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Old 01-18-2008, 11:45 AM
 
Location: Burlington County NJ
1,969 posts, read 5,286,236 times
Reputation: 2657

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Anyone in here have a mother they constantly feel like they have to explain themselves to when it comes to your children? My mother is one of them! On any day where I don't need to punish my daughter for being fresh or not doing her chores or something - my mother will challenge my decision and then not talk to me for a week or more! My daughter is really good - the things I have to deal with are minor in comparison to other teenagers (she's 14). For Example: this morning....her brother (5) was watching tv - he goes to brush his teeth - she changes channel - he comes back and says I was watching that - can you please put it back on? She said - I'm watching this - now my son normally doesn't ask...he demands in which case he does not get what he wants - but suprisingly this morning he did and she reacted to him with MAJOR ATTITUDE. So - I told her to put his show back on...she proceeds to throw the remote on the couch get up and stomp up the stairs! This is something we have dealt with in the past (14 yr old attitude) but its been getting worse lately. She doesn't ever speak nicely to her brother and her brother rarely speaks nicely to anyone. So we are trying to correct this from all angles........we all have to teach him how to talk...yadda yadda. Anyway - I told my daughter she can't go to her friends house today. My mother calls me up at work and begins to ask me if my daughter can sleep over tonite. Mind you - I'm sure the first call my daughter made when I left was to my mother - which is fine because they are very close. When I told her no because my daughter has a consequence to pay for her behavior she began to tell me that its not fair that the consequence includes her. My daughters favorite thing is going to my mothers. I feel that it does apply to her as well. So now my mother won't talk to me because she says "you have to find out what is making her so angry before she does drugs and your going about this the wrong way" I say no....attitude and crossing this line is normal for 14 yr olds and it our place to put them back in line before it goes to far. It doesnt mean she's "angry" about something! It drives me crazy because my mother is my best friend, but this is really beginning to take a toll on our relationship. I feel she is crossing the line. And I'm not sure how to tell her without her writing me off! She has gone as long as a month without talking to me because of me punishing my daughter somehow - whether its her getting yelled at or saying she can't go anywhere or what have you. Mind you - my daughter has never been "grounded" and her punishments have never lasted more then a day!

I just don't know what to do. I don't want to lose my mother as my friend, but at the same time....I don't know that I can have her as one anymore.
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Old 01-18-2008, 11:47 AM
 
Location: Fort Worth, Texas
10,716 posts, read 31,026,539 times
Reputation: 6654
She clearly has no boundaries, my Mother doesn't either. The only thing I can do is to cut her out of the loop and not tell her about things like that but its easier for me since I don't live near her.
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Old 01-18-2008, 12:10 PM
 
Location: Burlington County NJ
1,969 posts, read 5,286,236 times
Reputation: 2657
Yeah...she is only 45 mins away... and forget it if I disagree with her...its her way or the highway! The problem with cutting her out of stuff is that she is very important to my daughter. They are very close. I don't want to mess with their relationship for my daughters sake. Its really breaking my heart though.
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Old 01-18-2008, 12:23 PM
 
Location: Oz
2,238 posts, read 8,695,129 times
Reputation: 1368
Your daughter comes before your mother. Do what is best for her, and just tell your mom flat out that what you say goes.
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Old 01-18-2008, 02:16 PM
 
Location: Burlington County NJ
1,969 posts, read 5,286,236 times
Reputation: 2657
I know. I'm just sad because I don't want to fight with my mother. I hate when she does this.
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Old 01-19-2008, 07:07 AM
 
Location: In a house
21,902 posts, read 20,891,721 times
Reputation: 14812
Sounds to me like you have a very controlling mother! Problem is you are "letting" her control you. Okay, so she doesn't talk to you for awhile, she will eventually. What would you do if this was your child trying to control you and they often do. Give them their way? Your mother is acting like a child so treat her like one. Stand your ground. Your daughter may be upset with this but in the long run she will see you standing firm and that will be better for all of you! Your daughter is playing you against your mother...sounds like a pretty smart girl. She knows how to pull the right strings! Maybe it's time to let her know you aren't going to play those games anymore. Just my personal opinion!
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Old 01-19-2008, 08:02 AM
 
Location: Mass.
345 posts, read 1,425,208 times
Reputation: 129
i think you are doing the right thing, if your daughter learns to control herself, then she will be able to go to your mother's overnight. you rock mom!!
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Old 01-19-2008, 08:29 AM
 
Location: Silver Springs, FL
23,440 posts, read 30,607,252 times
Reputation: 15560
my mom has done this my entire life, and now my daughters, who is 16.
She completely ignores boundries, and when I ask why she feels that she needs to know EVERYTHING that happens in our lives, her reply is "because I care "......
I learned early on to keep her out of the loop on most of what is going on in my life, my daughter has learned the same, although she does not do that with me.
I made a decision when my daughter was born to not be like my mother, it has worked out pretty well so far.......
My mom will never change, and I accept that, I love her, but I just dont need the headaches involved with my moms control issues and nuerosis, those are her problems, not mine.
I feel for you!
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Old 01-19-2008, 10:12 AM
 
Location: Twilight Zone
875 posts, read 758,923 times
Reputation: 69
Quote:
Originally Posted by nic529 View Post
I know. I'm just sad because I don't want to fight with my mother. I hate when she does this.
You don't have to fight with your mother. Just calmly explain your decision and when she presses you, you calmly tell her it's not up for discussion. You don't owe her a bunch of detail, just make it short and to the point.

If she's so childish that she doesn't talk with you for a week or so, so be it. She'll eventually get over that.

Good luck!
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Old 01-19-2008, 10:18 AM
 
Location: Land of 10000 Lakes + some
2,885 posts, read 1,420,882 times
Reputation: 346
I am the "mother." I have learned to stay out of it, but it took a lot of getting used to. But, hey, I figure my daughter has the burdens, I have the pleasures, who am I to judge? I just wish my daughter would explain to me when I am doing something she doesn't like. Instead, she turns to me and says, "STOP!" For instance, my granddaughter is almost three and my daughter did not tell me that she is trying to get my granddaughter to do things for herself. So when I come over and my granddaughter is trying to get her sweater off, I go to help and my daughter says, "STOP". This usually occurs, though, when she is in a frustrated mood because my granddaughter has not been cooperating. She tends to take it out on me. So I just pick up and leave because I can see she is in a sour mood. But I don't hold a grudge or anything, and neither does she. What do you think about this? Because I can honestly tell you I have learned to back off; it wasn't easy but I did it because most important to me of all is having a good relationship with both of them.
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