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I've been with my girlfriend for 8 months. She has a 2.5 year old boy and a 3.5 year old boy whose father passed away not long after the 2.5 year old was born. The boys are great, sweet, and fun. She's an outstanding mother and an incredible person. I love all three of them very much. She's been outstanding in involving me in parenting decisions and sort of coaching me along (I don't have kids and have jumped right in). We're very happy. The boys love me, I love them and we function as a little family.
OP - lovely to hear that someone found love after a bereavement - and that you have been welcomed into the family not just by her but the children too - and you are as invested in them as she is. Sounds ideal to me.
Sorry to see some of the horrific comments your query has brought though. From gender bashing generalisations of nonsense that the women "own" the children - to implicit commentary that single parents should remain that way forever and simply not enter into relationships. All nonsense - and harmful at that too.
I always say that of all the things that are important in relationships - one thing is more important than all others. Communication. And it sounds like you feel uneasy communicating your thoughts in this. While this issue is getting you down now - with the lack of sleep and stresses it is causing - it is at the same time a relatively minor issue. Seems massive to YOU of course - because you are in it and close to it and its wearing you down - but with some perspective on all the vagaries and pains of child rearing - it is relatively minor.
So this is a chance to get this communication issue worked out now - rather than later when relatively serious issues arise and you again are not sure if you should be communicating your place and position and ideas on the matter. That does not bode well for a healthy future to the relationship. And one wonders if that 70% figure seemingly plucked out of thin air on the thread is a figure that is compounded by this horrifically bad advice of "Shut up - its not your business - hell you should not even be there". If that is the kind of advice and opinions we are selling to people who meet single parents - then a high figure of relationship break down would certainly not surprise me at all.
In your place I would sit down - at a time that feels right to you - and open this dialogue with her. Tell her you feel torn between feelings of being fully invested in her - the children - and you guys as a family unit - - but also feelings of being "the outsider" which technically you are. And you would appreciate her help in finding a way to resolve those feelings.
Then bring this sleep issue in as an example. Say you see it is wearing her down a bit. Say you have ideas on the matter that may or may not work - but you need HER guidance on how she feels it is right for you to bring up these ideas and opinions when you have them.
Then finish up with the comment that this sleep issue is just one issue - but if the relationship continues - as you are invested in making sure it does - that you envision other issues coming in the future - as they always do with child rearing - and NOW is the best time to set up the structures by which you can address those issues together - and communicate your ideas and feelings about them when they arise.
In other words you see this sleep issue not as an issue - but an opportunity to cement this relationship and how it will work going forward. You are committed and invested and in love - and you want to ensure the frameworks you operate in allow those positives to blossom and thrive.
And all that said - while opinion on her tends to divide forums - I advise you watch the Supernanny episodes that are all over you tube. Theres about 20 to 30 episodes of 45 minutes or so each you could watch and maybe take something from because not only does she deal with sleep issues often - she deals with them in a way similar to how you described you doing it in the OP. So perhaps after watching all the episodes you can note the 2 or 3 most fitting your own situation and issues - and perhaps watch them again with your partner. It may lend some context to your discussion - while also lending some weight to your suggestions from a supposed expert in the field.
Hope some of this helps - and as always do keep us updated and informed if you see fit as to how things progress from here. But above all skip over and dismiss those "advices" that tell you its not your business or you should not even be there. Haters gotta hate - especially if similar situations ended up bitter for them and they assume all others go the same way - and that does not sound either like you - or what you need at this time.
I read the back ground and then I skipped. You aren't a little family until you put a ring on it. No advice, no jumping in, no nothing. If you want to be her husband and partner and these kids dad...put a ring on it. And mean it. For life (adopt them). Until then you are a visitor.
And polite visitors keep their mouths shut
This ^^^. You have only known this woman for eight months and she has let you almost move into her children's home?
Take a step back and rewind. Sleep in your own bed. Do this right.
As for mommy girlfriend, let her get a babysitter. Or a full time day job that is more consistent with parenting toddlers.
