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Old 02-11-2010, 08:38 PM
Location: Hades
2,126 posts, read 2,050,964 times
Reputation: 672


Tell the teacher. No kid, especially at this age, needs to "learn" how to handle being bullied by a group of other kids.

And be aware that in this day and age a lot of this stuff gets so out of control that kids end up having lawyers. As an educator, I saw this first hand. While working at an elementary school I witnessed a child harass another child and reported it to the teacher. The teacher said, "well, that's his 5th strike for the day so I guess we'll have to call the parents." It turns out, this 3rd grader (!) actually had a family lawyer that worked on his behalf, largely due to the amount of mayhem that he had already caused in his young years.

DO NOT leave it to the little ones to work out amongst themselves. Take it to the teacher and maybe even request a mediated meeting with the parents of the other child. And if they don't seem to want to get involved, take it to the supervisor/principal of the school.

Also, kids that bully other kids are often experiencing bullying or abuse on some level themselves. The cycle just continues if nobody points anything out. There is NO reason a parent should have to fear for the safety of their children when they drop them off at school.
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Old 02-11-2010, 08:41 PM
Location: Dallas TX
14,361 posts, read 20,647,499 times
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Originally Posted by Infinite Shades Of Grey View Post
So your kid has followed your advice and has been tormented for years. Have you stopped for a moment to wonder if there's a correlation? Because there is.

You might be a nice lady and all, but you're completely clueless. I don't say this out of cruelty, but rather out of compassion for your son - he's already got a rep as an easy mark and probably a tattle-tale, too. The sooner he rejects everything you say and starts to do the opposite, the better.

"Run and Tell" is lousy advice for kids and lousy advice for adults, too. When you have a conflict with a co-worker, do you try to work it out on your own or do you sneak off to management and snitch?

Total Bully Solution
I have to say I completely disagree. My son was tormented for a little over a year. He did fight back one bully who stopped bothering him. The other two kept at it. He did tell me and the teachers. I talked to the principal over and over again. Nothing was done until my husband went to the principal and firmly told her she better do something about it now as the reason my son was doing so poorly in school and breaking down was the principal not following through with her word.

The principal finally stepped in and stopped the bullying. It hasn't happened since.
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Old 02-11-2010, 08:41 PM
5,748 posts, read 10,525,379 times
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Originally Posted by Coldjensens View Post
We had this problem as a sightly older age (first grade). At a teacher's suggestion we invited the bully over for a playday and then took him with all of out family to my parents house in the country. It sounds really odd, but it worked. The bullying stopped and they are now friends. It seems that the bully just needed someone to like him. Probably not the solution in every case, but maybe worth a try. Just remember to keep an eye on the bully at all times.
We did this, too. It worked surprisingly well.
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Old 02-11-2010, 08:47 PM
133 posts, read 239,595 times
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Originally Posted by Huckleberry3911948 View Post
his dad needs to talk to their dad.
If i had it all to do over.I learned that schools are all about politics.Find out if the kid has a father.Confront and tell him that you wished that you wouldn't have to go to jail or kill anyone.Look him in the eye and mean it.Then apologize and say that you have to leave and put the gun back in the safe.
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Old 02-11-2010, 10:20 PM
4,044 posts, read 5,965,832 times
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It was really interesting to read all the posts as this is a topic I am extremely concerned with. I hate bringing in the cross-cultural dimension again (I've done it on another thread and it inevitably turned sour) but I can't help it as it is impossible to separate my experience and understanding of the world from my transnational background (US resident, born and raised in traditional, Eastern European culture).

Growing up I - HONESTLY! - never personally experienced, witnessed or heard of such vicious attitudes and acts among children, as I see reported in this country today. The stuff I routinely read on bullying here would have been unimaginable in the place (and at the time time) I grew up. I hear things are changing there too but are still far from the reports I read in the US. Kids used to tease each other, sure enough, but those teasings were extremely far from the outwardly agressive behavior and malice widely present in kid world here.

My sister has a macro-level theory on this bullying trend but I will skip it as few people on this board seem to be interested in discussing macro-level explanations of whatever topic shows up (particularly when these explanations challenge fundamental, basic values of contemporary American culture). I do believe though that children are a primitive reflection of the adult world and something terribly wrong is going on in the adult world today.

Sociological analyses aside, my son has been attending a new pre-school for less than a month now, after we relocated cross-country. We are now in what is deemed one of the top 10 school districts in MA (not too shabby a state to be in when it comes to schools, they say )... so the part about looking for "a good enviornment" to place your kids in, should be taken care of, in theory. Or not.

So, go figure. No sooner did he start going to pre-school that he came back, three days in a row, with reports about "x pushed me" and "X said I am a dumb baby". It turned out X is the principal's /director's daughter who happens to be in the same class with my son. In fact, my son did one of his "pushing" reports in the director's presence, when I went to pick him up, and she just smiled nicely, saying that she told the girl to say "I am sorry". Granted, my son didn't seem too phased out by it, he just reported it matter-of-factly and moved on.

