U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Parenting
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Thread summary:

Little sister self destructing; advice on telling mother about her partying, drinking and sexual promiscuity, should I tell mother or keep it a secret, little sister lives 2600 miles away

Reply Start New Thread
 
Old 01-14-2008, 02:26 PM
 
Location: Johns Island, SC
797 posts, read 2,695,491 times
Reputation: 1090

Advertisements

My little sister has been slowly self destructing for the past 21 months and I have been doing everything possible to help and support her. She is 18years younger than me and lives 2600miles away. I shared some of the problems on a previous thread...

My babysister is self destructing and my mother doesn't care...

Well the situation has been escalating. Over the past several weeks I have been gaining her trust and she has been more honest with me than she had been. Not being afraid to tell me all the dirt on what she's been up to and how she keeps all this from my mother. Most of it is about lieing and hanging out with loser friends, getting drunk and high on weed. I have been struggling with what I should tell my mother if anything, because usually she doesn't care much beyond yelling at my sister about it. On Friday my mother became aware that she has successful failed every class for the first semester of highschool and all she did was yell at her. On Saturday she let her go out with friends and sleep over with a girl. Well on Sunday I spoke to my sister who was very upset. She told me what really happened on Saturday...

The girls went out all night to a party at some guys house, where they hooked up with some more loser friends. They all got very drunk, so drunk that she couldn't even walk. Apparently after coming too her friends told her that she needed to take a plan B pill because she had sex with one of the boys and that the condem broke. She claims she has no memory of actually having sex, just kissing and holding hands. She was very upset because she claims it was her first time. Based on other details I do think it is possible it was her first time. She was completely panicked about all the possible outcomes, pregancy or stds. I asked if she felt like they tricked her or forced her and she said no. I advised her to tell my mother and get to the doctor asap. She refuses to tell my mom.

Would you tell?
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 01-14-2008, 03:03 PM
 
3,107 posts, read 8,030,631 times
Reputation: 2248
What kind of relationship do YOU have with your mother? Would she trust your advice to her or would she fly off the handle? How old is your sister?
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 01-14-2008, 03:07 PM
 
Location: Burlington County NJ
1,969 posts, read 5,286,927 times
Reputation: 2657
If she's 18 and you care so much (which you obviously do) can she come live with you? You sound like you may be able to give her the direction she needs.

Good luck!
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 01-14-2008, 03:45 PM
 
Location: Johns Island, SC
797 posts, read 2,695,491 times
Reputation: 1090
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sampaguita View Post
What kind of relationship do YOU have with your mother? Would she trust your advice to her or would she fly off the handle? How old is your sister?
She is 14 will be 15 in one month. My mother thinks I want to compete with her and believes she is a great mom, it is not a healthy relationship.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 01-14-2008, 03:46 PM
 
3,031 posts, read 8,150,473 times
Reputation: 830
Is there another trusted adult in the community where your sister lives that you can speak with who might be able to step in and help mentor this poor girl? Clergy? Guidance counselor? Teacher? One of your friends?

The idea of having your sister live with you isn't bad, except you might want to realize that she will probably butt heads with you as well once she gets there and the honeymoon phase has worn off. You will in essence become an authority figure and she is rebelling against authority.

Is there a counselor/psychologist she could see?
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 01-14-2008, 03:59 PM
 
Location: Texas
690 posts, read 2,354,193 times
Reputation: 451
Well, first of all, I'm sorry to hear that this happened to your sister.

A few questions: how do you think your mother would handle this situation if you DID tell her about it, and what does your sister want to do, if anything?
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 01-14-2008, 07:53 PM
 
16,487 posts, read 20,332,656 times
Reputation: 16136
If you are in a position to taken her in and help her change her life I would. If not I would do whatever I could to get her help. That may be trying to talk to your mom to see if she would do less yelling and more getting her actual help and then telling her the details. Possibly look into some type of drug/alcohol rehab that will take her in and do an intervention. What I do know is you will never be able to live with yourself if this girl dies of a drug overdose or alcohol poisoning or dies in a car accident because of being drunk or with someone that is.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 01-14-2008, 09:37 PM
 
Location: The mountians of Northern California.
1,354 posts, read 5,626,844 times
Reputation: 1270
I have a similar family situation, only it involves my parents turning a blind eye to the things my three younger siblings did. When I spoke up, I was the bad person in everyone's eyes. The bad person to my siblings for tattling (yes my parents told them exactly what I told them), the bad person to my parents for being judgmental and sticking my nose in everyone's business.

