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You can't change other people or control what they do. One of the hardest life lessons I've ever had to learn. The best thing you can do for the boy is model the behavior you think a parent should display. If Mom isn't getting it done, it's up to you.
You won't ever change her. But if I were you, I would take the opportunity to make a difference in a young person's life. Commit to this young man. Give him a parent.
I agree with this. Getting him away from his games can be hard, but you can do it. I'd make a few hours each week to take him somewhere and have some guy bonding time. Start it out fun, but not high exercise and then work it in. Maybe go to a go-kart place and race each other. Then another day go to a movie. Another day, take him fishing or to a sports game. Do some different things with him. He may not be into everything, but if he admires you and enjoys being with you, he'll be more compliant. Kids like people who listen and pay attention to them.
You need to sit her down and tell her exactly what you have described to us. Maybe approach it from a non threatening stance as though you are worried, which you are....And you want to know what you and she can do together to improve your family life and make sure jr is getting all his needs met.
Perhaps discuss with her that her FB and computer time should wait until after jr and you both have your dinner , some family time, jrs homework is done and his bath is taken.
Perhaps using we instead of you will help keep the natural defenses down and you will be heard.
Over the course of our relationship, I have discovered that she really doesn't have what it takes to be a mom. She can be very selfish in terms of her dedicating time to her child (a 10 year old son). She would rather do things for herself, or by herself. She is very introverted, and her son is one of the most extremely extroverted people I have ever met. Needs CONSTANT attention. Not SUPERVISION, but attention. She seems to not be willing to give it. Not because she does not care, but that she is just "over it". And her contrasting personalities is not helping
She's mid 30's, divorced, had a very short marriage where she had the kid very young (20), did not have much support structure from parents or assistance. Ex-Husband was a deadbeat, now completely out of the picture, in a different state.
When she comes home from work, she will spend an hour on her phone or computer just doing facebook stuff. Meanwhile, the kid is jumping around, trying to get her attention.
Early on, I realized, that she probably is one of those people who just is not cut out for parenting. She has a hard time prioritizing things in her life as it is. Is one of those people who just cannot plan things, cannot stick to a schedule. Is always late, takes for ever to get going.
It bugs me that sometimes I am competing with her cell phone for attention, but I get over that. However, it has clearly had more of an impact on her son, and he tends to take it out on both of us when he does not get the attention he needs. I get along with the kid fine, but I am not his parent, and I think there are certain things she should be doing, not me.
I am with her because we compliment each other so well, she compliments my shortcomings, and I do hers. However, with the kid, that's one area that i cannot compensate for her lack of desire to be a parent. That in my opinion HAS to come from her.
But how do you tell someone this?
We are already old enough that neither one of us have any desire to have more kids, so that's not an issue.
I really don't think it is fair to characterize her as "not cut out for parenting" just because she an introvert. You didn't mention anything abusive or neglectful that she's doing.
I'm a big advocate of having dinner as a family. Do you do that? I think that's a great way for the whole family to get some face time together and talk about their days.
You say you and your GF compliment each other, but there are certain things she should be doing, not you. Why? What things? For all intents and purposes, you are this kid's dad. He lives with you 100% of the time. He's part of the deal. If she is lacking, and it is an area you can pick up the slack, then you should.
What are your evenings and weekends like? Do you throw a football with this kid? Do you all do something as a family on the weekends? Is he in any activities? Does he have friends he can be extroverted with?
I'm an introvert myself, with an extroverted kid, and it is hard, but I'm not a bad parent.
You say you and your GF compliment each other, but there are certain things she should be doing, not you. Why? What things? For all intents and purposes, you are this kid's dad. He lives with you 100% of the time. He's part of the deal. If she is lacking, and it is an area you can pick up the slack, then you should.
I pick up the slack, believe me I do. But between maintaining the house, cooking, and other stuff, my time is limited. I get home first, so I end up making dinner.
