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Old 05-07-2015, 01:48 AM
 
55 posts, read 108,424 times
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My parents are controlling, and when they don't get their way the guilt tripping starts. This still goes on for decades past childhood. They refuse to let us be friends on a semi equal level, even though I have been a self-supporting all my adult years. They still give unsolicited advice about my career, money, dating, and pressure about having children.

I finally had enough. A couple years ago, I applied to a job far away in a dream city and was eventually hired. I now am thousands of miles away. I mailed them a goodbye letter when I left. I generally refuse phone calls, but they still leave regular voice messages on my cell even though I asked them not to call unless it's critical. They have lots of concern about if my apartment is safe area and be careful about carjacking and drugs. They've asked to come visit me. I don't return those phone calls. They don't have my address (but probably can get it from a private detective).

Anyway....

I'm single and would like marriage and children. My nightmare is my parents will intentionally move nearby to be a part of their grandchildren's lives. They would most certainly invoke the grandparents' visitation law to gain access to the children. Then they would undermine my children and bad mouth me and my future spouse. I'm sure my parenting would be criticized. I won't let that happen.

There is nothing unfit about my parents (no alcohol, no mental issues, no criminal record). I would look crazy trying to fight the visitations to officials.

So my thought is to only pursue adopted children. I am interested in adopting children just as much as having my own biological ones. Either would be great. However, my parents would have no biological connection to adopted children. They would have no visitation rights. So they would have no reason to move nearby me. I wouldn't even have to tell them I have children. Adopting is sounding like a great fit.

Thoughts?
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Old 05-07-2015, 03:12 AM
 
Location: Washington state
4,299 posts, read 2,125,157 times
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If you get married, make sure you have a very strong spouse who understands what you go through with your parents and will back you up no matter what. If what you say about your parents is true, then the two of you will need to be a team because it's inevitable your parents will try to undermine one or the other of you.

Would you invite them to the wedding? Or would you just elope and let it go from there? How much of your life can they find out from other people? If you get married and tell them you eloped so you don't have to invite them, will they be able to find out the truth?

Once you're married, will they actually hunt down the address you're living at? And would it be difficult to not tell them you had kids, even if you did?

As for adopting, trust me, if you're looking to avoid problems that way, it's not going to work. Your parents sound like they're going to find something to complain about no matter what you do.

If I were you, I'd wait until I was married and you and your spouse could discuss the options of what to do about your parents when the situation comes up. I wouldn't let them dictate not having kids if that's what you want because then, they're still running your life.

As for now, you've stopped letting them push your buttons, but eventually, you're going to have to stand nose to nose with them and tell them the way things are going to run in YOUR life, not theirs. I know because I've been there. I cut off communication with my parents for ten years because I got tired of the button pushing. Actually, on my end, it was a lack of not knowing how to not let my buttons get pushed. Either way, it was a good experience for me. I learned my self worth wasn't tied to only what my parents thought of me. I also grew a set.

I didn't have kids, but I know now that if I did, I would never have left them alone or overnight with my parents. My dad has a bad temper and I never trusted him not to lose it. I know eventually that subject would have come up and there would have been hurt feelings. And I also know that the new me would have told my dad "Too bad your feelings are hurt. My child doesn't stay overnight. Period. This is how things operate in MY world." And that's what you tell your parents about the way it works when you have children. Your parents had their chance. They had you to raise. They don't get to raise their grandchildren. You get to do that.

I think basically that while your parents are concerned about you, they also still want control of you. I think it's fine if you call them or even visit them once in a while, but you have to insist they treat you with respect. All parents give unsolicited advice, but when it turns into verbal abuse, that's something else and you need to be clear to them that if they start that sort of thing, you aren't going to stand for it any longer. You're only obligated to tell them that once. After that, if you're visiting and they start in, get up and leave. If you're on the phone to them, and they start to verbally abuse you, hang up. It's YOUR life, YOU have the control and YOU have the power.

If your parents moved near you, it's going to be even worse and you really will have to set some guidelines. Let them know that just showing up is out of the question. Hopefully you won't have to get a restraining order. And if things got so bad your parents would go to court to see their grandchildren, insist that the visits be supervised and short.

