idea what support is available in your home town, but where I used to live there was a mentoring/buddy service where young adults worked with teens as friends and advisors. The buddies weren't there to be judgemental, just to give the teens another perspective, away from family and school, and to give support and direction to other means of advice if they needed it.

I used to do fundraising for them, and I know it really helped some of the kids I knew from there.

BTW you are a great sister. Good luck
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Old 01-18-2008, 12:08 PM
 
Location: Ostend,Belgium....
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Gosh I hope your mom steps up to the plate real soon. You did the right thing in telling but it's not finished, you'll have to try to stick with it, no matter how much your sister says she hates you. It's like you took your mom's role and you shouldn't have to do that but it can't be helped in this case. Right now your sister isn't in a position to judge your actions rationally so she lashes out at those who love her the most.
Worse things can happen to her if she doesn't stop her behavior and I hope you get the help you need in helping your sister. Part of her problem is probably that she needs a mom who shows she cares and doesn't yell and carry on so. Can you go live near them? Just to keep an eye on things for a while? Not sure if your sister living with you would help. She needs professional help I think.
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Old 01-21-2008, 09:02 AM
 
Location: Johns Island, SC
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She broke her silence over the weekend and called me. She is still very upset with me. She told me that she understands I was just trying to help and that she knows I just want what is best for her, but in the same breath she swears she will never trust me again and that "her sex life is her business and nobody elses!"

My mom has been sending me phony emails painting a rosey picture of how she is dealing with the situation, however my sister told me that my mothers reaction was worse than I thought. My mom called her a ***** and more about keeping her legs closed. She did set up a doctor appt which I think is for some time this week but that was it.

Now my sister is living with my aunt instead and is planning to work towards getting emancipated so that she can move in with her older friend and do what she wants with her life. My mom told her to go for it.

She also told me I am too judgemental about her friends and that she is glad they were there for her to give her plan b and to support her.

I'm not sure moving closer to her would help at this point, or having her move in with us either. She actually told me not to feel bad for living far away because she doesn't listen to what the adults in her life are telling her anyways. She just wants to depend on herself and to be on her own because she can't trust anybody but herself to take care of herself.

I tried to gently tell her that she may be in for a rude awakening. I am very sad of course and I really see no way of helping her at this point.
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Old 01-21-2008, 12:08 PM
 
Location: Burlington County NJ
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I'm sorry to hear things are not going as well as hoped. I know she's a teenager...and she's saying she won't listen etc.....but what she really wants is someone like you who cares enough to tell her - she just doesn't know it. If she were my sister, I would forget the emanicipated business and have her move in with me and my family. However, I don't know what your situation is etc so I wouldn't judge if that is not what you choose to do.

good luck to you and your family - your a good big sister.
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Old 01-21-2008, 05:03 PM
 
Location: The mountians of Northern California.
1,354 posts, read 5,630,597 times
Reputation: 1270
Quote:
Originally Posted by noplacelikeWA View Post
She broke her silence over the weekend and called me. She is still very upset with me. She told me that she understands I was just trying to help and that she knows I just want what is best for her, but in the same breath she swears she will never trust me again and that "her sex life is her business and nobody elses!"

My mom has been sending me phony emails painting a rosey picture of how she is dealing with the situation, however my sister told me that my mothers reaction was worse than I thought. My mom called her a ***** and more about keeping her legs closed. She did set up a doctor appt which I think is for some time this week but that was it.

Now my sister is living with my aunt instead and is planning to work towards getting emancipated so that she can move in with her older friend and do what she wants with her life. My mom told her to go for it.

She also told me I am too judgemental about her friends and that she is glad they were there for her to give her plan b and to support her.

I'm not sure moving closer to her would help at this point, or having her move in with us either. She actually told me not to feel bad for living far away because she doesn't listen to what the adults in her life are telling her anyways. She just wants to depend on herself and to be on her own because she can't trust anybody but herself to take care of herself.

I tried to gently tell her that she may be in for a rude awakening. I am very sad of course and I really see no way of helping her at this point.
Hang in there and see how it goes. There is only so much one person can do, which is really frustrating. Keep the lines of communication open.
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