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Parenting: children, marriage help,

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Old 01-26-2008, 10:30 AM
 
Location: Land of 10000 Lakes + some
2,885 posts, read 1,420,882 times
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I understand, doglover. I think my mother was in the same situation. I was always closer with my father. I think she took some anger out on me, but that is not to say you will. She did love me very much, but some things got in the way I think. If your husband is willing to give up that which we expect women to give up, then all should be OK, i.e. if he takes the kids on the weekends to places, if he plays with them, if he reads to them, if he is willing to do a lot of the work, then it should work out OK.

Parenting requires much self-discipline which means in this case, any resentment from parents because they had children who can be obnoxious cannot show on the part of the parents toward the kids. It takes much patience and thought and counting to ten.
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Old 01-26-2008, 10:35 AM
 
Location: Land of 10000 Lakes + some
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I will add if your husband is willing to do all this, you are one lucky woman. And you may find a love within yourself that you have never before experienced! Good luck!
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Old 01-26-2008, 10:36 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by doglover29 View Post
I just finished reading this interesting book. What it is is a compilation of essays from writers who struggled with the question of whether or not to have kids. The book is divided into three parts: those who decided no, those on the fence, and those who decided to have kids.

The book was very thought-provoking. I read it because I am on the fence myself about having kids. I'm a woman in my early 30's, married for several years, but am truly on the fence about this. The essays really captured a lot of my thoughts on the topic. I will admit I identified most with the "no's" but I also agreed with a lot of what the "yesses" had to say.

I'm trying to do research in order to make an informed decision. I don't have any friends who are pregnant or who have kids, so it makes it harder to learn more about parenthood.

Gosh I can so relate to everything you have just written.
You may have seen my post with the same topic, I just don't know!

I will definitely get that book and probably many other on the subject.
Is your husband also in the not sure stage of his decision?

I have some irrational reasons why I don't think I want them, and I know they are irrational but I still can't help but think the way I do.

Good luck on making your decision it is a hard one for sure.

P.S. I love your screen name, I have one very similar on another forum
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Old 01-26-2008, 03:01 PM
 
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My sister felt she never wanted children from a fairly young age, probably teens. In her early 20's she wanted to have her tubes tied but no doctor would do it between the fact that she had never had children, never been married, and was so young. Finally in her later 20's she found a doctor who did it. Then soon after she met a man that she married. He would have LOVED children and would have also made a wonderful father. He knew though when he met her that she did not want children and had the surgery as well and accepted that. They are now still married, in their 50's and never had children. I (as a mother) felt kind of sad for her husband as he would have loved kids. Not having children was a good choice for her. She has traveled all over the world and done as she wished and never regretted that decision. I think as a society we just assume everyone will and should get married and have children at some point, but that is not the case.
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Old 01-26-2008, 03:17 PM
 
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It's really hard when your spouse wants kids and you don't. We never talked about having kids before marriage, or even for several years after marriage, actually. Having kids just never came up--until I turned 30. Then I started to realize that I just never had the baby urge. My husband, on the other hand, really wants to be a father. He is totally okay with the fact that I don't want to be the primary caregiver. He is open to having a nanny. This makes me feel extra bad that I don't want kids, seeing as he's even willing to work part-time in his own career in order to be a more hands-on dad. I wish I wanted kids, but I just don't. I don't want to deprive him of something he wants so much, but on the other hand, I have no enthusiasm for the idea of being a parent.

I also don't think I have the energy to be a parent. I'm a low energy type of person, and the idea of having a kid would probably ware me out.
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Old 01-26-2008, 04:20 PM
 
Location: Santa Barbara
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[quote=doglov I wish I wanted kids, but I just don't. I don't want to deprive him of something he wants so much, but on the other hand, I have no enthusiasm for the idea of being a parent.

I also don't think I have the energy to be a parent. I'm a low energy type of person, and the idea of having a kid would probably ware me out.[/quote]

Does he worry about depriving you of what YOU want as much as you worry about depriving him? It is all good to SAY he will go part time, get a nanny, etc. Having been married for almost 20 years, I can say that sometimes for good or bad, spouses say they will do something without REALLY thinking about what it entails so be prepared for him to not hold up his end of the bargin. Not saying he won't, but be prepared in case it happens. Kids challenge even very strong marriages sometimes and it sounds to me that there is too much of a tug of war with this decision for both parties to be equally happy.

