Ex Remarries - Now Virtually No Relationship w/Daughter (stepmom, legal, divorced)

[mila123]

I divorced after 25 yrs and my husband remarried a couple years later. We had one daughter together who is now 29. The woman he married has three grown sons.

Have not spoken to my ex since we divorced. My concern is that he used to be very close to our daughter. They would often spend time together, go out for lunch, go camping, take vacations. Then his new wife took over and everything changed. From what my daughter has told me about her, she is very controlling of him. He makes a good living and has a large retirement (that I gave up in order to keep the house). Unfortunately, I did not get good legal advice and did not add anything to our divorce decree regarding our daughter and his money when he passes. I sense this woman and her sons will have a nice pension and our daughter will be left with nothing from her dad.

Anyway, today is Father's Day and yet another year where my daughter would have expected to spend the day with him, but he and his wife are out of town. I don't know, nor do I care, whose idea it is to leave this particular weekend, but it's affecting my daughter. She feels like she doesn't have a dad anymore.

I've noticed depression, eating disorders, over spending, all which started shortly after his remarriage. She's not outspoken, so won't talk to him about anything.

Is there anything I can, or should, do at this point? I've been tempted to call/text him and say what needs to be said, in hopes he'll open his eyes and see how this is negatively impacting our daughter.

What do you all think, and have any of you dealt with this before?

[veuvegirl]

She is 29, if she is concerned about the relationship, she needs to talk to him about it. It's Father's Day, so he should spend it however he wants.

[linda814]

Originally Posted by veuvegirl

She is 29, if she is concerned about the relationship, she needs to talk to him about it. It's Father's Day, so he should spend it however he wants.

Well in some cases it isn't as EASY as talking to him about it...in my case..EVERY Fathers Day after my dad remarried and his wife had him by the nads, would always be spent with her dad...if we didn't like it...too bad..we could never see him alone ...AND attempting to talk to him was impossible..the ONE time I did and told him over the phone, that I would like for my 3 brothers and sisters to just go out to lunch JUST with him...NOT spend the whole day since he had young kids from this marriage he was in..and he screamed at me that I didn't like my stepmoms family and other accusations and put the phone down...my 5 year old stepsister picked up the phone and said hello... and I heard him say to her...HANG UP THE PHONE, MEAGHAN..HANG UP THE PHONE...CLICK... SO HURTFUL...

That was THE last time I ever tried to spend ANY time with him on Father's Day or any holiday..It was damned near impossible with that wife....he didn't make a move without her ok....That was HIS problem...so if I wanted to see him, it was by her rules...At Christmas one year we stopped at his house...open invite to whoever wanted to come over..he sat there with sports on the tv and his nose in a newspaper ignoring everyone... I know he wasn't happy but it was his life....sad really..

[linda814]

Originally Posted by mila123

I divorced after 25 yrs and my husband remarried a couple years later. We had one daughter together who is now 29. The woman he married has three grown sons.

Have not spoken to my ex since we divorced. My concern is that he used to be very close to our daughter. They would often spend time together, go out for lunch, go camping, take vacations. Then his new wife took over and everything changed. From what my daughter has told me about her, she is very controlling of him. He makes a good living and has a large retirement (that I gave up in order to keep the house). Unfortunately, I did not get good legal advice and did not add anything to our divorce decree regarding our daughter and his money when he passes. I sense this woman and her sons will have a nice pension and our daughter will be left with nothing from her dad.

Anyway, today is Father's Day and yet another year where my daughter would have expected to spend the day with him, but he and his wife are out of town. I don't know, nor do I care, whose idea it is to leave this particular weekend, but it's affecting my daughter. She feels like she doesn't have a dad anymore.

I've noticed depression, eating disorders, over spending, all which started shortly after his remarriage. She's not outspoken, so won't talk to him about anything.

Is there anything I can, or should, do at this point? I've been tempted to call/text him and say what needs to be said, in hopes he'll open his eyes and see how this is negatively impacting our daughter.

What do you all think, and have any of you dealt with this before?

Yes dealt with it and it is not easy....the ironic thing was that after my dad got sick..his wife wanted nothing to do with him..left him languishing in a nursing home...he would call me with his dementia wondering where she was..she never visited and it was 5 miles from her house...she was upset that WE were going to see him and she took him out and put him somewhere else and we had no idea where...like a Casey Kasem situation.. a month later he took a turn and she called my sister and told her where he was..he was already in a coma..died the next day..it was awful..

I don't know what it is with these second marriages but it happens a lot...good luck to your daughter...from spending the time they did together you say and then...nothing..you have to wonder why and what is going on....you can't fight some of this...I gave up trying...

[Pennies4Penny]

Reading all these stories makes me so sad . Is it a jealousy thing with the second wife? They must be afraid you are going to take their husband's away, which seems really weird to me .

OP, if you and your ex can be civil with each other, then I think meeting and having a conversation about your daughter might be a good idea. It might not work or change things, but at least you tried. You need to get your daughter some sort of help though. She does not sound like she is handling this very well.

[cruisereg]

Divorce absolutely sucks, especially for the children involved.

This really doesn't belong in parenting, your daughter is 29 years old, this is a relationship issue that the only real thing possible for you to help is to encourage your her to reach out to her father. If I were in your shoes, I would advise her to be open and blunt about her feelings with him.

It's 100% up to him regarding whether or not he maintains a relationship with his daughter. Don't blame his new wife, this is his deal, don't give him an "out" because he married a witch with a b.

Also, inheritance isn't anyone's right. If you get it, great, but I would highly suggest that nobody banks on getting anything at all. Again, don't blame the new wife if he ends up leaving everything to her and her sons, in the end it'll be his decision. If he's weak enough to let anyone come between him and his own flesh and blood, then I can see a darn good reason why you divorced him.

[theoldnorthstate]

OP, I found that the more I stayed out of anything between ex-husband and our children the more reasonable he was with them.

and your daughter is 29.

So let her ride this train if she wants to or build her own life.

[Stagemomma]

I think I would contact him and frame this in a "Ward, I'm worried about the beaver" kind of way. Not: You need to spend time with her because x,y,z. But I'm noticing a, b, and c, and I'm really concerned about her. What do you think?

Don't dare mention the new wife. Don't mention the inheritance. Focus on your daughter and what she might need.

My divorce decree certainly doesn't mention anything about who will inherit what. IMHO people have a right to leave what they want to whoever they want, and to put that in a divorce document would be inappropriate (not to mention morbid)

At one point my ex did mention putting his wife's name on his life insurance policy and I told him HECK NO. He should get an additional policy for her and her kids. He actually agreed readily and that is what he did. His step kids don't have a dad and honestly? If he did not view them as his own after 30 or so years, I would think that was pretty darn tacky. (they are much younger than the OPs kids)

[GiGi603]

She is 29.

He has a new love in his life. Sounds like jealousy to me---which I can understand.
Maybe she can feel happy for him instead of feeling she is being left out.
Any day can be Father's Day. Today just happens to be a Hallmark Holiday.

Maybe she can plan a day with him.

[1908WAGY]

This is hard, but your daughter should be ready to start a family of her own at her age, or living life any way she chooses. This would be a totally different conversation if your daughter were 9, or even 19...it sucks I know, but at least she had him for her formative years.