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What are your evenings and weekends like? Do you throw a football with this kid? Do you all do something as a family on the weekends?
We do stuff as a family on weekends. Pretty much EVERY weekend we are doing something. He usually complains about it. Would rather be at home playing XBox or watching cartoons.
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Is he in any activities?
No, his choice
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Does he have friends he can be extroverted with?
No, few friends. In fact, since I have known them, he has never had a sleepover, ever. Either at someone else's house or ours (or her apartment before we lived together). No birthday parties with friends, nothing like that. He is a hard kid to get along with.
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I'm an introvert myself, with an extroverted kid, and it is hard, but I'm not a bad parent.
I know it can be done, it just requires effort, planning and sacrifice, which doesnt seem to be happening.
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Do you intend to marry this GF?
I did intend to, and might. But since we have been living together, there have been some things that have come out that are giving me second thoughts. We will see. There are other things being neglected.
Oh and let her be regarding staying up late, how much sleep she gets is her choice, she's an adult. After the kid goes to sleep she should be able to spend her time as she sees fit. Speaking as a hardcore night owl, there's nothing I hate more than being bugged about staying up when I choose to. Luckily my husband is the same way so we don't bug each other.
I need to address this point...
Yes, she's an adult, and can decide how much sleep she needs
BUT...
Getting 4-5 hours of sleep a night, every night:
1. is not healthy
2. causes her to be in a bad mood often
3. causes her to be tired
4. causes her to come home and rather than be a parent, she will take a nap sometimes for 2-3 hours (instead of toy around on her phone)
5. causes less sleep for me if I want to interact in any meaningful sort of way with her
6. affects her sex drive
7. causes her to complain about how tired she is all the time (even though she is getting less sleep by her OWN choice)
She has told me "I don't need 7 hours of sleep"... studies disagree. And when we CAN get more sleep, everyone is healthy
There was one really rough week a couple weeks ago where we went to be about midnight Friday, she woke up at 10:30 (I was up at ~7), I cooked breakfast when she woke up, we all ate. We had plans, but after breakfast and her workout, she took a nap, slept till 3, she then watched TV the rest of the day, never showered.
Sunday was an almost repeat except she took a shower after she woke up
This does not happen often, but it does. And highlights the hypocrisy of the "I don't need sleep" thing
I pick up the slack, believe me I do. But between maintaining the house, cooking, and other stuff, my time is limited. I get home first, so I end up making dinner.
We do stuff as a family on weekends. Pretty much EVERY weekend we are doing something. He usually complains about it. Would rather be at home playing XBox or watching cartoons.
No, his choice
No, few friends. In fact, since I have known them, he has never had a sleepover, ever. Either at someone else's house or ours (or her apartment before we lived together). No birthday parties with friends, nothing like that. He is a hard kid to get along with.
I know it can be done, it just requires effort, planning and sacrifice, which doesnt seem to be happening.
I did intend to, and might. But since we have been living together, there have been some things that have come out that are giving me second thoughts. We will see. There are other things being neglected.
It sounds like division of labor is an issue, not just parenting. Tell her you aren't happy with the way things are and suggest some changes. Ask if she'll cook on weekends, or crock pot something once a week. Suggest limits on video game time. Turn off the TV and talk to each other at dinner. Go to counseling if you need to, or break up with her.
Eta by pick up the slack I meant with parenting. You be the organized one. You be on time. You spend some time with the kid.
Marry her, adopt her son, be a father. You seem to have in sight into what he needs, so give it to him.
Exactly
Even if you are not prepared to marry her (I assume no sex before wedlock), be a positive influence for the kid. Some people are just too into themselves and narcissistic (i.e. Facebook being a priority). You don't need to tell her how to be a mom, just lead by example by being a responsible adult for the kid. She might start to be affected in a positive way as well.
Regardless the kid will benefit.
Good for you to recognize this.
Now what are you prepared to do?
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