After years of this crap I finally accepted my parents won't do the right thing. They get upset and talk about what the person needs to do to get off drugs or stay out of jail (I raised them better then that, yada yada), but they won't take the next step and try to help. Its easier to pretend its not happening. Now all the siblings have kids in less then ideal homes. I have called CPS and other social services agencies. That might be what you need to do. It will allow her to think someone else called, and your sister will still have your trust. Just give them a few examples of drugs and alcohol, failing grades, etc etc.

You will probably have to go head to head with your mom. She needs to grow up and be a parent. Call your sisters school and have a talk with the principal, lay it all out for them. Maybe there is something they can do to help before its too late. They might not be able to share info with you, but let them know what is going on.

Does your sister have a myspace or facebook page with all her drug/drinking info on there. A lot of kids that age put that stuff up there. That with her failing grades might get the school and CPS to take some action. Your sister might be better off in a group home before she ends up hurt. If you happen to know where a party might be that she is attending, call the cops and send them out. Sometimes getting in trouble and having a probation officer is the only thing to help these kids. I know that sounds harsh, but I was in your position 10 years ago. I wish to God I had called the law on my brother then. He has been clean for the last 2 months, but he does that all the time. Gets clean for a few months, starts to pull his life together, then hits the meth pipe and its all over for a few years. The crap he has put our family through in the past 10-12 years might have been avoidable. I can see that now that I am in my early 30s. At the time I was 20 or 21 and thought my parents would step up to help my siblings. They were really strict with me, but they never tried to stop the problems with my siblings.

I have one sister currently addicted to meth and she treats her babies like crap. That sister experienced her 1st time the same way your sister did at about the same age. It broke my heart when she told me. At time I was already married and living 4 hours away. I felt helpless to help her. The other sister has turned out somewhat ok, but she struggles everyday. Her drug problems lead her to try to commit suicide. She is off drugs, but still has major issues to this day. My brother was a full blown meth/coke addict who was robbing people and breaking into houses to feed his addiction. My brothers pot habit started in 8th grade, his coke habit started in 11th grade, and alcohol was in there too. What will your sister be like 10 years from now?

I am sorry your in this position. It will not be an easy road from here on out. If your sister comes to live with you, she will probably rebel against the rules. Her friends help keep her rooted in the problems. Getting a kid away from those types of friends is really hard at that age. Any conversation with your mom will probably be fruitless and could result in your sister not trusting you. She needs to trust you right now. So calling the law behind her back, calling CPS, getting the school involved, etc might be a good option at this point. As for rehab, she needs to want it, and want it bad. If she doesn't want it, it won't work. Hang in there, I know your probably hurting over all this.

You might want to take her to Planned Parenthood or another free clinic. She should get on brith control and be checked for STD's.

Last edited by Inthesierras; 01-14-2008 at 09:42 PM.. Reason: spell check
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 01-14-2008, 10:15 PM
 
3,107 posts, read 8,030,631 times
Reputation: 2248
I'm sorry that you don't have an ideal relationship with your mother either. You do sound like a very concerned sister. I think you've received a lot of good advice here. I think you DO have to intervene but not sure how easily that is achieved when you live so far away. Can you possibly get out there for a family conference? Your sister needs help but it has to be come with some semblance of calm and from the way you described your mom, she's likely to go off the deep end in reaction which your sister would probably react badly to. I'm really sorry your sister is going through this - despite you living so far from each other, she is lucky to have you in her corner.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 01-15-2008, 08:33 PM
 
Location: Johns Island, SC
797 posts, read 2,695,491 times
Reputation: 1090
Thanks for the replies, I decided to tell. I just couldn't let her hide this from my mom. So far the results are...


1. My sister hates me for betraying her, she told me off and doesn't want me involved in her life in any way. This is what I expected but it is also so heartbreaking. I love her sooo much and I really want to help her, I just hope she forgives me sooner rather than later.

2. My mom played cool with me as usual but I expect she reacted much worse with my sister. The routine with her is always the same, yell and scream, ground her for a week and then forget it ever happened. She did make some effort by taking her to a NA meeting and setting up GYN appt for next week, I just hope this time she keeps on it and really helps her get over the drug/drinking and monitors whom she lets her hang with more closely.

I would contact CPS if I thought they would actually do something, unfortunately I am very familiar with the abuse/neglect laws where they live and at this point they would likely do nothing.

I am thinking about offering to pay for rehab if she is willing to go. First I need to find a program that won't inconvienence my mom too much before I propose this idea. (She was evaluated a couple of months ago and they reccommended she go into inpatient care immediately, she refused but agreed to out patient treatment. My mom decided not to bother at the time because of the cost and inconvienence.)
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply
Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply
Message:

Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Parenting
Follow City-Data.com founder on our Forum or

All times are GMT -6.

2005-2018, Advameg, Inc.

City-Data.com - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35 - Top