These children are young, and at an age where they have a high probability of being annoying to anyone but their own parents or grandparents. Starting out as a step parent disciplinarian after eight months is a recipe for disaster. For yourself, and for the boys.
Date her and do not see these boys until you have decided to marry. Her. Then propose.
This should take a few years. Not months. You are not a family yet.
From the outside, it looks as though girlfriend is using you as a baby sitter, and you are doing this because it ultimately gives you more time with her. I am sure that you sleep there other nights. The two of you are pooling your resources and the children are getting lost in the mix. They should come first, not last.
Let their mother work out the babysitting and discipline. Or not.
I have never, ever heard of a step parent relationship working out well for anyone when it beings with the step parent disciplining the other person's children. NEVER.
And in your case, you are just a boyfriend who sounds well intentioned but a bit over eager about being involved with children who are very young, and not yours.
These children's main sleeping problem is that a stranger is in their home. Statistically, that puts them at risk.
As for mommy girlfriend, let her get a babysitter.
Or you could let the actual mother of the actual children decide who she wants to be with them. Which she appears to have done. And guess what - it is the OP. Who are you to over rule her decision about her children?
Quote:
Originally Posted by sheena12
These children are young, and at an age where they have a high probability of being annoying to anyone but their own parents or grandparents.
And having read the OP the opposite appears to be true. The OP has become emotionally and literally invested in them - cares for them deeply - while it is the mother who is currently being run down by some of their behaviours. And the OP realises he has the potential to help there and is wondering how best to communicate this to her.
Quote:
Originally Posted by sheena12
Starting out as a step parent disciplinarian after eight months is a recipe for disaster. For yourself, and for the boys.
Is this personal opinion or based on any actual material you might be able to cite for us?
Quote:
Originally Posted by sheena12
Date her and do not see these boys until you have decided to marry. Her. Then propose.
Do not even SEE them? Where are you pulling this advice from? This woman is not a piece of flesh in isolation. Her children are integrated wholly into her life. They are part of who she is and what her life is. To date her and contrive to cut a whole section of her life and what makes her her - out of that interaction entirely - is fantastical nonsense. They are part of the package and he is starting a family relationship with THEM. Not her in isolation.
Quote:
Originally Posted by sheena12
From the outside, it looks as though girlfriend is using you as a baby sitter, and you have a place to live.
I do not get that interpretation from the OP at all - where did you get this?
Quote:
Originally Posted by sheena12
I have never, ever heard of a step parent relationship working out well for anyone when it beings with the step parent disciplining the other person's children.
Anecdote is often presented on forums as evidence - which it never should. I have to admit I do not often hear LACK of anecdote offered in it's stead. If we are throwing out anecdote (or lack of) however I can tell you my experience is the opposite and I have often seen the above work out just fine.
But that is about as far as comparison of unverifiable personal anecdote will get you.
Quote:
Originally Posted by sheena12
These children's main sleeping problem is that a stranger is in their home.
Again I am not getting this from the OP. Do you have access to further information the OP has not offered about how the children acted before he came along - or how they act on the nights he is not in the home?
Quote:
Originally Posted by sheena12
Please move out.
He has not actually moved in. Did you read the OP at all - or any of his subsequent posts? Hard to move out of a place you have not actually moved into.
Although, the OP just mentioned the father's death in passing, it may be more of a difficulty than the Mom & new BF realize.
Even though the child may not remember his father, it is quite likely that his death affected many aspects of his life, from interactions (or lack of interactions) with the paternal grandparents & other relatives, to lack of money, to maybe moving to a new apartment or new city, to the possibility of depression in the Mom. I have had several young students where the death of a parent caused numerous unforeseen difficulties and these difficulties started with typical childhood behaviors going beyond what was usually considered typical.
The child would have lost both his father and I'm assuming that there was some attachment/father figure thing going on with the father of his half-sibling? Is the younger brother's father still around? Either way - he's learned that the men in his life don't stick around.
You mentioned that the boys go to bed around nine on the nights she tends bar, this seems really late to me. I'd suggest more physical activity during the day, maybe an earlier wake-up and starting bedtime rituals earlier. That way "delays" don't push actual falling asleep time into the small hours.
