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Thread summary:

Parenting help: find babysitter, surrogate family, children, daycare, education.

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Old 01-23-2008, 07:06 PM
 
5,244 posts, read 4,208,907 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by I_wonder View Post
Hi,

I wonder did anyone of you went through parenting experience (with spouse or without) alone without any help from families or relatives. Why did it happen to you, and how did you go through that? What would you do differently during that time by what you have known now? Any experience sharing is really appreciated by me.

I feel like need to get some emotional supports from somewhere to prepare myself to go through this.

Me and my husband has no families nor relatives around us, if we have children, all the helps that we have are from either myself or my husband (if he is willing to learn and help, I hope he will).

Please kindly share your experience and any advise. Thanks.
Relatives nearby-
We have never had family around us so we have always counted on eachother. It is difficult but not impossible like the others say. As a matter of fact, some people I know that have relatives around get a lot of interference from them which I would not welcome. Sure the babysitting may be there but then again, it may not be there. We have had to make concessions for not being around family but I think it is a more peaceful life.
Pregnancy-
Oh, also, I have sisters and none of them helped me when I was pregnant with knowing what was going on w/my body. They were not here when our first was born until about a month later to visit, my hubby took 3 weeks off to get us adjusted then it was me on my own. My MIL was here for a week and I felt like I had to take care of her in addition to my newborn, no help.
Are you ready?-
For the first 2 weeks, I guess I had postpartum depression and my hubby jumped right in to take care of the baby, no hesitation. But, he was so ready for kids and did everything, from burping, changing, bathing, whatever. He was what I needed to get me through that time. Your hubby needs to be on-board or you will both be in for a lot of resentment. Also, I think it helped that we had talked about when we would start trying to get pregnant, completed a lot of things that were important to us like traveling, degree, nice job, etc, and we talked about how we felt about discipline (hot topic when you have kids). We also started saving which was a blessing. I had no idea I would want to be home w/the kids, who me, never? Guess what, for the first year it broke my heart every day so because of our savings I was able to quit.
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Old 01-24-2008, 07:50 AM
 
Location: Land of 10000 Lakes + some
2,885 posts, read 1,421,488 times
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Listen to the last two posters. Having children is a life adjustment that many have made and though difficult, like many other challenges that face us, it can be done and offers many rewards. Parenting is worthwhile with or without relatives (for those who want to be parents). Even single mothers cope but a couple alone can do it together.
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Old 01-30-2008, 12:15 PM
 
Location: Lehigh Valley
1,030 posts, read 3,798,041 times
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We have moved around a lot, and have never lived near family. I had 3 kids in 4 1/2 years, and honestly, it's been fine.

My husband is 100% involved with the kids, but he also works a lot. I am home full time and will tell you that if I had to work outside the home, it would be much harder.

We make our friends our family. When family can not come for holidays, we spend holidays with our friends - it's really fine. These people have become a great support to us.

The hardest part for us is not ever getting a break. I am so envious of my friends who have family that take the kids out for a day or even for a sleep over - what I wouldn't give! So, we just have a long list of babysitters.

Honestly, it's not a big deal, because at the end of the day the only two people who are really going to take care of your kids are you and your husband.

Good luck!
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Old 01-30-2008, 12:21 PM
 
Location: Lehigh Valley
1,030 posts, read 3,798,041 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by I_wonder View Post
My big concern is how to prepare myself to be capable enough to be a mother without any help from families (I think being a woman required extra abilities [multi-tasking, independent, self-encouragement and self-motivation, sometimes need to help self to be able to educate the spouse to help/support]. The 9-months pregnancy along is a challenge that I need to go through myself. I am not sure how to self-support through that yet)
Once you see that baby, it'll all just fall into place. Seriously, motherhood is an amazing journey, but one that begins on instinct.

Also, there is no shortage of parenting prep classes/materials out there to help you fell prepared. I found it very helpful to make friends with other new moms - it's great to talk to someone who is going through the same thing at the same time.

I will share this sotry with you... when I was pregnant with my second, I would stay up nights wondering how on earth I was going to get both kids (my son was only 21 months when the new baby came) in the car by myself: who would I put in first, what if Ethan climbed out, what if the cart rolled away? You name it and I obsessed over it. Then, when the day finally came, I didn't even give it a second thought, just piled them in and off we went.
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Old 01-30-2008, 12:26 PM
 
Location: Wake Forest
934 posts, read 932,204 times
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Sure you can do it without help!

You budget, you sacrifice and all is good!
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Old 02-03-2008, 12:22 PM
 
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Thanks for so many replies.

I wonder how's the impact for the children to grow up without any relative around? Are they less sense of family value? Will they lack of certain things (innerly or spiritual or other mentor guidance) through their grow up experience? Will they blame the parents for not providing them relatives when they see their peers have them and includes in their conversations, which reminds them what they don't have? Will they feel less love innerly?

And for the parents, through your experience, was it a necessity to have a support group/some kind of friends network to support (psychologicall) able to go through this journey? did anyone of you go through this without any friends around?
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Old 02-03-2008, 12:26 PM
 
Location: Land of 10000 Lakes + some
2,885 posts, read 1,421,488 times
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I answered this before to some extent but will add: It's all in the parents. I am sure it would be helpful to have loving in-laws around, but it's not necessary for a child's well-being. Blame the parents? I've never, ever heard this once from my kids, and they never thought it. They will find much else to blame you for; this won't be one of them.
I already told of our experience with no relatives at all around. No problems! Oh yes, as someone else said, if you have the wrong kind of relatives, then you could have problems.

Now a single mother needs all the help she can get!
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Old 02-03-2008, 01:34 PM
 
3,107 posts, read 8,030,631 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by I_wonder View Post
Thanks for so many replies.

I wonder how's the impact for the children to grow up without any relative around? Are they less sense of family value? Will they lack of certain things (innerly or spiritual or other mentor guidance) through their grow up experience? Will they blame the parents for not providing them relatives when they see their peers have them and includes in their conversations, which reminds them what they don't have? Will they feel less love innerly?
You know...ultimately, it's the parents - you & your husband - who will be responsible for instilling a sense of family values in your children. It is you that they will look to for spiritual guidance and mentoring and love. My honest opinion is that you really can't base going into parenthood on whether you have the support of your extended family or not. There are many young families out there who have their extended family (in-laws, siblings, etc...) around but would not want them influencing their children.

Quote:
Originally Posted by I_wonder View Post
And for the parents, through your experience, was it a necessity to have a support group/some kind of friends network to support (psychologicall) able to go through this journey? did anyone of you go through this without any friends around?
We are only starting this journey but unless my parents make a move out here, we will not have any family here either. Our support system consists of some very good friends who are also parenting young children.

One of my aunts moved to Canada with her husband in the early 70s. It was very rare for us to see them (the majority of us on the east coast of the US & them on the west coast of Canada). My aunt and her husband made a new family there and I know they are very close to "that family". All wonderful people!

My cousins who grew up away from the rest of the cousins still have a bond with us (lots of letters!). As far as I know, they've never felt deprived nor did they blame their parents for not being closer to family.
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Old 02-03-2008, 01:38 PM
 
Location: Land of 10000 Lakes + some
2,885 posts, read 1,421,488 times
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Happy Twins Sam!
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Old 02-03-2008, 02:04 PM
 
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Thanks, Lillietta!

-Sam
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