I told myself to just shrugg it off for now, after all, he is new and... well...let's not blow it out of proportion. Yet.

I am not even sure whether to consider this bullying symptoms or pre-bullying or whatever the heck, but I clearly don't like it. The reality is such dog-eat-dog impulses in kid world run rampant today, regardless of the school system or how "stellar" the "environment" is supposed to be.
In fact, I have a feeling that such "academically stellar" environments are even worse when it comes to bullying.

Either way, it was encouraging to read the posts of parents who teach their kids to fight back, despite "expert" advice favoring "tattletale" approaches. Even if we go the homeschooling route (which I fancy more every day), we decided he will be enrolled in whatever best self-defense classes are out there and taught how to hit back like a grean, mean, lean-machine-or else.

These bullying reports in the news (and wherever else you turn - which would be mainly the news ), have become so agressive in and of themselves that I really think it is time for us adults to take a look in the mirror and catch the vibes and life lessons we inadvertently and passively pass on to the children. For more on this, if interested, see a chapter in the recently published "Nurture Shock".
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Old 02-12-2010, 11:27 AM
3,269 posts, read 8,742,449 times
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I had a similar thread on here about my son, in Kindergarten, being hit by another kid (more than once). My son is TINY (6 but looks 4) but he pushed the kid who hit him against a wall and repeatedly punched him until the teacher had to pull him off. The school wasn't thrilled, but I was. That was exactly the advice I gave him. We also made sure he had the tools and the confidence to pull it off (he is a few lessons away from his Jr black belt in karate). I knew my kid being so small was going to have other kids try it on with him This kid has not bothered him at all since. Not once. And there have been plenty of issues with the bully hitting and spitting at other kids. Oh and just and FYI - this is in a top 10 school district in NJ...not some ghetto school. It happens everywhere.

I am a firm believer that you should NEVER EVER go and tattletale, you need to take care of yourself. And you start to learn this in Kindergarten.
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Old 02-12-2010, 11:39 AM
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Originally Posted by Obrero View Post
Oh and just and FYI - this is in a top 10 school district in NJ...not some ghetto school. It happens everywhere.
I am deeply convinced that bullying instincts (not sure about "acting" on them) are more prevalent in competitive environments. I even experienced this first hand, at the global level. I grew up in a largely non-competitive society, and there is no comparison between the amount of bullying I knew about there (rare to non-existent) and the avalanche of bullying reports here, today.

Good school districts very probably yield A LOT of bullying, probably more so than average 'hoods where girls and boys just hang out together, without the sense of "go get it"-ness!!" constantly instilled in kids by frantically competitive parents. Of course, I don't include here gang-plagued areas - where you deal with a different kind of "territorial" competition.

If you're in constant competition with those around you, guess what your subconscious wishes would happen to those individuals? Drop dead!!
I don't have much faith in the pervasive veneer of civility and kindness, all enforced via politically correct means nowadays.
Underneath it all, we have become rabid and our kids pick up on the vibes. They're just more honest than we are.
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Old 02-12-2010, 06:31 PM
550 posts, read 1,073,105 times
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I've been the bully, I've been the guy getting bullied.
Few things have made me as mentally tough as being bullied.
As for being the bully...well I guess kids will be kids...
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Old 02-12-2010, 06:32 PM
Location: South FL
9,444 posts, read 15,016,469 times
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I'm confused...I'm just curious, what Eastern European country are you from Suracysa? I remember being bullied to no-end as a young girl in Ukraine.
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Old 02-12-2010, 07:00 PM
Location: Aurora, Colorado
2,212 posts, read 4,504,791 times
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Your son is younger and this is the time to teach him to put a stop to things because it only gets worse as kids get older.

I'd suggest you role play. I do this with my daughter (whose in 1st grade) constantly. Practice what they are going to say or act in different situations. Last year, my daughter was being picked on by a girl in her class and my daughter committed the ultimate sin...she cried. Oh god. So, the bullying continued and got worse.

Bullies usually have the same thing in common, whether they're 6 or they're workplace bullies. They search for someone who's weak and who won't stand up to them. Very few bullies pick on someone their own size.

My daughter and I practiced what she's going to say if someone says something about her appearance (her shirt is ugly, her hair is stupid, she's got too many freckles...the list goes on), her school work...pretty much anything I could come up with. "That's a rude thing to say" she replies. We have done this so many times and practiced until she said it with attitude (and a little "chicken neck"). A few months ago, the little girl told my daughter she couldn't play soccer with them because she was too tall. She replied with "that's a rude thing to say" and the kids who were around to hear it, replied with "yeah, that IS rude." She hasn't been picked on since. The bully has now moved on to another little girl whose mom is totally beside herself with worry and I told her what worked for us.

The key is to teach your child not to be a victim. Teachers and principals can only do so much. Teach your child to stand up for themselves and this life lesson will take them through adulthood too. I don't advocate physical violence, but if it got that far, the worst thing you can do is to tell your kid not to hit back. Hit first? No. Hit back? You betcha.
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