I read the back ground and then I skipped. You aren't a little family until you put a ring on it. No advice, no jumping in, no nothing. If you want to be her husband and partner and these kids dad...put a ring on it. And mean it. For life (adopt them). Until then you are a visitor.
And polite visitors keep their mouths shut
Though this was phrased more bluntly than I would have said it, I do agree with the gist of it. OP, I would urge you to seriously consider your own intentions here. Do you see yourself wanting to marry your girlfriend and adopt her children to make them your own? If so, have you communicated this intention to her? Naturally, if you're not yet sure you want to do this, you would not have proposed to her yet. But I hope you would feel her out on how she feels about your role with the kids. Because the only way I see this working, long term, is if eventually (and sooner rather than later) they become not just "her" kids, but "yours" (plural). And if she's not willing to do this, then you have no future together. Period.
OP, you sound like a great guy, and I think it's wonderful that you clearly love these boys. From what you've said, it certainly sounds like you could see yourself becoming their father. (And yes, if you legally adopt them, then you become their "real" father, with all that this entails.) The open question in my mind is how your girlfriend feels about it all. If she is coming to a place where she would want you to be the boys' father -- not "mommy's boyfriend," not "John," not "the big friendly guy they like to play with," but "Dad" -- then I think you're on a good track. But if they will always be "MY kids" in her mind, and not "OUR kids," then it CANNOT and WILL NOT work.
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Originally Posted by stan4
A relationship that has a 70% chance of failing, leaving these kids to hurt again.
No, not wise.
But if op is going to do it, let's arm him with the best tools/knowledge.
Yes, the odds are stacked against any given relationship working out. But we humans are an eternally optimistic species, and we just keep on plugging away, hoping to beat the odds.
And if the OP is as decent and caring a man as his posts make him out to be, then I think the odds are in his favor.
The child would have lost both his father and I'm assuming that there was some attachment/father figure thing going on with the father of his half-sibling? Is the younger brother's father still around? Either way - he's learned that the men in his life don't stick around.
Quote:
Originally Posted by lrfox
Background info:
I've been with my girlfriend for 8 months. She has a 2.5 year old boy and a 3.5 year old boy whose father passed away not long after the 2.5 year old was born.
I may be wrong, but I interpreted the OP's post to mean that both boys had the same father, and this man passed away shortly after his younger son was born.
I may be wrong, but I interpreted the OP's post to mean that both boys had the same father, and this man passed away shortly after his younger son was born.
Ah, I think you are right. In any case, both boys have suffered a terrible loss.
I do stay with my daughter til she falls asleep. We do story or two , talk for a few mins, and then lights out.
She's never awake more than a few mins after that though.....
I know I came off blunt and maybe harsh. I grew up where most of my friends got to "meet their new daddy" every 6 months or so. So calling a dating relationship a "little family" really rubbed me the wrong way.
That said, I am a step mom and married their dad when they were in elementary school (starting living together a couple years before that). And I know I managed to become a very important person to them. But because they had a mom, I wasn't their mom. But because they were young when I showed up on the scene, I had a lot more pull with them and a lot more room to help decide how to raise them.
This is good news for you. Should both you and your gf feel serious about eachother...you could build this family together. And they are young enough to really accept you as a father, especially because they need one.
But don't insert yourself and then disappear. When seriously dating a women with children, you really need to know your intentions, and she needs to know hers. It isn't simple dating for fun...children are involved.
See, with my son (also 3), I don't have any trouble with him, but he gives his mom heck sometimes bc mommy is different. It is like that with all his little friends, too. Give mom heck, give other parent your angel face obedience.
So a. T'ain't your place to say anything and
b. What works for you may not work for her anyway bc the dynamic is different.
That is correct! What works for one (adult) doesn't always work for another, especially if the other is the Mom. Kids seem to be both their best and worst for Mom.
The other issue is that step-parents, aunts, uncles, etc usually take a harder line than the actual parents, find the behavior more intolerable, etc. Give it time, OP.
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