With all due respect, it would be GREATLY unfair to possible future child to have them just so you don't disappoint or deprive your husband. You have said time and again, you do not want to be a parent. Kids require energy, love, and deserve to be wanted without reservation. It isn't like you are just thinking about moving the baby date up a little further, you are thinking about having a baby for him and not for you. Not very healthy in my opinion and the outcome could ruin your marriage.
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Old 01-26-2008, 06:08 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by doglover29 View Post
It's really hard when your spouse wants kids and you don't. We never talked about having kids before marriage, or even for several years after marriage, actually. Having kids just never came up--until I turned 30. Then I started to realize that I just never had the baby urge. My husband, on the other hand, really wants to be a father. He is totally okay with the fact that I don't want to be the primary caregiver. He is open to having a nanny. This makes me feel extra bad that I don't want kids, seeing as he's even willing to work part-time in his own career in order to be a more hands-on dad. I wish I wanted kids, but I just don't. I don't want to deprive him of something he wants so much, but on the other hand, I have no enthusiasm for the idea of being a parent.

I also don't think I have the energy to be a parent. I'm a low energy type of person, and the idea of having a kid would probably ware me out.
It sounds like you are not on the fence, but have actually have made up your mind. You say, "I wish I wanted kids, but I just don't." I did not have my kids until I was 36 for the reason that at first when we did talk about it on the return flight of our honeymoon after too much to drink, I said I wasn't sure if I want them, BUT I was on the fence and we agreed on waiting at least 5 years to establish a good foundation of our marriage. You make it seem that if you do not have your mind made up at 30, that is it, DO NOT HAVE KIDS, DO NOT PASS GO. You still have time...

I also agree with the other poster that said there are reasons NOT to have kids like to try to save a marriage; that is A LOT of responsibility on a 7 pound little baby that is depending on the stability of BOTH parents.

I'm not sure you know what you are feeling because then you have left the option to adopt, yet you would not want to carry one of your own. It is kind of contradictory that you don't want a child but it's okay to adopt one, hmmm?? To be honest, every day I see in my kids, a little of me and a little of daddy but because it is either one of us in them, we can relate and sometimes it helps us to know how to handle that certain attitude, or personality. To have an adopted child you'd be totally in the dark as to what kind of personalities made up that child. Now, if there was something physically wrong w/you that you can't carry the baby IF YOU REALLY WANT A CHILD, an adopted child would be a blessing.
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Old 01-27-2008, 05:10 AM
 
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I can understand the wanting to adopt, or at least consider adopting more than wanting to have a baby. We're just beginning to think of having children eventually, and all my life (until recently) I really either didn't want to have children or was very indifferent towards it. All that time I thought, if I could just adopt a 4 year old - that would be perfect!! Babies seem to be a lot more work than toddlers, because toddlers can at least communicate with you to some degree and follow short instructions. Babies just lie there. Now that we are beginning to think of having children (yes, we would try to have our own first - if that didn't work we would adopt), it is the infant stage that I look forward to the least. So I don't think its weird at all to be more enthusiastic about adopting than about your own children. Not to mention that pregnancy sounds vaguely awful. (No, I am not one of those women that loves to listen to the other women talk about what's happening with their bodies.. TMI!!!)
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Old 01-27-2008, 10:13 AM
 
Location: Land of 10000 Lakes + some
2,885 posts, read 1,420,882 times
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To adopt in order to avoid the first two years (at most - and shortest time of a person's life) seems a little foolish and - not wanting to sound harsh - selfish. If you want children, you will learn there is nothing that equals the way you (now unknowingly) will feel when you see that child born! And the extreme love unequaled by no other which makes you willing to sacrifice the difficulties of the first two years.

I know several people who adopted 2-4 year olds and occurrences that happened before you adopted them left a strong mark and time and counseling doesn't always erase. Not only that....you think the infant stage is undesirable - wait until they hit the teens!
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Old 01-27-2008, 10:18 AM
 
5,244 posts, read 4,208,403 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lillietta View Post
To adopt in order to avoid the first two years (at most - and shortest time of a person's life) seems a little foolish and - not wanting to sound harsh - selfish. If you want children, you will learn there is nothing that equals the way you (now unknowingly) will feel when you see that child born! And the extreme love unequaled by no other which makes you willing to sacrifice the difficulties of the first two years.

I know several people who adopted 2-4 year olds and occurrences that happened before you adopted them left a strong mark and time and counseling doesn't always erase. Not only that....you think the infant stage is undesirable - wait until they hit the teens!
Very good points about their history, not to mention, like I said you'd have no clue of the personalities that they are made up of. I will not say it is not a lot of work but you know what, the time flies...by the time you know it, they are 5 and entering kindergarten and asking yourself where did the time go?
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