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Old 01-24-2008, 04:55 PM
 
16,487 posts, read 20,332,656 times
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Are you this afraid of the child that you need your parents to help you tell her when you are moving? I don't get that. I would say it boils down to one of two things. Either you allow her to live with a friends family until she finishes school or decides to join the family (assuming there would be someone you would approve that would be willing to do this) or she just has to deal with the fact that you are all moving. Moving is part of life. I know it is hard for her and I am unsure if I would make a move like that under the circumstances. If my child was that upset about the move and doing that well in the school she is in now, I think I would possibly stay and tun down the promotion. Anyway, I think you are moving, so she just needs to deal with it. You can sugarcoat it all you want and promise her whatever but the bottom line is you are moving on this date and she is coming.
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Old 01-24-2008, 05:54 PM
 
Location: Grosse Ile Michigan
24,717 posts, read 59,579,994 times
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Just send her on a vacation trip with your parents and move while she is away. Then she cannot refuse to move and cause added stress or problems during the moving process. She can just return to the new house. That way you can avoid telling her at all. In fact, since you replicated everything at the new place, just bring her home from vacation to the new house and see if she notices. Maybe she will not be able to tell the difference.


When we moved, one of our daughters took more than two years to get over it completely. (It has only been two years so far). She was really mad at first, but as she got more and more involved in things at school and in the community, she became less and less angry. She will always be mad at us despite the fact that we believe that it is better for her here. It is mostly better for her siblings, she gave up a lot when we moved, but she recovered. Kids are very resilient. Teenagers have gotten through much more severe issues than moving (loss of one or both parents, death of a friend, rape, etc) and turned out ok.
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Old 01-25-2008, 01:07 AM
 
Location: Seattle, WA
1,368 posts, read 5,878,441 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Coldjensens View Post
Just send her on a vacation trip with your parents and move while she is away. Then she cannot refuse to move and cause added stress or problems during the moving process. She can just return to the new house. That way you can avoid telling her at all. In fact, since you replicated everything at the new place, just bring her home from vacation to the new house and see if she notices. Maybe she will not be able to tell the difference.


When we moved, one of our daughters took more than two years to get over it completely. (It has only been two years so far). She was really mad at first, but as she got more and more involved in things at school and in the community, she became less and less angry. She will always be mad at us despite the fact that we believe that it is better for her here. It is mostly better for her siblings, she gave up a lot when we moved, but she recovered. Kids are very resilient. Teenagers have gotten through much more severe issues than moving (loss of one or both parents, death of a friend, rape, etc) and turned out ok.
C'mon, even cookie cutter houses in the same neighborhood differ enough for anyone with half a brain to notice.


One thing that I find annoying is people comparing other people to even other people. Just because I have managed to deal with my parent's divorce does not discount the amount of issues that this person is having, with dealing with this situation. Each person is an individual. And each person deals with different things differently. Sadly, some people are overwhelmed and take their own life. Some are overwhelmed that they take other people's lives.

Please don't discount the fact that if someone is experiencing trauma, and is resisting something, that they have a good reason for it themselves. Regardless of what other teens and other people have gone through.
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Old 01-25-2008, 09:33 AM
 
Location: St. Louis Metro East
515 posts, read 1,362,521 times
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Thanks again to all who replied!

Radek, thank you for your understanding. As you stated, some people are more fragile than others. Everyone is different.

Coldjensens, your experience with your own children has provided a valuable insight, and this is what I suspect will happen here. I probably could've lived without the sarcasm, but much like you stated, I believe that this is a much better environment for her.

Brokencrayola, I realize that I am the mom. One thing that I have to take into account as her mom is that when I told her initially that we would be moving, she was so devastated that she literally hyperventilated intermittently for several hours, and cried hysterically for days. When I talk about the move, she continues to say things like "I'm not going." These things could be construed as warning signs for upcoming erratic or destructive behavior.

You never know what will set people off.. who'd have thought that getting fired from McDonald's would set that kid in Omaha off on a killing spree at a mall? I've personally been fired from jobs in the past, and it didn't effect ME that way... nor would it effect most people that way. Especially since, as a previous poster mentioned, I'm effectively removing her entire support system, I want to make sure it's done properly. Not that I'm concerned that she will go on a killing spree... that was just an extreme example... but I'd much rather be safe than sorry.

I just want to do the best thing for my daughter, and make sure that it's done right. Why am I catching so much flack for wanting to be a good parent and protect my daughter?

~Danielle
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Old 01-25-2008, 10:52 AM
 
Location: Seattle, WA
1,368 posts, read 5,878,441 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jtjmom View Post
Thanks again to all who replied!

Radek, thank you for your understanding. As you stated, some people are more fragile than others. Everyone is different.


I just want to do the best thing for my daughter, and make sure that it's done right. Why am I catching so much flack for wanting to be a good parent and protect my daughter?

~Danielle
The issue is that removing someone's support structure is a hard thing, and I cannot imagine the emotions that are running through your head in regards to this. Relocating is a tough procedure even when its completely voluntary, for the best and you can still get to and from the old place easily.

As you add distance, the forcefulness of the decision, and someone who isn't old enough to grasp the whole picture... the move becomes harder, and I believe a lot of people here are saying that they just wouldn't consider it. I don't know your circumstance, and with the way you approach this problem, I'm going to hedge my bets that your reasons are valid and good.