Good luck!
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Old 05-07-2015, 04:43 AM
 
Location: Howard County, Maryland
1,538 posts, read 1,552,804 times
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Honestly, have you talked to someone about this? Perhaps a therapist? What you are describing about your parents sounds like fairly typical parenting behavior. But your reaction to it doesn't sound typical at all. And as to your adoption question, a child that is adopted is every part of a family as one that is birthed into a family; so grandparenting rights don't stop because of lack of DNA.
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Old 05-07-2015, 06:20 AM
 
1,516 posts, read 1,736,543 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by cjmeck View Post
Honestly, have you talked to someone about this? Perhaps a therapist? What you are describing about your parents sounds like fairly typical parenting behavior. But your reaction to it doesn't sound typical at all. And as to your adoption question, a child that is adopted is every part of a family as one that is birthed into a family; so grandparenting rights don't stop because of lack of DNA.
Good advice here! What the OP describes seems fairly typical as well. My parents, dad in particular, always is concerned about me. I continue to receive life lectures well into my 50s ( he is 86). I know he loves me and truly cares about my well being. Sometimes I get really irritated with him but have learned to keep my mouth shut...most of the times. I am thankful that he is in good health and in my life. He won't be around for too many more years so at this point, I listen and reassure him. My mother passed away long ago. My father has never been my buddy or friend. He is my father with years of good advice and a good heart.

OP, DO NOT pursue adoption or having your biological kids until you get your head around this. Both my kids are adopted and are loved just as much by the grandparents. There isn't some miraculous grandparent repellent that will appear if you adopt. They will still want to be part of your life and your children's lives. Sooner or later you will need to deal with this and I strongly recommend therapy.

Your attitude towards your parents seems a bit cruel to be quite frank. If you really are serious, tell them you want no further contact. This way they would have no expection of being in your life and you can move on with your life. It seems to be a rather sad solution but you seem to feel victimized and it may be best for both parties. Hopefully they have other children who do want a relationship and they can put this sad chapter behind them. I don't mean to sound harsh but I feel strongly about this since I'm looking at the home stretch with my dad. My husband lost both his parents last year. Life is short and at some point, you will have to put aside some resentments or just cut off contact.

Good luck.
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Old 05-07-2015, 07:00 AM
 
Location: southwestern PA
20,426 posts, read 35,004,391 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by FoosBall View Post
They refuse to let us be friends on a semi equal level, even though I have been a self-supporting all my adult years. They still give unsolicited advice about my career, money, dating, and pressure about having children.
Well, you are not equals; they are your parents.
And even friends give advice on career, money, dating... why can't your parents?

I am sure there is much more to the story.
But being a petulant child, and running away/hiding from mommy and daddy does not help your case.

If you don't want them in your life, tell them that and make it so.
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Old 05-07-2015, 07:34 AM
 
10,081 posts, read 6,284,374 times
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There has to be more...cause annoying parents aren't something you cut out and run from. You just put distance and learn to let it roll off your back.

I wonder if exploring this more in therapy would help you really see what's under all this? It just seems outwardly like a huge over reaction to nagging parents. But there might be a lot more to it.

As for grandparents rights...well one set of grandparents to my kids drive me bonkers. Everything you described but lots of insults too. But we see them once in a while, email and call FOR the kids. Because they adore their grandma and grandpa and grandma and grandpa love them. We put up with advice and jabs and what ever so our kids can have a relationship with them. It's something really special in their lives.

Now my parents are abusive, unstable, mentally ill, etc. So we don't allow contact and have completely cut them out of our lives. My kids have expressed many times they still want to meet them and have them in their lives and I explain its my job to keep them safe and they aren't safe people. It's a real loss for them.
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Old 05-07-2015, 07:36 AM
 
Location: Texas
42,024 posts, read 48,847,317 times
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What exactly are you calling controlling?

Having an opinion?
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Old 05-07-2015, 08:06 AM
 
733 posts, read 590,078 times
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Please don't adopt or have kids with your present state of mind/understanding of family dynamics/unresolved issues.

Get some counseling first. Your motivation for adoption is not a healthy thing.
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Old 05-07-2015, 08:19 AM
 
Location: not here
1,183 posts, read 1,037,430 times
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I totally hear you on the parent issue. It's probably a lot more than those reasons you gave - no one needs to explain to me why they cut off their parents; it's never for a bad reason.

But - you do seem to be way overthinking this and putting the cart before the horse. You haven't even met someone to marry and you've got the adoption all planned out. I think the bigger issue here is that your overbearing parents, even though you've cut them off, are still causing you a lot of anxiety (for you to be planning so far ahead like this). You're many miles away, but you're still letting them take up space in your head. And again, I can totally relate to this. You need to learn how to live your life without the cloud of your parents hanging over your head like this. Whether you achieve that on your own or through counseling.
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Old 05-07-2015, 08:44 AM
 
Location: Chicago
3,239 posts, read 4,417,947 times
Reputation: 3968
I haven't read the responses, but yes, the guilt trips definitely continue.

We're dealing with a situation with my brother-in-law and mother's day right now. His parents always guilt him into coming to his family's events, and as a result we never see my sister, brother-in-law or nephew on actual holidays. Our family is always the side that has to compromise. His family is totally inflexible and will give my BIL a huge guilt trip about it if he misses anything. It sucks for my sister, I think. Of course my family is re-scheduling our get together to accommodate BIL, yet again. I must say though, I am extremely sick of it and once my baby is born I probably won't be feeling so flexible anymore.
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