So, thats my thought on why you're getting flak. HS is also supposed to be the toughest part of any child's growing up, and thus when one is doing well in school, has a great group of friends, etc, I can see how she'd really not want to move. That being said, I'm sure she can do it again, as long as she tries.
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Old 01-25-2008, 10:24 PM
 
Location: St. Louis Metro East
515 posts, read 1,362,521 times
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Exclamation UPDATE: How things went.

Hello all. Thanks again for all your comments and support!

We sat down with her this evening and got as far as "We have set a date for the move." She completely freaked out and started sobbing and screaming. Again. Fortunately, my parents were there to back me up, and one of her friends was here as well, to help calm her down.

She has left for the evening, but certainly not without my talking to other parents to corroborate her story. I actually don't expect her to come home again until tomorrow evening, after a school dance lets out. I do, however, have faith in the people she is with to be able to calm her down. Oddly enough, they are the very people she'll miss the most, and I'm kind of depending on them to preserve her sanity through this.

This is such a nerve-racking experience... I really think she would have taken it better if I told her she only had a week and a half to live, as opposed to a week and a half before we move. She is the light of my life, and honestly, I'm not dealing well right now. Just trying to look like I am all right, for the sake of the rest of those involved. It's got to get better, right?

~Danielle
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Old 01-25-2008, 10:31 PM
 
Location: Austin TX
1,584 posts, read 4,017,074 times
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You have a life also!!!remember that! I hope it went well!
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Old 01-25-2008, 10:47 PM
 
Location: Seattle, WA
1,368 posts, read 5,878,441 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jtjmom View Post
Hello all. Thanks again for all your comments and support!

We sat down with her this evening and got as far as "We have set a date for the move." She completely freaked out and started sobbing and screaming. Again. Fortunately, my parents were there to back me up, and one of her friends was here as well, to help calm her down.

She has left for the evening, but certainly not without my talking to other parents to corroborate her story. I actually don't expect her to come home again until tomorrow evening, after a school dance lets out. I do, however, have faith in the people she is with to be able to calm her down. Oddly enough, they are the very people she'll miss the most, and I'm kind of depending on them to preserve her sanity through this.

This is such a nerve-racking experience... I really think she would have taken it better if I told her she only had a week and a half to live, as opposed to a week and a half before we move. She is the light of my life, and honestly, I'm not dealing well right now. Just trying to look like I am all right, for the sake of the rest of those involved. It's got to get better, right?

~Danielle
I wish I had more than just kind words to give. Do your best to support her without compromising your values as a mother, and if you'd like, share this is with her, it may help (its a bit different because I'm in college, and have the freedom to head back home when necessary)

I moved 700 miles away from home for school. I did so voluntarily, indeed... but I tend to find it hard to make friends. So, I got homesick. A lot. I considered transferring back to Seattle, etc. All I can say is that my good friends, the ones from highschool, whenever I'm back in town, we hang out and everything is still there. The great friends stay right there with you, and it doesn't matter how far you move, or how long you're gone. One phone call, and the group gets together and hangs out. The idea is that your true friends will always be friends. No matter the distance. It may not help, but it helps me whenever I get homesick.
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Old 01-30-2008, 09:42 AM
 
Location: St. Louis Metro East
515 posts, read 1,362,521 times
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Unhappy Here is what we've come up with.

There did come an 11th hour offer from the one person I'd trust to leave her with to let her stay the remainder of the school year. I went to meet with them Monday evening, and we came to an agreement. I'll be letting her stay with a friend, and coming to see her on a weekly basis with her brothers.

She is still understandably in a funk, as she will be losing all of her precious privacy, her room, all of her alone time, and her 24/7 taxi service (aka mom... lol). I have offered to set up her room for her down there, and told her that she can bring friends with her for the first trip down.

The people she will be staying with run a much tighter ship than I do. Perhaps this will be good for her. I think she's having a "grass is greener" moment, and maybe she'll learn that it's brown over there, too.

In the mean time, should I maybe give the counselor at school a heads up? She is already tired and depressed, and I know her school will be starting to suffer as well. She doesn't really believe in counselors, does anyone have any suggestions? Or should I trust that she will talk to her friends?

Thanks again to all who have weighed in!

~Danielle
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Old 01-30-2008, 10:22 AM
 
Location: Papillion
2,584 posts, read 9,360,319 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jtjmom View Post
There did come an 11th hour offer from the one person I'd trust to leave her with to let her stay the remainder of the school year. I went to meet with them Monday evening, and we came to an agreement. I'll be letting her stay with a friend, and coming to see her on a weekly basis with her brothers.

She is still understandably in a funk, as she will be losing all of her precious privacy, her room, all of her alone time, and her 24/7 taxi service (aka mom... lol). I have offered to set up her room for her down there, and told her that she can bring friends with her for the first trip down.

The people she will be staying with run a much tighter ship than I do. Perhaps this will be good for her. I think she's having a "grass is greener" moment, and maybe she'll learn that it's brown over there, too.

In the mean time, should I maybe give the counselor at school a heads up? She is already tired and depressed, and I know her school will be starting to suffer as well. She doesn't really believe in counselors, does anyone have any suggestions? Or should I trust that she will talk to her friends?

Thanks again to all who have weighed in!

~Danielle

Reasonable option in my mind. I would give the counselor a heads up since you don't know what other issues might arise with this arrangement. The counselor can keep an objective open eye. Keep good communication with both the counselor and the family she will be living with.
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